


Can You Hold Me?

by KrisLetang



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Actually Eternity Burn, Cuddling & Snuggling, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feelings Realization, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Past Abuse, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-07-14 04:45:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 143,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16033265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: When Rafael finds himself in an unhealthy relationship, he has to rely on the squad, especially Liv to get through the hardest time in his entire life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been working on this since late July, and I'm super excited to finally post it. I was a little nervous to write something big that was Barson because I'm always scared I might mess it up, but I'm feeling much more confident now. 
> 
> I need to thank my beta for all the help throughout, I couldn't have done this without you ;) 
> 
> The title is from the song "Can You Hold Me?" by NF. The lyrics reminded me of this. 
> 
> As always, I love comments or kudos if you feel so inclined. Hope you guys enjoy, and please check the tags.

Rafael was no stranger to bruises disguised by clothing. In fact, it was the story of his life. Since he was a little kid, he learned how to take a beating and get up afterwards. That’s why he couldn’t figure out how he’d gotten here, on the floor, bloody face shoved into his own carpet, a thick hand wrapped around his neck, pain blossoming everywhere. He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to get up from this. “You little faggot,” was breathed by his ear. “Who do you think you are? Talking to the police. You wanted everything I gave you.” He had snarky remarks that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t. His tongue wasn’t working, feeling thick and the grip around his neck was cutting off his airflow. He gurgled a little bit, unable to speak. His breaths were coming out in wheezes. The hand left his neck for just a second, 

“Marc, please, please stop, I’m sorry,” he said it as fast as he could, praying, grasping onto the hope that it would stop this, but he knew it wouldn’t. It didn’t make a difference. His head felt airy, spaced out as he felt the grip on his hips, those hands tightening, gaining leverage to pick up the pace. He couldn’t think about it though. He just laid there, instead reciting to himself the beginning of his favorite book, his fingers white where they were twisted in the carpet, his body jerking forward with every thrust. How had he gotten here?

………………………

He was drowning in self-pity and he knew it. Sitting in a bar, nursing a glass of scotch. Who could blame him though. He traced his finger around the rim of the smudged cup. Classy.  _ I’ve got to get home to Noah _ . It was the same thing every time. Every single time he worked up the nerve to say something, it was dashed, and he understood, he really did. He understood she had a son, and he understood she had bad luck with men, but after all this time, wasn’t he different? Didn’t she know him well enough to know he’d never leave her. He had never felt this way for anyone in his entire life, but she didn’t want him. She didn’t love him, and he needed to accept it and move on. What did she say this time?  _ I’d love nothing more but…. _ He hated himself for not just understanding. He wanted her so bad, and he thought, like the idiot that he was that maybe, just maybe she wanted him too, but this was the third time in a row she’d rejected him. He’d been so eager to help her, and he still was. She was still his best friend, and he’d be there for her until the end of time. He was still Uncle Rafa, and that had to be enough. He had to make it enough. He barely registered someone taking the seat beside him, the one that wasn’t occupied by his briefcase. He took another sip of his scotch, finishing the glass and trying to decide if he was tired enough to leave, or if he wanted more. “Get this guy your best scotch please.” His head jerked up, looking over at the man beside him. Tall, muscular, dark hair, a slanted jaw. He was very handsome. “You look like you could use it. I’m Marc.” 

“Uh, Rafael,” he replied softly, clearing his throat. He wouldn’t turn down a free drink. The guy scooted a little closer, turning to face Rafael who just wanted to drown in self-pity. 

“So what’s got a gorgeous guy like you, sitting alone in a bar looking so sad?” The guy asked, and Rafael felt his cheeks heat up. “Girlfriend problems?” He almost wanted to say yes, but he knew that trick. The guy was trying to see if he was interested, and Rafael wasn’t sure that he was, but he also wasn’t sure that he wasn’t. They weren’t really girlfriend problems anyways. More like lack of girlfriend problems. 

“More like work problems,” he replied softly, taking a sip of the scotch that was bought for him. 

“You look like a real hotshot, what do you do?” Marc asked softly. 

“I’m a lawyer,” Rafael replied, sparing him the details. 

“Oh wow, I’m restaurant manager,” Marc replied. Rafael wasn’t sure how he felt about this guy, but he felt so lonely. He wanted to forget all about earlier, to forget about Liv, to soothe the rejection. “So uh, do you like books?” Rafael raised his eyebrow, 

“Do I like books?” He asked with a laugh. “Am I that transparent?”

“You look educated. You’re a lawyer, you’ve gotta like reading,” he said with a laugh, “But also, I like books too. Hemingway, Shakespeare.” Rafael brightened, talking with him about books. It was making him smile, making him forget the pain or at least dull it. A few drinks later, Rafael was giggling and feeling ridiculous, but he was so tipsy and he was having a good time. “Do you want to….you want to get out of here. Go back to my place for a nightcap?” Marc asked softly, and Rafael wasn’t sure, but the idea of going home alone to his empty apartment didn’t sound appealing. He nodded, getting up to his feet, swaying around slightly before following Marc out of the bar. 

…………………….

They were barely in the door when Marc started kissing him, and Rafael didn’t fight it. He relished in the soft scrape of Marc’s stubble against his face, feeling skin. It had been too long since he’d done anything like this. His back bumped against the wall, Marc crowding him, and he was so much more aggressive than Rafael was used to. He felt small in comparison. Marc pulled away from his mouth, trailing kisses down Rafael’s neck, working on his shirt buttons. Rafael made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, feeling a bit dizzy from all the alcohol. “You’re so gorgeous,” Marc whispered, making Rafael’s chest swell. He tried to shake off the feeling, of course Marc would say that, but he couldn’t help but want the approval. After feeling so alone, so rejected for so long, now someone wanted him. Marc chuckled softly, his hands going to Rafael’s lower back and then to his ass, cupping, squeezing. Rafael stiffened slightly, “Shh, shh relax. I won’t do anything you don’t like,” Marc murmured, “But I really, really like your ass. You think you’d let me fuck you?” his voice was soft, a whisper that danced across Rafael’s skin. 

“Uh,” Rafael breathed, trying to get ahold of himself and remember how to talk, “I--I don’t bottom.” 

“No way,” Marc whispered, working on Rafael’s neck again with his teeth, “Not with an ass like that. Come on, I’ll go slow if you want, stretch you open nice and good before.” Rafael clung to him, his hands tightening in the man’s jacket, “I’ll take good care of you.” The man was persuasive, but Rafael really didn’t like to bottom with just anyone. It made him feel open, out of control. There was a serious level of trust needed for him to feel comfortable doing it. 

“No….definitely not tonight,” he breathed. Marc nodded against his neck, “I’ll suck you off though.” 

“Sounds like a compromise beautiful,” Marc whispered. When Rafael got on his knees, feeling very drunk and dizzy, he started to question if any of this was a good idea. He didn’t like one night stands, and he hadn’t had one in a long time, but maybe that was his problem. Maybe Liv thought he was too boring. He shook his head, clearing his thoughts, trying to forget about her. Who cared what she thought? He certainly shouldn’t have. He felt wanted, and Marc was good looking, so he let himself go despite his better judgement. His pulled at Marc’s belt, undoing it and popping the button then the zipper. “You’re gorgeous,” Marc said softly, lifting his hips from where he was sitting so Rafael could get his pants down. He was already half hard, and a few firm pumps were enough to get him to full mast and give Rafael some confidence. It had been quite a while since he’d done this, since he’d been with anyone. He took a deep breath, starting at the tip, licking and teasing before actually sucking him in. Marc’s hands tangled in Rafael’s hair, messing up the gel, but that was the furthest thing from his mind. He did feel a little self conscious though, the spit that was dripping from his mouth as he tried to take all of it in. The soft groans of pleasure helped to spur him on, helped to make him feel like he was doing good. He shouldn’t be feeling so nervous, but everything recently had him off kilter, never confident. Not his usual self, and he was done with that. He pushed back any anxiety and went full force, swallowing him down, tongue dragging across the underside of his cock, “Oh--oh God Rafael.” It didn’t take long after that, and Marc was spilling into Rafael’s mouth. He swallowed what he could, spitting the rest into a tissue that was handed to him. “Jesus, that was so hot, get over here. Let me jack you off.” Rafael let Marc manhandle him, get him up and leaning against him, and a hand was down his pants, groping his hard on for just a moment before Marc stripped him of his slacks and boxer briefs. “Wow, someone is a big boy, no wonder you top,” he cooed, and Rafael let out a little gasp when his hand wrapped around him. A pause, hand brought up to his mouth, “Spit.” Rafael obeyed, and then there was slick warmth enveloping him, stroking him, making him buck up and moan. He was drunk and after everything, it didn’t take him long to come, hot and hard all over Marc’s hand. It took him time to get feeling back in his legs, to become stable enough to stand. He felt exhausted and empty. He was gonna go home, alone, again. “You want to stay for a while?” Marc’s voice was soft, and Rafael had to wait a second, replay the words in his mind before he realized he needed to answer, 

“Oh sure, thanks,” he said softly, only bothering to pull his underwear back on. He stripped down to just his undershirt, leaving his folded items of clothing on the couch. 

“You know, I’d like to see you again,” Marc said softly, and Rafael wondered if he was always this high functioning when he was drunk. Come to think of it, Rafael wasn’t sure how drunk Marc really was. “Can I get your phone number?” Marc asked, and Rafael just nodded, clumsily reaching for his briefcase before realizing his phone was actually in his pants. He pulled out the phone with fumbling fingers, handing it to Marc who punched his number into it, and getting Rafael’s for his own. He felt so dizzy, wanting to lay down. “Here, come on to my bed,” It was like Marc was reading his mind. Rafael wondered if he was speaking his thoughts aloud. It didn’t matter though when he laid down on the bed, setting an alarm on his phone and curling up on his side. He didn’t even argue when a strong arm was draped over his waist. 

………………………….

Rafael woke up, the room dark, an arm thrown over his waist, his head pounding. He felt his face flush red as he thought about the night before. What had he done? Just because he was bitter that Liv didn’t want him? He was such a fool. He grabbed for his phone, wiping a tired hand over his face. It was five am. He still had time to get home, change, take a shower and make it to work on time. He carefully got himself up, trying not to wake the man beside him, but as he was pulling on his clothes, a soft voice rang out, “You have to leave so soon?” he asked. Rafael gulped. 

“I uh, I have work,” he said softly, his voice hoarse, “I shouldn’t have….I shouldn’t have really stayed anyways.” 

“Nonsense. Call off, stay,” the man said, and Rafael shook his head, 

“I really can’t,” he replied. 

“Well at least promise me you’ll let me take you out to dinner,” he called, and Rafael sighed, trying to decide if it was worth it or not. If it was worth the vulnerability and exposure. The moment he agreed to it was the moment he opened himself up to possible pain. He was already in pain though, pain over Liv, and maybe this would help him get over it. Maybe he could get back on his feet. 

“One dinner,” Rafael said softly, buttoning his shirt up. 

“You’re so much more fun when you’re drunk,” Marc teased, and Rafael blushed, “Don’t worry. I’m joking. I’ll call you.” 

“Okay,” he replied. He finally managed to get all his things together and duck out of there. Grabbing his briefcase on the way out the door. He rushed down to the street, catching a cab to his apartment. The shower water felt warm, and helped to relax him. He felt so dirty and his head was positively aching. A nice piping hot cup of coffee sounded heavenly. Once he was done in the shower, he started the coffee, leaning against his kitchen counter in just a towel. He felt pathetic, exhausted from the last month of his life. Work was making him feel like shit, more and more complicated cases piling on, making him feel guilty. They haunted him. The only thing that made him feel safe anymore was her. She was so strong, so determined and Noah, who called him Uncle Rafa and cried when he left to go home. She didn’t want him though, and that hurt like he had been stabbed in the chest, but last night, he’d forgotten it for at least a few hours. He did feel less tense. The beeping of the coffee pot startled him, and he poured himself a huge mug, pouring some creamer and way too much sugar in before gulping it down. It was a little chilly, so he padded back to his bedroom, starting to get himself dressed. He picked out a light grey suit, pairing it with blue, and then he did his hair, finishing a second cup of coffee before he was ready to leave. The ride to work was too short, and then he was in his office, alone, and dreading opening the files. He was only alone for five minutes though, a knock on his door interrupting him, and then she was right there, smiling at him like things were the same as always. Like she hadn’t just stomped on his heart the day before, but he couldn’t bear to be angry with her, or to make her sad, so he smiled too. “Liv,” he whispered, “What do you need?” his voice was soft, a tone he only used with her anymore. She was the only one who could make him smile like this. 

“I wanted to know if you took a look at the Francis case?” He felt disappointment seep through him. It was business. Just for a second, he had hoped that maybe, just maybe she was coming to say she changed her mind, to ask if he was free for dinner or a drink or anything. She probably didn’t even know how much she hurt him. She probably hadn’t ever even thought about him like that. He couldn’t hate her though, no matter how much he wanted to. He wanted to be angry, to feel bitter, but he just felt worthless instead. He couldn’t ever be mad at her. Not for long anyways. He knew he’d do anything for her, and that terrified him. He’d walk her down the aisle into another man’s arms if she asked him to, so talking to her about work was just a minor disappointment. At least he was talking to her. 

…………………………

Rafael was looking through the glass at a perp when his phone started to ring in his pocket. He pulled it out, thinking it might be Carmen when he realized it was his personal phone. He hit the accept button, bringing it up to his ear, “Hello?” he asked softly. 

“Hey gorgeous.” Marc’s voice was soft, and Rafael shut his eyes. He let out a sigh, “Aw don’t sound so excited.” 

“Look, I’m at work Marc,” he said softly, “Now really isn’t the best time.” He could see Sonny looking at him, Liv beside him. Sonny looked infinitely amused. He glared. 

“I won’t take up too much of your time,” the man said, and Rafael nodded. 

“Personal call Counselor,” Sonny teased, “Barba must’ve had a hot date last night.” 

“Shut up Carisi,” he hissed, slipping out of the room. 

“How about tonight. You, me, Per Se,” Marc said, “I’ll pick you up at 7.” Rafael blinked, 

“Per Se? I thought you were a Restaurant Manager,” he whispered. 

“I may have left some things out. I’ll tell you all about it tonight. My treat,” Marc said teasingly, and Rafael gulped, but it sounded nice to go out to a fancy restaurant, to be treated like he mattered, 

“Okay, okay fine. I’ll text you my address. We can go out,” he said softly, “What are you gonna wear?” 

“Send me pictures of your outfit later. I’ll make sure we look good,” he replied, so Rafael sighed, relaxing himself. 

“Okay. I’ll see you at 7 then,” he replied. He hung up, going back into Liv’s office, “Sorry about that guys.” 

“No problem Barba, we can wait while you talk to your booty call,” Sonny said with a laugh, and Rafael glared. 

“Carisi,” Liv sighed. Rafael crossed his arms defensively. He felt his face heating up, and he wished that Marc hadn’t called him while he was there. 

……………………..

Rafael felt stupid and self conscious as he stood in front of his mirror. It had been forever since he’d been on a date. He turned sideways, feeling overweight as he saw the way his stomach filled out the vest. He hadn’t been able to exercise much recently, being overrun by cases and work. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, changing into a different shirt. He went with a white button down, no tie, a grey jacket and slacks. He left the suspenders on. He took a picture, swallowing his pride and sending it to Marc who just sent back an emoji with heart eyes. That made him smile a bit. He dabbed some cologne on his neck, brushing his teeth and waiting for Marc to pick him up. When the buzzer sounded, he almost jumped, but he answered, letting the man up. He felt like a girl when a bouquet of roses was handed to him. “Um, thank you,” he whispered, taking them and putting them on the counter. “Flowers and dinner after you’ve already gotten me in bed. Classy,” he teased, and Marc laughed. He followed Marc out of the apartment after grabbing his wallet and phone. 

“I couldn’t wait to see you again,” he said softly, and Rafael blushed. He was starting to like Marc more and more. He had a nice car, a sleek Mercedes-Benz, and Rafael climbed into the passenger seat fastening the belt and trying to relax. When Marc got in, he put a hand on Rafael’s leg, squeezing softly, and the lawyer practically jumped. He settled down then, clearing his throat. “I hope you’re hungry,” Marc said softly. Rafael smiled at him, unsure what to say otherwise. “Don’t get all shy with me now Rafael. What’s the last book you read?” Rafael took a breath, relaxing and starting to tell Marc about the last time he’d been able to set aside some time to read for fun. The car ride went quickly, and soon they were walking into one of Manhattan’s most prestigious restaurants. Marc reached for his hand, but Rafael pulled away a bit. They weren’t quite there yet. The other man didn’t even seem phased though. He opened the door for Rafael, and he pulled a chair out for him, taking a seat on the other side, “Anything you want.” 

“Tell me again how you can afford this,” Rafael said softly, and Marc laughed. 

“Let’s just say I have a lot of family money. This is not an issue. Whatever you’d like,” he said simply. The answer appeased Rafael’s curiosity. The waiter poured them some wine, presumably something Marc had picked out beforehand. Rafael wasn’t huge on wine. He could drink it now and then, but whatever this was, it tasted delicious, the subtle hints of fruitiness, not too bitter, not too sweet. Rafael drank it a little too fast, trying to quell some of his first date nerves. “So, I know you like books, what else do you do?” 

“Sometimes I go yachting,” he said softly, “With College friends.” 

“Oh, where’d you go to college?” Marc asked. 

“Harvard,” Rafael replied, “On Scholarship, so I’m definitely not from family money.” 

“You grow up around here?” Marc asked, and Rafael nodded, taking another sip of his wine, 

“The South Bronx,” he said, and Marc made a bit of a face. Somehow it made Rafael feel embarrassed or inferior, and he shook it off, feeling stupid, “I’m just glad to be here now though,” he said, and Marc nodded. Rafael started eating when they brought out the first course, enjoying the well-made food, and he and Marc enjoyed their evening at the restaurant. As he ate, Marc kept having the waiter fill his wine glass. Rafael wasn’t about to waste it. It looked expensive, so he drank. The buzz felt nice, helped him to not think about Liv and his awful day. It kept him in the moment, and then Marc was leading him out to the car, and Rafael felt hazy and confused. A hand brushed through his hair, easing him into the passenger seat. 

“Raf, you feeling okay?” Marc asked softly, and Rafael hummed, “You want to go back to your place?” 

“Sure,” Rafael whispered. Then the car was moving, and his head was still spinning. Marc walked him to his door.

“Can I come in?” he breathed, stepping into Rafael’s personal space, and he was suddenly on the precipice of hooking up with Marc for the second night in a row. 

“You think I’m that easy?” Rafael teased, and Marc laughed, but he wasn’t messing around, pushing Rafael up against the door and kissing him. “Jesus, okay,” he mumbled, hand shaking as he clumsily tried to unlock it. Then they were pulling at clothing, heading back to Rafael’s bedroom, and Marc was biting his neck, “No, I--I have court,” Rafael said, pulling at Marc’s hair. 

“No one will notice one little hickey. Relax,” he whispered, and Rafael was too dizzy to argue. He felt his back hit the bed, Marc’s weight perched over top of him, and Rafael swallowed. Hard. He wasn’t usually in this position, but Marc seemed to like taking the initiative. He made a face when Marc started on his neck again, but he was soon distracted by a hand rubbing over his crotch. His hips jerked forward, but then Marc grabbed them, starting to roll his hips against Rafael’s, drawing breathy moans out of the smaller man, “You like that?” he whispered before he began unbuttoning Rafael’s shirt, baring skin. He worked Rafael up into a frenzy before starting to pull at his pants too. He was only in his boxer briefs then, and Marc pulled back, biting his lip, “Mmm, I could just eat you up. Turn over baby.” 

“I’m still not bottoming,” Rafael said softly, but Marc just smiled, stroking his face, 

“Calm down. I won’t. Just turn over for me,” he said gently. Rafael swallowed, but he rolled onto his stomach, pushing himself up to all fours. Marc groped at his ass, squeezing, touching, and then there was a soft clicking sound. “You look so pretty like this,” Marc whispered, and then there was a hand on his lower back, pushing him onto his stomach, and he was effectively pinned. He started to squirm, but Marc soothed him with gentle kisses on his back, “I promise I won’t.” There was some shifting, and Rafael saw Marc’s boxer briefs fall to the floor. Strong hands cupped his hips, and then Marc was grinding against his ass, groaning into Rafael’s ear, their skin only separated by the thin material of Rafael’s boxer briefs. Each press of his hips forward had his cock dragging along the material, along the swell of Rafael’s ass, and in turn the lawyer’s hips were being ground into the bed, providing him with some friction as well. “I’m gonna take the briefs off,” Marc said softly, and Rafael didn’t move to fight him or help. He let Marc strip the material from his hips, now grinding against warm skin. “Damn, you feel good. I wanna fuck you so bad,” he mumbled against Rafael’s skin, pressing harder and faster. Rafael felt small and trapped, and he really didn’t like it that much, but he didn’t want to be difficult. Marc was respecting the ground rules he’d set. Rafael didn’t want to scare off the only person who seemed to find him attractive, so he laid there and he let it happen, pressing his face into the pillow when the cum hit his back. It felt a little humiliating, but he swallowed his pride and allowed himself to be turned back over onto his back. Then Marc’s mouth was around him, and he was moaning, and this he could do. It didn’t take him long to finish. He just collapsed down, feeling exhausted like he could barely move. Marc gently held him close, running his fingers down Rafael’s side, “You were so good for me,” he whispered. Rafael felt like some sort of dog. “I would make you feel so good,” Rafael just rolled on his side and shut his eyes. 

………………………….

Rafael was staring at his desk. The wood was suddenly very interesting, all curving lines and stained wood.  _ ‘I would make you feel so good.” _ Rafael shivered a little bit. He wasn’t sure what was bothering him so much about it, but he couldn’t get the night before out of his mind. The feeling of being trapped, pinned, Marc rutting against him. It just gave him an uneasy feeling. A knock on the door startled him, his knee slamming into his desk. “Hey Rafa,” Liv said softly, coming in the room. Rafael blushed slightly, sure she must know exactly what he’d been up to the night before. “Are you okay? You don’t look so well.” Her worry almost made him feel okay about himself. 

“I’m alright,” he whispered, but he felt anything but. He tried to ignore the queasiness and the anxiety. 

“Do you want to get some coffee or something?” she asked. He sighed, finally looking up at her, 

“Yeah, sure,” he said softly, grabbing a jacket and following her out to a coffee stand. They walked down the street, enjoying the crisp air, and it was almost like he could pretend they were on a date, walking down the street, enjoying each other's company and not just the weather, but her next comment shattered that for him. 

“So what do you think about those warrants I needed?” she asked. He knew she just was with him to try and get what she needed. She didn’t love him. She probably thought he was pathetic or pitied him. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” he whispered, wanting simply to disappear. 

………………………..

_ Did I upset you?  _ Rafael was staring at the text, feeling guilty. Marc had taken him out to such a nice dinner, and he’d been avoiding him ever since. It had been four days.  _ I want to see you again if you’ll let me _ . Rafael hadn’t told him he wasn’t feeling what happened in the bedroom, and then he’d acted like a little child and sulked about. He needed to get over himself. 

_ No, you haven’t upset me. _ He typed back,  _ I’m free later tonight _ . 

_ Come over? _ He took a deep breath, agreeing to go to Marc’s at seven. He wasn’t sure how he felt about anything anymore. Marc made him feel wanted, made him feel like he was a person, but did he really like him? He was stuck on Olivia, never getting her out of his head. She consumed his thoughts, and it was like torture because he knew he couldn’t have her. He needed to stop this. It was unprofessional and unfair to her. Work felt like it took forever to finish, especially when he had to go down to the precinct to talk with Liv about a suspect. He felt his stomach doing flips as he prepared to see Marc, and Liv noticed. “You alright?” She asked softly. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he whispered. 

“You want to get drinks Friday?” Her voice startled him, his heart practically leaping into his throat, “I thought it might be fun to have a squad night at Forlini’s.” And everything was dashed within moments. He felt upset all over again, but he couldn’t tell her no. 

“Yeah, sure. Sounds fun,” he mumbled. 

When he got home, he wanted to collapse into bed, but instead, he changed into a tighter pair of jeans and a v neck before heading over to Marc’s. When he knocked on the door, the taller man answered almost immediately, a huge smile breaking out across his face. He pulled Rafael in for a hug, and he felt tiny in the other man’s arms. “Come on in, I have whiskey, and I made some creamy mozzarella pasta. I thought maybe we could watch a movie.” Rafael nodded, letting himself be led to the couch. When Marc settled down beside him, he put an arm over the back of the couch, smiling at Rafael. “So, how was your day?” 

“Exhausting,” Rafael admitted, “I just had a lot going on. New case.” 

“Well relax, put your feet up. I don’t mind if you fall asleep,” he said softly. 

“Well let me help you with dinner first,” Rafael replied. When he stood up Marc whistled, and he could feel the heavy gaze on his ass. 

“Damn, I’m gonna get you to say yes one of these days. What do I have to do? You name it,” Marc said softly, ogling him. He came closer starting to grope him through his jeans. Rafael just gulped, but Marc started nuzzling at his neck some more. “I won’t hurt you sweetheart. We can take it nice and slow.” 

“I—I don’t know,” Rafael whispered. 

“Let’s eat before I get too carried away with you,” Marc whispered, pulling him into the kitchen. He got them both big plates of pasta and poured Rafael a generous glass of whiskey. He took a few sips of it, the burn of the alcohol easing his nerves. The pasta tasted delicious, but Rafael almost choked on a bite of it when Marc cuddled up close to him, wrapping a big arm around his shoulders, and pulling him close. Rafael almost never felt small, even when he was the shortest person in the room, but Marc made him feel tiny. He wasn’t sure if it was his actions or just the size difference, but he felt very small tucked up against the other man. The movie was good, and Rafael’s attention was there until Marc started feeling him up again, shoving the empty plates to the side and groping at Rafael’s crotch. “Can I suck you off again?” He asked softly, and Rafael nodded, relaxing at the thought of getting his dick sucked. That was something he liked, something that didn’t make his stomach twist up with anxiety. Marc slipped to the floor, working the zipper of the lawyer’s pants open, popping the fly and dragging his pants and boxer briefs down to his knees. “Take that shirt off.” Rafael complied, slipping out of the tee, and sitting back so Marc could work. The warm slick feeling enveloping him made him groan; plush lips teasing him, working up and down the sensitive skin. “You’re so big and pretty,” Marc whispered, kissing the head, hand on Rafael’s thigh to steady him as he shuddered. When he swallowed Rafael down to the root, he couldn’t help but moan loudly, his face flushed, hand going to Marc’s hair as he bobbed. Rafael didn’t last much longer after that. “Good boy,” Marc whispered, stroking his thigh.“You think you could blow me?” 

“Sure,” Rafael whispered, still feeling winded, “Just uh, just give me a second to catch my breath.” He panted for a few more moments, slipping done to the floor on his knees. He took Marc out of his pants, giving him a few strokes with his hand before starting to swallow him down. Marc put a heavy hand on the back of his head, directing his movements which was fine until he started to thrust into Rafael’s mouth, holding his head steady. Rafael gagged at the sudden intrusion, but Marc kept going. He was able to breathe through his nose after a second, relaxing his throat and taking it. It wasn’t a problem until he started deeper, longer thrusts, holding still until Rafael gagged again, and he tried to yank back, but he was stuck. He tapped Marc’s thigh, and the man finally let him go. He coughed and sputtered for a few moments. 

“You okay?” His voice was gentle, a soft hand on Rafael’s back, “I’m sorry.” 

“I’m—I’m good,” he whispered, panting. 

“Here, how about you just strip outta that for me, get on your hands and knees, and I’ll take care of this myself,” Marc murmured. Rafael took a second to get ahold of himself before he kicked off his pants and underwear, settling on his hands and knees, ass facing Marc. He could hear the other man’s soft breathing pick up, a hand squeezed one of his ass cheeks, and then it was mostly some wet sounds until a loud grunt and cum was all over him, his ass, his back, the back of his thighs. He was pretty sure some got into his hair. Marc patted his ass before he felt a towel running over his skin. Rafael felt really sleepy suddenly, his head foggy, and he let Marc guide him back to the couch and pull him close. “You were so good,” he whispered, running his fingers through Rafael’s hair. The lawyer felt too wiped out to struggle. “You can sleep if you’re tired, it’s alright,” a blanket was pulled over him, and Rafael couldn’t help but pass out. 

When he woke up, there were soft fingers carding through his hair, soft nails scraping over his scalp and down the back of his neck. “Mmm,” he mumbled. 

“Have a good nap?” He whispered, and Rafael hummed again. “You’re so gorgeous.” 

“Thank you,” He whispered, snuggling against Marc’s thigh some more. 

……………………

“C’mon Raf, I swear to God, it’s my birthday. Please,” Marc whined, following after him. They were hanging out in Marc’s apartment. They had been spending more and more time together outside of work, and he was relentless in trying to get Rafael to let Marc fuck him. It had been especially grating the last few days while he was really busy with an important case, and he was at his wits end. He couldn’t deal with the whining anymore. 

“Fine,” he grumbled, and Marc grinned. 

“Really?” He asked softly, and Rafael nodded. 

“You have to take your time and use lube and a condom,” he said softly, setting his phone down. 

“Done,” Marc said softly, patting his ass. “Ugh I love you, go wait for me in the bedroom. I’m gonna get us both a drink.” Rafael slowly went toward the bedroom, feeling his stomach twist up in knots. He made himself breathe. It would be fine. He took a seat on the bed, and Marc returned shortly with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. Rafael gratefully took one, gulping it down. “Alright sweetheart,” Marc said softly, pulling him in for a kiss, “You get yourself out of those pants,” Rafael slipped out of his jeans, having to stop for another drink. He got out of his underwear then too and the shirt over his head. Marc pinned him down to the bed after that, kissing him furiously, hand groping him, tugging him to hardness.“Turn over for me,” Marc said softly, and Rafael did as he was told, his muscles tensing as he held himself up. Big hands grabbed at his ass, “Oh Raf, this is gonna be so good.” He felt himself being spread open before a warm tongue was licking at his entrance, and Rafael moaned, unable to help himself. “I promise I’ll make this good for you baby.” Marc’s words were whispered against him. 

“Jesus Christ Marc,” Rafael whispered. A heavy hand gripped his hip, keeping him in place, and the tongue returned, first just licking and sucking wetly as Rafael panted, hips canting back uselessly. 

“Look at you,” he chuckled softly, “Such a slut for it.” Then he gave in, dipping past the tight muscle and working Rafael open. The lawyer pressed his face against the bedsheets, unable to hold in his noises. “You gonna take my big cock? I know you can do it even with that tight ass of yours. You ever let anyone fuck it before?” Rafael groaned, but suddenly fingers yanked his head back, and he felt like he had whiplash, 

“Marc-” he said, planning on asking him to stop being so rough, but he was interrupted, 

“I asked you a question,” he said, and Rafael felt his cheeks heat up.

“Yes,” he whispered, “A few times.” 

“Good boy.” Then slick fingers were pushing at his hole, two at once, rubbing before pushing in. They scissored and he hissed at the burn as Marc stretched him. It faded though, and soon, he was pushing back against the fingers. Marc chuckled softly before pressing in a third. Rafael had to get used to the stretch again, but as soon as Marc curled his fingers to brush his prostate, he moaned, white flashing in front of his eyes. “That’s it, good,” Marc whispered, soothingly rubbing his back as he pressed a few more times, making Rafael buck and squirm. Then a hand was pressing at his hips, pushing him down onto a pillow that Marc must’ve put there to prop him up. “Shh,” he mumbled when Rafael tensed up slightly. “We’ll start slow, it’s alright baby,” he murmured. He felt himself being spread again, and he fidgeted uncomfortably when nothing happened for a few moments. “You’re so pretty like this.” His stomach was twisting up in knots, hands gripping the sheets, and then there was blunt pressure, forcing him open, and he was panting roughly with each inch that pushed inside. “You’re doing so good, so good Raf,” Marc mumbled, kissing his back as he continued to work himself in. He pressed forward until he was finally all the way in, and he paused, letting Rafael catch his breath. “You feel so good baby, so tight.” He waited just a couple seconds before he gripped Rafael’s hips and started moving, and the lawyer groaned, the delicious drag of latex on skin grappling with the burn he still felt. His mouth fell open as Marc nailed him into the mattress, his weight draped over Rafael’s back, pinning him down. The bed was shaking, headboard thumping into the wall, and Rafael couldn’t stop the noises escaping him as each thrust forced his cock to drag over the pillow. “Shit Raf, good boy, good. You’re taking it so well.” Rafael didn’t even feel like he could talk. He was just stuck, and it felt good, but he still hated the feeling of being trapped like that. He wanted Marc to ease up, to stop using his weight to keep him pinned down, but he couldn’t get himself to speak. Tight hands on his hips, shoving into him, and he was whimpering. Hands on his ass again, parting, Marc watching as he drove into him. It felt like it went on forever, Rafael’s cheek resting on the bed sheet, unable to do anything but take it. At some point, he felt himself coming all over his stomach and the bedsheets, and then he just laid there limply. Marc didn’t take too much longer, biting into Rafael’s shoulder as he finished. The lawyer hissed when he pulled out, still feeling frozen. Marc rubbed his back, “You okay?” he asked softly. Rafael fought with the tears that were pricking his eyes. He hated feeling so taken apart and helpless. He swallowed them down, letting Marc ease him onto his back. “Hey, just take a few deep breaths. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I’m gonna get a washcloth and some water.”  Marc mopped the cum off his front, gently and he eased him up to sit. “Sip this slowly,” he said. Rafael did as he said, feeling some of the panic receding. “You did so well,” Marc said softly, kissing his temple. Rafael was leaning back on some pillows, sipping at the water Marc brought him. After a little bit, he started to feel really tired, his limbs heavy, eyes drooping. He let himself close his eyes, but then he felt someone shifting him around. He let himself zone out, trying to pretend it wasn’t happening.

………………………

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, covering his eyes as the sun streamed in the window. His head hurt like never before. Worse than any hangover he’d ever had, worse than any migraine. He rolled over into something solid. Actually someone. 

“Good morning gorgeous,” Marc said softly. Rafael whimpered slightly, “You drank a lot last night sweetheart. You must have a killer hangover.” He shut his eyes again, trying to take note of every way his body ached. His head hurt the worst, but also had a nasty ache in his jaw and his ass. 

“Did we….” he trailed off. 

“We hooked up last night,” Marc said gently, “Don’t you remember?” He thought hard about it, and he vaguely remembered saying yes. 

“Sort of,” he whispered, “I must have really over done it. I don’t remember….I don’t remember drinking that much.” 

“You drank like half my bottle of whiskey,” Marc said with a laugh smoothing his hand over Rafael’s hair. Rafael found that odd. He wasn’t one to drink so heavily in the middle of the week with an important case going on. Speaking of which, he shot up, looking at the clock. He was late. So late. He scrambled out of bed, groaning softly as his muscles protested the movement. 

“Why did you let me sleep so late?” he asked, hopping into his pants. 

“I didn’t realize you had somewhere to be this morning. Let me pick you up tonight. I want to hang out later,” Marc said, handing Rafael his shirt. He buttoned it up, 

“I don’t know that I can Marc. I have court, and I am so late,” he said softly, groping around for his things. He accidentally knocked his wallet off the nightstand into the trash can, and when he pulled it out, he saw three used condoms in there. He didn’t have time to worry about what he’d agreed to the night before, so he quickly collected his things, heading out the door. He ran a hand through his hair in the cab, grabbing his phone that had half a dozen messages waiting for him. Four from Carmen, two from Liv who had also texted him three times to see if he was okay. He had missed a meeting at SVU. He checked the clock...well maybe he could make it for the very end. He stopped at his office, ripping the plastic open on the package that held his extra dress shirt. He was ashamed that he had to open it. He had  a suit jacket and trousers that Carmen had so kindly picked up from the dry cleaners when he was so bogged down he could barely eat. He dug around, and found a tie that looked presentable. He hurried back down to a cab, going to the precinct and then he was rushing in the room, everyone staring at him. Liv jerked her head towards her office, and he followed her there. 

“What happened to you?” She asked, and he sighed. 

“How bad is it?” He asked, and she made a face that had him worried. 

“It’s bad Rafael,” she said softly, and he groaned, “What….are these hickies?” His stomach flipped.

“I asked him not to do that,” he whispered, 

“And you have bruises on your face Rafa,” she murmured. 

“Jesus Christ,” he whispered, “I have court. This….this is a nightmare. I don’t remember last night.” 

“Do you think you were assaulted?” She asked, and he shook his head. 

“Can you just help me with this?” He asked, and she nodded, digging through her bag. She got some make-up out. 

“These don’t seem too dark,” she said, “I think I can cover them.” She gently applied some foundation, brushing it over his neck. Her fingers went to the buttons of his shirt, undoing them and his tie which made his stomach flutter. He could just smell her perfume and it was making him feel dizzy. He shook himself out of it. It was inappropriate and unprofessional, and she was just being a good friend to him. Her soft fingers held his head still as she worked on covering up the bruises Marc had sucked into his skin. A gentle thumb brushed over the small, round bruising on his face. “Rafael, are you sure nothing bad happened to you last night? You said you don’t remember.” 

“It’s fine Liv,” he said softly. He wasn’t about to tell her that he remembered telling Marc he could fuck him. 

“Alright, you missed our meeting. I can get you all the papers,” Liv said gently. She was eyeing him up warily, but he didn’t want her pity. 

“Thanks,” he whispered, his voice cracking slightly. She did his buttons up again, gently tying his tie, and he felt tears threatening to spill. He held them back, taking the papers from her and getting out of there as fast as he could. When he got back to his office, he apologized to Carmen profusely before asking her to give him fifteen minutes to get himself together. He sat down on his couch, covering his face and trying not to cry. He couldn’t hold back though. Just feeling like he didn’t know what happened, like anything could have happened had him upset. He felt vulnerable and terrified. Had he really agreed to have sex with Marc? He remembered it vaguely, but three times? How had he let himself have so much to drink? He didn’t have time to worry about it though as there was a knock on his door. He sniffled a moment before letting them know they could come in. It was Liv. Of course. 

“Hey,” she said softly, taking a seat beside him, “Are you alright?” 

“No,” he mumbled, trying not to cry anymore. She put a hand on his shoulder, 

“Talk to me Rafa, let me help,” she said softly. He couldn’t stop the break in his voice or the tears that began to leak down his cheeks, 

“Even if something did happen, I don’t think it could be prosecuted,” he whispered. 

“Don’t even worry about that right now. Just talk to me,” Liv murmured. 

“Um….” he hung his head, sucking in a deep breath. He hated the tremor in his voice, “I—I met this guy at a bar like a month ago, maybe two. We hooked up a couple times but nothing serious. He took me to dinner once, and I went to his place yesterday. He wanted me to bottom, but I told him—I don’t like it. I don’t bottom unless I really trust the other person, but he kept pressuring me, and last night I couldn’t take it anymore, so I said yes.” Liv gently squeezed his hand. “I remember saying yes, and I remember having a few drinks, but then it’s all gone.” He felt like sobbing. “And this morning when I left, my wallet fell in the trash can and there were three used condoms. I don’t think I would ever agree to three times in one night.” 

“Okay Rafa, breathe, we’ll figure this out together,” she said softly. He started counting his breaths, letting her guide him. Liv’s soft hand that was gripping his kept him grounded. “Did you ask him about the condoms?” she asked, and Rafael shook his head.

“I asked him what happened last night, and he just said I--He said I drank a lot and we hooked up,” Rafael whispered, feeling ashamed of himself. “I don’t know what happened,” he sobbed, “And—I feel terrified and anxious.” 

“Do you think I could get you to go to the hospital?” She asked softly, “We’ll get a rape kit, a tox screen and see if you were drugged.” He sniffled a couple moments, staring at his lap. 

“Okay,” he finally relented, “But I don’t want anyone in that room but you. No Rollins or Carisi or my Mom or any of that.” He felt dazed as she led him from his office to her car. Carmen was at her desk, staring, obviously seeing the tear streaks on her boss’s face. 

“If for whatever reason, you don’t want part of the exam done, you just tell me,” Liv said softly, “You’re in control of this.” 

“I’m in control of nothing,” he whispered brokenly from the passenger seat. He was distracted, not himself, and when they were in the waiting room, Liv tried to help him fill out his information, but his brain seemed to be blank. He was in tears when he couldn’t think of his social security number. He mostly sat there, staring at the wall while she wrote down what she knew and what she could pry out of him. Liv walked him back to the room, and he changed into the flimsy gown, handing over his suit, both the one he was currently wearing and the one from the night before. He hissed when they pressed the needle into his skin, collecting vials of his blood. Liv held his hand, and he squeezed so tight her fingers felt numb, so she tried to distract him with stories of Noah, with jokes, but he was out of it. He cried when they swabbed him, silent tears that streaked down his unusually pale skin. “I’m gonna be sick,” he whispered, so they swabbed his mouth quickly before handing him a bag. He did start throwing up, and Liv gently rubbed his shoulder as he sobbed. Finally, after hours of being touched and photographed and everything, he was allowed to shower. When he came back out, he was damp, his hair plastered on his head, no gel. His eyes were watery, the gown sticking to his skin. He sat on the hospital bed, looking exhausted and broken. Not like Rafael Barba. When she put a hand on his shoulder, he flinched a little bit. He was cold to the touch. 

“Alright, let’s get you back to the precinct, and then I can take you somewhere to sleep,” she said, and he sniffled, refusing to meet her eyes.

“Can you find me something to wear home?” He whispered, and she nodded. She started to leave the room, but he grabbed for her hand. “Liv?” He whispered, and she had to take a second before turning towards him. The break in his voice crushed her heart.

“Yes Rafa?” She asked softly.

“Thank you,” he said, and she pulled him close for a hug. He melted into her, his face pressed up against her neck and shoulder, and she ran a soft hand over his back. Finally he let her go, and she found a nurse, asking if they had clothes for assault victims. She was out of luck, so she called Fin up, asking him to bring her an NYPD sweatshirt, and some sort of pants and shoes. She guessed Rafael’s size. He was shivering when she returned, clutching at his phone. There was something tight in his expression that worried her. 

“Is something wrong?” she asked softly, and he held his phone out. 

“He’s texting me,” he whispered. Liv took a look, noting Rafael’s obvious shame. His face was red tinged and he was staring down at his legs. 

_ I want some more of that sweet ass tonight Raf, let me pick you up at 7.  _

_ I know I made you feel so good last night. You moaned like a whore.  _

_ Text me back baby. _

“We’re gonna figure all of this out Rafael, I promise you that,” Liv whispered. He nodded, still averting his eye. “Would anything make you feel more comfortable?” she asked. He shrugged, his face crumbling. His arms were wrapped tightly around himself, and he was sniffling. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, starting to cry, “I feel so violated, so betrayed.” 

“I know this is tough, but we will get him,” Liv said, but Rafael shook his head.

“This case is terrible,” he said, “Don’t pretend. I know. I consented to the beginning of it. Even with the tox screen, it won’t be enough.” 

“I’m going to make sure he pays Rafael. I promise you,” she said softly, and he nodded, knowing not to take that promise from her lightly. Fin knocked on the door moments later, and finally she had some clothes Rafael could wear. She shut the door before Fin could look in the room and see who the victim was. It was only a matter of time until people found out, but she was going to give him as much privacy as possible. As much time where he didn’t need to worry about it. He got himself dressed, collected his wallet and his phone before trailing after her. Fin was still in the hallway, a flicker of surprise flashing across his face before he controlled it. “Rafa, just wait here a second. I’ll be right back,” she said softly, and he nodded. He leaned against the wall tiredly, looking small in the oversized sweatshirt. Liv pulled Fin a little ways away. 

“Did Barba--” he trailed off, and she nodded. 

“I’m gonna need you to brief Rollins and Carisi. This is going to be kept quiet. They’ll need to go speak with the perp later, and I’m going to take him back to the precinct for his official statement and then probably to my apartment to get some sleep,” she said. Fin nodded gravely. 

“Does he need anything?” he asked softly. 

“He needs us to get this guy,” she whispered. She went back to him, guiding him forward with a hand on his back. He was moving slowly, looking exhausted. Liv got him into her car, and he was silent the whole way back to SVU, his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap. It didn’t take him long to do the statement, and then she was trying to convince him to stay with her for a few days, but he was being stubborn.

“I want to go home Liv, and sleep in my own bed. I just want to forget about this,” he whispered. 

“Please Rafa, even just for one night. You shouldn’t be alone,” she begged, but he had already made his decision. Liv drove him home reluctantly, picking up his briefcase from the office and getting his keys for him. She stood at the door as he shakily unlocked it, hands trembling. He stepped inside, taking a deep breath, “Do you want me to stay here with you tonight?” she offered, “I really wouldn’t mind.” 

“You have Noah to worry about Liv. I’ll be alright on my own,” he insisted. She grabbed his wrist as he turned to go farther in.

“If you need anything, and I mean anything, you call me right away Raf. I don’t care if it’s three am and you’re feeling anxious. Call,” she said softly, and he nodded. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow. It’ll be fine,” he whispered. 

“Okay,” she said before he shut the door. 

…………………………………………..

Rafael sat on his couch, wrapping his arms around himself and trying to assess how he felt. He was shaking, his head feeling foggy. He wanted to just lay down and never get up. Instead he began stripping out of the unfamiliar clothes, and he started the shower. He scrubbed himself raw until his skin was bright red. He was surprised he didn’t draw any blood. After his shower, he pulled on some ratty shorts and his favorite soft Harvard tee, and he laid down on the couch. He was feeling sick to his stomach, not hungry at all, and he just wanted to die. He tried to get comfortable, shifting around, but he could still feel Marc’s hands on him. Their consensual encounter felt wrong, and he felt so violated. The only person who had actually shown any interest in him recently had just wanted to use him, and Rafael suddenly couldn’t breathe. Thinking about it made him hyperventilate. He hugged himself tighter, shutting his eyes, and trying to get some sleep. 

_ His face pressed into the sheets, fingers violating him. He wanted to say something, to say no, but his head felt so foggy. He was stuck, being held down, or more like he couldn’t move. His limbs felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. The only noise he could force out of his throat was a low whine. “I know Raf, just give me a sec. I know you want more.” That hand in his hair, petting him.  _

Rafael shot up. It had only been twenty minutes. 

………………………………….

“This guy assaulted Barba?” Sonny asked, incredulously from where he was following behind Amanda. 

“That’s what Liv said,” she replied with a sigh, “We’re just supposed to ask him about it. Liv said she was gonna talk to McCoy tomorrow about getting a warrant.” 

“I’m gonna kill him,” Sonny said softly, “Is Barba alright?” 

“Liv said he’s pretty shaken up. He wanted to be alone tonight. I thought maybe we could all go see him tomorrow maybe,” she said. Sonny nodded.

“Maybe we could all pitch in and get him some sort of expensive gourmet coffee or something. Something to try and cheer him up,” he suggested, and Rollins nodded. They knocked on the apartment door, and a broad, muscular man answered the door. He ran a hand through his dark hair, “Marc?” Sonny asked, and the man nodded.

“And you are?” He asked. 

“I’m Detective Carisi and this is Detective Rollins. We just need to ask you a few questions. Can we come in?” He asked, and Marc nodded, stepping aside to let them in the house. They followed him in, taking a seat on the couch, “What were you doing last night?” Sonny asked. 

“I was here, with my boyfriend,” he said, and Sonny looked over to Amanda for a moment. 

“What’s your boyfriend’s name?” Sonny asked. 

“Um…” Marc trailed off, “Is that really important?” he asked, and Sonny nodded, “Rafael Barba.” 

“Okay. Did anything happen between you two?” Amanda asked. 

“Is he saying I did something to him?” Marc said with an incredulous laugh, “I didn’t do anything he didn’t want. He was moaning like a five cent whore.” 

“He tells the story a little differently,” Sonny said softly, his jaw clenched.“Did either of you have anything to drink?” 

“Raf drank like half my decanter of whiskey. I had some. We were both drunk,” he said. 

“Well I guess we’ll be in touch at a later date,” Amanda said, “Don’t leave town.”

……………………………………

Rafael had been fast asleep. He left the hospital with sleeping pills to help him get some rest, and after some upsetting dreams and anxiety, he had decided to take half a pill to try and get some sleep. A loud crash in his apartment brought him from the fog of sleep. He blinked a few times, feeling disoriented. He didn’t jerk fully awake until he crashed to the floor, a strong hand grabbing a handful of his shirt and yanking him off the couch. He hit the floor hard, knocking the wind out of him, and he gasped for air. A hard kick to his stomach put him on his back, groaning. “You little piece of shit,” a low voice growled, and Rafael’s stomach dropped. That was Marc’s voice. The taller man hauled him up by his shirt once more, throwing a hard punch that connected with Rafael’s jaw. It felt like it was over and over again, his head jerking with every blow. Then he was on the ground again, spitting blood and bracing himself as the assault continued. He felt dazed, stuck, and he couldn’t move no matter how much he wanted to. He whimpered as Marc started kicking him. He tried to crawl away, to grab for his phone that had tumbled to the floor, but Marc grabbed his leg and dragged him back. 

“No,” he mumbled, “Please Marc.” The bigger man grabbed him, pinning him to the floor, and smashed his face into the carpet. 

“I fucking treated you so well you ungrateful slut,” he growled, shoving Rafael’s shirt up. The lawyer whimpered, “I took my time with you. You came all over my bed, moaning and writhing around like the whore you are. Even after I fucked you, I prepped you again. I was gentle.” 

“Please stop,” Rafael begged, sobbing and trying to pull away, but Marc was too strong. He had Rafael pinned, and was starting to pull at his shorts. 

“Now I’m not gonna be so courteous,” he hissed, yanking the fabric down Rafael’s legs and leaving it bunched up around his thighs. “Your ass is mine,” he whispered, and Rafael whimpered. His head was pounding, the blood rushing through his ears, and he felt a heavy ache in his jaw. Nausea was bubbling up inside of him like he was going to throw up everywhere, his vision blurry. There wasn’t much to look at anyways besides the carpet that was beginning to irritate his face. Rough hands yanked him up to his knees, and he squeezed his eyes shut, having to grab at Marc’s legs to steady himself, “Say it you fucking cocksucker.” He felt tears dripping down his cheeks, 

“My ass is yours,” he whispered, just wanting all of it to stop. Marc grabbed at his face, rubbing his crotch against Rafael’s mouth before starting to unzip his fly.

“You bite and you’re dead,” he said softly, “I’ll do you cold.” He pried Rafael’s mouth open, shoving in and roughly shaking his head around. “This is all you’re getting, so you better make me nice and wet.” Rafael felt searing pain in his jaw, his mouth forced open wide, drool dripping down his chin. Finally, Marc pulled out and let him collapse down to the floor. Flipping him over, Marc pinned him down again, shoving his head down and dragging his hips up. He spit a few times, before he pressed in and it hurt. It felt like Rafael was being split in two. “This is what you deserve,” he whispered before starting to move. And that’s how he found himself on the floor, sobbing as Marc hurt him over and over again. He couldn’t breathe, and he was sure something was seriously wrong with him, his tongue feeling too big for his mouth. Blood was building up and he had to spit it out onto his carpet in order to get any air in. Finally when Marc grunted and spilled inside him, he let Rafael drop flat on his face. He pressed a kiss to Rafael’s temple. “Better stop this nonsense baby. I’ll see you later,” he whispered. Rafael just cried more, curling up into a little ball on the floor. Why hadn’t he fought harder? He should have heard Marc coming inside, but he was so stupid, and now he was ruined. He laid still on the floor until he was sure Marc left, the sound of his door shutting alerting him to his solitude. He just laid there for a moment, trying to collect himself enough to think. All he could do was cry though, and he knew he needed to do something, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to go and lay in his bed, burrow himself under the covers and sleep for a week, but what if Marc came back? Rafael felt like he was going to be sick. He managed to lift his head from the floor, but that just made his breathing issues worse. He spotted his phone though, his vision clearing just enough for him to recognize it. He took a deep breath and pulled himself towards it, trying to just breathe and stay calm, but it was a losing battle. He got his hand around the cool plastic, pulling it over to him and opening it up. He sniffled as he clicked on Liv’s number. He didn’t trust himself to be able to talk, so he started a text message. His fingers were shaking as he typed. His brain was barely working, and blood dripped from his lips onto the phone, smearing when he tried to wipe it away. He slowly managed to piece together a coherent thought.  _ You said anything right?  _ He thought a moment before adding,  _ I need you to come over now _ . Liv he could deal with. She might be disgusted, but at least she would help him. He just needed to be near her. He laid his head down after that, letting out a little hiss of air, his jaw aching. He could feel blood and spit dripping from his lips, but he didn’t feel like he could close his mouth. He just laid there, staring at the wall, hand gripping his phone. He didn’t even feel like he could move. He just let himself go blank, finding it easier than actually thinking about anything. He waited. 

……………………………..

Sonny and Amanda walked into SVU, going to find Liv so they could brief her. “Hopefully Liv can get that warrant soon,” Rollins said softly. 

“I’m gonna kick his ass,” Sonny muttered. “Who the hell does he think he is, calling Barba a five cent whore. I’ll kill him.” 

“I wanted to punch him in the face,” she murmured. She knocked on Liv’s office door, and opened the door then, “Hey Liv,” she said, “This Marc is a piece of work.” 

“He admitted to the sex, claimed it was consensual and Barba was drunk,” Sonny said softly. Liv looked up from her computer, her expression tight with anger. 

“You should have seen his face,” she whispered, “It was bad. I got the warrants, so let’s teach this guy a lesson. Go pick him up. Barba’s tox screen came back positive for GHB. They estimated that he ingested it sometime last night. He would have been immobilized.” Sonny nodded, heading out of the room.

“We’ll give you a call when we have him in custody,” Sonny said, Rollins trailing after him. Liv wanted to collar the guy herself after what he put her best friend through. Rafael had never looked so broken in front of her. She wanted to fix this for him as much as was possible. She stood up, going to get herself a coffee and wait for the call from Carisi saying that Marc was on his way to the station where she could interrogate him. Then she could call Rafael with some sort of good news. 

………………………………..

Sonny knocked on the door. “Marc! NYPD, open up the door,” he shouted, but nothing happened. He looked over to Rollins who nodded at him, so he kicked the door in. They entered, guns drawn, but after a quick inventory of the apartment, it was apparent that Marc wasn’t home. Sonny had a bad feeling. “Rollins, he isn’t here.”

“You think he went after Barba?” she asked softly, and Sonny swallowed. It wouldn’t surprise him. He hoped they were wrong. He pulled his phone out, calling up Liv. It rung for a minute before she answered.

“Carisi? You have him?” she asked. He hated to break the bad news to her.

“He’s not here,” Sonny replied. 

“What do you mean he isn’t there?!” Liv asked, sounding alarmed. 

“He’s not in his apartment. Do you want Rollins and I to head over to Barba’s? Just to check on him?” he asked, “We’re worried about him.”

“Hold on, I’m getting a text from him now….” she trailed off, and Sonny waited for her to continue, but it was eerily silent. 

“Lieu?” he asked after it had dragged on. 

“You and Rollins get over there as fast as you can. I’ll meet you there. Call a bus on your way please,” she said after a second, sounding vaguely panicked.

“What’s going on?” he asked, but she immediately responded.

“Just go Carisi. Wait for me before you go in,” she said, and then all he heard was a dial tone. Sonny looked at Rollins before they headed out the door, breaking into a run to get to their car. 


	2. Chapter 2

Liv couldn’t stop reading his texts over and over again.  _ You said anything, right? I need to you to come over now. _ He hadn’t wanted her help at all at the beginning. She knew something had to be terribly wrong. She immediately dialed his number, waiting, praying that he would pick up the phone, but it went to voicemail. She tried again, “Come on Rafael, please,” she whispered. Still no answer. She was speeding down the road at this point, sirens blaring as she headed towards his apartment. As she raced up the steps to his door, she felt nauseous. She stopped outside, texting him instead, and hoping to get an answer.

_ Can I come in?  _ She typed. No answer. She knocked on the door, “Rafael?” she called. Finally, her phone buzzed, a message from him. 

_ Come in. Just you.  _ She felt even more sick as she turned the knob, opening the door. It was dark. She took a step in, carefully, and hit the lights. She froze. Rafael was on his stomach, half curled up on the floor, shorts dragged down around his legs, covered in blood. He was facing away from her, towards the wall, and she quickly came closer to him, kneeling down by his side, “Oh Rafa,” she whispered, feeling tears starting to prick her eyes. She saw a pool of blood beside his mouth, his lips red from the crimson liquid. 

“Liv?” his voice sounded hoarse, muffled almost. 

“I’m right here Rafa,” she said softly, glad to see him conscious. He began to shake like a leaf, looking pale and fragile on the floor. “Who did this to you?” she asked, already knowing the answer. He let out a broken sob, 

“M-Marc,” he mumbled, “So….so angry,” Liv felt unable to speak. She gently rubbed his arm, leaning down by his ear so he could hear her easily, 

“You’re going to be alright Rafa. Can you tell me what hurts the worst? EMS is on their way,” she said softly. He groaned, 

“M-My head,” he whispered, spitting out more blood, “N-No ambulance. Drive me,” 

“I’m sorry,” she said, “I can’t let you get up. We’re gonna have to wait for the bus. Let me help you though. Would you rather I get your shorts up or cover you with a blanket?” 

He hid his face for a second, weeping softly, and Liv felt so guilty, like her heart had shattered into a million pieces. He was shaking with sobs, and she held his hand, trying to be there, to comfort him in some way. “I’m gonna die,” he mumbled, and Liv felt icy panic starting to consume her. 

“No you won’t Rafa. I’m going to make sure you don’t die,” she promised. Since he hadn’t given her an answer, she told him before she was going to touch him, and gently worked his shorts back up so they were covering him, giving him some sense of modesty. She eased him onto his back and stayed with him. There was knock on the door then, 

“NYPD!” that was Sonny’s voice. She dialed his number so she wouldn’t have to yell. She didn’t want to bother Rafael’s headache by making an unnecessary amount of noise. Sonny’s voice filtered through the speaker almost immediately, “Hello?” 

“Carisi, I’m in here with Barba. I don’t want anyone else to come in until EMS gets here. Call CSU,” she said, and Sonny was silent for a minute, 

“How bad is Barba?” he asked. 

“He’ll be alright. He’s pretty beat up though. Marc really did a number on him,” she answered. Rafael seemed to have zoned out again on the ground. His face was red with abrasions, carpet burn on his cheek. His eye was already starting to swell up, patches of his face swollen, angry, and hot to the touch. His mouth lolled open, blood and spit dripping from his lips. He looked incredibly swollen around that area. His shirt rode up to show other areas that would definitely bruise. “Oh Rafa,” she murmured, “I’m so sorry,” She felt guilty. She had sent the detectives to talk to Marc too early. They should have waited or given Rafael some sort of protection. She shouldn’t have let him refuse her help. Now he was even more hurt. She gently ran her fingers through his hair, smoothing it away from his sweaty forehead, “I’m here for you Rafa, and I am so sorry. I won’t let anything happen to you again,” 

“Not your fault,” his voice was soft, but she was glad to hear it, 

“Is this okay?” she whispered, and he nodded, 

“Feels good,” he breathed as she continued to stroke his hair. He made a soft wheezing sound, “My throat,” he mumbled, “Feels tight,” 

“It’s alright. EMS is almost here. It’s going to be okay,” she murmured, and he nodded, letting his eyes close. 

“Liv you still there?” Carisi’s voice startled her, 

“Yeah Carisi. How far is EMS?” she asked softly. 

“Rollins is bringing them up now,” he replied, and Liv breathed a sigh of relief. It was only moments before Sonny let the paramedics in and they began to get Rafael onto the stretcher. His eyes flew open, so she held his hand, trying to make sure he didn’t freak out, 

“It’s all going to be alright. I promise,” she whispered. He whimpered softly when they strapped his head down, trying to immobilize it. She followed them out the door, passing by Sonny who looked pale as a ghost. He brought a hand up to his face, covering his mouth. “Carisi, get Fin down here to supervise CSU. There is no messing this up. You and Rollins can head home or meet me at the hospital,” Sonny’s eyes seemed to be glued to Rafael who was groaning softly, his eyes shut as they checked him out. “Carisi,” she said, trying to get him to snap out of it. 

“Sorry, sorry,” he whispered, “Sure. I’ll call him.” 

“And I want you guys to follow any possible leads. We have to find him,” Liv said. 

“Liv I’ll kill this guy with my bare hands if I have to,” Sonny whispered. She sighed, patting his shoulder before rushing after Rafael and the paramedics. He was out of it as they got him inside, and as they started driving, he appeared to pass out. The Paramedic tapped his arm a few times before checking his pulse. Liv felt like her own heart stopped as she waited for them to confirm if he was alright, 

“He appears to have some head trauma, apparent malocclusion. He’s still breathing, but I’m worried about his airway,” the paramedic said. 

“I’ll get intubation supplies ready in case we lose it,” the other guy said, starting to collect supplies, but almost immediately Rafael looked at Liv blearily for a few moments before he started wheezing. There was a horrible gurgling sound, and Rafael’s eyes were wide open with panic. Liv looked at the paramedics who were getting supplies. The younger one stabilized Rafael’s face, opening up his airway the best he could with a jaw thrust. 

“We’ve lost it. There’s swelling and blood obstructing his airway,” the man said, “Rafael, hey, try to stay calm, we’re going to intubate you and it will feel uncomfortable, but then you’ll be able to breathe better,” Rafael’s eyes went wider, but he was trying to keep himself calm, reaching for Liv’s hand. She gripped it tight, covering her mouth and praying they could get him breathing again. She felt tears dripping down her face, and she could see them on his. He was shaking with sobs which was not making his breathing any easier. One of the paramedics held his head still while the other pressed a sort of scope in his mouth, pulling his tongue out of the way. He made a gagging sound, and Liv was pretty sure she could see him turning blue. 

“Hurry up, we need to get him breathing,” one of them hissed, and that freaked Rafael out even more. Liv felt panic rise inside her. She had promised him he wouldn’t die. She couldn’t lose him, not her best friend after she had let this happen to him. 

“Shut up Brad, you’re scaring him,” the other man said, “Hand me the tube,” He took a long plastic tube and pressed it into Rafael’s mouth pushing until it finally went down his throat, past the swelling and appeared to be in place. They quickly started ventilating him with a bag, and he sagged against the bed, calming down. He was still making gagging noises, and his eyes were teary, but he was breathing. The paramedics taped the tube in place, and then continued to ensure Rafael was getting air. He started to drift out again, his eyes shutting, and Liv squeezed his hand. She was glad he wasn’t in as much discomfort, but she was concerned about his neurological status if he was losing consciousness. He was in and out on the way to the hospital, looking around with glazed eyes when he was awake. The paramedics supported his jaw, trying to keep everything from moving around, and then they were finally at the hospital. They started wheeling him away, yelling about head CTs, x-rays, and seeing an orthopedic surgeon, and a Liv was left standing there, all alone, on the verge of tears. 

“Liv!” That was Sonny’s voice and he was jogging towards her, “Hey,” he said, and she couldn’t do anything but collapse against him and sob. He seemed shocked at first, arms winding around her as she just cried. “Is Barba….did he….” She couldn’t answer at first, trying to get ahold of herself, 

“No Carisi, he’s not dead,” she finally managed to whisper, “They had to intubate him so he could breathe.” 

“He’s gonna be alright though, right?” he asked, sounding alarmed, and she wasn’t sure how to answer that. 

“I don’t know Carisi,” she whispered. They both sat in the waiting room, anxiously awaiting word on his condition, 

“Rollins is searching Marc’s apartment with Fin’s help. They wrapped up at Barba’s apartment after an hour or two I guess,” he said softly after checking his phone. Liv felt herself shaking while she waited, praying that Rafael would pull through. She needed him to be okay. She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if he didn’t make it. “Have you called his Mom, I think she’s his emergency contact,” Sonny asked. 

“He doesn’t want that,” she said softly, “He would be upset.” 

“Oh.” Sonny whispered. It was silent, tense, and Liv found herself holding Sonny’s hand as she prayed silently that Rafael would be alright. Finally, a doctor appeared in the waiting room, 

“Olivia Benson?” he asked, and she stood up, gulping, “Rafael is awake in his room, and he was asking for you. He’s still intubated right now, but we’re hoping to take the tube out soon,” She nodded, following after him, wiping her eyes. He led her through what felt like hallway after hallway until she finally made it to a little room in the ICU, where she could see Rafael laying in bed, his eyes shut. He looked exhausted. She went in, taking a seat in the chair beside him, grabbing for his hand and leaning her head down on his stomach as she sobbed. She was so glad to see him alive. A soft hand on her hair startled her, and when she looked up, he was awake. He had tears on his face, but he was gently stroking her hair. 

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered. He let go of her, grabbed a pad of paper and a pen that was beside him and scribbled something on it before showing it to her. 

_ I’m okay. Swelling down=tube out. Jaw broke, need wire. Not your fault.  _

“I’m so sorry. You must be in so much pain,” she whispered. He shook his head just slightly before writing again. 

_ Morphine+Muscle relaxers. _ They had cleaned up his face some, steri-stripping any cuts or abrasions and wiping the blood off. He looked better besides the tube that was still making sure he could breathe. He thankfully didn’t appear to be gagging on it anymore, instead letting the machine help him breathe. 

“We’re gonna get him Rafa,” Liv whispered, tears flooding her eyes, and he went back to forking his shaking fingers through her hair, but she could see the tears rolling down his cheeks. A knock on the door startled them both. 

“Mr. Barba?” A younger nurse said, “I’m a SANE nurse, and I understand you were sexually assaulted?” He nodded just slightly. “Are you interested in having a rape kit done to collect evidence,” He shut his eyes for a second, the tears rolling faster. 

“This will be his second kit today,” Liv explained softly. “Rafa? Do you want them to do it?” She asked softly, and he nodded, snot sticking to his face. “Do you want me to stay with you?” She asked, and he nodded again. Liv took a seat beside him, holding his hand as she started to get supplies. EMS seemed to have cut his clothes away, so they were mostly gone. 

“Did someone swab your cuts?” The nurse asked, and he looked to Liv like he wasn’t sure. 

“Shouldn’t you guys be more organized?” She asked lowly, “He’s been in and out of consciousness,” She had the decency to blush, but it wasn’t really her fault, and Liv knew that. 

“I need to ask you a series of questions to help with the exam, okay?” She asked softly, and he nodded, “Have you had consensual sex in the past few days?” He wrote down quickly on the paper, explaining what happened with him and Marc the day before, but that he had an exam for that and he had taken more than one shower afterwards, “When you were assaulted, was there anal penetration?” Rafael had more tears flowing, and all he could do was nod, “How about oral?” He nodded again, and Liv’s heart clenched for him. “Did he use a condom?” Rafael’s eyes suddenly went wide like he hadn’t even thought about that. He shook his head and started sobbing. Liv tried to comfort him, holding his hand tight, but he was suddenly very upset. 

“Rafa try to stay calm,” Liv said softly as he started to get so worked up, he was gagging again. He breathed through his nose for a few moments, shutting his eyes and then grabbing the pad of paper. 

_ Calm?! HIV. STDs.  _ He wrote angrily, and she wished she could comfort him or promise that he wouldn’t get anything, but neither of them knew. “Mr. Barba, I can get you prophylactic treatment for HIV, and since you will start it early, it will be as effective as possible. We’ll get a rapid HIV test and retest you later. As for STDs, you can get started on some antibiotics. I know that it’s scary right now, but we will take good care of you,” She started to collect everything she would need for the exam, and then got his legs up in the stirrups, “EMS gave me your boxer briefs, but I need your permission to include them in the kit,” the nurse explained. Rafael nodded. She was getting out swabs when Liv thought about how he wouldn’t be able to turn over at all. 

“Excuse me,” she said softly, “Wouldn’t he not only be much more comfortable without all of those tubes, but wouldn’t it make the exam easier?” The woman thought for a few moments, 

“I can get his doctor and ask, but that’s not my decision,” she said softly. 

“Well could you please do something,” she hissed tensely. Rafael put a hand on her arm as the woman left the room. “Seriously, she didn’t even take your legs down,” She helped him to lay flat again. He tapped her arm, rubbing up and down, and she looked at him, “You alright?” He nodded, grabbing for his paper again. He scribbled for a few moments. 

_ What are you, my mom?  _ He was sort of smirking at her the best he could, and she laughed softly, glad to be able to see him act even just a little bit like himself.  _ I’m alright, try to calm down.  _

“Tell me if you need anything Rafael,” she whispered, “I will take care of it,” He nodded again, and then the doctor poked his head in. He examined Rafael’s mouth, and they made the decision to take the tube out. “Can I stay with him?” Liv asked softly. The doctor looked to Rafael, and he nodded. 

“If it’s okay with Mr. Barba, it’s alright with me. You can’t freak out or interfere with his medical treatment. If you upset him, I will throw you out of the room immediately,” he warned her, “He is going to be uncomfortable.” Liv nodded, sitting beside him and taking his hand. He started crying softly, tears welling up in his eyes and dripping down his cheeks. The nurse braced his head gently, and Liv squeezed his hand as the doctor deflated the air cuff in the tube and began to remove it. Rafael coughed and choked as they pulled it out, and she wished she could help him more. He looked panicked, 

“Rafa, it’s alright. They’re almost done,” she whispered, and he squeezed her hand, his eyes shutting. Finally, it was out and he was sucking in air, looking alarmed. 

“Rafael, don’t force talking. Your throat is going to be sore,” the doctor said gently, “We’re going to take your catheter out too in order to minimize infection risk,” Rafael blushed furiously. 

“Do you want me to leave?” she asked softly, and he shook his head, “I’ll just turn away then, but I’ll stay right here,” She sat on the edge of the bed so she could still look at his face, and he held tight to her. “Once this is over, do you want me to call your Mom?” she asked. 

“No,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. She was glad to hear him talk, “Please don’t call my Mom,” 

“I won’t then,” she said gently, “You think you’d be alright with staying with me and Noah at least for a couple nights,” 

“He said he was coming back,” he whispered. She looked at him, alarmed. 

“Don’t you worry about that Rafael,” she murmured, “He’s going to jail for a very long time,” 

“You can’t protect me forever,” he murmured, and she gently rubbed his arm. He looked terrified, defeated, and the way he winced as the doctor worked hurt her heart. Finally it was done, and they could get started on the exam itself. He was really beat up, so turning on his side for swabs was painful. They carefully swabbed him all over, took pictures of his bruises, He took the medicine they brought him, crying the whole time as he thought about possibly getting HIV or something awful. Liv wrapped an arm around him, sitting beside him on the bed, and he leaned his head on her shoulder. Finally, they were done, and he was allowed to shower if he wanted. They were keeping him overnight for observation considering his breathing issues and concussion. The doctor was supposed to be coming in to wire his jaw shut. Liv wanted to hold him and take his pain away, especially because it was her fault this happened in the first place. He looked so small and broken, a far cry from her best friend, and she hated seeing him like that. 

“Rafa, I’m so sorry about all of this,” she whispered, and he shook his head, 

“Stop apologizing. It was my own fault,” he murmured. 

“No, it wasn’t,” she insisted. 

“Regardless, it wasn’t yours,” he said, “I was the one who wanted to go home,” 

“I should have stayed with you,” she replied, 

“And I should have nailed William Lewis the first time,” he responded. She shook her head at him, 

“Why would you ever blame yourself for that?” she asked, and he looked at her, 

“Because I let you get hurt. You didn’t do a thing wrong this time. It was me,” he insisted. 

“Rafael--” she was interrupted by the doctor. 

“Mr. Barba, we need to take you down to a procedure room to wire your jaw,” the woman said gently. He looked worried, “You’ll just be under conscious sedation,” 

“I need to go talk to Carisi, but I’ll be here when you get back,” Liv said softly. 

“He can come in here if he wants,” Rafael whispered, “I mean, you have to get home to Noah. I don’t want you to stay here only because of me,” 

“I’m gonna give Lucy a call. She can stay with Noah tonight Rafa,” Liv said softly. 

“No--” he started to say, but they needed to take him out of there, 

“We can talk more about it later. I’ll see you when it’s over,” she promised. He nodded, holding onto her hand until the last minute. They wheeled him out, and then he was gone. 

Liv tiredly headed to the waiting room, seeing Carisi who was still sitting in his chair. He stood up as he saw her approach, “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey Carisi. He’s done with his rape kit. He broke his jaw, and they’re wiring him now. He’s gonna end up staying the night tonight,” Liv explained. 

“But he’s okay?” he asked softly, and Liv nodded, “Um, Rollins called. She said they’ve hit a wall with Marc. The lab has everything from Barba’s apartment though.” 

“Tomorrow, we’ll have to have a meeting and figure this all out,” she said softly, “Tell Fin to look over it again.” He nodded, “Come on, let’s go back to the room. I promised Barba we’d be there when he got back,” Carisi followed behind her, looking nervous. They were sitting in the room when the nurses wheeled in a drowsy looking Rafael. He was bleary where he was laying in bed, eyes shut. He blinked a few times, and she put on a friendly smile, “Hey you,” she said softly. He managed a weak raise of his lips. 

“Rafael you’re going to have to eat soft food. You can purée meals if you’d like, but you need to make sure you get your nutrients. I’ll have a nurse show you how to brush your teeth before you’re discharged tomorrow. If you get muscles spasms then you can use a warm cloth to try and soothe the muscles,” the nurse said, but Rafael obviously didn’t hear much of it. He looked at Liv mostly, smiling like a dope, but then he suddenly got teary eyed, and she took a seat beside him. 

“Hey Rafa, what’s wrong?” she asked softly. He sniffled loudly. 

“Don’t leave me alone please,” he murmured, “He’s gonna get me again.” 

“No he won’t Rafael. Don’t worry. I’ll be here with you tonight,” she promised. He nodded, but then he seemed to remember something. 

“What about Noah?” he whispered. 

“How about this, I’ll duck out and say goodnight to him, and then I’ll come back,” Liv suggested, and he nodded. 

“I’ll stay with you Rafael,” Sonny said softly, and Liv sighed, motioning for him to go in the hallway with her once Rafael okayed it. 

“Carisi,” she whispered. “I swear to God if you upset him, I will put you on desk duty for a month. Don’t push him or get into an argument or annoy him. Just let him relax.” Sonny visibly gulped, nodding before heading back into the room and taking a seat beside Rafael’s bed. “Rafa,” Liv said softly. “I’ll be back later. You and Carisi are gonna hang out for a little bit.” 

“M’kay,” Rafael mumbled, shutting his eyes again. Liv slowly left, hoping he might start to feel better soon. 

…………………………………..

Rafael felt really airy, laying in the bed, half asleep. His eyes were shut at first, but he quickly started to become more aware. He saw Sonny sitting next to him, looking worried, and he couldn’t help but tease the detective, “What the hell Carisi,” he mumbled, his voice hoarse, “Don’t just gape at me like a codfish,” Sonny’s eyes went wide, but he laughed softly, obviously surprised at Rafael’s snarky comment. 

“How-How are you feeling?” he asked softly, and Rafael snorted, 

“I’ve certainly been better,” he whispered, still getting used to talking with his teeth wired together. It was definitely a challenge. The wires were chafing at the inside of his lips. 

“Ya know, when my sister was a little kid…..” Carisi started telling him a story, and Rafael found it oddly soothing rather than irritating. He needed normal. Something to keep his mind off of things, so he didn’t mind Carisi’s rambling. 

……………………………………..

Liv had been quick at home, packing up a bag and rushing back to the hospital. She didn’t want to leave Rafael alone for long, even if he was with Carisi. He had already been through enough for a one night. When she got to the room, Sonny was talking softly, and Rafael was sitting up in bed sipping at some sort of drink. “Hey,” she said softly, and Rafael brightened even just looking at her. “Thanks Carisi.” 

“Yeah, anytime,” Sonny said softly, “See ya tomorrow counselor.” 

“Bye,” Rafael said softly. Liv came inside, setting her bag on the chair. 

“You doing alright?” she asked softly, and he shrugged. She moved beside him, “Carisi was okay?” she asked. 

“Captivating as usual,” he said, some humor in his voice, and she chuckled. She looked at him, closely for the first time and shook her head, feeling guilty all over again. He had a nasty gash above his eye, red scrapes and irritation on his cheek. There were bruises everywhere. He had a black eye, bruising on his neck, and his lips looked dry and uncomfortable. She dug through her bag for chapstick, hoping to make him feel even a little more comfortable. He held still for her, letting her put it on his lips. 

“Can I do anything for you?” she asked softly, and he just shrugged. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “I just….” he looked away, his eyes filling with tears. “I’m trying to keep my spirits up, but it hurts so bad. Everything hurts and I can’t close my eyes without thinking of him,” Liv sat on the edge of the bed, scooting closer. 

“I’m so sorry Rafa,” she murmured, pulling him close. He leaned his face against her shirt, and she ran her fingers through his hair gently, and he sniffled. He lost it after a moment, letting himself sob against her, and she rubbed his back and rocked him. 

“He just kept hitting me,” he whispered. “I was asleep, and I took some medicine to help...and then he was there and pulled me off the couch and he started punching me and then he was kicking and he made me--he forced himself in my mouth.” Liv felt her eyes filling with tears. “And then he pinned me on the ground and shoved inside me, and it hurt so bad.” She cradled him close, whispering to him and promising him it would be alright. He was breathing harshly, clinging to her. 

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered, and he sniffled a few times, “Please tell me something,” she said softly once he had calmed down a bit. “You said….you said earlier about William Lewis.” He looked down at his lap. “Did you really blame yourself for that?” He was quiet for a few minutes before he finally answered. 

“You got hurt Liv,” he said, “I could have prevented it. I should have prevented it.” 

“Rafa, you couldn’t help what happened,” she said softly. 

“Then tell me how you could possibly blame yourself for this?” he asked. 

“I should have stayed with you or made you--”

“Made me what Liv? You know how I am. I made that decision,” he said. 

“But I sent the detectives to talk to Marc too early. It tipped him off, and he went after you,” she argued. Rafael looked away. 

“And he knew where I lived because I let him in my apartment before,” he murmured. 

“How could you know he would attack you?” she asked, but he just shook his head, leaning back against the pillow. He scooted over, motioning for her to curl up beside him, so she did. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “For being here with me.” 

“Of course Rafa,” she murmured, holding him close. 

………………………………

She woke up to the sound of gagging and panicked breathing. Liv shot up, seeing Rafael doubled over on the bed, throwing up, red tinged liquid dripping from his lips. He looked panicked, grabbing for the blanket and cringing as he heaved again. Liv moved beside him, rubbing his back and hitting the nurse call button, “It’s okay,” she murmured, but he was sobbing, “Rafa, just try to breathe,” He was gasping, looking away from her, and she wished he wasn’t feeling so terrible. A nurse came rushing into the room, taking one look at him before coming to his bedside, 

“Hey Rafael,” she said softly, hand on his shoulder, “Can you look at me?” He complied, “How’s your breathing?” 

“Okay,” he whispered, still struggling a little bit, but she was glad to hear him talk. 

“Alright, it looks like you ingested some blood earlier, and you have a lot of drugs in you, which can cause nausea and vomiting” she said. “Let me get you some water to swirl around in your mouth and spit out, and someone will be here in just a moment to help you clean up,” He was blushing, refusing to look at her, tears dripping from his eyes as he stared at his lap. She moved the blanket away from him, trying to help, but he still wouldn’t look up. 

“Are you in pain?” Liv asked softly, reaching for his hand. He took a shaky breath, but let her hold it. She rubbed his chest softly. 

“Yes,” he whispered. He was quiet for a second, “I’m sorry,” he finally murmured. 

“Hey, no, don’t apologize. You can’t help this,” she said, gently wiping his face with a tissue. The nurse returned with some water, and her and a colleague helped to clean him up. He was able to swish around the water and spit it out into a little cup, and Liv stroked the back of his head. He was sweating, looking pale and awful. 

“My head,” he whispered, “Oh,” he brought a hand up, laying it against his forehead. 

“I’m going to get the doctor,” the nurse said, “She can decide if she wants to add anymore medicine to help with your headaches. I’ll turn the light down on my way out,” 

“Thank you,” Rafael murmured, shutting his eyes. The dimmed lights did seem to help him, and Liv watched his face carefully, checking for pain or difficulty breathing. “I’m sorry I woke you up,” he said, and she shook her head. 

“Are you seriously apologizing to me for puking Rafa?” she asked, and he blushed again. “You have nothing to be sorry for, so don’t say it to me again.” 

“I--I’m s--” she leveled him with a glare, so he caught himself, quieting down. It was only a few moments before the doctor came in the room, knocking softly on the door. 

“I understand you vomited?” she asked softly, and Rafael nodded, “Do you feel like you can breathe alright?” 

“Yeah,” he replied. 

“How does your head feel?” she asked, and he shrugged.

“I’m definitely having some pain and light sensitivity,” he said, and she took a look at his chart. 

“You are on quite the drug regimen, I think we’ll just wait it out. If you continue to have issues, I’ll reassess, okay?” she explained, and Rafael nodded gratefully, glad that everyone was going to leave him alone finally. He wanted to sleep and forget everything. He was feeling airy again, drowsy like he was floating or submerged in some sort of molasses. 

“You need anything Rafael?” Liv’s voice sounded like it was miles away. 

“No,” he mumbled, shutting his eyes. His eye lids felt like they weighed a thousand pounds. Liv’s hand carding through his thick locks put the nail in the coffin, and he blissfully slipped out of awareness once more. 

……………………………………..

When Rafael woke up, Liv was asleep beside him. He wasn’t sure exactly when she had crawled up in the bed again, but he wasn’t about to ask her to leave. He cuddled closer, wanting some comfort after everything he’d been through. He felt tears in his eyes, sniffling as he laid there. He didn’t want Liv to worry about him, but he couldn’t help himself from losing it. Sure enough, she woke up minutes later, “Hey,” she whispered, and he curled up on his side, trying to quiet down. “Rafa, hey, you’re alright,” she whispered. “I promise.” 

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, hiding his face. The more he cried, the harder it was for him to breathe and he was starting to wheeze some. 

“Try to breathe slowly,” Liv said gently, a hand on his shoulder. He finally calmed down a bit, and she was able to talk to him. “What’s wrong?” 

“Everything hurts, and I just want this to be over,” he whispered. “Nothing feels real anymore. It’s like I’m trapped in a horrible dream.” She wrapped him up in a hug, and he clung shamelessly to her, trying not to sob anymore. The comfort of her arms was almost overwhelming. He needed it, and he hated that. He didn’t want to be so hopelessly attached to Liv. She had made it clear to him that she wasn’t interested, and he wanted to respect that. He didn’t want her to pity him, or to be near him because she thought he needed it. He wanted her to feel the same want that he did. He wanted her to enjoy being with him, to want to share her victories with him, or let him comfort her when she was down. He wanted it so badly...not this. 

“You are going to get through this Rafael,” she whispered. “It’s going to get better, and I swear to you that we will make him pay for what he did.” He nodded, leaning his face against her shirt. She rubbed his back for a few moments. “Would you feel up to giving your statement today?” she asked, and he was quiet for a second. He didn’t really want to think about what had happened in his own home the night before, about being pinned to his own floor and violated. 

“I--I guess I could try,” he whispered. 

“Would you be alright if Carisi took it?” she asked softly, and he nodded. “Alright, maybe after you’ve gotten something to eat.” He sighed softly, shrugging. “I better get out of this bed before the nurse comes back.” He did laugh at that. She carefully extracted herself from the bed, taking a seat in the chair beside him. It wasn’t long before there was a knock on his door. 

“Rafael, hey, how are you feeling this morning?” the nurse asked softly, coming over and grabbing his wrist gently to feel for his pulse. 

“My head hurts,” he said softly, “And my muscles feel really tight.” 

“I’ll get you some heat packs for your cheeks, and we can see what the doctor thinks about a little bit more morphine,” the young woman said, and Rafael nodded. “We’re gonna try some breakfast, see if you can keep it down.” He nodded softly. “How does a smoothie sound?” 

“Good, thank you,” he said, and she smiled at him. He wondered if she was trying to cheer him up because he looked so terribly down. He felt small and pathetic in that hospital bed, and he wanted his own clothes back. He wanted to feel normal again. 

“Can you raise your arm for me?” she asked, wrapping a blood pressure cuff around his arm. “How’s your breathing been?” 

“Pretty good. A few small issues here and there,” he admitted. 

“If you can’t get air in, it’s okay to cut the wires if necessary. Cut here if you have to. Only if you can’t breathe,” she explained. Rafael did feel a bit better knowing he could snip the wires if he needed to. She finished examining him, and promised to bring him back a smoothie. He rested then, leaning his aching head against the pillow. 

“Can I get you anything?” Liv asked, and he thought for a second, his mind feeling blank. He had no idea what would possibly make him feel any better. 

“Maybe my own clothes,” he said softly, “To leave in.” 

“I’ll have Carisi pick some up for you on the way to the hospital,” she said, “Anything in particular you would like?” The first thing that came to mind was his Harvard shirt. The soft one he bought his first weekend at Harvard when everything seemed to be looking up for a change, but that was ruined, probably in some medical waste bin or in the rape kit. It made him want to cry. He couldn’t hold back some of the tears. “Rafa, oh, I’m sorry. Did I say something--”

“It’s just,” he had to take a shaky breath, “My Harvard shirt, my favorite one. It got ruined last night.” 

“Oh,” she whispered, “I’m so sorry Rafa.” 

“I loved that shirt,” he whispered, swiping at the tears and feeling stupid for crying over a shirt, but it hurt all the same. It was easier to cry about his shirt than about Marc assaulting him, “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “Just some sweatpants, I have a soft black pair in my second drawer down, and my grey hoodie.” 

“Don’t apologize to me. That shirt was important to you,” she murmured, trying to comfort him. 

“I’m so….I shouldn’t be so emotional right now. I need to just calm down,” he whispered. 

“Stop that.” she said sternly, “You have just been through a trauma Rafael.” 

“I hate this,” he whispered, wiping at his eyes again. 

“I know,” she replied. Finally the nurse brought him his smoothie in a white styrofoam cup. He thanked her softly, taking a sip. “Any good?” Liv asked. 

“It’s strawberry,” he whispered. “Pretty good.” 

“It’s edible?” she asked with a laugh and he smiled. “Carisi is on his way. Should be here soon.” 

“Okay,” he murmured, sighing, his eyes downcast. He looked terrible. When Sonny finally showed up, Rafael looked tense, and he crossed his arms almost defensively. He was obviously uncomfortable. He looked awful. 

“Hey Barba,” Sonny said softly. 

“Please, call me Rafael,” he murmured, shutting his eyes. 

“I brought your clothes,” the detective set them on the table for him. “Would you like to sit in a chair with me? I think we could get a conference room if you want,” Sonny asked. 

“Can Liv come?” he whispered. “I-I’d like it if she would stay with me.” Sonny nodded,

“Let me help you,” he said softly. He and Liv eased Rafael up to his feet, and he slowly trailed after them, pulling his IV pole with him. His face was dark tinged, bruising flourishing under his skin. It was darkening from the red abrasions of the day before, deepening into a purple color that looked angry. There was a lot of swelling, especially around his eye. His jaw was so swollen, he looked like he had just gotten his wisdom teeth out. He was tired by the time he reached the conference room, collapsing down into a chair. He ran a hand through his hair self-consciously, wanting to take a shower. 

“Whenever you’re ready Rafael,” Sonny said softly, and Liv put a hand over his. Rafael had to take a deep breath, trying to stay calm. He wanted to stay calm, to get through this, but it was so hard to think about. This wasn’t just talking to Liv. It was telling the police a statement that could be used in court, telling everyone what Marc did to him. 

“Um,” he whispered, looking down at the table. He didn’t feel like he could speak though, his throat feeling tight. He looked back up for just a second, seeing the worried and sympathetic gazes of people he worked with and hating this even more. He shut his eyes, trying to hold himself together, “I went home,” he said softly. “And I--I was having nightmares, so I took half of an Ambien the doctor prescribed me at the hospital. Just so I could get some sleep.” His voice was shaking, tears already building up in his eyes. “I was laying on the couch, and then suddenly someone was hitting me in the face, repeatedly,” He had to stop a second to compose himself, the tears now making their way down his face. “I didn’t know it was Marc until he started talking.” 

“Do you remember what he said?” Sonny asked softly, and Rafael shook his head, tears now dripping onto the table.

“It’s all fuzzy,” he whispered, sucking in panicked breaths. 

“It’s okay,” Liv whispered, but when he looked up, she was crying too. 

“I never should have stayed there alone, but I insisted. I wanted to be in my own apartment,” he said softly. “I didn’t want to bother anyone, but I got myself raped.” He waited a few moments, wiping his face before trying to continue. “He was kicking me and hitting me, and then he dragged me up to my knees. He kept yelling things at me. He rubbed his….all over my face before he forced himself inside my mouth. He told me if I bit him, he would kill me.” He had to stop again. He couldn’t separate the words from the memory, experiencing the horror of the attack all over again. Liv was sniffling beside him, and when he looked up, Carisi looked horrified. He was admirably keeping himself in check though. “After that, he pinned me down to the floor, and he spit a few times before he shoved inside of me, and then he was just raping me, hitting me, and he told me he was going to come back, and I’d better stop talking to the police.” He stopped for a few moments, pulling himself together. He could feel his face getting warm, and Liv seemed upset beside him. She was still silently crying. Carisi’s hand was shaking where he gripped the pen. “I managed to grab my phone off the floor and text Liv, and then you guys came to help me.” Carisi finished writing it down, and handed it to him to read over and sign. Rafael gulped, crying some more as he scribbled his signature across the page. 

“Okay Rafa, good job,” Liv said softly, getting him up again. “You need to get back in bed until the doctor discharges you.” She was still crying, and he was trying to calm down. He could feel himself shaking as he thought about it. Marc was going to come back and he was going to do it all over again, and Rafael wasn’t sure if he would ever feel safe again. He laid back in the hospital bed, wanting to die. “Hey, it’s gonna be alright,” Liv said softly, but he just shook his head.

“Nothing is alright,” he whispered. She held his hand, and he laid curled up on the bed, trying to hold in his sobs. 

“Mr. Barba?” the nurse said softly. “A doctor will be in to examine you in a moment, so you can leave. I’ll send you home with instructions for your jaw, and we’ll expect you back in a week or two for another HIV test, and to hopefully get those wires off.” He sniffled softly, hiding his face in his arm. He didn’t want people to look at him. He was sure his face looked awful, especially with how bad it stung as he brushed the skin with his arm. 

“Rafa, don’t do that,” Liv said softly, pulling at his arm, but he was stubborn. “Hey, shh,” she murmured, rubbing his back, but he just curled in on himself more. 

“I can’t,” he whispered. “I can’t do this anymore. I don’t want HIV, I don’t want to be broken, I don’t want any of this.” 

“I know,” she said comfortingly. “I know you don’t, but you’ll get through this Rafael.” He wasn’t listening though, sobbing against the bed instead. His fingers twisted in the bedspread, his muscles contracting as he made himself smaller. “Hey,” Liv said softly, running her hand down the column of his spine, “You need to breathe, and you need to try and listen to me Rafa,” She waited a moment before adding, “I know you can, just breathe in and out, count,” He finally started to listen to her, breathing softly, counting each second before he turned onto his back, tears maring his face. His chest was heaving, and he looked defeated. “You might not have HIV, let’s not jump to the worst possible conclusion,” she said softly. “They have you on meds to make sure you don’t get it. Your rapid test came back negative.” He sobbed again, wiping at his cheeks, obviously trying but failing to calm down. Liv gently wiped some snot from his face, trying to make sure he could breathe, but he was still upset, and making it worse by the minute. “Stop that Rafa,” she whispered, and he finally began to calm down some. He looked miserable, and she hated herself for not being able to take that away from him. He was still sniffling when the doctor came in. The exam didn’t take long, and he nodded slightly as all of his home care instructions were reiterated. Liv paid extra attention, trying to keep track of what he would need. She wasn’t taking no for an answer this time. Either he let her stay with him at his apartment, or he was coming to hers. Unless he wanted to stay with his mother. Finally the doctor left the discharge papers, and Rafael was angrily staring at his lap. “Do you need help with the clothes or can you do it on your own?” she asked softly. He shut his eyes, looking ashamed. 

“Can you stay in here, just in case?” he whispered. She nodded, turning around to give him some privacy. She heard some rustling, a pained hiss, and then his soft voice, “Help me?” he whispered, sounding distressed. She turned around, and he was in boxer briefs, struggling to pull on a shirt. There were bruises all over his stomach, deep bruises, some over his ribs and down his side. Liv helped him to ease the shirt over his head, not touching his face in the process. 

“What hurts?” she asked softly when he winced. 

“My arm,” he said softly. “I can’t--when I lift it, it pulls and--” He made a face again. 

“Sorry, sorry,” she mumbled, grabbing the pants. She held them for him, so he could slip his legs in, and then he pulled them the rest of the way up himself. Liv put the socks on his feet, and helped him slip into his sneakers. He was done at that point, exhausted, and it was like he couldn’t even think. Liv had to fill out the paperwork for him. He seemed like a zombie as he followed her out of the room, and he had to stop half way down the hall, feeling dizzy. He slumped against the wall for a moment. “Come on, just a little further.” He nodded, starting to walk again. He sat slumped in the passenger seat of her car, wincing when he caught sight of himself in the mirror. It was worse than he could have imagined. Dark bruising mottled almost every inch of his usually clear face, gashes in his skin that were bandaged. He looked like a chipmunk, the area under his jaw puffy with inflammation. He looked away, shame flooding him. “My place okay?” she asked softly, “I’m not letting you go anywhere alone.” He just nodded. He couldn’t imagine going back to his own apartment. Not after what had happened there. “Noah will love it.” Noah. He couldn’t imagine the little boy recognizing him like this. He would probably scar Noah for life. 

“I’ll scare him,” he whispered, but Liv just shook her head at him. 

“No, you won’t,” she said softly. Rafael just shook his head and looked out the window. He was trying to hold in the tears that were bubbling up inside him. All he wanted to do was sob. He was shaking, his arms wrapped around himself, staring out the window and trying to keep himself under control. “Do you want me to get anything from your apartment? I could take you there to help me look if you’d like.” He shuddered, even thinking about going in there threatened to send him tumbling into a flashback. 

“I-I don’t know,” he whispered, his voice tear-filled. 

“Alright, we’ll figure that out later,” she said, and then it was quiet, and he could stare out the window, watching the scenery pass by. His shoulders were hunched, his head aching, so he rested it against the cool glass. He felt dizzy, and his mouth positively ached, the muscles in his face spasming until it was almost unbearable. A few cool tears dripped from his eyes onto the window and he felt pathetic. He barely noticed when the car stopped. “Rafael,” Liv whispered, and he looked down, sniffling. “Rafa, hey, can you get up?” 

“No,” he whimpered. “I just want to stay here.” 

“Rafa, come on, you can lay down inside,” she said gently, and he shut his eyes again, shaking with sobs. He finally let her help him out of the car, and he slowly walked into the house. 

“Mommy!” Noah’s voice rang out excitedly from the living room, and Rafael winced at the loud noise. 

“Noah, shh sweetheart, Uncle Rafa is gonna sleep over tonight, and loud noise makes his head hurt. Can you try to be quiet?” she asked gently, and Rafael felt awful. This was Noah’s home, and he deserved to be a little boy, carefree and happy. Noah looked at him for a few moments, his eyes wide. 

“Uncle Rafa?” he asked softly, “What happened to your face?” Rafael felt his lip quivering. 

“Noah, hey, that’s rude. Uncle Rafa got hurt,” Liv explained softly. Rafael tried to smile softly, and then Noah’s little arms were wrapped around his legs. 

“I’m sorry you got hurt Uncle Rafa,” he whispered. He grunted, easing himself down onto one knee and pulling Noah close. 

“Thank you Noah,” he whispered, holding him close. 

“Do you want to come see my bedroom?” Noah asked, and Liv sighed from where she was standing. 

“Noah, Uncle Rafa is very tired,” she said softly, “Maybe later.” 

“No, Liv, it’s alright,” Rafael said softly. “We can go take a look at your bedroom.” He somehow felt better talking to Noah. It was like things were simple again. Noah was simple. Nothing complicated, no strings attached except that wasn’t true. Noah was Liv’s son, and every moment where he got closer to the little boy was a moment where his dreams could become reality. Where he could finally have a family. He had been so consumed by his job, but then Liv had waltzed into his life and into his heart, and suddenly he wanted this. Rafael did feel exhausted though, and he lagged behind Noah who was pulling insistently on his hand. He finally made it into the little boy’s room, taking a seat on Noah’s bed as the five year old brought him toys that were new. His head felt fuzzy and airy as he sat there, trying to pay attention to what Noah was saying, but it felt like he was under water. He was sitting up one second, but then moments later, he was suddenly staring at the ceiling. Liv was leaned over him then, and she was saying something, but he wasn’t sure what. He just closed his eyes and let sleep consume him finally. 

………………………..

Liv had been in the kitchen when Noah rushed out to find her. She was putting together something for Rafael to eat, pulling fruit out of the fridge and starting to put it in the blender. She added some yogurt, protein powder that she had Fin pick up from the store when little footsteps sounded out on the floor, “Mommy!” Noah called, and she frowned. 

“What’s up kiddo?” she didn’t even look back at him.  

“Can Uncle Rafa sleep in my bed?” he asked. Liv laughed softly. 

“I don’t think so Noah. He needs to have his own bed. Your bed will hurt Uncle Rafa’s back,” she said with a smile. 

“Well maybe you should tell him that,” Noah said softly, and Liv turned around, looking at him strangely. 

“What are you talking about you goofball?” she asked, and he smiled, 

“Uncle Rafa fell down,” he said, and Liv’s eyes went wide. 

“What?” she asked, rushing towards Noah’s room. Rafael was on his back on Noah’s bed, breathing harshly like he was in pain. 

“See, he was sitting up and then he just fell down on my bed. He’s not listening to me,” Noah said, but Liv was too busy sitting down beside Rafael and trying to calm him down, to see if he was okay. She put a hand on his cheek. 

“Hey Rafa, can you get up?” she asked softly, but he didn’t respond. He was just lying there, staring blankly at the wall. It was like he couldn’t even hear her. “Rafa?” Slowly he shut his eyes, and for just a moment, she was terrified he might be having some sort of emergency, but he was breathing fine. In fact, his breathing was calming down from the harsh panicked noises from before. He looked asleep. She let him lay there, figuring he probably needed sleep after everything. She was sure he was exhausted. “Let’s leave Uncle Rafa alone for a little bit,” Liv said softly, taking Noah from the room. She put some cartoons on for him, and finished Rafael’s smoothie, putting it in the fridge for when he woke up. She called Sonny after a bit to check on how he was doing. “Hey Carisi,” she said softly. “How’s it going?” He was quiet for a few moments. “Are you okay after everything. I’m sure that was emotional for you.” 

“Not really Lieu,” he whispered. “I kinda fell apart on Rollins. I just hate thinking about that happening to Barba.” 

“Me too Carisi. He’s family, and I can’t help but feel responsible,” she said. 

“We should have been there to protect him,” he murmured, “It’s a mess down here though. We should have a meeting tomorrow. Try to get some of this sorted so we can find this bastard.” 

“Alright. I’m gonna go check on Rafael. He fell asleep finally,” she said, “Give me a call if you find anything.” She went back to Noah’s room to check on Rafael. He was still sprawled out on his back, but he was restlessly shifting around, soft whimpers escaping his lips. 

“No, please,” he mumbled. Liv sighed, unsure of if she wanted to wake him up to let him sleep. He made that decision for her though, shooting up in the bed with a scream. Liv sat down beside him, but he was already descending into hysterics, sobbing and shaking, pulling his legs up to his chest and leaning his face against his knees. 

“Hey,” she said softly, “It was just a dream Rafael. You’re safe now. Nothing is going to happen to you,” He kept his eyes squeezed shut though, and he was practically wheezing. “No, you have to calm down and breathe,” 

“That’s easy for you to say,” he snapped. He wouldn’t look up. Liv scooted closer with a sigh. 

“Would it be alright if I touched you?” she asked softly. He nodded softly. She started rubbing his back, little circles between his shoulder blades and he relaxed a little bit. He was still weeping though, all scrunched up on the bed, making himself small. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“It’s just him, and I can’t get him out of my head. Some of what happened….that night he drugged me. It comes back in pieces and it makes it even worse,” he whispered, sniffling and wiping his face, “The bruising on my face….I think he, I think after all of it, he put it in my mouth, and he was choking me. I couldn’t scream or say anything. I just laid there limp, and he did whatever he wanted. I remember his fingers inside me, him on top of me, and I was pinned to the bed, unable to move.” 

“Oh Rafael,” she whispered, pulling him close. He pressed his face against her shirt. 

“Why would he do that to me?” he murmured, “I shouldn’t have ever…..I was so stupid,” 

“It wasn’t your fault,” she told him, but he wasn’t listening, “Rafael, listen to me. I should have known Lewis was in my apartment. I froze.” 

“That wasn’t your fault,” he immediately snapped. “You didn’t let him in. You didn’t sleep with him.” 

“Even if I had Rafael, that doesn’t mean that I deserved what he did,” she replied. Rafael looked away, shaking, tears flowing again. 

“I didn’t say I deserved it,” he whispered, “But I should have known better.” 

“How?” she asked. 

“I knew he was pushy,” he said softly, “I tried to make excuses. To ignore it, but I should have seen it. This is my goddamned job.” 

“No one is perfect Rafa, listen to me. No matter what you did or didn’t do, you shouldn’t have to worry about him attacking you. That was his own fault. He was the one who chose to do that,” she explained, trying to help him understand and stop blaming himself, but he was so caught up in it. “He betrayed your trust.” 

“He never should have had my trust,” he argued. He pushed himself up to his feet, looking shaky, “I’m sorry I fell asleep in here.” 

“Don’t apologize, come on, I’ve got some dinner for you,” she said, and he followed her out to the living room. Noah was out cold on the couch, cuddling Eddy. 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I was in his bed,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands. 

“No Rafa, he needs to take a bath anyways. Try to calm down,” she told him gently. Rafael took a breath, clenching his fists, and angrily staring at his lap. 

“I can’t,” he hissed. “I--I can’t.” 

“I know this is tough, but just look at me, and breathe through it,” she whispered, and he nodded, letting her take his hands in hers and lead him through breathing exercises. He finally was able to calm down some, and Liv left him to watch tv for awhile as she got Noah clean and in bed. He was sipping on his smoothie when she came back out into the living room, 

“So what’s gonna happen?” he asked softly after a few moments. 

“What do you mean Rafa?” she asked, sitting down beside him. 

“Am I just gonna stay here?” he whispered. She looked at him carefully, 

“Is that what you want? You know my door is always open,” she told him. “You are more than welcome here. I just need to know that’s what you want.” 

“I hate to put you out,” he whispered. “But I don’t know where else to go.” 

“You aren’t putting me out Rafael. I promise,” she told him. “Tomorrow, we can go to the store and get you some food so you aren’t eating fruit constantly. Tonight, you can sleep in my bed, and I’ll take the couch.” 

“Absolutely not,” he immediately said, his eyes growing wide, “I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

“Over my dead body Rafa,” Liv shot back, “You’re bruised and injured, and you need a good night’s rest. We’ll figure out something better in the morning.” 

“Liv--” he started to say, but she glared at him. 

“If you need me, I’m right out here. I took the day off of work tomorrow,” she said softly. “I might be in and out, but I don’t need to be there.” 

“Liv, I feel awful. You shouldn’t have to change your whole life because of me,” he said softly. He felt terrible that she was taking off work, sleeping on the couch, and going out of her way to accommodate him in her own home. If only he could man up and take care of himself, but he was too scared to even set foot in his own apartment. 

“I’m not. Besides, this whole thing is temporary. You’ll be out of here in no time,” she told him. He was shivering, 

“I don’t know about that,” he mumbled, “I feel like I’m shattered into a million pieces.” 

“It’s only the day after Rafa, come on. You should brush your teeth, and get in bed,” she suggested, but he wouldn’t move. 

“I think I’ll stay here,” he whispered. 

“Rafael,” she said, warningly, but he wasn’t going to give in easily. 

“No,” he said softly. 

“Rafael, please,” she said, grabbing for his hand. He laughed softly when she started pulling at him to try and get him off the couch. They ended up in a tangle on the couch, him hissing softly, but also laughing, and Liv chuckling as well. 

“Mommy?” a sleep bleary voice said, “Why are you and Uncle Rafa wrestling?” She saw Noah standing at the doorway and sighed. 

“Rafael, I better find you in that bed when I get back,” she warned, and he grumbled but started back towards the bedroom. She put Noah back in bed, kissed his forehead, and then went to make sure Rafael was comfortable. She stood at the doorway, taking a look at him, “Tomorrow, you and I are going to get you some clothes, and everything is going to be alright,” she promised. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, stripped down to just the boxer briefs and his hoodie. He laid down, sliding under the blankets. 

“Can you bring me my sleeping pills?” he asked softly, his voice shaking. Liv nodded, fetching the bottle. He seemed nervous as he took it, opening it up, and staring at his hands for a moment. 

“You don’t have to take those Rafa, not if you don’t want to,” she said softly. He sniffled, shutting his eyes. 

“I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t,” He whispered, “But what if he….” 

“He has no idea where you are Rafa. It’ll be alright,” she whispered. 

“What if you just sleep in here tonight,” he whispered, “Then, you wouldn’t have to be on the couch, and I know you’ll protect me,” Liv eyed him warily for a few moments. 

“Are you sure?” she whispered. He shrugged. 

“I don’t mind sharing a bed Liv. We’re both adults,” he finally said, and she nodded with a sigh, 

“Let me get you some water then,” she said, and he carefully took his medicine, brushed his teeth, and then he laid down, pulling the covers over himself. Liv spent a few minutes propping pillows up between them and crawling in bed beside him, her back facing him, 

“Goodnight Liv,” he whispered. 

“Goodnight Rafa,” she murmured back. 


	3. Chapter 3

Liv woke up slowly, light pouring in the room, something warm pressed up against her. She sighed, curling into the warmth, shutting her eyes again, but then she felt hair brushing her skin and her eyes flew open. A mop of brown hair was almost against her face. A mop of brown hair attached to a softly breathing man who was passed out almost on top of her. Somehow Rafael had migrated from his side of the bed to being curled up against her, his head on her chest, clinging. She didn’t have the heart to wake him. His face looked soft, relaxed, a vulnerable she wasn’t sure she ever saw on Rafael. He was unguarded, at ease, and she didn’t want to pull him back into the harsh reality that his life had become. He had a respite from the hell Marc was putting him through, and she would extend it as long as possible. She was tempted to wrap her arms around him, to hold him close and promise him he would be alright, but she felt like that was going a step too far. She didn’t want to scare him. Not after everything he’d already endured. He was solid, broader than she realized, and his relaxed face made him seem younger, the handsome slant of his jaw, soft lashes, eyebrows that were lighter than his hair.

“Mommy? Why are you and Uncle Rafa sleeping together?” Noah’s voice startled her, causing her to jump and disturb Rafael in the process. He blinked sleepily, looking around for a few moments before he realized the position they were in. His cheeks flushed bright red, and he rolled over, getting off of her. He was wincing though, and she hoped he hadn’t worsened his condition in his haste to extract himself from the situation. 

“Noah, let’s get some breakfast and give Uncle Rafa a moment to wake up,” she said softly, getting out of bed. Noah nodded, following her to the kitchen. She took Noah to the table, getting him some food to eat and kneeling down beside him, “Noah, Uncle Rafa is having a hard time right now, so if we could just be really nice to him, I think he would appreciate that,” she said gently, hoping that Noah would understand to be careful with Rafael. As much as a five year old could, of course. There was really no good way to explain it to him. 

“Would it help if I gave him a hug?” he asked, and Liv smiled, 

“You probably should ask him first,” she said. Noah nodded. When she stood up, she saw Rafael idling uncomfortably in the hallway. He seemed like he was nervous to interrupt. “Rafa, do you want something to eat?” she asked softly, and he nodded, coming into the room and coming close to her, 

“Look,” he whispered, staring at his feet. He looked miserable, “I-I’m sorry about…” 

“Oh hush, it’s all fine Rafa. Sit down,” she said gently. He nodded, taking a seat beside Noah at the table. Noah smiled at him, scooting closer. 

“Morning Uncle Rafa,” he said loudly before covering his mouth, and repeating it again in a whisper. Rafael laughed softly, 

“Morning Noah,” he said, a small smile playing at his lips. 

“How does your head feel?” Liv asked as she started to get cereal and milk out to make him a breakfast drink that she had found online. 

“Awful,” he whispered, sighing, “It’s just pounding.” 

“I think the doctor left you some pain meds. I need to take a look at your prescriptions again. Maybe we could get you one of those daily pill holders to help,” she suggested, and Rafael nodded. Whatever Rafael and Noah were talking about softly was lost to her as she started the blender and made his drink. She really needed to get to the store to get supplies. Go to the store, visit the squad, figure out Rafael’s medication, sort out sleeping arrangements. She had a lot on her plate, but she was glad to do it for him. She poured his drink into a glass and set it in front of him. He started sipping at it, and she sat beside him, “That taste okay?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“I feel like I’m eating baby food,” he whispered, and she laughed softly. 

“Just a couple weeks of this. I know you can do it,” she said. He sighed, but nodded and sipped at his drink some more. Noah ate a bowl of cereal while Liv tried to read the labels on his medication. It was giving her a headache trying to figure it out. 

“Sometimes it helps if you write it down,” Rafael whispered from the table, “We did that with my Abuela’s medicine.” 

“What’s an a-abuela?” Noah asked, and Rafael smiled softly, 

“It’s just another name for grandmother,” Rafael said softly. 

“Like Grandma Sheila?” Noah asked, and Rafael peeked at Liv. 

“Yes Noah, like Grandma Sheila,” she explained, “Uncle Rafa’s abuela was his Mommy’s Mom.” 

“Oh okay,” Noah said, “Mommy, can I have a cookie?” 

“Later Noah,” she said softly. He made a pouty face, but climbed down from the table. Rafael sighed softly, dropping his face into his hands, and Liv sat next to him, “You okay?” she asked softly, and he shook his head. She put a gentle hand on his back, “What’s going on?” 

“It’s just everything,” he whispered, sniffling, “It feels like too much.” 

“I know,” she whispered, “But it’ll get easier. I promise.” 

“My head, it really, really hurts,” he murmured. 

“The doctor said to use heat,” she suggested, “Let’s get you on the couch and you can watch some tv.” He nodded softly, and she helped him up to his feet and to the couch where he could lay down. She used two hot clothes that she wrung the water from and pressed them on his cheeks, his head propped up by a pillow. He put on something mindless and shut his eyes as he lay there. Liv got some paper and started trying to figure out what he would need. Clothes, medicine, food options were the first on her list. She sat down with the medicine bottles and read them, making a schedule for him to take his pills. “Rafa,” she said softly, “Do you want to help me get your clothes or would you rather stay here with Noah? Lucy will be here soon.” He opened his eyes, looking torn. “It’s okay if you don’t come with Rafa,” she said. 

“I don’t want you to do it alone,” he whispered, “I’m just...I’m so tired.” 

“I can get Carisi to help. No worries,” she told him gently. He sniffled again and nodded, 

“Liv, really I want to say sorry about this morning. I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable,” he said softly. 

“You didn’t Rafael. I promise. You were asleep,” she assured him, “Don’t worry so much about everything. You and I are going to figure all of this out together. I promise.” He was quiet after that, lying there, his body tense. She was sure he was in pain. He was bruised all over, and obviously his facial muscles did not appreciate being stuck in place. That combined with his concussion had him down and out. She took a seat on the arm of the couch, gently pressing her fingers against his scalp. He sighed softly as she rubbed gentle circles, “Is that okay?” she whispered, and he nodded. She gently massaged his pressure points, trying to help take some of the tension away, and he hummed softly, 

“T-That feels good,” he murmured. 

“Good,” she cooed, continuing her ministrations. He looked drowsy, his eyes falling shut, but he blinked, trying to stay awake, “You can go to sleep if you need.” 

“Everytime I sleep, I see him,” he whispered, “I--I can’t.” 

“What if I sat here with you?” she asked softly, and he opened his eyes, looking at her.

“What?” he whispered. 

“I’ll just sit here with you, like this,” she said, easing his head up and putting a pillow there for him, “And you can take a nap. I’ll keep the bad dreams away.” 

“I vaguely remember Mami saying something like that to me when I was six,” he whispered, and Liv laughed, 

“That’s what Moms are for,” she whispered, running her fingers through his hair. He shut his eyes again, this time relaxing into the pillow and starting to drift off. Soon enough, he was asleep again, looking peaceful. She could see through his bruising, through the sadness, her best friend, and that was the man she wanted so badly to save. He meant the world to her, and she wished he never had to feel like this. He started whimpering though, not long after, and she hushed him, brushing her fingers through his hair some more, trying to comfort him and make him feel safe. He settled down for a little bit, but it only worked for so long, and soon he was shooting up, covered in sweat, tears filling his eyes. “Shh, Rafa, shh,” she murmured, but he was heaving. 

“No,” he whispered, “No.” He managed to sit up before he started throwing up all over the place, and Liv grabbed for a trashcan, managing to get it in his hands and avoid a huge mess. She could clean up whatever had already gotten on the floor. He couldn’t stop the heaving and he looked exhausted and pale once he’d finished. “I--” he had to stop talking and try to catch his breath, the wires making everything more difficult, “I-I want to get a shower,” he finally said softly. He probably felt disgusting. Being at the hospital and unable to shower when he wanted. He sat there miserably, trying to catch his breath, and Liv thought about how he was possibly going to get a shower by himself. 

“Do you think you can get in all alone?” she asked softly, and he almost dissolved into tears again. 

“I think so,” he managed to whisper. 

“Alright Rafa, come on, I’ll get you a towel,” she said. Rafael carefully got up to his feet, walking around the mess he’d made and following her to the bathroom. “Just give me a call if you need something,” she said softly, showing him how the shower worked, and he nodded, standing there awkwardly with the towel in his hands. He was very obviously avoiding the mirror. “It’s not that bad, I promise,” she whispered, “You still look like Rafael.”  

“Maybe a puffy version,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry you have to clean up after me. If you leave it, I can—I’ll take care of it,” 

“Don’t be silly, get in the shower, and then I’m going to head to the squad room, just to check up on the progress, and we’ll get everything sorted out for you today,” she said, closing the door on her way out.

Rafael climbed under the the water, letting it run over his skin, hissing when it hit a sore spot. He turned the heat up, trying to relax. His head was positively aching, feeling like someone was hitting him constantly. It felt nice to be able to scrub himself. He wanted to rid himself of Marc’s touch. Every brush of their skin, every kiss, he rubbed harder, tears mingling with the shower water. He didn’t understand why. What had he possibly done to deserve that? He should have known better. He should have never insisted on staying home alone. Now he was ruined. He shook as he sobbed, standing under the water and letting it fall over him. When he looked down, he saw handprints on his skin, patches of purpled bruising. His hips were marred with startling fingerprints, nail marks that drew blood. His arm was aching, the muscle feeling like it was going to tear as he tried to massage shampoo in his hair. His disgusting, grimy hair, but he couldn’t get his arm up that far. He tried bending his head, but that just made his headache worse. He stood there for a few moments, trying to avoid the inevitable, but finally he called for Liv. He was quiet at first, his voice soft and embarrassed, but somehow she heard him anyways. “Rafa,” she said gently, “You okay in there?” 

“I—I can’t wash my hair,” he whispered tearfully. 

“Okay, I can help if you want,” she offered softly. He sniffled for a few minutes. 

“Yes please,” he finally whispered. 

“Would you feel better if I handed you your underwear to put back on?” She asked, and he shut his eyes for a second, thankful that she was thinking more clearly than him. 

“Yes,” he murmured. He had to hold onto the wall while he stepped into them, pulling them up and standing there as they began to become soaked. Liv pulled the curtain back, coming closer to him. 

“I’m just gonna rub this shampoo in your hair,” she whispered, warning him before she touched him. He appreciated the thought as she rubbed the gel on her hands before massaging it through his hair until there were suds everywhere. He held still, her hands brushing through his locks and feeling heavenly. He sighed softly, leaning into the touch, and she increased the pressure, massaging his scalp in the process. She added more, ensuring his hair would be clean when they finished, and Rafael smiled happily as he rinsed it out. He stepped from the shower, dripping with water, and dropped his soaked boxers to the floor. He grimaced at his bruised groin, still purple from Marc’s repeated kicking. Liv held a towel up for him, and he dried off, carefully, patting over sore areas. Liv helped him back into his clothes, and then he was going back out into the living room. Everything from earlier was cleaned up, and he took a seat on the couch again. “Lucy is in the other room with Noah, and if you need anything, you just ask her. I’ll be back later today okay?” 

“Okay,” he whispered, wishing she would stay with him, but he wasn’t going to ask. 

“You have my number if you need it,” she said. He nodded again, trying to turn his attention to the tv so he wouldn’t have to focus on her leaving. He needed to be alright. He managed to space out, remembering college days of walking through Dudley Garden when he was finally free of the ugly place that had been his home, when he was first happy. He had worked so very hard to get where he was today, but once more he found himself beaten down. 

……………………………………

Liv had her list clutched in her hand, trying to keep a handle on herself. It broke her heart to see Rafael forced to ask her for help in the shower. He had obviously been embarrassed about it. He wasn’t fooling anyone when she left either, but she really did need to run these errands, and unless he asked her to stay, she was going to let him try to be on his own for awhile. She tried to remind herself that Noah and Lucy were there with him, and he would be fine, but after what had already happened, she didn’t trust anyone. Not after he’d been hurt so badly. As she pulled into the precinct, she sighed and got out of the car. Rushing into the building, she had to keep herself together for Rafael. The squad was seated at their desks, pictures of Rafael pinned up on the board, leads written down, and they were obviously all working very hard. “Liv,” Fin said, standing up from his desk, “How are you?” 

“Alright,” she said softly, running a harried hand through her locks. “Let’s uh, everyone in the conference room.” They looked at her, strangely for a second, but they stood up and followed into the little room, taking a seat around the table. “How’s everything going?” she asked softly. Carisi looked haunted, bags under his eyes like he wasn’t sleeping. Amanda just shook her head softly, and Fin was watching Liv carefully. 

“He’s disappeared without a trace. Rafael’s rape kit is still at the lab, but he was covered in DNA,” Carisi said softly, “He hasn’t used his card since he disappeared.” 

“Did Rafael check his wallet? Did Marc take any of his cards?” Fin asked. Liv wasn’t sure. Another thing to add to the list. 

“How are you all holding up?” she asked softly, “Rafael is one of our own, and I think we need to keep an open environment. We need to all keep a straight head during this investigation.” 

“I feel...I feel guilty,” Sonny whispered, his eyes down cast, “We messed up.” 

“Carisi and I should have been more careful when we were questioning him,” Amanda said, “We told him Barba was accusing him. He got mad.” 

“We should have known Rafael would need protection,” Sonny added. Liv felt the tears building up in her eyes. She knew how they felt, blaming themselves for what happened to him. 

“I should have insisted he take protection. That’s on me, not you guys,” Liv said softly. 

“Woah, woah, woah, you guys can’t be blaming yourselves like this,” Fin said, “It isn’t helping the investigation, and it sure as hell isn’t helping Barba. What we can do for him right now is find this guy.” 

“Fin is right,” Liv said softly, “We all may feel responsible, but we can’t take back what’s happened in the past.” Sonny was looking down at the table, tears dripping from his eyes, 

“You guys shoulda seen his face,” he whispered, wiping at them, “I’ve never seen Barba cry before.” Amanda looked away, tears shining in her own eyes, 

“How is he?” she asked softly. Liv shook her head with a sigh. 

“He’s a mess,” Liv whispered, “He can only eat liquids, he’s really badly bruised. I had to help him wash his hair this morning, and he’s terrified.” 

“He had a lot of head trauma,” Sonny said, “He was fuzzy about details when I spoke with him.” 

“Carisi, I’m gonna need you to help me pick up Barba’s clothes from his apartment, and I need to go shopping to get food he can eat,” she said, “If you guys come by, be gentle with him. He doesn’t need any more stress. He’s not sleeping well, he’s been very out of it, and he’s in a lot of pain. Talk softly and slowly with him, and definitely do not say anything about his face.” 

“We should-We should get him something nice to cheer him up,” Sonny said softly, 

“I’m sure he would appreciate that,” Liv said with a small smile, “What did CSU find in his apartment?” 

“A lot of blood, saliva and fluids on the carpet. Most of his things appear untouched. Unless Rafael has his watch somewhere else, that was taken, there was no wallet anywhere in the house,” Sonny said softly, “He broke the lock, Rafael was on the couch, and that’s when Marc attacked him.” 

“That fits his disclosure,” Liv said with a sigh. “I’ll see if I can get some details from him about Marc. Anything else he knows that might help us track him down.” 

“He seemed pretty out of it Liv,” Sonny said softly. “And Marc is gone in the wind.” 

“It’s worth asking him. I’m sure some of it is trauma,” Fin interjected. 

“Alright, I’ll talk to him, Carisi and Rollins, you will check his financials once I talk to him, see if there are any hits on his cards. Can you come to the store with me Carisi and to Barba’s apartment?” Liv asked. 

“Yeah, yeah, let me just grab my jacket,” he said, getting up and wiping his eyes. 

“I’m gonna go into my office quick and get a few things together,” Liv said softly. She went inside, looking for a few papers she wanted to take home. A soft knock on the door startled her, and she turned around, seeing Fin standing in her doorway, 

“Liv, can we talk a minute?” he asked softly, taking a step in, and she nodded. He shut the door, “How are you holding up with all this?” She didn’t turn to look at him, feeling her eyes stinging with tears. She wasn’t holding up well at all. “I know you care about Barba….a lot, but you can’t be putting all of this on yourself.” 

“I have to be there for him Fin,” she whispered, finally letting the tears flow. She turned around, and Fin pulled her into a hug. She started sobbing, and he held her close, “You should have seen him. He’s so hurt.” 

“I know he is Liv,” he whispered, shushing her and letting her cry it out. She was shaking, and sniffling. It hurt so bad to see someone she cared about in so much pain. Rafael had become her best friend almost seamlessly, and she knew he would be there for her if their positions were reversed. He practically had been after Lewis. He had ensured she would get justice after what happened to her, and she would do the same for him and more. “Babygirl, have you told Barba how you feel?” Fin asked softly. She looked at him, wiping the tears from her eyes. 

“I don’t want to put this on him too. Not my guilt,” she whispered. Something in his eyes made her believe he wasn’t just talking about those feelings though. 

“I haven’t seen you look at someone like you do at him for a long time Liv, and trust me, he’s looking right back,” Fin said softly, patting her back, “Call me if you need anything or Barba for that matter.” 

“Thank you Fin,” Liv whispered. She grabbed her things, heading out of the room, Carisi trailing behind her on the way to her car. 

………………………………………………

Rafael was startled from his thoughts by a little body catapulting itself onto the couch beside him. “Hi Uncle Rafa,” Noah said softly, and Rafael looked over to him, forcing a smile on his face.

“Hi Noah,” he said, trying not to scare or upset the little boy. Talking to anyone felt like too much, but he would try for Noah. 

“I’m sorry you got hurt Uncle Rafa. Mommy said you aren’t feeling well,” he said in an exaggerated whisper. 

“Thank you Noah, I really appreciate that,” he said with a smile. 

“What does a-appreciate mean?” Noah asked, and Rafael chuckled softly, 

“It means thank you for saying that, it was very nice,” he explained. Noah nodded, looking at the tv. Rafael wasn’t even really sure what was on. 

“Would a hug make you feel better?” Noah asked, and Rafael wasn’t really sure, but it didn’t sound awful. 

“Wouldn’t hurt to try,” Rafael replied, and Noah smiled, getting up on his knees and wrapping his little arms around his Uncle. Rafael felt warmth envelope him, the feeling of being loved overwhelming him. Noah hugged him tight, pressing his face against Rafael’s shirt, and Rafael leaned his face into Noah’s curls, feeling tears filling his eyes, but they weren’t bad tears. He felt relieved, relieved to feel okay for just a moment. “Thank you Noah,” he whispered. 

“You’re welcome Uncle Rafa,” Noah beamed, “Wanna come play legos with me in my room?” Rafael nodded.

“I’d like that very much Noah,” he whispered, getting up with a soft grunt and following him down the hall to his bedroom. Noah sat on the bed and waved Rafael over. He collapsed down with a sigh, leaning back against the headboard, and then Noah started explaining the game to him, handing him a character, and it was a little much for Rafael’s injured brain, but he did his best to keep up. 

……………………………..

Liv stood outside Rafael’s apartment, taking a deep breath. She wasn’t sure she was ready to go inside yet. “You good Lieu?” Sonny asked softly, a hand on her shoulder. 

“How bad is it Carisi?” she asked softly, and he sighed.

“They tore it up pretty good Lieu,” he said softly. Liv sighed, opening the door. Immediately she was hit with the smell of dried blood and chemicals. She took a step in, pulling down some crime scene tape and looking around. It looked homier than what she expected him to have, warm carpets and hardwood, a soft knit blanket thrown over the back of the couch, a few pictures that were on the mantle. A few on the floor, glass shattered, pillows and cushions everywhere. Pieces of his carpet were cut out, but the dark stains remained of his blood. Furniture was overturned, books on the floor. He had plenty of bookshelves, a flat screen, a few plants. All his pictures were from his graduation or law school. No friends to be seen, barely even a picture of his mother. She picked up the broken frame, cringing when she realized it was his grandmother. His open concept living room tied into the kitchen where everything had been rifled through and not put back in true CSU fashion. There was a pile of mail scattered on the floor, his wallet sitting on the counter, empty. Not even his driver’s license remained. She sighed, heading back to his bedroom. It was in disarray as well, personal items moved and scattered. His cufflinks were all over the place, a few books from his bedside table had fallen onto the floor. His bed had been wrecked, the sheets thrown all over the place, clothes from his closet and drawers piled on the floor. Liv shook her head.

“Don’t they know whose apartment this is?” she hissed, “They could have been more careful,” Sonny didn’t say anything. She knelt down, starting to go through his clothes, “Carisi, look in his closet for a bag,” she said. Sonny nodded, digging around before he found a small duffle bag, and Liv started opening his drawers. She found underwear, grabbing a good stack of that and placing them in the bag, and she found his casual shirts, tee shirts, a few sweaters, a polo here or there in case he wanted to go somewhere, a button down. Next came jeans, sweat pants, and shorts, his glasses from the top of his dresser, a few different pairs of shoes, books, his phone charger. As a last thought, she grabbed the blanket from the couch. “We’re going to have to clean this up for him,” she said softly, “He shouldn’t have to worry about that.” 

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” Sonny said softly, “We can get the whole squad down here maybe.” Liv zipped up the bag, carrying it out to the car. 

“Now we need to go to the store,” she said, “I need to get him some food.” 

………………………………….

When Liv walked in the door, Lucy was in the kitchen starting to make dinner. “Hey Lucy, where’s Noah?” she asked. 

“He and Rafael are in his bedroom,” she replied with a soft smile. Liv looked at her for a moment like she had three heads before heading back to the bedroom. Rafael had never been  _ bad _ with Noah per say, but he wasn’t the first on her list when it came to babysitter duty, mostly because he didn’t seem like he was really keen on caring for children, but she was seriously reconsidering her preconceived notions. He was grinning from ear to ear, playing legos with her son where they sat on the bed. 

“So what if I followed you into the forest?” Rafael’s voice was soft, and Liv didn’t want to interrupt just yet. 

“Noo Uncle Rafa,” Noah said emphatically, “You can’t go into the forest, you were cursed by the witch remember? You have to stay there.” 

“Oh-Oh right, my bad,” he said, bending his lego character’s legs so he could sit down, “In that case, I think I’m gonna be taking a nap.” Rafael started making exaggerated snoring noises, and Noah giggled loudly. Liv chose that moment to knock on the door, 

“Hi boys,” she said fondly, and Noah smiled.

“Mommy!” he yelled, standing up and running over for a hug. She hugged him, before sending him off to wash his hands. Rafael still sat on Noah’s bed, looking down at his hands. 

“I got your clothes,” she said, and he looked up with a sad smile on his face.

“Thank you,” he whispered. Liv took a few tentative steps into the room, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.

“You doing alright?” she asked softly. He shrugged. 

“Good as can be expected I guess,” he whispered. He sighed, his shoulders hunched, “Just tell it to me straight.” 

“Marc has disappeared,” she said, and he blanched, “I need to know anything he told you about himself,” Tears slipped down Rafael’s cheeks, and he sniffled, but he was thinking. 

“He-He told me he was a restaurant manager, but he had a lot of money,” Rafael said finally. Liv frowned. 

“How do you know he had a lot of money?” She asked, and he grimaced like he was trying to remember. She was patient with him, letting him try to work through his jumbled memories. He seemed frustrated though. “Rafa, it’s normal to be fuzzy on details after a trauma, try to think. Don’t get frustrated.” 

“I should--I should be able to remember this, it’s ridiculous,” he hissed, clenching his hands. He drew his knees up to his chest, pressing his face against his legs, “This is so--No--I know this.” 

“Okay, it’s alright,” Liv said softly, but he shook his head, 

“He took me to a restaurant, a fancy restaurant, but the name, it just keeps escaping me,” he said softly, He thought hard for another minute before his face lit up. “Per Se. He took me to Per Se, and I didn’t understand how he could possibly afford it, but he seemed to know them, and he told me that he had some sort of family money.” 

“Good, okay. We can look into that. I have a little bit of bad news for you and another question,” she said gently, and he nodded for her to continue. “I think Marc emptied out your wallet, but we can call and freeze all your cards.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair, “Do you have your watch?” His eyes widened, and he looked up at her.

“No,” he said, “Did he take that too?” She nodded, “I bought that once I got my first job. I was finally going somewhere.” 

“Alright, if you have a list of your cards, we can call them in,” she said, and he nodded.

“There should be one in my desk at the office,” he said, putting a hand on his head. “I-I can’t--this is all too much.” He stood up, starting to pace around. “Did he have to take everything from me?” 

“He doesn’t get to do that Rafael,” Liv whispered, standing up and following him. “Here, let’s go get something to eat.” He nodded miserably, following her from the room.

“Where am I gonna sleep tonight?” he asked softly, looking at her. 

“In my bed,” Liv replied, and he sighed dramatically, “Rafa, I told you not to worry about it.”

“Well then where are you going to sleep, and if you say the couch, I am going to walk right out of here,” he said, grabbing her arm. He looked distraught, and she wished he wouldn’t worry so much about everything. 

“Where would you like me to sleep then Rafael? And the bed is not an option,” she replied, “I want you to have your own space.” 

“You’re impossible,” he whispered, “Please let me buy you an air mattress or a futon then.” 

“If that would make you happy Rafael, be my guest,” she finally said, and Rafael smiled finally. 

“That would make me very happy,” he replied. Liv rolled her eyes, but she looked at him fondly, and he smiled slightly. 

“Are you up for some company tonight? Fin, Rollins, and Carisi wanted to drop by,” she asked, and Rafael didn’t answer at first, and she gave him time to think on it. If he didn’t want to, she certainly wasn’t going to make him. He took a seat at the table. “I thought soup might be nice for tonight,” she offered, and he nodded. 

“Sure, thank you,” he whispered. He was quiet again for a few moments before he finally answered. “I guess they could stop by. They all...know?” he asked. 

“They’re working the case Rafa, but don’t worry, we haven’t told anyone else. Well, I called McCoy of course, but that’s it,” she explained. 

“What did he say?” Rafael whispered. 

“You’re on leave. As long as you need, but at least until this case is over,” she explained. “He wanted me to let you know he’s sorry that happened to you, and if you need anything, give him a call. They’re willing to work with you,” Rafael sighed, wiping his face tiredly.

“I’m exhausted from thinking about all of this,” he said. Liv nodded. 

“How about you just take it easy tonight, I’ll let Carisi know they can come over, and I’ll have him pick up your credit card list,” she said, “And an air mattress.” He laughed softly at that. She made him chicken noodle soup that she put in the blender with some broth, and Rafael took it quietly, working on drinking it, but he was seeming to get more and more headaches at night, and she had to get him on the couch with a hot compress again to ease the pain. It took about a half hour before there was a knock on the door, and Liv let in the three detectives. “Rafael is in the living room on the couch. Don’t talk to loud or overwhelm him, he’s having a rough day.” 

“Um, we brought him like a get well package,” Sonny said softly, holding it up. 

“I’m sure he’ll love it,” Liv said smiling. She followed them into the living room where Rafael was laying on the couch, his eyes closed, groaning softly.

“Liv,” he called, his voice full of pain, “Can you get me some pain medicine, please. I feel awful.” 

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, heading to the kitchen. 

………………………………….

Rafael’s head felt like it was going to explode. He had to squeeze his eyes shut to try and get some respite from the pain. When he heard footsteps entering the room, he knew Liv was there and she would be able to help him. “Hey Rafael.” the soft voice startled him. He blinked a few times, trying to clear his vision before he saw Sonny, Amanda, and Fin standing in the room. He grunted, trying to sit up, but he was feeling really dizzy. Sonny was quickly by his side, easing him up to a sitting position. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, leaning heavily against the cushions. “Thank you guys for visiting me.” 

“Yeah, we just wanted to see how you were doing,” Amanda said softly, taking a seat on the other side of him. He smiled softly. His brain was feeling fuzzy, not latching onto what they were saying very well. 

“How’s your head?” Sonny asked softly, “You look like a real tough guy.” Rafael managed a small smile, but he couldn’t grasp the words he wanted to use. 

“Sorry,” He whispered, feeling fuzzy. He wanted to talk with them, to not look like he was brain dead, but he couldn’t think. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, tears starting to well up in his eyes. 

“Hey now,” Sonny said softly, “None of that.” 

“Yeah Barba, just take it easy,” Amanda said gently, “No need to get upset.” Fin had disappeared off into the kitchen after Liv. 

“I promise you we’re gonna find him,” Sonny said, looking straight at him, and Rafael felt more tears building up. Amanda bumped Sonny’s shoulder, glaring at him slightly. 

“Thank you,” Rafael managed to whisper, his tongue feeling thick, “Just--My head. Hard to think.” he whispered. 

“Yeah I bet,” Sonny said, “Is Liv feeding you well?” Rafael did smile a little at that. 

“Takin’ good care of me,” he breathed, “She’s….” He had to pause. “Nice.” Carisi laughed a little bit, and Rafael felt his face redden, but he was really struggling to carry on a coherent conversation. Thankfully Liv appeared with his medicine and he was table to take it. It was fast acting, easing the pain within fifteen minutes. Fin and Carisi brought him a basket of gifts, setting it on the coffee table.

“We got you some stuff, some for when you’re feeling better and some for now,” Carisi said, and Rafael carefully started going through his gifts, feeling touched that they got him anything. There were bags of gourmet coffee, coffee ice cream, a couple of new movies, a book, and there was a little wrapped box that he pulled out and he unwrapped it with clumsy fingers. His eyes filled with tears when he opened it, seeing a watch that was similar to his own. They had gotten him a watch. One to replace the one that was stolen from him. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “Thank you all. I really--I really appreciate this. More than you know.” 

“Of course Rafael,” Amanda said softly. Sonny was smiling at him and even Fin. Rafael felt, just for a second, like everything was going to be alright. Like everything could turn out alright. Liv sat down beside him after that, a hand on his leg.

“Do you need anything?” she asked softly, and he shook his head. 

“I thought maybe some coffee might help your headaches. You’re probably going through withdrawal,” Sonny said, only half teasing. Rafael laughed softly. The detective was probably right. 

“Maybe some of that can be your dessert Rafa,” Liv said, and he nodded. The Ambien would put him right to sleep anyways. They talked for awhile, and Rafael listened, mostly sitting back and taking in the conversation. He tried to keep up with what they were saying, but it was mostly just really nice to have people there with him, people who made him feel normal. Then Noah ran into the room, dressed in his pajamas. 

“Noah!” Sonny said and the little boy beamed. 

“Hi Uncle Sonny,” he said with a grin, running over and sitting with the detective. 

“I bet your Mom has been making you and Uncle Rafa plenty of milkshakes,” he said with a smile, but Noah shook his head, curls bouncing.

“No, but after I went to bed, Mommy and Uncle Rafa were wrestling on the couch,” he said, and Rafael felt his face growing warm. Sonny looked shocked for a second before he started laughing, and then everyone was laughing, but Rafael and Liv who sort of just looked at eachother. 

“That’s not exactly what--” 

“Oh don’t even try Liv,” Sonny said, almost doubled over. Rafael had to swoop in and fix this somehow. When he had been a little kid, he often learned the best way to get the upper hand was to turn the tables. If it didn’t bother him, or if he made it about Carisi, then maybe the attention would ease off of them. 

“What,” he said with a little smirk, jostling Sonny’s shoulder, “You jealous detective?” Sonny looked shocked at his response and Liv’s mouth was wide open before she smacked him lightly in the shoulder.

“Rafael Barba,” she hissed, and he laughed softly. 

“Don’t get shy now,  _ sweetheart _ ,” he teased, and Liv had to start laughing. It was nice. A little time away from tension where he could laugh freely and be with his friends. A little bit of time where he didn’t have to worry constantly. He knew he was safe. 

…………………

Liv was keeping an eye on Rafael as he sat on the couch, watching tv with Noah. She was making dinner, and contemplating how she was going to bring something up to Rafael. He had been practically comatose on the couch all day, obviously feeling down and depressed, and Lucy had told her he didn’t eat anything. He seemed to have perked up at least a little bit though since she got home, and he and Noah were sitting together. She didn’t want to upset him again. It was like walking on eggshells, trying to figure out what would upset Rafael and what he would be alright with. She made him a drink, and took it out to him while Noah’s spaghetti sauce warmed up. “Noah, sweetheart,” she said, “Why don’t you go wash your hands?” Noah nodded, heading to the bathroom. Rafael obviously hadn’t taken a shower, and he was still wearing his clothes from the day before. “Hey,” she said softly, “You feeling alright?” 

“Do I look alright?” he whispered miserably, and she sighed. 

“How’s your drink?” she asked instead of answering. Rafael kept his eyes on his feet.

“Good. Thank you,” he murmured. She put a hand on his shoulder. 

“I think you’d feel much better if you took a shower Rafa, maybe changed your clothes,” she said, and he shrugged. She rubbed a hand down his back, trying to soothe him. “I’ll help if you want,” she offered, and his face crumbled as he shook with sobs. 

“I’m pathetic,” he whispered, “What’s the point of any of this.” 

“No Rafa, don’t say that,” she said, rubbing his arm and trying to get him to calm down, but he was melting down. 

“I can’t do this Liv. I can’t,” he muttered, his head hung as he heaved in lungfuls of air, “He fucked me up so bad, I’m ruined.” 

“No you aren’t Rafa, you’re more than this,” she said, “I promise.” 

“Why can’t I stop thinking about it?” he squeezed his eyes closed, letting Liv pull him close. “I can’t breathe when I remember it. I can’t sleep. I don’t have any energy. I just want to die.” 

“Alright, come on, let’s get you in a bath. I really think you’d feel much better,” Liv finally said softly, getting him up to his feet. He just went silent, following her like a zombie to the bathroom, and he stood there awkwardly while she filled the tub. “Rafa, come here. “Rafael didn’t move. “Come on. It’ll feel good. I promise.” 

“Liv,” he whispered, “I-I--” Liv gave him a sharp look. She wasn’t upset with him, but it was glaringly obvious he needed some tough love, and she wasn’t going to let him neglect self care. 

“So help me Rafa, don’t make me put you in here myself,” she said sternly, and his eyes went wide. He started pulling off his socks, and she turned away to give him some privacy. He was muttering softly behind her, and she vaguely made out one thing he said.

“I’d like to see you try.” His voice was soft and grumpy, and she couldn’t help but laugh to herself. 

“What, you want to  _ wrestle _ again?” she teased, and she could practically feel him blushing. He let out a shocked little laugh, and it warmed her heart to hear. He needed to laugh. He needed to stop drowning in unnecessary guilt, but she wasn’t sure what to do about it. She couldn’t seem to shake it from him no matter how hard she tried. He sighed softly as he sunk down into the warm water, his head leaning back against the ceramic. Liv sat on the edge, and she wanted to put a hand on his shoulder, to tell him everything would be alright, but somehow she didn’t think he would believe her. “Hey,” she said softly. His eyes were stuck on the water, “Let’s just talk about something easy.” He looked up at that, waiting for her to go on. “What did you watch on tv?” 

He smiled slightly at that. “Food Network,” he whispered. He was quiet again for a couple minutes before he looked up at her, tears in his eyes. “I’m not trying to be difficult,” he whispered. “It’s not fair to you after you’ve basically started taking care of me daily, and I-I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m being such an awful guest. I just--I should go home.” 

“Rafael,” she whispered, “No, stop that.” He sniffled, wiping at his eyes, “Stop beating yourself up. You need to cut yourself some slack. I’m here for you.” 

“I’m sorry you have to see me like this,” he whispered, “I haven’t showered in like two days. That’s...just not me.” 

“What are friends for,” she said with a soft smile, patting his shoulder as she stood up. “Call me if you need anything.” He nodded, starting to scrub himself clean. He hated feeling so worthless, feeling like Liv was pitying him. He knew she’d probably be offended if he ever said that to her, but he also knew it was true. There was no other explanation he could think of, and he wanted to be better so she didn’t have to pity him, but all he seemed capable of recently was wallowing in his own misery. All day, he couldn’t bring himself to even get up. There wasn’t a point. He scrubbed himself some more, and everytime he felt like maybe he could stop, he would think about Marc’s hands on him again, and he scrubbed harder. He didn’t stop until he noticed the water was turning pink. It took him a minute to realize he was bleeding, and it wasn’t bad, but he was bleeding. He sighed, hating that he couldn’t do anything right. He barely noticed the sting of broken skin. The rest of his body was covered in bruises anyways. He rubbed some shampoo into his hair with his one good arm, unable to work up the nerve to ask Liv for help again. He sunk down into the water, soaking his hair, and trying to work the grease and suds out. He carefully climbed out of the water when he felt as clean as he was going to get, and he dried off carefully, wrapping up in the towel before going to his duffle bag. He pulled on a clean pair of boxers and a tee shirt, feeling like a deadbeat because he didn’t have enough motivation to put on pants. He felt broken. 

Collapsing back down onto the couch, Rafael did feel a little better now that he was clean and in new clothes. He turned his attention to the tv which was now playing some of Noah’s cartoons. Noah and Liv were eating at the bar, and Rafael just sat quietly on his own, toying with the blanket his grandmother knit him. He was glad Liv had grabbed it from his apartment. It was comforting to wrap it around himself, smell the faint scent of his cologne. He used it a lot. It smelled like his home. He remembered being ten years old, so grateful for a weekend with Abuelita where he was away from his bickering parents who didn’t love him. At least his father definitely didn’t. He used every excuse to beat the shit out of Rafael, and his mother pretended it wasn’t happening. If she did acknowledge anything, it was to tell him that he was instigating his father and he needed to cut it out. He had tried to come to terms with that part of his life, but sometimes it still hurt, especially now when he was already down. He hung his head, trying to fight the tears, but he was so miserable. He felt like his whole life was falling apart. “Hey.” Liv’s voice was soft as she sat down next to him. “You wanna come out and sit with me and Noah?” He shrugged, not meeting her eyes. “Here, I’ll make you a milkshake, and you can come and sit with us for a bit.” 

“I just--I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Stop apologizing,” she said gently, “You and I have something we need to talk about in a bit, probably when Noah goes to bed.” He looked at her wide eyed. She was gonna kick him out. He didn’t really blame her, but he didn’t know where he was possibly going to go. He couldn’t go back to his own apartment. “Here, come here,” she whispered. He stayed there stiffly, trying to be okay, to not need coddling, but in the end, a hug sounded too good to pass up. Especially one from Liv. He let her pull him close, and he pressed his face against her shirt, tears escaping. “It’s going to get better. I promise,” she whispered, and he tried to believe that. Her arms felt so good around him, so right, and he wanted to stay there forever, but then she was pulling away. He was hit by reality. She didn’t love him. He sighed softly, wiping his eyes before following behind her towards the table, “You want that milkshake?” she asked softly, and he finally nodded. 

“Thank you,” he murmured, and she brought him his pills to take. He sat there quietly as they ate, and Liv tried to pull him into conversation, but it was unsuccessful until Noah frowned at him.

“Uncle Rafa, are you okay?” he asked softly, and Rafael stared at the table. “Do you want Eddie?” He looked up at that. 

“I’ll be okay Noah, but thank you,” he whispered. 

“Are you sure? Eddie makes me feel better,” Noah said with a big smile, and Rafael couldn’t help but smile a little himself. “Just for tonight, you could try.” 

“Okay Noah, sure,” he finally relented and Noah ran off to get the stuffed elephant for him. 

“You know, he doesn’t just let anyone borrow Eddie,” she said softly, and Rafael smiled a little bit. Noah handed him the stuffed animal and he took it, holding it close and thanking the little boy as he drank his coffee milkshake. 

“Uncle Rafa, can I have a sip?” Noah asked, creeping closer, and Rafael looked over to Liv. He didn’t want to step on her toes or anything. She nodded slightly, and Rafael smiled, beckinging Noah over. He shot out of his chair, climbing into Rafael’s lap which caused the lawyer to hiss in pain. 

“Careful Noah,” Liv admonished. 

“Sorry Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered. 

“It’s okay buddy, no problem,” he held the milkshake out, so Noah could sip at it, and he made a face. Rafael laughed softly, looking over to Liv. “You don’t like the coffee probably,” Rafael whispered. Noah shrugged and got down. 

“Mommy, can we watch a movie?” he asked, and Liv sighed. 

“Sure Noah, but first, I need you to go get your pajamas on and brush your teeth. You wait in your room for me. I have to talk to Uncle Rafa really quick,” she told him. Rafael eyed Liv carefully. He didn’t know what she could possibly want to talk with him about. 

“Spill,” he whispered, and Liv pulled a chair up closer to him. 

“Your story is gonna hit the press Rafael,” she said softly. He swallowed, averting his eyes, “Tomorrow, someone is going to have to ask for a continuance on the Louis case, and then the DAs office will have to release a statement.” 

“Well if it’s all decided then why are you bothering to tell me this,” he whispered bitterly. 

“I know this is tough,” Liv said softly, but he was shutting down. “Rafa, you’ve gotta look at me,” she said softly. He hesitantly looked up, meeting her eyes with watery green ones. “I’m telling you this because you need to think about if there is anyone you’d like to tell before it’s all over the news….” she trailed off, hoping he would understand where she was going, but he just shook his head. “Rafa,” she said, “What about your Mom?” 

“Absolutely not,” he said immediately, “I can’t do that.” 

“Rafael, do you want your own mother to hear you were assaulted on the news?” she asked, “I’m not going to tell you what to do, but you really need to think about this before you make a decision.” 

“Liv, you don’t know my mom, she is not going to react well,” he said, “She’s--I honestly don’t know what word to use to describe her,” he let out a bitter little laugh. 

“Wouldn’t she react worse if she didn’t hear it from you?” she asked, and he looked away again, tears escaping this time. Just a few though, and he swiped at them. 

“You’re probably right,” he whispered. 

“She can come over here if you want, and I’ll stay with you. You don’t have to be alone,” Liv said, and Rafael nodded softly, wiping at more tears. 

“I hate this,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands. Liv rubbed his back gently, trying to calm him down. 

“I know, but you’re gonna get through it, and you’ll be okay. I promise,” she whispered. Rafael nodded. He had to believe her, or he might as well throw himself off a bridge. He wiped his eyes again before taking a sip of his drink and trying to calm himself down. He could do this. Maybe she wouldn’t react as badly as he thought. 

When Noah came back out, he dragged Rafael to the couch, sitting right next to him and cuddling. Rafael still had Eddie in his arms. They were watching Noah’s choice which happened to be Finding Nemo. Rafael found the mindless entertainment helpful as he sat there with Noah falling asleep on top of him. He gently stroked a hand over Noah’s hair, and the little boy hummed softly, still sort of awake. “Uncle Rafa?” his voice was soft, and Rafael smiled. 

“Hmm Noah,” he whispered. 

“Love you,” he mumbled. Rafael chuckled, smiling at Liv who was going to do the dishes in the kitchen. 

“I love you too hombrecito,” he murmured. Rafael rubbed Noah’s back. 

“Uncle Rafa?” his soft voice made something in Rafael feel warm. Noah just loved him without question and without judgement. 

“Yes?” he asked softly, and Noah rolled over, looking up at Rafael with sleepy eyes.

“Stay with us forever?” he asked, and Rafael wished he could. 

“I’ll always be here for you Noah, no matter what,” he murmured, avoiding the question. He couldn’t promise Noah he’d be with him forever, but he could promise he’d love him. That was a promise he knew he wouldn’t break, “And I’ll always love you.” Noah sleepily burrowed further into Rafael’s lap, shutting his eyes and finally falling asleep. Rafael was content to stay there like that all night. 

As Liv did the dishes, she watched Rafael talk softly to her son, and she smiled at them. She hadn’t expected the two of them to grow so close so quickly. Noah had always loved his Uncle Rafa, but Rafael was never around him for extended periods of time. She wasn’t entirely sure how he’d do with Noah on a regular basis. He was exceeding her expectations to say the least. She dried her hands, prepared to go and take her son off of Rafael’s but she found them both asleep on the couch, cuddled up together. It warmed her heart. She gently shook Rafael’s shoulder, hating to wake him up, but knowing he needed to take some medicine and get in bed. He blinked a few times, yawning as he pushed through the fog of sleep. “Hey,” she said softly, “You fell asleep. You need to get in bed.” 

“Mmm, okay,” he mumbled, “But um, let me get Noah in bed.” 

“No, no, I’ve got him,” Liv said softly, and he shook his head at her. 

“Nope, I insist, I’ve got him,” he replied, gathering Noah up in his arms carefully. The five year old wrapped his arms around Rafael’s neck, head lolling onto the lawyer’s shoulder. Rafael carefully took a step, the weight in his arms making him feel slightly unsteady. He walked towards Noah’s room, Liv following close behind. She watched as her best friend carried Noah into his room and gently tucked him into bed, leaning down and pressing his lips to Noah’s forehead. “He makes me smile,” he whispered. 

“Me too Rafa,” Liv murmured, a hand on Rafael’s shoulder as he sat on the edge of the bed.   
“I’m lucky to have you two,” Rafael whispered. 

……………………………………….

Rafael was sitting at the table, toying with the sleeve of his oversized olive sweater. His hair was still damp from the shower, curling around his ears just slightly. He hadn’t cut it in a few weeks. In fact, he had been due for a haircut right around when Marc attacked him. He had stubble across his jaw. He hadn’t felt capable of shaving that morning, his hands shaking far too much. His mother was due to arrive in five minutes. He had five minutes to get himself together for this. “Rafa, have you eaten?” Liv called from the other room. He was tempted to lie to her because he was definitely not hungry, but he couldn’t lie to Liv. 

“No,” he said, and she poked her head in the room.

“You want a fruit smoothie?” she asked, and he shrugged, “You should eat something.” 

“Maybe later,” he whispered. 

“You okay?” she asked softly, “I know you’re nervous about telling your Mom, but I’m gonna be right here with you.” 

“I just--she’s going to be really upset,” he said, dropping his head into his hands. 

“That’s a normal reaction Rafa,” she replied, and he was about to respond, but there was a knock on the door. He took a calming breath as Liv went to answer. Well, he tried to. Instead, he ended up chewing on a fingernail nervously, and he cursed softly. He hadn’t bitten his nails since law school. It looked tacky to have uneven, rough nails, and he never looked tacky for court. The moment his mother walked into the room, he felt like he was going to throw up. She smiled warmly at him which he immediately resented. It was because Liv was there, putting on a show like they were the perfect little family. It was fake. It seemed that she took a closer look at him then, noticing the stark bruising on his skin, the swelling around his jaw, and she frowned.

“Rafael, what trouble have you gotten yourself into now?” She asked, coming closer and grabbing his face so she could take a closer look, “You’re obviously not taking care of yourself mijo, and what am I doing here? Why aren’t we at your apartment? You pay enough money for it.” Rafael flinched almost immediately. 

“Mami,” He whispered, “You know Lieutenant Benson.” His mother smiled at Liv, 

“Of course darling,” she replied. 

“Please take a seat, I need to talk to you about a few things,” Rafael whispered. Liv was watching him carefully, and he tried to keep a straight face, to not show how much her words always affected him. He couldn’t help but want his mother’s approval even though he knew he’d probably never get it. It still hurt every time she dug at him. Rafael was about to begin talking when Noah burst into the room, and Liv looked alarmed. 

“Uncle Rafa!!” He exclaimed, running over to Rafael’s side, “You left Eddie on the couch. I thought you might want him,” Noah said. Rafael smiled at him, taking the stuffed elephant. 

“Thank you very much hombrecito, I really appreciate it,” he said gently. Lucy came in a moment later, shooting them both an apologetic look. 

“Who is this big strong man?” Lucia asked, and Rafael stiffened, putting an arm around Noah. 

“I’m Noah,” the little boy beamed. 

“Liv’s son,” Rafael said, “Noah, how about you and Lucy go on into your room for awhile. I’ll come play with you later.” 

“Okay Uncle Rafa,” he said, running off again. 

“It’s a wonderful thing to have children,” Lucia said softly, “It’s a real shame you’ve put your job before family Rafael.” She looked pointedly at him, and he felt his face growing warm. 

“Mom,” he said, sighing, “Please, you can lecture me on how much of a failure I am some other time. I have to talk to you about something.” She took a seat, leveling him with a glare for being rude. He shifted around uncomfortably in his seat, crossing his arms and toying with the sleeve of his sweater once more. He felt white hot panic building up inside of him as he thought about telling her. She was going to tear him apart. Suddenly the table was very interesting: the swirls in the wood, the deep brown color, and he couldn’t help but trace some of it with his finger.

“Rafi--”

“Don’t call me that,” he whispered. He hated it when she called him that. It wasn’t the nickname itself, actually, he didn’t really mind that part at all, but it implied some sense of closeness they just didn’t have. It was another aspect of her fake, idealistic view of him and their dysfunctional family, and he was sick of the lies. Things had deteriorated between them since his grandmother’s death, not that they were great in the first place. He had tried so hard to forgive her, to rekindle their relationship, but she constantly was picking at his life and telling him what he was doing wrong, and usually he could take it. Usually, he would try to take it for the sake of their relationship, but now, when he was so vulnerable, he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t pretend. “Mom,” he whispered, tears filling his eyes. “I wanted you to hear this from me before it’s on the news.” He reached up and wiped at his eyes. “I was assaulted,” he whispered, and his voice broke. She was quiet for a moment, so he continued. “In my apartment, and the man broke my jaw. I’ve been staying with Olivia since.” 

“Why would a random man just break into your apartment Rafael?” she asked, and he flinched, clenching his hands. “Were you dating him!?” she asked angrily and he felt his face heating up, the tears streaming down his cheeks. It was enough of an answer for her. “Dios Mio Rafael, this is what I’ve been trying to tell you for years. I  _ told  _ you that dating men was such a horrible idea, why can’t you just be normal, get married to a nice girl and give me grandchildren for goodness sake. You were asking for something like this to happen.” He couldn’t stop the sob that broke out of his throat. “I’ve been telling you this since you had to break my heart and tell me you’re bisexual. It’s perverted Rafael. What did you do anyways, you had to have provoked it somehow.” Rafael sucked in a shuddering breath, unable to even answer. He was crying so hard he couldn’t breathe. He knew this was going to happen, and he knew she was right. It was all his own fault. 

“That is more than enough,” Liv’s voice was low and dangerous, and Rafael felt even more embarrassed that she had to see this. 

“Don’t tell me how to handle my own son,” Lucia said lowly, and Rafael saw Liv stand up.

“Don’t speak to my best friend like that in my home. Get out,” Liv said, and Lucia stood as well, staring the Lieutenant down. “It’s disgusting that you can’t find it in yourself to support your son during a really trying time in his life. Gay, Bisexual, or Straight, Rafael was no more likely to be assaulted, and telling him that it was his own fault is the most detrimental thing you possibly could have said. If you can’t be supportive of him, you have no place here. Get out.” Rafael didn’t see if she left or not, but then there were arms wrapping around his neck, and he let his head fall into his arms on the table. He just sobbed. He wasn’t even sure how long he was crying, but he couldn’t stop. “Rafael, listen to me.” Liv’s voice was gentle. “I’m so sorry I told you to do that. She’s wrong. So wrong.” 

“It’s my fault,” he mumbled, body shaking, and she hushed him.

“No it isn’t. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual. You know that. I know you do,” she told him. “And Marc might have attacked you anyways. If he wanted you bad enough, he would have found a way. Even if you weren’t dating. It’s not your fault. I promise.” He wanted to believe what she was saying, but he just felt so worthless. Liv pulled at his shoulders gently. “Here, come on, let’s get you laying down for a little bit,” she suggested. He didn’t have any fight left in him. He stood, letting her guide him back to the bedroom. As he laid down, and Liv sat beside him, she rubbed his back and whispered softly to him. “There’s nothing wrong with you,” she murmured, and that was the last thing he heard before he drifted off to sleep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael’s head hurt. That was the first thing he noticed as he blinked, light shining in his face. “Noah?” Liv’s voice pulled him even further from the darkness. Rafael felt like he was in a fog, blinking once more as he slowly sat up. He jumped when he saw Noah standing at the door, finger on the light switch. That explained the brightness. He leaned on his hand, feeling exhausted, mentally, emotionally, and physically. The memory of his mother’s visit hit him like a freight train, filling him with shame and embarrassment. He wished Liv hadn’t seen that. Tears were filling his eyes once more, and he swiped at them, sniffling softly. 

“Uncle Rafa, don’t cry,” Noah said softly, coming closer, “Why was that mean lady here earlier?” Rafael couldn’t help but laugh a little bit. Noah climbed up beside him on the bed, smiling and wrapping an arm around Rafael. 

“That was my Mom Noah,” he said softly, “She was just upset with me.” 

“Why would she be mad at you Uncle Rafa?” the little boy asked. “You’re the best. I don’t think I could ever be mad at you.” Rafael let out a little laugh again, sniffling just slightly, 

“You’d be surprised Noah, but I really do appreciate that. It means a lot,” he said, wrapping an arm around Noah. 

“Mommy said she didn’t know what she was talking about, and that you d-des…” Noah trailed off for a second, but Rafael didn’t step in and help. He let Noah think about it, “D-deserve better. I think you deserve better too.” Rafael smiled, pulling the boy close, and pressing his face against those little curls. 

“Thank you Noah,” he whispered, pressing his lips to the top of Noah’s head, “Thank 

you.” Noah squirmed a little, so Rafael let him go, but he immediately grabbed for the lawyer’s hand, 

“Come on Uncle Rafa, Mommy says you have to eat dinner,” he said, and Rafael sighed, letting Noah drag him to the table. He took a seat, still feeling a bit fuzzy. Liv came in the room, seeing Noah, 

“There you are sweet boy, go wash your hands,” she said softly, and when Noah left, she turned to him, “Hey Rafa, how you feeling?” He shrugged, refusing to look at her, “You best believe we’ll be talking about what happened earlier.” He sighed softly, knowing there was no way she’d let him out of it. He stared down at his hands again, dreading the conversation that was to come later. He didn’t want to talk about his mother and especially not his turbulent childhood. It wasn’t something he wanted to bother Liv with. She didn’t need to be worrying about him anymore than she already was. Noah returned then, smiling as he climbed up in a chair beside Rafael. Liv brought Rafael a fruit smoothie like she had offered earlier, and he thanked her softly, sipping at it. It was the first thing he’d eaten all day. She also brought him his medicine to take, and he sighed softly. He was starting to get a headache from everything. He wasn’t sure if it was the stress or his facial muscles spasming again, but either way, he felt terrible. 

“I’m gonna lay down for a bit,” he said softly, and Liv looked at him worriedly, 

“Do you want some hot cloths?” she asked, and he nodded. He slowly made his way back to the bedroom, laying down again and sipping his drink. Liv helped him put the hot cloths on his face, and it soothed some of the pain. He rested like that for a while, managing to finish his smoothie. He felt exhausted. He just wanted to go to sleep. Instead he got up, stumbling out to the kitchen for a glass of water and to find Liv. He heard her voice from down the hall, so he followed it, seeing her in the bedroom with Noah, reading him a book. He didn’t want to intrude. He watched for a few minutes, wishing he had a childhood half as happy. Instead he had spent long nights, hiding in his closet as his parents fought, praying his father wouldn’t shove him down a flight of stairs for looking at him the wrong way. It had kind of messed him up, his trust issues stemming from his parents. He had tried relationships in college, none of which worked out, and it was around then that he told his mother he was bisexual. She had told him he was going straight to hell and hadn’t spoken to him for years because of it. He focused on his job, never had many friends, and basically spent most of his time at work which was fine until times like now when he had no one. He was so alone. He didn’t have a family or really many friends. He found himself sinking to the ground, his back pressed up against the wall beside Noah’s door. He had thought, maybe, when he met Liv, that he had another chance, but she had made it glaringly clear that she didn’t love him. No one did. As he sat outside Noah’s room, he listened to them laughing, and he was jealous. He wanted to be a part of it, and he hated himself for it. He hated himself for once again making everything about his feelings like a small child. He felt hot tears escaping his eyes, rolling down his cheeks and he angrily tried to brush them away, but they just kept flowing, making him feel even more pathetic. He heard them starting to finish up, so he carefully got up to his feet, walking back to Liv’s bedroom and laying down once more. He wanted to stop crying. He wanted to stop feeling so pathetic. All he could do was pick up a pillow and hug it to him as he shook with sobs. A knock on the door startled him, “Rafa?” her voice was soft, and he wanted to answer, but he was still overcome by tears. He swallowed, trying to keep his voice steady, “Hey, are you in pain again?” she asked, and he shook his head, 

“No, I’m just….I’m upset,” he whispered. Liv took a seat on the bed, looking down at him, 

“I think it would help if you talk about it,” she said softly. He didn’t answer, instead keeping his eyes on ceiling, the white paint consuming his attention. “I’m sorry about what happened earlier.” 

“It’s not your fault,” he whispered, “It’s mine.” 

“Don’t you dare say that again,” Liv told him, and he shut his eyes. She put a hand on his arm, but he just shrugged her off, crossing his arms, “Rafael, come on.” 

“Why do you even care?” he asked softly, “It doesn’t really matter. I told her. It’s over.” 

“And she attacked you,” Liv said, “Is there a reason that happened?” He didn’t answer, staring at the ceiling. He wiped at his eyes again. “Rafael, if something’s going on, it will help if you talk about it.” He toyed with his sweater, refusing to answer, “Stop acting like you’re four.” 

“Stop pretending you care,” he shot back. For a second she was silent, and he thought he had really screwed up bad, “I-I’m sorry--” 

“I do care Rafa. I promise. Why would you say that?” she said, sounding slightly hurt. A few more tears made their way down his cheeks, 

“Because my mother didn’t care when my father used me as a punching bag,” his voice was harsh and then the room was dead silent. He swiped at his face, sure she knew that it was all his fault. She probably thought he was problematic. Unlovable. Saw him like everyone else apparently did. There had to be something seriously wrong with him. 

“She what?” Liv’s voice sounded angry, and he was startled by the bite in it, “Rafa,” now her voice was calmer, and her hand groped around for his, slotting their fingers together, “You’re gonna have to elaborate a little bit, please,” 

“My Dad was an angry, old, abusive drunk, and he took every chance he had to beat the shit out of me. He shoved me down the stairs, he hit me, broke bones. She knew. She never did a thing to help,” he whispered. Liv’s hand tightened around his, and for a second, he thought that maybe she might actually care. Maybe he did matter. “She told me to stop misbehaving. She told me I was asking for it. That there was something wrong with me.” Liv was quiet again for a few minutes before he felt her pulling at him, pulling him up into a hug, and he clung to her. 

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you Rafa. Nothing. There’s something seriously wrong with her though. She’s a sorry excuse for a mother, and you deserved so, so much better. You deserved someone who loved you and took care of you,” she told him softly. He pressed his face against her shirt, “I care about you Rafael. I promise. I care. If it was up to me, both your parents would rot in jail for what they did to you.” 

“I guess--It’s why I hate feeling vulnerable. I couldn’t do anything to stop him, and I never want to put myself in that situation,” he whispered, “I hate that feeling, and Marc forced me to--he just had to do that to me.” 

“I know,” Liv whispered, running her hand through his hair as he was sobbing and pressing his face against her shirt. “Has she always been so against your sexuality?” she asked, and his breaths hitched. 

“I told her when I was in college. I met a couple guys, and I realized that I was attracted to both guys and girls, and I was scared, but….I was okay with it. I came home on winter break, and she asked me if I was seeing anyone, and I--I told her. She told me I was going to hell,” he whispered, hiccuping, “She stopped talking to me. I was alone, at college, scared, and I didn’t know if there was something wrong with me then.” 

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” she promised, “Love is love, and no one has the right to try and tell you what to do. Your bisexuality doesn’t change you as a person. It doesn’t change how I feel about you personally or professionally. You’re just Rafa.” 

“What about Uncle Rafa?” he whispered, and Liv laughed, 

“Uncle Rafa too,” she agreed. She just held him close for a few minutes, her muscles tense. He knew she was mad, “You matter Rafael. I care about you.” Everytime she said it, it made him emotional. He didn’t feel so alone, “And Noah cares about you.” 

“I should have never trusted Marc. I shouldn’t have put myself in that situation,” he whispered. 

“No, Rafael, you couldn’t have known. From what you’ve said, he’s charming, personable. It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s some sort of psychopath. He knew exactly what he was doing,” she replied. 

“And I fell for it,” he said, shutting his eyes. Liv rubbed his back softly, holding him close, 

“I know this is tough, but you shouldn’t listen to your mother,” she told him, “None of that was your fault. I promise.” He nodded softly, trying to believe her, “Alright, I’ll let you get some sleep.” She started to stand up, but he quickly grabbed her, 

“No, please, no,” he begged, “Please stay. I--I just can’t right now.” She sighed, shifting around so she could hold him more comfortably. 

“Alright Rafa,” she whispered, rocking him gently, comforting him. He felt warmth with Liv’s arms around him, holding him close. She made him feel like he was worth something, but it still hurt. It hurt to know he could never have her. She would never love him the same way he felt about her. He was selfish though. He knew he should pull away, he knew he shouldn’t revel in such an innocent gesture, but he selfishly cuddled up in her arms and let himself pretend. For one night, he would let himself go. 

…………………………………..

Liv held her best friend in her arms, pressing her face against his hair as he slept. His teary voice haunted her, broke her heart. The story about his childhood made her furious. If it was up to her, she would tell his mother how it was. What kind of parent thought it was okay to tell her child that he deserved to be beaten? How could she hate him for something as trivial as his sexuality? She knew that people thought like that, but it boggled her. Noah was her whole life, and she would never stop loving him no matter what. She wished Rafael had that. The way he spoke, he sounded so lonely, and suddenly the lack of pictures in his apartment made some sort of sense. All he had were pictures of his graduations, what he was proud of, and of his grandmother. She tightened her arms around him protectively. She wanted to protect him, to keep him from any further harm. He was so fragile, not himself. He was curled up on his side, his eyes shut, his bruised face relaxed. He had an arm thrown over her stomach, preventing her from leaving. She stroked her fingers through his hair, sighing contentedly. Somehow it just felt right, lying there with him. Being there for him. As she felt him start to tremble in his sleep, no doubt beginning to experience a nightmare, her anger flared. Anger at his mother, at his father, at the cruel world for beating him down again. Anger at Marc. Rafael began to mumble, “No, it’s alright,” she murmured, trying to soothe his fears, to rock him back to sleep. He was shaking, starting to grow more and more restless, but Liv managed to calm him down before he woke himself up fully. He needed to sleep. She would stay up all night if she had to. 

………………………………………….

Early in the morning, Liv texted Fin that she wasn’t going to be in, and called off. Rafael needed her more than the squad did at the moment. Rafael was still asleep, in the bedroom, and she was up, sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, thinking. She wanted to make him feel better somehow. She felt guilty for causing the incident the day before. Rafael had obviously been hesitant to tell his Mom, and he had been trying to tell her earlier that he wasn’t sure about it, but she hadn’t listened to him. She had pushed him, and in some ways, she had played a hand in breaking him. It didn’t take a genius to see how deeply his mother’s words had cut, how much damage they inflicted. She was grappling with other thoughts, thoughts of Rafael’s smiles. She missed them. The warm teasing look in his eyes, the slight curl of his lips. Those eyes, a warm green color, like an emerald. She could get lost in them forever--where had that come from? She blinked, telling herself it was all the emotions from recently. She was conflating, and it was certainly not something he needed at the moment. She tiredly stood up, making her way back towards Noah’s room. He needed to get ready for school. She was standing outside of his door when Rafael emerged from the bedroom, rubbing his eyes blearily, “Hi,” he whispered. 

“Hi,” she replied, smiling at him. He smiled back. It didn’t reach his eyes. It took her a moment too long to realize she was staring. She shook herself from the trance, turning back to the door.

“You look tired,” he whispered, and she willed herself to look at him normally. 

“I’m alright,” she tried to argue, but Rafael was insistent, 

“Let me help him. It’ll only take a half hour,” he cut her off. He jerked his head sideways, running fingers through his hair self consciously. He looked scruffy, a heavy dusting of stubble on his jaw, and his hair was tousled. He looked domestic. So far from the slick, sharp, clean shaved man she knew. Seeing him in such a state would almost be attractive if she didn’t know how emotionally crippled he was at the moment. “Go sit down.” Liv finally moved aside, watching as he entered the room. He gently woke Noah who grinned at seeing his Uncle Rafa. Liv couldn’t help but smile when Noah appeared, looking sharper than usual, dressed in a polo and khaki shorts. Rafael looked proud as he parted Noah’s curls, and she didn’t miss when he snuck a little bit of product into her son’s hair. Rafael poured Noah’s cereal and shockingly Noah didn’t try to con his Uncle into letting him just have the marshmallows. Rafael even made sure Noah brushed his teeth for two whole minutes before handing him over to Lucy who would walk him to school. Liv hugged Noah goodbye and leaned against the wall, a smile playing on her lips as she saw Rafael kneel down, “Adios hombrecito, have a good day,” he murmured, and Noah threw his arms around Rafael’s neck, 

“Bye Uncle Rafa,” Noah replied, “Thanks for helping me,” 

“Mhmm, just remember, smile and those apple slices I packed for you. She’ll never see you coming,” Rafael winked at him, and Noah giggled before heading out the door. Liv was tempted to ask, but she had more important things to talk with him about. That was readily apparent as he began to clam up, the glazed, absent look returning to his eyes. He was staring off into space. 

“Rafael,” her voice was soft, and suddenly those green emeralds were gazing into her own eyes once more. They were dulled, not as lively as she was used to, or maybe they lost their spark. Either way, they were changed, and she didn’t like it. 

“Liv?” his voice brought her back to current time, startling her. Had she just zoned out staring at his eyes? She really needed coffee. Rafael broke their eye contact, now gazing at the table, “He’s getting so big,” his voice was low, soft, on the verge of breaking, and she hated that it wasn’t the strong, confident voice she was so used to, “You know, I remember when he was just a baby.” 

“Yeah, you didn’t seem to like him so much then,” Liv teased, and Rafael smiled slightly, his hands twitching on the table. Rafael didn’t twitch. 

“Babies are just….intimidating,” he whispered, “I never...I never imagined myself having kids.” She frowned, but when he continued, she felt the burn of tears in her eyes, “I always thought I’d just mess them up.” It was silent for a few moments before Liv trusted her own voice enough to speak, 

“You seem to be doing just fine with Noah,” she said, and his eyes met hers for a moment, something unreadable flickering across his gaze before he went neutral again. 

“I’m not his Dad. I just get to be fun Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, and Liv avoided mentioning that he did things that a Dad might. Rafael was more of a father than anyone else in Noah’s life, especially recently. Rafael was doing a lot more than “fun Uncle” anything. 

“How do you feel?” she asked softly, “After yesterday?” He smiled wryly at the table, scratching at a stain. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, and his eyes fluttered shut, “I don’t want you feeling bad about that. It’s just...it’s how my mother is.” 

“It’s awful,” Liv exclaimed before controlling herself. Rafael smiled a little more, which warmed her heart, “It’s not fair to you Rafael. None of that was fair.” 

“I’ve never taken you as someone who believed life was some balanced, mystical universe,” he teased, and she laughed softly, glad to hear him resemble the Rafael she knew. “All my life, it’s been this way. I’m used to it,” he was trying to convince her it didn’t hurt, but he was failing miserably. She could read him like a book. His usually guarded eyes had been so expressive recently, and even when he managed to control his facial expressions, his eyes told the whole story. 

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” she whispered, “When I was a teenager….when I was a teenager, my mother was an alcoholic.” Rafael looked up from the table, shocked to hear her being so open with him. Liv knew she was guarded. That was one of the many reasons why her relationship with Brian had fallen to pieces. She didn’t like to overshare or really share much at all, “And every time she would come home drunk after she _ promised  _ me she would stop, it would break my heart a little more. I was used to it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt,” She looked up and saw tears in Rafael’s eyes. 

“I-I” he stopped for a moment, looking away, “I am very sorry you had to deal with that,” he managed to whisper. She covered his shaking hand with her own, “I am very sorry.” 

“It’s okay to say she hurt you Rafa,” Liv whispered. He looked to her, eyes now over run with tears. He wiped at them though, keeping himself fairly calm, 

“It still hurts,” he whispered, “Everytime she ignored me when I asked her for help, every time she saw him hit me and then told someone I fell down. She was supposed to protect me. She was my mother,” Liv didn’t say anything, squeezing his hand in encouragement. He stood up abruptly, starting to pace, his muscles growing tense. His skin was starting to redden, “She was supposed to be there for me,” he exploded, lashing out, sending things clattering to the ground. He felt bad immediately, covering his mouth, but wincing as he brushed brushed against bruises, hand travelling up to brush through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “Oh my God.” 

“Don’t,” she responded, “Don’t ever be sorry for that. Break whatever you need.” He nodded gratefully, but collapsed back down into the chair beside her. 

“And then she has the….the audacity to come here and tell me that I deserved….” he stopped, hanging his head, “She’s really fucked up my life. You know that?” Liv hated that she couldn’t do anything to take his pain away. All she could do was be there and listen to him. “I--I don’t trust people,” he whispered, “Anyone who ever got close to me, anyone who ever managed to love me, I pushed them away, and then I was too scared I’d be alone.” 

“I’ve pushed enough men away to know how it feels,” Liv whispered. 

“When I was in college, I met this amazing guy,” he said softly, looking off wistfully, “A literature major, and he and I could talk about books for hours and hours.” There was something in his eyes that Liv loved, seeing him remember a time where he was happy. “I--I was in love, but then the doubt started to creep in. My mother yelling at me, telling me it was perverted, that something was wrong with me, and I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror anymore. I couldn’t--I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t touch him, and I ruined everything.” He went silent for another few moments, and Liv hated to know he felt that regret, the regret she knew all too well. “I don’t even trust myself sometimes,” he admitted. Liv wasn’t entirely sure how to delicately suggest therapy. It had worked so well for her after her ordeal with William Lewis, but Rafael was a different person. He was a stubborn person, and he obviously didn’t like talking with people about how he felt, or at least, he didn’t feel comfortable enough to do it. She had to try and convince him, 

“Rafa,” she said softly, and he looked up at her, “Have you ever thought about maybe talking with someone?” He stared at her for a second before laughing softly, 

“Therapy,” he sighed, “Look Liv, I can’t sit there and pour my heart out to anyone.” 

“You’re talking to me,” she pointed out, trying to convince him. He smiled almost bitterly, 

“You’re just about the only person left in this world that I trust,” he said, looking up at her just slightly. “The only one I believe in anymore.” It was as clear as  _ I love you. _

……………………………………..

Liv wasn’t sure how she felt about her new found realization. How long? Had she been so blind all this time? The looks they shared, the talks, the late nights. Sure, it was a close, deep friendship. Rafael was her best friend, but she hadn’t ever thought he would want more. She hadn’t ever really considered the option. There was always something. Noah to worry about, a case to solve, never time to think about what she wanted. She never really considered them seriously. She couldn’t stop thinking about it, all day, unsure of how she felt now that she was realizing where they were at. Every deep look from Rafael, every dinner offer and soft smile was put into a new context, in a new light. Everytime she turned him down, thoughtlessly, because she had to get home to Noah, every time his face fell. She couldn’t dwell too long though, at least not exclusively. Rafael let her make him some breakfast which he sipped at for a bit. She made herself eat something, and as she sat at the table, she had to fight with herself to not stare at him. She wanted to make sure he relaxed, but he was tense. He looked upset, arms wrapped protectively around himself. “I just--I don’t know how to feel anymore,” he whispered, “Sometimes I feel numb or angry, but mostly I just feel like it was all my fault, and I’m trying not to, but….” he trailed off, “I’m terrified and sad and…..pathetic.” 

“You’re not pathetic,” Liv said softly, rubbing his back, “Your brain is trying to cope with the trauma.” 

“You keep saying that,” he whispered. 

“That’s cause it’s true,” she said, and he smiled. He sighed softly, “Here, let’s watch a movie. Just you and me. You need to relax,” He nodded, following behind her to the couch. He sat down, flipping through the channels and looking for something to watch. Liv made some popcorn while he lounged, trying to find a suitable movie. Rafael kept his distance when she sat down again, but she moved a little closer to him, covering his hand with her own. They joked and she ate popcorn while they watched the movie. 

“That looks so good,” he whispered, and she felt bad, 

“I know Rafa, I’m sorry. Maybe you can get your wires off soon,” she said, “Your appointment is in a couple days,” 

“I just want to get it over with,” he whispered, “Have the detectives gotten anything on Marc?” 

“He’s been elusive so far, but we’re gonna find him. I promise,” Liv told him, and he nodded softly. She was tired from being up for most of the night, and the room was warm as she watched tv. She couldn’t keep her eyes open. 

……………………………….

Liv felt warm as she slowly began to come out of the fog of sleep. The room was dark, the curtains pulled to help Rafael’s head, and the movie was long over. She blinked a few times, sighing softly and shutting her eyes again. It was nice to have a day off work, a day to decompress. She sighed contentedly, fingers brushing up and down her back, over her spine, her head lifting with every soft breath—wait what!? Her eyes flew open. She was leaning on Rafael, her head resting on his stomach, his arms around her, running a hand up and down her back. His arms were strong, more muscular than they looked covered up by dress shirts and jackets. She looked up to his face, and his eyes were still closed and he breathed softly. He looked fairly peaceful, his nails grazing over her back. She realized he had pulled a blanket over them at some point, and she pulled it up more. It was a tad cold in the apartment, and she didn’t think she could get up without disturbing Rafael’s sleep. Honestly, she felt warm and relaxed in his arms, and she wasn’t sure if she’d want to get up anyways. She wasn’t sure how she felt about that either. She hoped he didn’t get upset about it when he woke up. He was already in a very fragile mental state, and now was not the time to be confusing him or making him feel any worse than he already did. She had a feeling they had inadvertently ended up in that position as Rafael seemed too nervous to make another move after she had turned him down for dinner. That and the obvious fact that he wasn’t a disgusting person who would take advantage of anything while she was asleep. 

She was too scared to ask him about his feelings, for clarification. She didn’t want to lose her friendship with him, and she didn’t want to make any of this worse. She didn’t trust herself with him, to not hurt him inadvertently. She already probably hurt him enough when she was too blind to see the feelings that were practically written on his forehead. What they had was good and wanting more was terrifying. She was scared of her own feelings. For now, she would just play it safe at least until she could find her way through her own head. 

……………………………….

Rafael felt exhausted. It seemed like he barely had any energy these days, feeling wiped out after simple tasks. His jaw was aching once more, a throbbing sensation, but he didn’t want to take anymore narcotics. He was sick and tired of all the pills, of all the pain. He sighed softly, slowly waking up and opening his eyes. It only took him a few moments to realize Liv was in his arms, and she appeared to be asleep. He swallowed heavily, his eyes going wide. He tensed up. What the hell was he doing? She was asleep and he was…..how had they ended up this way? He swallowed again, trying to get ahold of himself. He didn’t want to wake her up, and if he freaked out, it would make things more awkward than they already were. He just needed to stay calm and act natural even if he felt guilty for enjoying having her in his arms. Liv felt so soft and warm against him, her beautiful face resting against his abdomen. He shut his eyes again, breathing through his nose and trying to keep control of himself. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever been so close to her in his life, and he had wanted this for so, so long. She shifted slightly which helped him to relax, her weight shifting sideways onto his leg rather than his crotch. “What time is it?” her soft voice startled him, and he had to swallow a few times, his mouth feeling dry. He squinted, looking at his watch. 

“Um,” he whispered, “Almost noon.” 

“Mm, okay,” she mumbled, not moving from her spot. 

“Uh….Liv,” he whispered, feeling unsure about this whole thing, “What--”  
“Shh, it’s alright Rafa, you seem like you could use a good hug,” she said, so he settled down, letting it happen. He wasn’t going to complain about being so close to the woman he loved, even if he knew it was meaningless. “You know, Noah would love it if we went out for ice cream tonight,” she said, peeking up at him, and he couldn’t help but smile, “If you’re feeling up to it.” 

“I’d love to,” he whispered, “Noah deserves a night out where he can just be a kid.” 

“Rafa,” she sighed, “He loves having you here. Trust me, he’s having loads of fun. Especially this morning.” Rafael did smile a little bit at that notion. He enjoyed getting Noah ready for school. He hadn’t been planning on sneaking Noah some hair product and a dab of cologne, but he couldn’t resist when Noah started talking to him about a little girl in his class that he liked. Rafael pulled out all the stops, packing Noah extra snacks to share and making sure he looked his best. It had been fun, and Noah had been happy which was good enough for him. 

“Yeah, we had fun this morning,” Rafael said softly. He hoped Liv wouldn’t mind his help with Noah’s romantic conquests, not that it was all that serious at five years old, but he certainly didn’t want to be stepping on her toes while she was allowing him to stay in her own home. 

“You want some lunch?” she asked softly, and Rafael sighed, but he knew he should eat, 

“Just a couple more minutes,” he whispered, “You were right. I really did need a hug.” She shifted around so she could wrap her arms around him, holding him close, and he pressed his face against her hair. It took a lot out of him not to cry. Her arms around him were comforting, and he already felt so emotional. He hated how unstable he was, never sure if he was going to break down. Liv was his rock at the moment, providing him with what little stability he could grasp onto. He wanted to be better, to not need her to take care of him. It was embarrassing. She would always see him as pathetic and fragile. 

“Whatever you’re thinking about, you better quit it,” she joked, and Rafael couldn’t help but laugh softly, “You know what might feel good for you? A massage. If it wouldn’t freak you out that is.” 

“You know anyone good?” he asked softly, unsure of how he might react, but Liv was right. He was tense, and he couldn’t relax like he wanted to. When he looked up, her eyes were locked on him, and her gaze was heavy. They shared a look, and for a second he felt warm inside, but he looked away, cursing at himself for his feelings. 

“Yeah, I think I can find you someone,” she said, putting a hand on his arm and he tensed slightly. He felt so off balance. He gulped, “I’ll go make you something to eat,” she said, and once she was gone, he relaxed on the couch, sighing and trying to decompress. He needed to stop this. Liv wasn’t interested, and he was not going to be that person no matter how much it hurt him. 

……………………………………

When Noah got home, Rafael was resting on the couch, trying to ignore a splitting headache. He hadn’t had one so bad in days. “Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled, racing into the room, and Rafael winced. He shut his eyes, clenching his jaw, 

“Noah,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, can you talk just a little softer?” 

“Sorry Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered, “Jenny liked my apples.” Rafael smiled, laughing softly, 

“Did you have fun?” he asked, and Noah nodded. Rafael held up a hand, and Noah high fived him. “Here, come here,” Rafael whispered, and Noah climbed up on the couch beside him. He wrapped an arm around the little boy, and held him close, “No matter what happens with Jenny, I just want you to have fun okay?” 

“Okay Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, and Rafael smiled, 

“You’ll have to tell your Mommy about her. I’m sure she’d love to hear,” he said, letting his eyes shut. He felt really tired all the sudden, and it was frustrating. He had already slept so much. He sniffled slightly, his nose feeling blocked up, and now that he was thinking about it, his throat felt kind of sore too. 

“Uncle Rafa, are you okay?” Noah asked softly, noticing his Uncle’s sudden quietness. 

“Um,” he whispered, “Yeah, I just--I’m just not feeling the best,” Noah was quiet for a moment.

“Do you want a blanket?” he asked, and Rafael nodded softly, shivering. Noah pulled the blanket up over Rafael, and he felt a little better. Rafael sat there for awhile, spacing out, trying to ignore his pounding head. He wanted to go out with Liv tonight, to get ice cream like they’d talked about, but now he was wondering if he’d be up for that at all. A hand on his forehead startled him, and he opened his eyes. Liv was sitting beside him.

“Hey,” she said softly, “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah,” he mumbled, and she gave him a hard look.

“Noah told me you weren’t feeling well,” she said, and he shrugged. “You feel a little warm. I’ll make you some soup for dinner.” 

“I still wanna go out for ice cream,” he whispered, and she looked at him, laughing softly, but she nodded. 

“Okay Rafa, sure,” she said. Rafael shut his eyes again, resting until she brought him his soup. It soothed his sore throat some, and it warmed him up a little bit. For whatever reason, he felt freezing, and he found himself shivering as he drank his soup through a straw. He was more than ready to get his wires off, tired of the liquid diet and the chafing inside his mouth. His lips felt like they had been rubbed raw. He laid his head down, and then he felt a little body curl up next to his.

“Hi Uncle Rafa,” Noah’s voice was soft, and Rafael sighed as he cuddled close. 

“Hi Noah,” Rafael mumbled, putting an arm around him. 

“Will you read me a story later tonight?” Noah asked softly, and Rafael smiled, laughing. 

“Sure buddy,” he promised, pressing his lips against Noah’s head. He wanted to stay awake and ask Noah for details about his day and what happened with Jenny, but he was quickly fading, feeling exhausted. He let himself drift off, holding the little boy close. 

………………………………

Liv finished the dishes, going in to find Noah and Rafael so they could go get ice cream, but she stopped when she saw them both fast asleep on the couch. Rafael laying on his side, head resting on a pillow, blanket pulled up around him, and Noah was curled into his chest, also under the blanket, Rafael’s arms around him. That image resonated with her deeply. She could see Rafael as a part of their little family, see where he would fit right in. Noah loved him, and he was very good to her son. It was adorable. She hated to disturb the moment, but she didn’t think Rafael would be very happy if she let him sleep instead of going out. He had been fairly insistent that he still wanted to get ice cream even though he wasn’t feeling well. What she was really worried about though was his sudden illness. She wasn’t about to worry him, but flu-like symptoms were an early sign of HIV, and he was at high risk. His appointment was in a few days though, and she was not interested in upsetting him more than necessary. It could be nothing at all, and he was already worried about it. If he started getting worse, she would have to take him in early to get tested. She wasn’t sure what more they could do than the medications they already had him on though. She gently shook Rafael’s shoulder, “Rafa,” she whispered, “Hey.” He blinked, clearing his throat, “You ready to go for ice cream?” He looked tired, his eyes narrowing with confusion before he managed to make sense of her words. 

“Ice cream, right,” he whispered, his voice sounding nasal. His face looked flushed, and he sniffled as he sat up. 

“Are you sure you’re feeling up to this Rafa?” Liv asked softly, “I didn’t say a word to Noah, so you won’t be disappointing him.” He hazily waved her off though, looking down at Noah who was still sleeping. 

“I’m just gonna,” he sniffled again, “M’gonna get on something warmer.” She nodded, moving aside as he slowly made his way down the hall. Liv got Noah up, and he was very excited when he heard about going out for ice cream. He ran off to get his shoes on and a coat, and Rafael appeared in a thick, soft looking sweater and a jacket. He had his hands shoved in his pockets, and he looked pale. Noah came scampering out in his own jacket, looking excited. He grabbed for Rafael’s hand as they walked out the door, and the lawyer smiled, walking just slightly behind Liv. 

“I’m gonna get vanilla,” Noah said with a big toothy smile, and Rafael laughed softly, “What about you Uncle Rafa?” 

“Maybe chocolate or coffee,” Rafael replied, getting Noah buckled into the car. The car ride over was mostly filled with Noah talking about school and talking to Rafael who seemed to be doing his best to listen, but he appeared to be struggling. 

“Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked from the backseat. Out of the corner of her eye, Liv could see Rafael leaning back against the headrest, his eyes shut. 

“Hmm Noah?” he asked softly. 

“Would you come talk at job day at my school?” Noah asked, and Rafael’s eyes opened. 

“Job Day?” he asked, and Noah clammed up, blushing in the back seat. Rafael turned around, “Hey, no, don’t get shy on me now buddy, what do you need me to do for this?” 

“Just talk about your job. Mommy says your the reason all the bad people go to jail,” he said, and Rafael glanced over at Liv, a small smirk on his face. 

“Well I wouldn’t be able to catch them without your Mommy,” Rafael said, “But I would be honored to come talk in your class hombrecito. I’ll be there,” Noah grinned practically from ear to ear, and Liv smiled too. When they went into the ice cream shop, Rafael looked exhausted, but he smiled anyways and softly ordered his ice cream, picking Noah up so he could look through the glass as they made his sundae. Liv laughed at them, especially when Noah touched Rafael’s beard, 

“You look funny Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, and Rafael chuckled, “Why don’t you always grow a beard?” 

“Because I look more professional in court when I shave,” Rafael said, “But right now I don’t have to go to court.” 

“Why not?” Noah asked, “Aren’t there still bad guys?” Rafael was quiet for a moment, and Liv winced, ready to step in, but Rafael shot her a look, saying that it was alright. 

“Remember how Mommy told you I got hurt?” Rafael asked softly, and Noah nodded, “Well my boss is letting me rest until I feel better.” 

“So when your head stops hurting, you’ll go back to work?” Noah asked, and Rafael nodded.

“Yeah sort of,” he said. 

“But you’ll still stay with me and Mommy right?” Noah asked, looking hopeful, and Rafael didn’t know what to say. 

“Noah,” Liv cut in, “Uncle Rafa has his own house. Right now, he just needs a little extra help because he’s not feeling the best, but he’s gonna want to go home eventually.” 

“Oh,” Noah whispered, starting to tear up. Rafael glanced at Liv, looking like he was at a loss. 

“Oh Noah,” he said, “Buddy, look at me,” Noah looked up, blue eyes shining with tears, “Hey, it’s going to be alright. Even if I’m not staying at your house with you, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you and your Mommy very, very much. I will always be here for you, and maybe you can come and sleep over at my house sometime.” He glanced at Liv who nodded. Noah looked up at him, wiping at a tear. 

“You mean it?” he asked softly, and Rafael nodded, “Pinkie promise?” Rafael laughed softly, offering up his pinkie.

“Yes Noah, I pinkie promise,” he said, a smile playing at his lips. Noah nodded at that, cheering up when his ice cream came. Rafael found them a table, sitting between Noah and Liv and picking at his own dish of ice cream. Noah was devouring his.

………………………………

Rafael felt uneasy, and he wasn’t really sure why. He found himself looking over his shoulder, feeling like he was being watched. He knew he was safe with Liv, but that didn’t stop his heart from racing practically out of his chest. It didn’t help that his congestion was making it difficult to breathe in the first place. He felt hazy and confused, and when he looked around, he jerked, his knee hitting the table. There was Marc staring right at him. He didn’t feel like he could talk, so he reached out, tapping Liv’s arm repeatedly. “Rafa?” she asked softly, “What is it?” 

“I-It’s him,” he whispered, and she looked at him wide-eyed, following his gaze to the the corner where he was sure Marc was sitting, but when he blinked, the image faded and he realized the man looked nothing like Marc. His head was playing tricks on him. “I--I was sure it was him.” 

“Sometimes that happens,” Liv whispered. “It’s alright though, you’re safe,” she promised, and he nodded, breathing softly, and trying to get ahold of himself. He couldn’t help the tears that began to fill his eyes, and he put a hand on his forehead, looking down at the table.

“Sorry,” he whispered, and Liv rubbed his back.

“What did I tell you about apologizing?” she asked. 

“Sor….” he trailed off, stopping himself and laughing softly. He took another bite of his ice cream, the cool temperature soothing his sore throat. Noah was a sticky mess, so Liv took him to the bathroom to rinse off while Rafael finished. When they came back, he stood up, more than ready to get back to the house. Noah was hyper after all that sugar, and he practically dragged Rafael from the store, grabbing onto his hand. The car ride home was fairly quiet, and Rafael mostly just stared out the window, feeling awful. He felt vaguely nauseated, and his head was pounding. He couldn’t even decipher what Liv or Noah were saying. He wrapped his arms tightly around himself, trying to keep warm. Despite the fact that he knew he probably had a fever, he felt so cold. It was like his veins were filled with ice rather than blood. 

“Rafa, you alright?” Liv’s voice felt like it was miles away, but he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. 

“Y-Yeah,” he whispered, “I just feel--I feel cold.” 

“Alright, well we’re at the apartment. You think you can walk up there on your own?” Liv asked, and he nodded, getting out of the car and grabbing onto it to catch his balance. He took a few unsteady steps before he felt like he could walk on his own. He walked into the apartment building, following Liv who looped her elbow in his. She led him into the elevator, Noah holding onto her hand. He was so glad to have such a great best friend who would take care of him and help him as he tried to recover from the worst night of his entire life. He wasn’t sure if he could ever repay her for what she was doing. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Liv’s keys in the door, the jingling yanking him back to awareness. When had the elevator opened? He didn’t remember walking from the elevator to the door. He felt exhausted, and he followed Liv inside, taking a heavy seat on the couch. He felt miserable, and he wasn’t sure what had happened. It had all come on so quickly, and he wasn’t one to usually get sick. He barely ever missed work. He wasn’t sure if it was relevant, something he needed to call his doctor about. He sighed, going to grab some of the paperwork they had given him. As he was rifling through the pages, looking for the number, a pamphlet tumbled out and right there in front of his eyes was a list. A list of early HIV symptoms:  _ Headache, Fever, Fatigue, Sore Throat _ ...He stopped reading. He felt his blood run cold, and he stumbled back, grabbing onto the bed for support. HIV. He had HIV. He could feel his heart rate increasing, his chest heaving as he began to hyperventilate. He couldn’t breathe. 

“L--Liv!?” he didn’t even recognize his own voice. He was shaking like a leaf in the wind, imagining himself telling his mother he had HIV. If the prophylactic medication hadn’t worked for him, who was to say the antiretrovirals would either. He’d get sicker and sicker until his immune system was useless and he caught something that would kill him. He was going to die. 

“Rafa, hey,” Liv’s voice was soft, cutting into his awareness. A hand on his shoulder, steadying him, “You need to breathe.” He knew she was right, but it felt like his throat was blocked. He was wheezing, trying desperately to get air in which was adding to the panic. All he could hear was white noise. Finally, he managed to suck in some air, coughing which made his jaw ache, but he was breathing better, starting to calm down some. Enough that he could hear what Liv was saying at least. “What’s wrong?” she asked softly, but he didn’t feel like he could even say it. Tears welled up in his eyes, spilling down his cheeks, and he grabbed onto her, clinging. She held him close, shushing him, and when he finally found his voice, he murmured.

“I have HIV,” his voice was so soft. 

“Rafa,” Liv sighed, “Don’t jump to conclusions like that,” He grabbed for the pamphlet, clutching it in his hand and waving it at her. “That doesn’t mean you’re definitely HIV positive.” 

“What--” he realized how loud his voice was, quieting down. He didn’t want to scare Noah who was probably in the living room watching cartoons, “What does it mean then!?” it was a hissed whisper. 

“I don’t know Rafael. Those are symptoms, not a death sentence. You need to go get tested again. Your appointment is in a couple days,” she said, and he whipped around, 

“We’re going to the hospital,” he said, grabbing his jacket, and Liv stared at him, “What?” he asked. 

“Rafa, I think you need to sit down and breathe some more. I’m not sure rushing to the ER right now is necessary,” she said, trying to get him to stop panicking, but he was far past that point. 

“No,” he hissed, starting to grab clothes out of his bag, “We need to go to the hospital.” 

“Rafa,” she said softly, putting a hand on his shoulder, “You need to breathe. Now.” She forced him to sit on the bed and tried to calm him down. “I will take you to the hospital, but I want you to calm down. You’re going to make yourself panic, and that is not what we want right now.” 

“Liv, I can’t--I can’t have HIV. I’m gonna die. I don’t want to die,” he whispered, grabbing for her. She sat down beside him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and holding him close. 

“Rafa, listen to me, they’d put you on medicine to control it,” she said softly, “I know you know that.” 

“Well this prophylactic treatment didn’t work,” he said, “You think that medicine will work!?” 

“You don’t know that, stop, try to think about this rationally,” Liv told him, rubbing his arm, “I know this is hard, and I know you’re scared.” 

“I am terrified,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands and weeping, “I can’t--I can’t do this.” Liv rubbed his back, holding him close as he was gasping for air, body shaking with sobs. She wanted to calm him down, but he was panicking. He looked awful. 

“Hey, listen to me,” she whispered. “Listen, I know how scary this sort of thing is, but you are going to get through this. Try to breathe.” He shook his head, curling in on himself and trying to stop, but he couldn’t. “Shhh, okay, shh,” she whispered. “You know something?” she asked softly, and he looked up, his vision clouded by tears. 

“What?” he whispered.

“I had an HIV scare,” she said softly, and his eyes went wide. He swiped at his tears, and she knew she had his attention. “Years ago, we found a dead guy in his car, strangled with some leggings, and when I got to the crime scene, I realized it was someone I knew. One of my old boyfriends, and in the course of the investigation, we discovered he was HIV positive, and I had slept with him. Warner tested me, and I was negative, but I was terrified Rafa, so scared I didn’t even want to get tested.” 

“You didn’t have any symptoms though, did you?” he asked softly, and she shook her head. “I’m sorry you ever felt this way.” 

“I know Rafa, and I know this is scary and different, but I need you to try and breathe and realize you might not be in as bad a situation as you think. Try to breathe,” Liv told him, rubbing soft circles on his back. He was staring at the comforter on her bed, his foot tapping, his hands shaking. “Let’s get you in something warm, and we’ll go to the hospital to get you tested for your peace of mind. It’s going to be alright. No matter what happens, I’ll be here for you alright?” He nodded, wiping at his eyes again. He stood up shakily, making himself presentable. 

“Mommy,” Noah was standing at the door, in his pajamas, looking confused, “Why is Uncle Rafa crying?” Rafael felt more tears coming to his eyes when he saw Noah, but he didn’t want to scare the little boy. He tried to keep ahold of himself for Noah’s sake. That little boy didn’t deserve to be dragged into this.

“Noah,” Liv’s voice was soft, “Come here.” Noah slowly came in the room, keeping his eyes trained on his Uncle who was visibly shaking. “I need you to go get your shoes on and get your coat. We’re gonna take Uncle Rafa to the hospital.” Noah’s eyes filled with tears, 

“What?” he asked, “Is Uncle Rafa okay?” 

“I’ll be alright Noah, I promise,” Rafael said softly, unable to bear the sadness in Noah’s voice. “Come here.” Noah got up slowly, but he ran into Rafael’s arms, “It’s all okay,” he whispered. Noah squeezed Rafael hard, 

“I love you Uncle Rafa,” he whispered. 

“I love you too Noah, very much. It’s going to be alright. Just go get dressed,” Rafael said softly, holding the tears back. He stood up then, getting into something comfortable but easy to move around so his blood could be drawn. Liv helped him tie his shoes, his hands shaking too hard to do it himself. She got herself a coat and her phone, getting Rafael out to the car and going to look for Noah. Noah was sitting on his bed, holding onto Eddie, and she knelt down beside him, 

“Hey sweet boy, you okay?” she asked softly.

“Is Uncle Rafa gonna die?” he whispered, wiping at his eyes, “I heard him.” 

“Oh Noah,” Liv whispered, pulling him close, “No, no, no sweetheart. Uncle Rafa is going to be alright. He’s very scared, so we just need to be there for him.” 

“Promise Mommy?” he whispered, and she nodded. 

“I promise, now come on,” she said. Noah got up, following after her, holding onto her hand. She got Noah into the booster seat in the back of her car, and Rafael was quiet in the front, obviously trying to hold himself together. Liv put a hand on his leg when she climbed in the car, hating how scared he looked. Rafael was dead silent the whole way to the hospital, and on the way there, Liv called Sonny to see if he could come sit with Noah while they were in there. She didn’t want Noah to have to worry. 

When Liv pulled in, Rafael wouldn’t even look at her. He was staring out the window, and she was sure he was crying. “Rafa,” she said softly, “Come on, let’s go inside. You’re gonna be okay.” He nodded, slowly getting out of the car. Noah got himself unbuckled, grabbing for Rafael’s hand as they walked in. It felt somber. Rafael started crying again when they made him fill out the paperwork, so Liv took it from his shaking hands, writing for him. Noah was sitting directly next to Rafael, and he reached for his Uncle’s hand, holding it tight. When Sonny arrived, Liv smiled at him, leaving Noah there with the instructions to listen to his Uncle Sonny. They called Rafael back moments later, and she went with him, sitting down in the chair while he climbed onto the exam table. 

“Hello Mr. Barba,” a nurse said kindly, “Can you tell me what seems to be the problem this evening?” 

“Um, I was in here a few weeks ago, and I had a rape kit done. I’ve been on prophylactic HIV treatment, and my rapid test came back negative, but I’m not feeling well,” he said. “I have a sore throat, headache, fever, chills, fatigue, and those were all in the pamphlet they gave me. I’d like an HIV test please.”  Liv was proud of him for explaining the situation so well on his own. 

“Alright, I’ll send the doctor in to examine you after I take your vitals. It’s very good you came in. We’ll get this all sorted out,” she said kindly, and Liv was grateful for that as well. Rafael nodded, looking down as she felt his wrist for his pulse. Then she took his blood pressure, his temperature, and wrote it on his chart. “The doctor will be in shortly,” she said. Rafael was still staring down at the exam table. 

“My partner had an HIV scare too,” she said, and he looked up, watery green eyes filled with fear. His lip was quivering, and he took a shaky breath. “Cut his hand during a search, and he pulled a girl who tried to commit suicide out of a bathtub. Got blood all over his bandages and his hand. Later we find out she’s HIV positive, and he was on the antiretrovirals for a month. He was fine.” Rafael wiped at his eyes, 

“I’m really scared Liv. I have all these symptoms, and I have no idea if Marc was HIV positive or not,” he whispered, shutting his eyes. 

“I know,” she said softly, “Let’s talk about something else then.” 

“You know, I can’t believe I let any of this happen. There were so many red flags,” he said,  shaking his head. “I’ve never--I always had trust issues in relationships, but I was desperate for him to love me. The first night we hooked up, he asked if he could--if I would bottom, and I told him I don’t usually do that. It makes me nervous,” he admitted. He ran a nervous hand through his hair, “I guess I don’t like being out of control, and I told that to him, but he kept pushing for it anyways. He wasn’t respecting my boundaries.” 

“A lot of times it’s much easier to see things after the fact Rafa,” she said softly. 

“I’ve only ever really trusted two guys enough to do it,” he said. “That guy I told you about when I was in college, he let me take it at my own pace, and when I was ready, we tried it, and I knew he would stop if I asked him too. Marc pushed me almost immediately even though I told him no.” 

“He was selfish, and you deserve so much better Rafael,” Liv said softly. 

“I know that now, but I was scared to be alone,” he admitted. “I just--I was feeling down about myself, and he told me he loved me, and he treated me like I was special. He told me I was gorgeous, and he-he made me feel wanted.” He wiped at a few stray tears. “And I shouldn’t have trusted him. This is why I don’t trust anyone.”

“I’m so sorry he did that to you Rafa. I don’t know how you possibly would have seen this coming,” she said, but he just shook his head. 

“There’s no one on my side,” he whispered, “I don’t have anyone but you. I know I can count on you.” Liv reached for his hand, squeezing it softly. 

“I’ll always be here for you Rafa,” she promised. “And you aren’t the only one with baggage. I have a very complicated history with men and my own father. Don’t think you’re alone in this. I promise you aren’t.” A knock on the door interrupted what she was telling him, and a young man entered the room. 

“Hello Mr. Barba,” the man said with a charming smile, “I’m Dr. Ashley, I understand you’re having flu-like symptoms?” Rafael nodded, “And you’re concerned about HIV exposure after a sexual assault?” Rafael nodded again, “Alright, I’m going to do a quick exam on you if you don’t mind, and then we can get some lab work done, and hopefully get you some answers. Does that sound alright?” 

“Yes,” Rafael’s voice was very quiet. The doctor washed his hands, coming over, and Rafael flinched initially when he reached at him, but the doctor recovered quickly. 

“Sorry Mr. Barba, I’m just going to feel your neck, is that alright?” he asked, and Rafael swallowed heavily before nodding. His eyes fluttered shut, a tight look on his face as the doctor felt his lymph nodes for swelling. Cold hands on his skin, and he was immediately fighting a flashback of Marc strangling him. “Can you tell me a little bit more about your symptoms?” 

“My throat has been sore almost all day,” Rafael said softly, the question helping to ground him, “And I’ve been exhausted for the past few days. My headache has been a lot worse, and I have congestion in my nose. I can barely breathe.” 

“Alright, and have you noticed any unusual marks on your body? Any rashes?” he asked, and Rafael shook his head, 

“I wasn’t really looking,” he said softly.

“I’m gonna have you change into a gown if that’s alright, and I just want to take a look and make sure there isn’t anything of that sort. A nurse is going to come in and draw blood, and we’re going to do a rapid HIV test, a rapid flu test which will just be a swab up your nose, and we’ll also send blood off to the lab just to be safe. Does that sound alright to you?” the doctor asked, and Rafael nodded, again, taking the paper gown the man handed him. As he stood up, he wobbled slightly, and he looked to Liv, a blush spreading over his cheeks, 

“Can you help me?” he whispered, “I feel a little unsteady.” She nodded, getting up to her feet and helping him out of his sweatshirt. Together, they managed to get him into the gown and back on the table. He was still looking incredibly embarrassed. “Is he gonna look….” he trailed off, and Liv followed his gaze down to his lap, 

“I’m not sure. I can leave if you’d like though,” she offered, trying to make him as comfortable as possible, 

“I’d rather you stay here with me. I don’t know him,” he whispered. She nodded, scooting her chair closer to the bed, so she could comfort him if necessary. It was only a few moments until the doctor returned with a few nurses. The first nurse swabbed his elbow with an alcohol wipe, tied a tourniquet, and pressed a needle into his arm, collecting vials of his blood, while another started unpacking the flu test. They had him lay back so he was reclining, and they propped up his arm so he was comfortable before the third nurse helped him position himself for the examination. She draped sheets over him, and he felt himself reddening. The swab of his nose was fairly quick and painless, and then all that was left was the exam. He gulped, reaching for Liv’s hand as the doctor put on gloves. 

“I won’t do anything without warning you first Rafael, and if you’re uncomfortable, please let me know,” the doctor said gently, and Liv was grateful that he seemed to be sensing Rafael’s fragility. He rolled up on a stool, “I’m just going to look at your feet first.” Rafael felt gloved hands tilting his feet up, pulling his toes aside to look between them. “I’m going to take a look at your genital area. I’ll make it quick.” Rafael tensed at that, squeezing Liv’s hand as hard as he could. He could feel his face burning as the doctor looked him over, and then it was done, and he only took a few more minutes to take a general look over his skin. He also shined a light in Rafael’s mouth, looking for ulcers or sores. “Your skin looks completely clear which is a really good sign. The rapid test results should be back in about ten minutes, and I’ll come back in here and talk with you about them. You can go ahead and get dressed.” He nodded, grateful to have all of it over with. He started to get dressed again when there was a slight commotion in the hallway. 

“No! NO! I want to see him!” Rafael froze. He knew that voice. He was only half dressed, his sweatpants resting low on his hips. 

“Noah?” he asked softly, going to the door. Noah was in the hallway, face covered in tears, snot sticking to his skin, and Sonny was chasing after him, 

“Noah! Hey come back here!” Sonny called, but Rafael took a step into the hallway, Liv hot on his trail. 

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah sobbed, running into his arms. Rafael knelt down, holding the little boy close, 

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong hombrecito?” Rafael whispered, “Don’t cry. It’s alright.” 

“I--I thought you weren’t coming back,” he sobbed, “They took you away, and I--I was scared I wouldn’t see you again.” 

“Noah, I wouldn’t lie to you. I promised you I was okay,” he murmured, rocking Noah. “Your Mommy just didn’t want you to have to sit in here while I talked to the doctor. I’m okay though. Everything is going to be alright. Why don’t you and Eddie and I go sit on the exam table, and we’ll get you a tissue. It’s okay. Don’t cry.” Noah nodded, letting Rafael pick him up, and he deposited him down on the table, finding a couple tissues and wiping Noah’s nose for him. He took a seat beside him again, “Don’t cry for me Noah, I’m fine. See?” he said. Noah nodded, sniffling, and he reached for Rafael’s hand. 

“Noah,” Liv said softly, “I told you to stay with Uncle Sonny. You can’t run away from him like that again. Can you please tell him you’re sorry?” 

“Sorry Uncle Sonny,” Noah whispered. 

“That’s alright slugger, no problem,” Sonny said before turning to look at Rafael, “Hey Rafael, how are you?” Rafael suddenly felt slightly self conscious, his abdomen bare, exposing his still showing bruises. He pulled a shirt on and addressed Sonny,

“I’m okay. Thanks for asking,” he said with a tense smile. 

“We’re uh...we’re working on your case. Real hard,” Sonny said, “I’m sorry we haven’t found him yet.” 

“It’s okay Carisi,” he whispered, trying to keep a hold of himself, “I know you guys are doing everything you can.” He winced softly as he started to lean down and pull his socks on. Liv came over and gave him a hand with them and his shoes, and then he got back into his hoodie. Noah leaned against him when he sat down, and he felt guilty, noticing how tired the little boy seemed to be. 

“Who are they looking for?” he asked with a yawn, and everyone got quiet for a second. 

“The bad man who hurt Uncle Rafa,” Liv said softly, and Noah’s eyes went wide, 

“Oh,” he said. Rafael wrapped an arm around Noah, hoping he wouldn’t worry too much. Rafael was feeling more and more tense the longer he waited. He felt some of the white panic from before starting to return, tears burning his eyes. Sonny excused himself, and Rafael tried to keep calm as he waited, but he felt like he was going to fall apart. “Here,” Noah’s soft voice startled him as he put Eddie in Rafael’s lap, “He helps me when I’m scared.” Noah also took his Uncle’s hand again, and they waited together. When the doctor did come back in, he was all smiles, 

“I’ve got some very good news for you,” he said, “The HIV rapid test came back negative again, and it looks like you have the flu. I’ll follow up with you when the lab sends the other results back, but it really looks like you’re in the clear. I’ll prescribe you something for the nasty bug you seem to have picked up though. Hydrate, lots of rest, and you should be back on your feet in a week or so.” Rafael couldn’t even describe the relief that was coursing through him. He felt an enormous weight being lifted from his shoulders, and it was so liberating. 

“Thank you,” he said softly, shaking the man’s hand, and Liv was smiling, a hand on his back. Noah seemed to have dozed off by the time everything was sorted out, and they could leave, so Rafael picked him up, the little boy’s head resting on his shoulder, and he carried Noah as they walked back to the car. 

“You sure you’ve got him?” Liv asked, “Don’t hurt yourself.” 

“I’m alright Liv,” he whispered, holding Noah close, “I feel much better actually.” 

“I’m sure you do. I’m so glad Rafael. I know that was hard,” she said, and he nodded. He was just glad he had people there to help him through this. If he was on his own, he was sure he would have killed himself by now. It was hard enough even when he knew he had Olivia and the squad behind him. 

“Poor kid, I wish he hadn’t gotten so upset,” Rafael said, “I didn’t mean to scare him.” 

“I know. He just loves you a lot,” Liv said, and Rafael smiled, so glad to have Noah. He was growing to love him more and more everyday. Noah showed him unconditional love, simple and uncomplicated, and when his whole life felt like it was falling apart at the seams, Noah was like the saving grace. He buckled Noah into the car before tiredly getting in the front, 

“I’m sorry I dragged you all down here,” he said softly. 

“No, don’t apologize Rafael. It was probably a good thing we got you checked out. Now you don’t have to worry so much,” she replied. He nodded, going quiet for a bit. He stared out the window at the passing lights as they drove back towards Liv’s apartment. He felt so tired. It was bone deep, like he could fall asleep standing up. “Tomorrow, I’m gonna need to go to work, and Noah has school, so you’ll be alone for most of the day. Is that alright?” she asked, and he nodded. He wasn’t sure how he’d feel, being alone in her apartment, but he wasn’t going to ask her to stay home again. Before, he would sleep most of the day, but lately he’d been waking up at more regular times. He just hoped he would feel alright.

………………………………….

When Liv pulled into the apartment, Noah was still out in the back seat. Rafael picked him up again, carrying him into the building, and she was grateful he was feeling so much better. He had been a mess at the hospital, and she was sure he wasn’t all the way better, but he did seem to be in a much better spot than before. He held Noah close in the elevator, Eddie in his other hand, and she couldn’t help but smile. Rafael had shocked her with how much the two of them bonded. Noah had been visibly distressed at the hospital, and she wasn’t sure if she’d ever seen him react so strongly before. She was just glad Rafael had been able to handle it. She was still grappling with her realization about Rafael’s feelings. Everything was so crazy, she could barely even think about her own feelings. She wanted to take time, to make sure before she dove into anything headfirst. She couldn’t make any mistakes. Their friendship was too precious to her. “Mommy,” Noah’s voice startled her. 

“Yes sweet boy?” she asked. 

“M’sorry I ran away from Uncle Sonny,” he mumbled, and she came closer to him and Rafael. 

“Oh sweetheart, that’s okay. I know you were just scared,” she said, rubbing his back, “I think it’s way past your bedtime, can you go brush your teeth when we get inside?” He nodded. 

“Uncle…” he paused, yawning, “Rafa, will you still read me a book?” 

“Sure thing hombrecito,” Rafael replied, carrying him down the hall and towards the door to the apartment. Liv unlocked it, and Rafael set Noah down so he could go brush his teeth. Liv watched as he made sure Noah did it for two whole minutes, and then got her son tucked into bed. Noah was half asleep as Rafael started reading to him, and Liv watched from the doorway, a smile playing at her lips. Rafael finished the book, kissing Noah’s forehead before sneaking out of the room. Liv followed him towards her bedroom, and she sat down on the edge of the bed beside him.

“He’s gonna miss you,” she said with a laugh, and he smiled.

“I’ll miss him too, but I’m not sure when I’ll possibly feel ready to go back home,” he said. Liv nodded, wanting him to know there was no rush. He rubbed his face tiredly, groaning softly. “I’m just….I know what you said before, but I still--I can’t believe any of this happened,” he whispered, wiping at his tears. “None of it feels real, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to get myself together.” 

“One day at a time Rafael,” Liv said, “One day at a time, you’ll get through it.” He leaned his head on her shoulder.

“You better get to bed,” he said softly, “You have work tomorrow.” 

“Yeah,” she replied, “You wanna try blending up chinese food tomorrow?” she asked, and he laughed. 

“We could give it a shot,” he said, smiling. 

“Alright, goodnight Rafa,” she said, and he nodded, letting her go.


	5. Chapter 5

Rafael woke up in a cold sweat, dreams haunting him. Everytime he closed his eyes, it felt like Marc was right there again, and he was already not feeling well, still shivering and wanting to bundle up in blankets. His body felt like it was aching, and as he cried, he couldn’t breathe well at all. He could feel Marc all over him, on top of him, pinning him to the floor, the rough carpet burn on his face, those strong hips driving into him, the sounds he wished he never heard that were now branded into his memory. 

The shadows in the room sent his heart racing, faces staring at him in the dark, ready to pounce, ready to pin him to the bed and drag his sweatpants down and force their way inside of him. He could feel the hands on his hips, smell the sheets, the scent of laundry detergent as he prayed it would end. He could feel the fingers on his face, forcing his mouth open, and now he was really panicking. He barely felt like he could move. He pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to calm down, but he couldn’t. He got up from the bed, going into the bathroom and splashing his face with some water. He was shaking, and he felt like he was going to fall apart. He wished he could just be happy like he had been just hours ago. He wished he wasn’t thinking about how much it hurt to be pinned down and raped, but he couldn’t stop. He could still feel the blood that filled his mouth, choking him, making it impossible to breathe. He couldn’t be alone. He couldn’t do it. Liv was fast asleep on the air mattress, and at first, he sat on the couch, contemplating it. He didn’t want to overstep or make her uncomfortable, but he was so scared. In the end, his fear won out and he crawled into bed beside her, wrapping himself in a blanket and shutting his eyes, praying it would be okay. 

………………………………………………..

As Liv shifted around, half awake in the early morning hours, she immediately realized someone was in bed with her. Her eyes flew open, and she cursed at herself for being startled. It was only Rafael, and honestly she should have expected it. She shifted closer to him, wrapped her arms around his shivering body. He was whimpering slightly in his sleep, and she pulled him close, “It’s all okay now,” she whispered. He relaxed better with her arms wrapped around him, her body pressed against his back, and she couldn’t help but feel like it was right. He felt so right. She wanted to take all of that pain away from him. If he had broken down and climbed into bed with her, she knew he had to be terrified. He was already so worried about upsetting her or overstepping, and only when he was really hurting, would he give in. He whimpered, shifting around slightly.

“M’sorry,” his voice was soft, and she wasn’t sure if he was awake or dreaming.

“Don’t be sorry,” she murmured, “It’s okay.” She ran a hand over his chest, and he settled down, relaxing against her once more. She shut her eyes, drifting off to sleep. 

…………………………..

Rafael vaguely heard beeping, and he shifted around, trying to go back to sleep, but movement from his side pulled him farther out of the fog of sleep. He was exhausted, his throat stinging every time he swallowed. His head ached, and he was still absolutely freezing. As some of the warmth began to pull away from him, he sleepily rolled over, seeing Liv’s beautiful face right in front of his. He wasn’t sure what overtook him, but he leaned forward, pressing a sleepy kiss against her lips, warmth spreading throughout him as their lips touched. “Bye,” he whispered when she pulled away. 

“Bye Rafa,” her voice was the last thing he heard before he rolled over and let himself fall back asleep. 

It was hours before he woke up again, feeling ice cold and shivering on the air mattress. He blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the light pouring in the room. He didn’t even know what time it was. He sat up slowly, hand going to his forehead, the aching sensation behind his eyes worsening. He pulled the blanket around his shoulders, sniffling and trying to remember how he even ended up out there. A nightmare probably had sent him running to Liv like a little child. He cursed softly at himself, glancing at the clock. It was noon. He wanted to go back to sleep forever. He vaguely remembered waking up when Liv left, being cold, kissing her--his eyes went wide. What the fuck had he done? He ran a nervous hand through his hair. He must have been half asleep, inhibitions down when he did it, and now he was going to have to look her in the eyes when she came home. Holy shit. He groaned softly, flopping down on the couch. Maybe she wouldn’t mention it. Maybe he could pretend it didn’t happen. He could only pray that would be the case. He could feel himself blushing at even the memory, but it had felt so good, even half asleep as he was. Her lips had felt so right pressed up against his own like he wanted to for so long. He just wished she wanted him the same way he needed her. She was always on his mind. When he won a big case, he would look to her, and the proud look on her face, the soft compliments from her lips were the ones that made his heart soar. Every look they shared, every word they uttered, he held close to his heart. He just wished he wasn’t so scared to get his heart broken. He wished he was brave enough to try and talk to her about it. Instead he had hoped soft offers of dinner, of drinks might clue her in, and either she was completely missing what he was offering or she didn’t want him. He had a feeling it was the latter. He went into the kitchen finding his mug in the cupboard and making himself some tea to try and soothe his throat. He felt awful. He wished he didn’t feel so bad, so he could maybe help out around the house a little bit. Liv was worrying about him and Noah, the house, dinner, work, herself, and he wasn’t sure how long that would last before she just collapsed from exhaustion. 

He was settling on the couch to watch some tv when his phone began to ring, and it took him a few minutes to find it, seeing Liv’s name flash across the screen. He felt his heart drop. He contemplated it only a moment before picking up, “Hello?” he asked softly, sniffling. 

“Hey Rafa, how are you feeling?” Liv asked, and he was just glad she wasn’t bringing up the kiss. 

“Okay I guess,” he mumbled. 

“I really, really hate to ask you this, but I need to go to a crime scene right now, and Noah’s teacher just called. He’s really sick, and Lucy is in class. Is there any possible way you could pick him up? They know to expect you. I can text you the address and pay for your Uber ride or whatever.” She was talking fast, like she was both nervous and in a hurry. 

“Are you kidding me Liv, of course I can get him. Just send me the details. I’ll leave in a minute,” he said, already standing up. He could practically feel her sigh of relief, and that made him feel good, putting a smile on his face. This he could do for her. It wasn’t until he was walking out the door, bundled up in coats and a sweater, wallet and phone stuffed in his pockets that he started to feel nervous. He hadn’t been out alone since everything happened, and he had no idea if Marc knew where he was or if he was watching him. He felt his throat tighten up, his heart starting to hammer in his chest, paranoia making him feel crazy. As he took a few steps out of the building, he was sure he could hear footsteps behind him, but he knew it was just his imagination and anxiety playing tricks on him. He looked around for his car, spotting it in just a few moments, and climbing in the back seat. He felt himself shaking with anxiety as he sat there, completely silent. His hand was clenching and unclenching, and he tried to just breathe through everything, but it was hard when it felt like his chest was going to explode. Thankfully, the ride to Noah’s school wasn’t too long, and he was able to rush into the building, checking behind him with every step. He checked in with the office, and they made him sign some forms before they finally turned Noah over to him. The little boy looked awful, his eyes drooping, curled up in the nurse’s office. “Hey hombrecito,” he whispered, and Noah looked at him. 

“Uncle Rafa,” he whispered, “I don’t feel so good.” 

“I know buddy, we’re gonna get you home,” he murmured, picking Noah up and slinging his backpack on his own shoulder. “Come on, we’ll get you in bed.” Noah’s skin was burning hot, and Rafael was sure his own was a similar temperature. Noah started shivering as they made it out the door, and Rafael paused, getting out of his coat so he could wrap Noah in it. The Uber driver was still waiting for him, and he slid into the backseat, promising the young man a nice tip. He held Noah close on the ride home, trying to be some comfort to the sick boy. He wasn’t entirely sure what to do, but he was going to try his hardest to keep him comfortable. He left the Uber driver a substantial tip before carrying Noah upstairs and inside. He sat Noah on the couch, digging around for his phone. He was at a loss. “Uh, okay,” he whispered. Noah’s fever was the most pressing matter. Liv had to have a thermometer around somewhere. He went over, looking through the drawer until he found it. It took him a couple minutes to figure out how it worked before he got Noah to open his mouth and let him take his temperature. Noah looked exhausted, and Rafael felt his chest swell with sympathy. He wasn’t feeling so great himself. 

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah whimpered when Rafael took the thermometer, checking the little boy’s temperature and frowning. Noah’s fever was at 101, and he wasn’t sure if he should be worried or not. 

“It’s okay Noah, I’ve got you,” Rafael whispered, “Give me just a minute.” He was so bad at this. He cursed at himself softly, pulling out his phone. He wanted to call Liv, but at the same time he didn’t want to bother her. She was already busy at work, and she didn’t need to be worrying about his competence when it came to caring for her son. He couldn’t let her or Noah down. He felt silly, looking it up online, but he needed to know what to do. After reading a few articles, he decided to get Noah in the bath and have him take some tylenol. He did text Liv about that, trying to make sure it was alright with her. Noah was sluggish, but Rafael helped him out of his clothes, and he filled the tub with warm water, not too hot, not too cold. “This will make you feel better buddy,” he said softly, and Noah just nodded, leaning against Rafael and letting him rub his back. He got Noah into the bath, relaxing and when Liv texted back, he gave him the tylenol dose listed on the bottle. He picked Noah out some loose, light clothes to wear, and helped him dry off before snuggling up with him on the couch to watch cartoons for a little bit. Noah was really sleepy, and he rested his head against Rafael’s shoulder, his sweaty curls sticking to his forehead. “If you get hungry, or you need anything, you just tell me, and I’ve got you.” 

“Kay,” Noah mumbled, his eyes drifting shut. Rafael kissed the top of Noah’s head feeling bad that he was probably the reason Noah was sick. “Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered.

“Hmm hombrecito?” Rafael asked, feeling wiped out himself. 

“M’thirsty,” the little boy said, so Rafael went to get him some water to drink. Noah sipped at it tiredly. “D’you take your medicine Uncle Rafa?” Noah asked, and Rafael sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He had forgotten. He figured maybe he should take some of his own advice and get a shower, take his medicine and drink something, but he was worried about leaving Noah all on his own. 

“Noah,” he whispered, “I’m gonna go take a quick shower. If you need anything, I want you to come and find me.” 

“Okay,” he said, and Rafael nodded, wiping a hand across his sweat soaked forehead. He found his prescription, blinking to try and clear his vision so he could read the bottle. He was feeling dizzy and a bit confused honestly. After a few moments, he was able to decipher what it said and he took his pills, going to the bathroom so he could cool off in the shower. The cool water felt nice despite his chills, and getting clean made him feel better as well. He got dressed afterwards, just a tee shirt and his boxers, going out to find Noah asleep on the couch. Rafael laid down beside him again, feeling exhausted and shutting his eyes, drifting off as Noah instinctively snuggled closer. 

………………………………..

Liv felt like she could fall asleep on her feet. She had such a long day, and everything seemed to just want to go wrong. She had been about to go handle a high profile case when Noah’s teacher called to let her know he was in the nurse’s office with a fever, and she hadn’t known what to do. Lucy was unavailable, so all she could think to do was call Rafael which was honestly the last thing she wanted. He needed to be sleeping, not running all over town. She had been glad to hear from him when he texted her about giving Noah some Tylenol. When she got inside, she set her bag down, seeing Rafael and Noah cuddled up on the couch, both asleep. She couldn’t help but smile. Now that she was home, she could take care of them both. She felt Rafael’s forehead first, and he was burning up. Noah felt a touch warm, but he didn’t seem to be quite as bad. She figured she would let them sleep a little longer, at least while she made something to eat, and then she would have to wake them up to ensure they stayed hydrated and ate. She figured soup would be a good bet for them both, and Noah liked chicken noodle almost exclusively. Rafael wouldn’t complain no matter what. She poured herself a glass of wine, starting dinner before she went to change into something more comfortable. Once she finished the soup and made two bowls of it, she gently shook Rafael’s shoulder, “Hey,” she said softly, and he stared back at her almost blankly. His eyes were glassy, and it reminded her of that morning when he leaned over and kissed her. She hadn’t really minded, and she knew he was half asleep and not thinking rationally when he did it. She honestly wasn’t even sure if he would remember it, and she wasn’t about to bring it up incase he didn’t. “Rafa, how are you?” 

“W-What?” he whispered. She laughed a little bit, brushing some damp hair from his skin. 

“How are you feeling?” she asked. 

“L-Liv?” he asked, and she nodded.

“Yeah, it’s me,” her voice was soft and patient, trying to get him up to speed. He blinked a few times. “Can you tell me what medicine you’ve had?” she asked, and he blinked again, taking a second to process her words.

“Uh...I gave Noah some tylenol. I took my medicine after we got home,” he whispered, “Maybe one thirty. I’m not sure.” 

“Did you take any tylenol?” she asked, and he shook his head. “Rafa, what was your temperature this morning?” 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, “Noah was at 101.” Liv sighed at him, exasperatedly.

“Rafa, what the hell,” she said, “Why didn’t you take your own temperature?” 

“Doesn’t matter,” he mumbled, “M’fine.” 

“You’re not fine,” she hissed, “You’re burning up. Come on.” She got him to stand up, but he mostly just swayed around. She wasn’t sure if she trusted him to walk at all. “Where’d you put the thermometer?” 

“Counter,” he whispered, sitting back down, his eyes fluttering shut. She shook her head at him, going to the kitchen to grab it. She took it back to him after washing it off, and he obediently opened his mouth. 

“Have to treat you just like Noah,” she joked, “Have you been drinking?” 

“M’not allowed to have alcohol,” he whispered after the thermometer beeped, trying to make a joke, but she glared at him. “I don’t know. It’s all kind of a blur.” She took it from him.

“Rafael, what the hell, you’re at 104. You need to take some tylenol right now,” she said, and he just shut his eyes, groaning. He took the medicine she brought him without a fight, and then she sat down beside him, and he curled up, against her. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “I know you can take care of yourself….scratch that, I highly doubt that after today, but sometimes we all need a hug.” 

“Thank you Liv,” he whispered, sniffling. He looked awful, his skin pale, plastered with sweat. 

“Alright Mister, bath time,” she said, and he looked at her wide-eyed. “You let it get this high.” 

“I’m not five Liv,” he said grumpily, “I don’t need a bath.” She raised her eyebrow at him, and he glared. 

“You need to get your fever down, so come on,” she insisted. He grumbled, but stood up, hanging onto her for help. She walked him to the bathroom, filling the tub, and helping him get undressed out of his sweat-soaked clothes. He leaned back against the tub, resting his head, and she noticed his flushed chest and neck. He even looked warm. “Alright, you think you can sit in here for awhile by yourself?” she asked softly, and he nodded, groaning softly. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes tops.” She went back out, getting Noah up, and setting him up with his soup. He was clutching Eddie, and looking sick, but he wasn’t burning up like Rafael. “Did Uncle Rafa take good care of you?” She asked softly, and Noah nodded emphatically. 

“He carried me home, and he gave me some medicine and water and a bath,” he said. “Then I told him he had to take his medicine and we took a nap.” 

“Oh you did?” she said with a laugh. Noah had been the sole reason Rafael took his prescription. 

“Mhmm,” Noah said. 

“Alright, I’m gonna go check on Uncle Rafa real quick,” she said. He was resting in the bath still, and she sat down on the edge. ”Rafa,” she said, and he opened his eyes. “You wanna tell me how you managed to take such good care of my son but such awful care of yourself?” she asked, and he laughed softly, dissolving into a cough. 

“I don’t really do much when I get sick. I’m afraid I’m not entirely sure what I’m doing,” he whispered. Liv frowned. She did yell at him to go home a lot when he was sick, but she mostly just assumed that was because he was stubborn and a workaholic. “I’m always fine. Always have been.” 

“How did you know what to do with Noah?” she asked, and he laughed again.

“Dr. Google,” he whispered. 

“Why didn’t you do the same thing?” she asked, trying to understand what was going on with him. 

“What is this, twenty questions?” he asked, “I don’t know Liv. I-I just never really did much when I got sick.” 

“What about when you were a little kid, don’t tell me your Mom did nothing,” she whispered. He shrugged. 

“Dad mostly told me I was a…” he trailed off for a second, flinching. “A  _ fag  _ or a wimp, and Mom did nothing Liv. Look, she ignored his abuse and sometimes me entirely. I just went to school, and pretended I was fine whether he beat me or I had a fever. I’ve survived this long.” She was stunned silent. She knew it shouldn’t surprise her, but she couldn’t fathom how a parent could possibly ignore their child like that when they were in pain. 

“You deserved so much better than them Rafael,” she whispered, “And just because they didn’t take care of you, doesn’t mean you can’t take care of yourself now. You deserve to feel better, to be happy.” He smiled at her sadly, letting her pour some water over his hair. 

“Thank you Liv,” he whispered, and she nodded. She helped him out, getting him some new clothes to wear, and he dressed himself slowly. He felt so tired. Liv took his temperature again, glad to see it drop a degree or two already, and she settled him on the couch with a glass of water and a little bit of soup. Noah was smiling, and seemed fairly energetic which made her feel better. Rafael had really done well with Noah, but she hated to know he didn't bother to care for himself. He ate slowly, starting to drift off again afterwards. Noah looked at her worriedly.

“What’s wrong with Uncle Rafa?” He whispered. 

“He’s still not feeling well Noah,” Liv said, “You need to brush your teeth and take some more medicine before you go to bed.” Noah nodded, doing as she said without a fight. She wasn’t sure what she was going to do with the stubborn lawyer who was asleep on the couch. She let him sleep for a bit, contemplating how best to keep an eye on him all night in case he needed her. She sat down beside him, wanting to leave him alone, but she needed to wake him up. His eyes were closed, and he was breathing softly. He looked relaxed. She reached out and shook his shoulder. “Hey,” she whispered, “Rafa, wake up.” He groaned, turning away a little bit, but she wasn’t going to give up that easily. She shook his arm again.

“Whaat?” He groaned. 

“You need to take some more medicine Rafa,” she said softly. He made an annoyed sound, shutting his eyes again.

“M’tired though,” he mumbled, struggling when she tried to get him to look at her.

“Rafael. Stop it,” she hissed, and he made a pouty face at her. 

“I want to sleep,” he whined. 

“You can in a little bit, come on, let’s get you some medicine and water,” she said pulling him gently until he got up off the couch. He followed behind her slowly, taking the tylenol she put in his hand. She made him drink a whole glass of water and brush his teeth before he laid down. “I’m just going to sit here with you,” she told him, and he nodded sleepily. “You’re okay if we share a bed tonight? I want to keep an eye on you.” 

“M’kay,” he whispered, curling up on his side. She could see how exhausted he was, his eyes looking bloodshot, dark bags under them. A few tears escaped his eyes as he laid there quietly, and Liv ran a hand through his hair.

“Hey,” she whispered, “What’s wrong?” 

“I--I feel….I just feel worthless,” he whispered. She wasn’t sure where the sudden onslaught of emotions was coming from, but he was obviously very upset. “Marc just--He’s messed me all up. I could barely go pick Noah up earlier.” Liv gently scratched his scalp, fingers brushing through his hair.

“I know all of this is tough, but you made it through. You picked Noah up,” she said, but he shook his head. 

“I was shaking, and I felt completely panicked,” he whispered, “I just--i just powered through for Noah, but I was terrified. I’m always terrified.” Liv quietly soothed him, and he relaxed as she brushed her fingers through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry you have to take care of me, and I’m sorry I suck at taking care of myself.” 

“Shhh, hey, enough of that,” Liv whispered. “Noah and I are very glad to have you here, and besides being very proud of you, we will both be sad when you go home. You’re family Rafa.” He sniffled, pressing his face against the comforter, and she scratched the back of his neck and down his back, trying to get him to relax. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled. 

“You never have to thank me for this,” Liv told him, “Never.”

……………………………………..

Liv woke up to the beeping of her alarm, Rafael out cold on top of her. His head was on her shoulder, leg thrown over hers, arm draped over her stomach. She reached for her phone, turning the alarm off before trying to slip out from under Rafael, but he was heavy, and he started shifting around. “Morning,” he mumbled, blinking. 

“Hey,” Liv said softly as he rolled over to let her up. “How are you feeling?” 

“Um,” he whispered, shutting his eyes again, “A little better. I’m really hungry,” That made her feel better. He hadn’t eaten very much at all the day before. 

“Good, that’s great,” Liv said, “Do you want me to make you a smoothie?” 

“No. You have to get ready for work. I can do it,” he replied, sitting up slowly. He looked exhausted, his hair sticking out everywhere. He ran a hand through it, trying to smooth it down, but it wasn’t cooperating. He left the room, and she heard the bathroom door shut. She dressed herself, getting things together for work, did her makeup, brushed her teeth. She found Rafael in the kitchen, adding fruit to the blender with some yogurt. Liv laughed softly. 

“You might want a little bit more fruit,” she said, coming closer. “Otherwise it’s gonna be really liquidy.” He bushed, doing as she suggested. 

“I don’t make smoothies. Ever,” he said, and she patted his arm, going to the drawer to get the thermometer and the bottle of tylenol from the cupboard. 

“Temperature and then tylenol,” she said, and he sighed, taking them from her. He put the thermometer in his mouth, waiting until it beeped. 

“100,” he said softly, and she grimaced. He still had a fever, but thankfully it was low grade. He took the tylenol before starting the blender. 

“I’m expecting text updates from you, every hour,” she said. “I want to know your temperature and how much water you’ve been drinking.” He whipped around, glaring. 

“I’m not some teenager Liv. I can take care of myself,” he said, but she raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Judging from yesterday when I left you here alone, and I came back to find you with a fever of 104 because you didn’t take any medicine, I’m not risking that again. Text messages, every hour or I’ll send Carisi here to babysit you. There’s applesauce in the fridge that Noah likes when he’s sick. There’s leftover soup and jello. I picked up some yogurt,” she explained. 

“If you send Carisi here, I won’t talk to you ever again,” he threatened, pouring his smoothie into a cup. She didn’t know anyone could pour a smoothie so angrily. He stomped off to the couch, sipping his drink as he watched tv, and she shook her head at him, collecting her things and calling to him as she went out the door. 

“Every hour Rafa!” She heard grumbled swearing from the couch and laughed. 

……………………………

Rafael was not too happy with Liv’s every hour text rule, but he knew he didn’t have much of a choice. He knew she was serious about sending Carisi, and she probably would ignore his threats. Knowing she cared about him enough to insist on the texts made a warm feeling spread in his chest. He knew it was nothing romantic, just a friendship thing, but staying with her during such a hard time in his life proved to him that he did have people in his corner. He knew he wasn’t alone. Curling up on the couch allowed him to take a breather and relax. He still was feeling sluggish and tired, his head hurting. He just rested until he realized about an hour had passed, so he got up with a sigh, taking his temperature and drinking a glass of water before texting Liv. He could just picture the smug look on her face when she got it. He was willing to indulge her though, especially knowing it was for her own peace of mind. 

This was the first time that he felt seminormal emotionally. He knew it was just a temporary reprieve and everything would come crashing down soon enough, but he was grateful for the break. He felt at least a little bit like his old self. He looked around a little, just at what was out in the open, enjoying the pictures of Liv smiling with Noah. He hadn’t realized how much the little boy would grow in his heart in such a short time. He had always loved Noah, always loved being Uncle Rafa, but now he was much more invested. Anyone who dared to upset that little boy could deal with him. He picked up one of the pictures, Noah in his baseball uniform, and he smiled, happy to see Noah doing something he loved. He hoped Noah never had to feel the way he had almost his whole childhood, unloved, unwanted. He knew Liv would do everything in her power to make sure Noah didn’t, and Rafael promised himself he would too. “Uncle Rafa?” Noah’s soft voice startled him, and he almost dropped the picture frame he was holding. He turned around, seeing Noah standing at the door, looking exhausted. He was dragging Eddie along as he walked, leaning against the wall. 

“Hey,” Rafael said softly, “How are you feeling?” He quickly walked over to Noah, kneeling down and feeling his forehead. He felt a little warmer than Rafael liked, so he took him to the kitchen, sitting him on a chair.

“I feel hot,” Noah whispered, so Rafael grabbed the thermometer, having Noah hold it in his mouth. 

“You and me are gonna hang out today,” he said with a smile, getting some cereal out for Noah’s breakfast. He took the thermometer when it beeped, grimacing. His fever was back up a little bit. Rafael got him some more tylenol, and gave him a bowl of cereal to work on, shooting Liv a text right away. He had no qualms about keeping her up to date on Noah’s condition. Rafael took a seat beside Noah, rubbing his back. “You want to watch some cartoons? You, me, Eddie, and a blanket?” 

“Okay,” Noah whispered. Rafael smiled at him, waiting for him to finish his breakfast before washing the bowl and putting it in the dishwasher. He and Noah settled on the couch, cuddled up, the blanket draped over them. Noah held Eddie, leaning back against Rafael. “Uncle Rafa?” Noah whispered. 

“Hmm Buddy?” he asked softly. 

“I love you,” he whispered. 

“I know Noah. I love you too,” he replied. Rafael had a feeling Noah was worried he was going to leave. He didn’t know what to tell the little boy. If it was up to him, he would stay forever, but he wasn’t the case. Liv didn’t love him, and he couldn’t be Noah’s father, not even if he loved Noah like a son. “I like that picture of you playing baseball. You’ll have to let me know when you start again. Maybe I can come to a game,” 

“Promise?” Noah whispered, snuggling up closer. 

“I promise Noah,” he replied, rubbing Noah’s back, running his fingers through Noah’s curls. “And I promise, even when I go home, I will never disappear on you. I love you and your Mommy, and I mean that.” Noah smiled, looking up at him and nodding before shutting his eyes again. He seemed sleepy, so Rafael let him drift off, feeling tired himself. He shut his own eyes, starting to fall asleep himself. 

……………………………….

Rafael felt rapid short tugs on his sleeve, pulling him into awareness. At first, all he noticed was Noah, who was huddled close to him, shaking. “Uncle Rafa, I’m scared.” His little voice was filled with tears. Rafael looked up, swearing when he saw someone staring at him. It was dark in the room, the blinds still pulled, and he felt his heart rate speeding up. Had Marc finally found him? 

“Noah, it’s just me,” Rafael knew that voice. He reached for the lamp, his body still on high alert, and saw Sonny staring back at him. He swore softly. 

“Carisi! What the f--” he stopped himself from flipping out for Noah’s sake. “Noah, it’s alright,” he whispered, holding him close and comforting him. “Here, let’s watch a movie. I’m gonna go talk with Uncle Sonny real quick.” 

“No,” Noah begged, hands twisted in Rafael’s shirt, “Uncle Rafa, stay.” 

“Okay, a couple more minutes. I promise it’s okay,” he said, wrapping his arms tight around the little boy. He rocked Noah a little bit until he finally managed to convince him it was alright. “I’ll be back in a few minutes Noah,” he promised, standing up and gesturing for Carisi to follow. The detective was blushing furiously. Once he was far enough away, out of earshot for Noah, he turned towards Sonny, red-faced, “What the hell was that?” he hissed. “I get Liv sent you here to do your job, but you scared Noah half to death. How the hell could you possibly think sitting in the dark and staring at us was a good idea?” 

“I--I’m sorry Barba. I thought--I didn’t expect you two to be asleep and-” Rafael held a hand up, cutting off Sonny’s hurried explanation. 

“Don’t.” he whispered angrily. He shook his head, starting to pace. “Get out of here. Go apologize to Noah please. I need to make a phone call.” He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, scrolling through the notifications on his lock screen. He cleared the voicemail from his mother. He hadn’t been speaking to her since she had yelled at him about his own assault. He didn’t feel emotionally capable of talking to her at all. Liv had texted him three times. 

_ Oh no, give him a hug for me.  _

_ Where’s my text Rafa?  _

_ I’m not kidding about sending Carisi.  _

He had a voicemail from an unknown number as well, but he ignored that. It was probably something work related that got through or someone trying to sell him something. He angrily clicked on Liv’s number, pacing as it rang. Her voice filtered through the speaker. “I take it Carisi made it there safe and sound? I thought you said you wouldn’t talk to me.” 

“Oh he made it here all right. He scared your son half to death, not to mention myself,” he hissed. “What the hell. Did it possibly cross your mind that I was taking a nap? Noah and I both were actually, and to my surprise, I opened my eyes to see Carisi staring at us. I didn’t know it was him in the dark though. I thought it was Marc at first, so thanks for that, and your son was crying because he was scared.” He was furious. He didn’t even give her a chance to respond. “And don’t worry, I won’t be speaking to you.” He hung up after that, shoving his phone into his pocket, and taking a second to calm himself down. Now that the immediate anger and surprise had passed, he felt himself start to fall apart. He gripped onto the vanity, starting to sink down to his knees. He couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks. He had been legitimately terrified, thinking Marc was sitting in the living room, waiting for him to wake up. He felt sick to his stomach even thinking about it. He felt himself heaving, and he tried to calm himself a little bit, but he could barely breathe. He took a few deep breaths, trying desperately to keep himself from totally losing it. He finally managed to force air into his lungs, relaxing his muscles and swallowing heavily. He wiped his face off, splashing some water on his skin so he didn’t look like he had been crying. When he made it back out to the living room, Noah looked much better. He still clung to Rafael more than before though. “You want some lunch Noah?” he asked softly, and Noah nodded, “Is soup okay?” 

“Can I have spaghetti?” Noah asked, and Rafael sighed. He wanted to give Noah what he wanted, especially because he was feeling so poorly. 

“Carisi,” Rafael said, “Could you at least make yourself useful and go get Noah some take out spaghetti from somewhere?” Carisi nodded, wide-eyed and scrambled to grab his keys. Once the detective had left, Rafael sighed, “You okay?” he asked softly. 

“Yeah, sorry I woke you up,” Noah whispered. 

“No, no, no, if you’re scared like that, you can wake me up. I’m sorry Uncle Sonny scared you,” he said, kneeling down and trying to reassure Noah. “I’ll always protect you the best I can.” 

“Okay Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, “Thank you.” He was quiet for another couple minutes before he turned to Rafael, “If that bad man ever tries to hurt you again, Mommy and I will protect you.” Rafael shivered even thinking about Marc coming after him again. He appreciated the sentiment from Noah though, and he hugged him. 

“Thank you Noah,” he murmured, “That means the world to me.” He took Noah’s temperature first, glad to see it trending down again before he took his own. He sent Liv a text with the picture of the thermometer out of spite before making himself something for lunch. He was so tired of his jaw being wired shut. He wanted real food again. Carisi didn’t take long with Noah’s spaghetti, and soon the little boy was smiling and wolfing it down. Rafael wanted a quick shower, so after eating his own lunch, he had Sonny keep an eye on Noah, so he could have fifteen minutes to clean up. He washed himself rather quickly, glad to feel refreshed afterwards once he got on some new clothes. He still felt tired, and Noah looked like he could fall asleep standing up all the sudden, his brief period of energy dissipating. “Here Noah, let’s go into Mommy’s room. We can take a nap there,” Rafael said softly. “Carisi, I swear to God, if I catch you even at the door of that room, I’ll kick your ass.” Noah giggled softly, following behind his Uncle. As a last minute thought, Rafael took his temperature again, sending Liv a text. 

_ Just so you don’t send another detective to scare the shit out of me and Noah, I’m informing you we intend to take a nap. _

He went to the bedroom then, and Noah was curled up in bed with Eddie. Rafael climbed in next to him, under the covers, ready to go back to sleep. “G’night Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered, and Rafael smiled, shutting his eyes.

“Night Noah,” he mumbled. 

…………………………………………

Rafael blinked a few times as he woke up. Noah was still out beside him, snuggling Eddie, and he smiled. He ran his fingers through Noah’s curls again. He couldn’t explain how much he had grown to love the little boy. Hearing him promise to protect Rafael made him both laugh and feel deeply touched. Noah didn’t know what he was saying, but Rafael appreciated the sentiment all the same. He felt fairly well rested, and he stretched, standing up. He went to the bathroom, relieved himself, washed his hands, and brushed his teeth. The excessive dental hygiene was getting to be really irritating. It was so time consuming. When he poked his head into the living room, Carisi was watching something on the tv, and Rafael shook his head. What a waste of NYPD resources to send a detective to be on babysitter duty. He went back to check on Noah who was now awake and starting to get out of bed. “Uncle Rafa,” he said softly, “I’m thirsty.” Rafael took him to the kitchen to get him a glass of water. “Can we watch some more cartoons.” 

“Sure,” Rafael whispered, snatching the remote from Carisi and putting on what Noah wanted. He took a piece of paper, scribbling out a list of possible ways Liv could make this whole day up to him. After he finished, he settled on the couch beside Noah, half watching the cartoons, half dozing off more. Finally, he heard the door open, signally Liv’s return, and he sat there quietly as she came in the door. 

“Mommy!” Noah exclaimed, shooting up to give her a hug. Rafael crossed his legs, sitting back, suddenly finding his nails very interesting. 

“Hi sweet boy, how are you feeling?” she asked softly. 

“A little better. Uncle Rafa took good care of me,” he said excitedly. 

“I’m sure he did,” she said. Rafael could feel her gaze on him, but he refused to even look in her direction. 

“Noah,” Rafael said, breaking his silence, “How about you tell your Mom what happened this afternoon?” He could feel her glare boring into the side of his head. 

“Uncle Sonny scared me really bad. I was crying, but Uncle Rafa made me feel better,” Noah said. 

“I’m sorry Noah, and I’m glad Uncle Rafa helped you,” she murmured, “Carisi, can I talk to you for a minute, in the kitchen?” Rafael couldn’t stop the smirk from forming on his face as he heard Liv angrily talking to Carisi. “What were you thinking? You scared Noah and Rafael half to death.You know he’s been fragile since everything that happened, and the last thing he needed was a random person scaring him while he was half asleep. Did you think about maybe waking him up to tell him you were there?” Carisi didn’t say much, and Rafael couldn’t help but snicker slightly. When Liv came back, she sat down beside him, and he finally relented, looking at her. “Rafa, look, I didn’t mean for any of that to happen. I’m sorry.” He rolled his eyes. Epically. “What do I need to do to make this up to you?” Noah was standing a few feet away, so Rafael held the paper out to him. 

“Noah, could you hand this to your Mom?” he asked, and Noah nodded, handing the folded paper over. Liv looked at him once before unfolding it. 

“A scotch milkshake? Really?” she asked, and he could hear the eye roll in her voice. “Oh, a neck rub, and you want me to wash your hair again?” she was almost laughing at this point. “Sure, I’ll complete your slightly ridiculous list. Do you want any special kind of scotch?” He glared. “Macallan?” He nodded. “You know you’re acting like a five year old right now.” Rafael huffed softly, turning back to the cartoons. 

……………………………………

He was silently helping Liv make dinner because even though he was upset with her, she had been working all day. He was cutting up vegetables for her when his phone started ringing, “Hello?” he said, answering after he wiped his hands off. 

“Mr. Barba? This is Dr. Ashley. I’m just giving you a call about your test results,” the voice said through the phone. 

“Oh Dr. Ashley, hi,” he said, going into the other room. Noah was still watching cartoons. 

“It’s good news, your lab test came back negative, so you’re HIV negative. You can discontinue your antiretrovirals.” Rafael felt even more relieved to hear that he one hundred percent didn’t have HIV. He was safe. It had been so stressful for him to deal with the possibility that he might have, and now that he was sure, he felt so much better. It put a big smile on his face. He went back into the kitchen after that, and Liv was still cooking. 

“Are you gonna tell me what they said, or are you going to continue behaving like a toddler?” she asked. He snorted.

“I wouldn’t act like a toddler if you didn’t treat me like one. It was just Dr. Ashley telling me my HIV test came back negative,” he explained. Liv smiled. 

“Rafa, I am so glad,” she said, pulling him into a hug, and he relished in it, enjoying being able to hug her. No matter how upset he might be, he still loved her. “You aren’t getting any of that scotch until you’re completely off your pain medicine.” He was only really taking the opioids occasionally if he needed to sleep and he was having a lot of pain, and she hoped once they took the wires off, he would be able to get off of them completely. 

“That’s fair,” he said softly, “But I want that neck rub tonight. My neck has been jacked up for days.” 

“Alright you middle aged brat,” she said with a laugh, “I am really sorry for scaring you though.” 

“It’s okay,” he whispered, “I know you were just worrying about me.” 

“Now finish chopping up those vegetables,” she said with a smile. He sighed, picking up the knife once more. 

…………………………………..

“Liv this is gonna hurt,” he whispered. He was feeling particularly anxious about getting the wires off his jaw even though he knew it probably wouldn’t be close to as bad as he was imagining. 

“No it won’t Rafa, I’m sure they’ll be very careful,” she replied, rubbing his arm. He was sitting in the car in the parking lot of the hospital, putting off going inside for as long as possible. “They’re going to put you under again, and afterwards, we can head home, and you can go to sleep for a little bit.” 

“I think I wanna cash in on that hairwashing tonight,” he said, and Liv laughed, nodding. 

“Sure Rafa,” she rolled her eyes slightly, but she had promised. She opened the door for him. “Come on. I promise it’ll be alright.” 

“Will you sit with me until they put me under?” he asked, and she nodded. He was dressed in sweatpants and a tee shirt. She put a hand on his back on the way in, and he lagged back as much as he could, sitting in the waiting room right next to her, and slowly filling out the paperwork.

“I know you’re scared about this, but the sooner it’s over, the sooner you can eat solid food again. I’ll get you whatever you want tonight,” she offered, “Obviously it still has to be soft.” 

“Okay,” he sniffled, “I’m sorry. I’m trying to calm down. I’m just scared.” 

“I know you are, it’s gonna be okay though. I promise,” she told him. He was shaking as he waited, not wanting to leave Liv’s side. When they called him back, he stood up, and Liv followed close behind. 

“Hi Rafael,” the nurse said with a smile, “Let’s get you back to the room so the doctor can take a look at your mouth.” He took a seat on the exam table, and Liv sat in the chair, hand on his leg as the nurse took his vitals. The doctor came inside, looking around Rafael’s mouth, at his swelling and at the bruising. 

“We’re going to get an x-ray and as long as that looks good, I think we can go ahead and get these wires off you. You’ll have some rubber bands that you need to wear for a few weeks, but you can take those out when you eat and brush your teeth. I’ll print you out some exercises that you can do to regain range of motion in your jaw,” the doctor said, and Rafael nodded. “Are you feeling okay about all of this?”

“I’m a little nervous,” he whispered, running a shaking hand through his hair. 

“Do want something for the anxiety?” the doctor asked, and Rafael wasn’t sure. On one hand, he wanted to try and deal with the stress on his own, to push through it, but on the other hand, it would be such a relief to just take the medicine and feel better. He looked to Liv. 

“Um, can I have a minute to decide?” he asked, and the doctor nodded. Rafael looked over to Liv again. 

“It’s up to you Rafa,” she said, “But I think you can do this on your own. I’ll stay right here with you.” He looked down at his hands, trying to keep himself calm. He was shaking a little bit still, his hands clenching and unclenching. 

“Okay, let’s try it,” he relented. She followed them down to x-ray, holding his hand as he waited. She had to step back while they were actually taking the pictures, but he seemed to relax a little bit once it started. Then they were stuck waiting for the results, and he was growing more and more anxious every minute. “I wish you could be in there with me,” he whispered. 

“I know Rafa, but you’re gonna be okay,” she promised, “And it shouldn’t take longer than an hour.”

“I don’t like the idea of being unconscious around people. I don’t know what’s gonna happen,” he admitted. She rubbed his back softly. 

“It’s going to be alright Rafa. Nothing bad will happen to you,” she said, moving to sit next to him on the exam table. She wrapped an arm around him, rubbing his back and holding him close. He leaned his head on her shoulder. 

“I’m so done with all of this,” he whispered, “I don’t know where I’d be without you.” 

“I’m so proud of you though, you’ve made it through so much. This is just one more step towards everything being normal,” she said, and he smiled at that. She was right. He was getting better one day at a time, and the more he tried to put off doing normal things, the longer it would take him to feel okay again. 

“I’m sorry you have to sit here with me like I’m five years old or something,” he whispered, reaching up to swipe at a few stray tears. 

“No Rafa, don’t cry, it’s alright,” she reassured him. Finally, the doctor came in with his test results, and they were ready to go ahead and take the wires off. The nurse’s started to prep him for the procedure, and he started to get more and more upset. They moved him to a procedure room, and after a little bit of arguing, let her sit with him while he waited for the anesthesiologist. He was reclined in a chair, his arm supported and immobilized to keep the IV in place. “You’re gonna be okay,” Liv whispered, brushing some hair off his forehead. He hadn’t bothered gelling his hair like he usually would, letting it lay flat. She held his free hand as the doctor came in. 

“Alright Rafael,” the man said gently, “I’m just going to have you count slowly back from ten, and when you wake up, your wires should be all off, okay buddy?” Rafael nodded softly taking a deep breath as the man started pushing the medicine into his IV.

“10,” he whispered, “9, 8, 7, 6….” As he counted, he started to feel more and more tired, slowly slipping into the darkness. 

…………………………….

Rafael felt fuzzy. He could faintly hear someone saying his name, but no matter how many times he blinked, his vision was still too blurry. He groaned softly, swallowing, but his throat felt dry and a little scratchy. “Rafael, how are you feeling?” the voice asked softly. He blinked again, finally starting to make out a few hazy figures in front of him. A few more moments and he could see the nurse, “Hey, you’re alright,” she said softly. He felt freezing, in his short sleeve tee shirt. 

“I’m really dizzy,” he whispered, his voice sounding foreign to his own ears. 

“We’re going to go for a walk to the recovery room in a few moments, and the doctor will be in to speak to you there okay?” she said kindly, and he nodded. He felt like he was swimming in fog, and he let his eyes drift shut once more. 

“Shit,” he whispered, feeling like he was on some sort of spinning ride at a carnival. 

“Okay Rafael, let’s give standing a try,” the Nurse said gently, helping him up to his feet. He hung onto her to balance, feeling wobbly on his feet, “Are you alright?” 

“Um,” he whispered, “I just don’t know if I can do it on my own.” 

“The dizziness will pass. I’ll help you down the hall,” she said, and he nodded, letting her lead him out of the room. Finally, after what felt like miles and miles of hallway, he took a seat in the comfortable chair and shut his eyes again. His mouth felt strange, the metal gone. There were rubber bands, keeping his jaw in alignment, but it was much less restrictive than the metal wires. His jaw felt really tight though, and every time he tried to open his mouth even a little bit, it was painful. He could see how eating anything remotely hard would be a problem. “We’re going to try some water now,” she said handing him a little cup. He sipped at it, feeling slightly nauseous from all the spinning. 

“C-Can you bring Olivia now?” he whispered, “Please.” 

“I’ll have someone go get her,” the nurse said gently. “She’ll be in the waiting room?” 

“Mhmm,” he mumbled, “Olivia Benson. She’s….she’s the best.” The nurse smiled at his mumbled words. It took him a moment to even realize what he was saying, and he frowned. It was like his mouth was working on its own, not running things by his brain before they came tumbling out. “I love Liv,” he laughed, for some reason finding the similarity between her name and the word humorous, “Love...Liv.” He laughed again. 

“How long have you two been dating?” she asked, and he laughed again. 

“Never. She doesn’t see me like that, but I love Liv,” he murmured, “And her son. Noah’s so cute.” 

“Maybe she’ll come around,” the woman said with a soft smile, “You never know.” 

“Even if she never loves me, she’ll still mean the world to me,” he mumbled, “She’s been helping me out since I got hurt, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.” 

“She sounds like a great friend. Maybe you should tell her some of this,” the woman suggested, and he shrugged. 

“Don’t want to push too hard. She’s got her son to think about,” he replied, “I don’t think I’d be that good of a Dad. I don’t really know what I’m doing.” 

“Does any parent?” she said with a laugh. Rafael smiled. It was a nice thought, but he hadn’t any clue how to help Noah when he was sick. He also wasn’t sure how well it would work to try and introduce another parent at this point in Noah’s life. He wouldn’t want to step on Liv’s toes. Noah was her son first and foremost, and he would just kind of be there if they were dating. His worst fear would be messing up Noah like his own parents had screwed him up. 

“I just want what’s best for him, and I don’t really know that I’m included in that,” he whispered. 

“Maybe you should give yourself a chance,” she said, “You never know.” He was going to respond, but then he saw Liv at the doorway, and he felt a silly smile spread across his face. 

“Liv,” he whispered, all the warmth in the world poured into that one word. 

“Hey,” she said gently, immediately coming over to his bed. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything?” she asked, and he almost lost himself in her beautiful brown eyes. He barely stopped the mess of words that wanted to come tumbling from his mouth: how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, how he wanted to spend the rest of his life in her arms or squabbling or whatever she would give him. All of the emotions hit him like a freight train, and he couldn’t stop himself from crying, “Oh Rafa, shhh, it’s going to be okay.” 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she hushed him.

“It’s okay. I know it’s been a stressful day. You made it though,” she told him, brushing the tears away with her thumb. “And you and I are gonna go home, and I’ll make you whatever you want to eat. Maybe we can binge watch some Netflix with Noah. He’ll be glad to see you. After days of just hanging out with you all day, and he’s gonna be missing you by the time he’s home from school.” 

“Don’t forget you have to wash my hair later,” Rafael said, and Liv laughed, “And I want my milkshake.” 

“Don’t worry, I don’t think I could ever forget about our little deal, and I picked up the Macallan yesterday, so I think we can make something good,” she said. Rafael wanted her to climb in the chair with him and hold him close. 

“I feel really dizzy Liv,” he whispered, “And my head hurts.” 

“Yeah, you seem out of it,” she murmured, holding his hand, “You’re not in too much pain though right?” 

“Could be worse,” he mumbled. 

“Since Rafael is really out of it still, I’m going to give you his homecare instructions.” Rafael had forgotten the nurse was even in the room. All of his attention had been focused on Liv as it always was when she was in the room. He zoned out some while the lady was talking, catching himself staring at Liv. He couldn’t tear his attention from her beauty if he wanted to, especially not in this vulnerable state. Liv caught his gaze after a moment, and he could feel himself flushing as he finally did look away. She squeezed his hand, relaxing him some. 

“Rafa, we’re gonna wait fifteen minutes before we are allowed to get out of here okay?” she said softly, and he nodded. The serious look on Liv’s face had always kind of intimidated him. He didn’t mind her telling him what to do, and usually he’d be ashamed to admit that he liked it a little bit. 

“You can be real scary sometimes,” he whispered, barely noticing that the words actually came out of his mouth rather than staying in his thoughts. “I thought you were gonna kill my mom. You make me feel safe,” Liv looked at him, wide-eyed for a second before she laughed. 

“I’m scary, huh?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“‘Specially when you yell at me,” he said, and she laughed again. 

“You can be scary too in your snappy suits, in court,” she said, but he just shook his head in disagreement. 

“No I’m not. Probably why Marc thought I’d be easy,” his tongue felt like it was tied in a knot as he spoke. He knew he was short which didn’t help with the intimidation factor. He wasn’t particularly muscular either, in fact, before he’d lost fifteen pounds on this broken jaw diet, he had been feeling particularly overweight and soft. It was hard for him. Work stressed him out, and then he would eat, carelessly, and gain weight, and when he didn’t have any time to exercise, he could put on quite a few pounds. He had been thinking about a diet, and he knew deep down inside, he wished Liv would notice and decide that maybe he was worth her time. He found himself pathetic when he thought about it. He was tripping over himself for her attention. Now things were a little bit different. He was focusing so much on his own emotional issues that he could avoid thinking about her excessively most of the time. 

“Rafael, he was much bigger than you. You can’t blame yourself for that. You were asleep when he attacked you, and the first time he drugged you,” she said, and he just shook his head, looking away. “Rafa.” 

“Sorry,” he whispered, staring down at his lap, “Can we go now?” 

“You feel like you can walk?” she asked, and he nodded, wiping at his eyes. He stood up to prove his point, nearly losing his balance because he wasn’t careful. Liv steadied him, but then he did feel fairly stable on his feet. Liv hooked her arm in his, ensuring he wouldn’t fall down, and they started out towards her car. 

“M’cold,” he whispered, shivering. Liv stopped, fishing his sweatshirt out from her bag and helping him into it. He felt better with the hoodie on, and when they got outside, he was really glad to have it. It was cold and snowy, the middle of December with Christmas approaching. “Liv,” he whispered, and she looked at him. “D’you care if I get Noah Christmas presents?” 

“Of course not,” Liv said, “I can show you his Christmas list if you want.” 

“That’d be great,” he said, “I um...I got my Mom something a while ago. I think I might mail it to her, but she’ll probably just throw it out cause she’s mad at me.” 

“Don’t feel like you have to get me anything,” she told him, and he made a little bit of a face. 

“Would it be alright if I did?” he whispered, not wanting to make her uncomfortable, but he did want to get her something nice. Especially after how much she had done for him and continued to do. 

“I wouldn’t object,” she said warmly, in a slightly teasing tone, and he laughed. He was still hanging on to her arm for support, focusing on his steps, trying not to face plant. “Would you be alright if I got you something?” He just about froze in place. He wasn’t sure when the last time anyone had gotten him a Christmas present was. Carmen tended to get him small things which he appreciated greatly, and occasionally he’d receive something else small, and it never really bothered him. It was life. His Abuelita used to get him things. His parents never did. His Dad told him he didn’t deserve anything. “Rafa.” Her voice pulled him back to the moment. 

“Oh, sorry,” he whispered, “Yeah, that would be alright I guess. Don’t spend too much on me though.”

“Don’t worry,” she promised, helping him into the passenger seat of her car. “I promise you’ll like it.” He was quiet in the car, wondering how he’d gotten so lucky to have a friend like Liv. 

…………………………………

Liv was anxiously waiting for him to be done in surgery, sitting in the waiting room all on her own. She was glad he could finally take a step forward in his recovery, and she hoped to God, he wouldn’t be so miserable after this. He had already lost so much weight due to the liquid diet, and they had been trying hard to get him enough food. She knew the procedure was very straight forward, but Rafael’s anxiety made her feel uneasy. She hoped he wasn’t too scared; she had done her very best to comfort him beforehand. It was a relief when a young man came out to find her, “Olivia Benson?” he called, and she stood up. “Hi, Rafael is awake in the recovery room, and he’s asking for you.” She nodded, following behind him as he hurried down the hallway. He pointed her towards a room before rushing off to complete some other task. She approached the door slowly, and she heard Rafael’s voice sounding out in the room, a tad too loud like he couldn’t hear himself. He was laughing about something. 

“Love….Liv,” his voice sounded warped, and she was sure he was out of it from the anesthesia. She froze at his words, craning to hear more. His laugh sounded out in the room, and it warmed her heart. 

“How long have you two been dating?” that must be a nurse’s voice. She winced slightly at the question, but Rafael laughed again, softer this time. Sadder. 

“Never,” now his voice was wistful, wishing. “She doesn’t see me like that, but I love Liv.” His words made her feel so guilty, she wanted to burst in the room and hold him close and assure him that he was loved, that someone cared about him. “And her son. Noah’s so cute.” Hearing him talk of Noah was jarring, but she wished she could hear it more. He obviously cared for her son very much. 

“Maybe she’ll come around,” the nurse’s voice was back, “You never know.”  _ No Rafa, you have no idea. _ It was hurting her to not tell him how she was starting to feel, but he was not nearly in the right place emotionally to hear it. William Lewis had driven a stake into her relationship with Brian, and despite him being there for her throughout it, she hadn’t been in a good place, and then she pushed him away. 

“Even if she never loves me, she’ll still mean the world to me.” His voice was emotional now, and she hated how long she had been blind, ignoring his feelings. She had to have been blocking them out because they were so obvious. It was her fear, fear that she would ruin their friendship, ruin what they already had. “She’s been helping me out since I got hurt, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.” She honestly had no idea what she would possibly do without him at this point. He had waltzed in to her life, into her heart, and now he wasn’t going anywhere any time soon. She couldn’t imagine coming home to just Noah anymore, coming home to find the couch vacant, to find her bed made neatly like she would every morning, to find his duffle bag gone from the floor of her closet. 

“She sounds like a great friend,” the nurse commented, and Liv wished she could tell the woman just how great Rafael was. He gave her too much credit. “Maybe you should tell her some of this.” She almost wished Rafael would, so she could tell him, so she would know he was in an alright place to talk about it. She didn’t want to rush in, to make a huge mistake that couldn’t be fixed. She didn’t want to lose him. 

“Don’t want to push too hard. She’s got her son to think about,” Rafael’s voice was soft, and she could appreciate that he was thinking about Noah. That he could recognize the fragility of that situation, but the next thing he said almost broke her heart. “I don’t think I’d be that good of a Dad. I don’t really know what I’m doing.” She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Rafael was fantastic with Noah. Her son didn’t necessarily warm up to people quickly, but he loved his Uncle, and Rafael had done so well when Noah was sick. 

“Does any parent?” the nurse said softly, and Liv couldn’t agree more. There were times where she felt clueless, but it was all part of being a parent. No one really knew exactly what they were doing. Rafael had to know how much Noah loved him. If they did decide to begin dating and introduce him into Noah’s life as a parent, there would definitely be adjustments, but he would do fine. 

“I just want what’s best for him, and I don’t really know that I’m included in that.” Rafael’s voice was soft. Liv wanted to yell at him, to tell him that even the way he was thinking proved he’d be a fantastic father. 

“Maybe you should give yourself a chance,” the nurse said, “You never know.” She hoped he would listen to this woman. She was giving him good advice. She couldn’t stay out in the hallway anymore. She was feeling guilty for listening in on his conversation, so she started in the door, and he looked up.

“Liv,” his voice sounded warm and happy, and he looked at her with those green eyes like she was the most precious thing in the world. 

“Hey,” she said gently, going to his bedside. His eyes were slightly glazed over, and he looked a bit confused and out of it. “How are you feeling? Do you need anything?” she asked, hoping she could help him somehow. She hoped he wasn’t in very much pain. He looked at her for a moment, quietly, his eyes shining with emotion before the tears welled up and spilled over, coating his cheeks. She hated seeing him cry. “Oh Rafa, shh,” she whispered, putting a hand on his arm. “It’s going to be okay.” He melted into sobs all the same though, and she was desperate to make him feel better. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his face red, eyes glued to his lap. She cupped his cheek, brushing the tears off his skin with the pad of her thumb as she hushed him.

“It’s okay,” she murmured, “I know it’s been a stressful day. You made it though.” He sniffled, and she wiped away a few more tears. “And you and I are going to go home, and I’ll make you whatever you want to eat. Maybe we can binge watch some Netflix with Noah. He’ll be glad to see you. After days of just hanging out with you all day, and he’s gonna be missing you by the time he’s home from school.” His voice was soft the next time he spoke.

“Don’t forget you have to wash my hair later,” he whispered, and she couldn’t help but laugh. His requests had been ridiculous, but she was more than willing to do them. He wasn’t really even asking for that much. “And I want my milkshake.” She knew he was going to have to wait about a day at least for the scotch, but then she would make him something good. 

“Don’t worry, I don’t think I could ever forget about our little deal, and I picked up the Macallan yesterday, so I think we can make something good,” she said. She could barely contain herself from crowding him, but she wanted to give him some space. 

“I feel really dizzy Liv,” he whispered, “And my head hurts.” She frowned, wishing she could take his pain away. He looked really dizzy, definitely confused, and not all the way there. 

“Yeah, you seem out of it,” she murmured, taking his hand and squeezing it. “You’re not in too much pain though right?” If he needed her to, she would hunt down the doctor and give them a piece of her mind. 

“Could be worse,” he mumbled. 

“Since Rafael is really out of it still, I’m going to give you his homecare instructions.” Liv turned to the nurse. She had forgotten anyone else was there, all her attention focused on Rafael and what he needed. She paid close attention as the woman explained what needed to happen. Rafael looked spaced out, staring her way almostly blankly. He flushed, looking away when she caught his gaze, but she squeezed his hand, trying to calm him down. 

“Rafa, we’re gonna wait fifteen minutes before we are allowed to get out of here okay?” She wanted to make sure he was feeling alright and not having adverse reactions before leaving. She wanted to get him home so he could rest and sleep off some of the anesthesia. He nodded. 

“You can be real scary sometimes,” he whispered, and she was startled by his words, but she found it funny all the same. “I thought you were gonna kill my mom. You make me feel safe.” She was so glad he felt safe around her. She was sure he was terrified that Marc wasn’t in custody, and she wanted to help him as much as she could. She couldn’t help but laugh a little bit though at his drugged up rambling. She knew he would never say that if he was thinking straight. 

“I’m scary, huh?” she asked, finding the whole situation amusing. He nodded. 

“Specially when you yell at me,” he said, and she couldn’t help but laugh again. He might not show it all the time, but he had just admitted that she intimidated him. 

“You can be scary too in your snappy suits, in court,” she said, hoping he knew how intimidating he could be. He oozed confidence in spades usually. He shook his head at her words. 

“Probably why Marc thought I’d be easy,” his words were slightly slurred, a bit jumbled as he spoke. She wished he didn’t think that. He seemed to constantly be waffling between blaming himself for Marc’s actions and listening to her. She knew he was trying. 

“Rafael, he was much bigger than you,” she said, hoping he would find a way to believe her, to believe that it wasn’t his fault. “You can’t blame yourself for that. You were asleep when he attacked you, and the first time he drugged you.” He had no way to protect himself. Marc had found ways to make him vulnerable, to corner him before he attacked. He shook his head though, refusing to meet her gaze. “Rafa,” she whispered. 

He sounded hopeless when he replied, “Sorry.” He was staring down at his lap, and it hurt her that he was struggling so much. “Can we go now?” She just needed to know that he could walk well enough to leave the building. She couldn’t have him falling. 

“You feel like you can walk?” she asked, and he nodded. He clumsily swiped at his face, brushing away the tears. When he stood up suddenly, he wobbled, almost falling over, and her heart almost leaped from her chest. She grabbed him, helping him to regain his balance. She hooked her arm through his to help keep him upright on the way to the car. As they went towards the front of the building, she noticed him shivering slightly, and he whispered. 

“I’m cold,” She stopped, finding his sweatshirt in her bag and helping him into it. She was glad he had said something before they got outside. It was cold and snowy. As they slowly walked, he turned towards her. “Liv, d’you care if I get Noah Christmas presents?” She was touched that he was thinking of her son, and she appreciated him asking. He had been nothing but respectful of her as a parent, and it was refreshing. 

“Of course not,” she said, “I can show you his Christmas list.” She knew Noah’s face would just light up, getting presents from Rafael. He smiled at that. 

“That’d be great,” he said. “I um...I got my Mom something a while ago. I think I might mail it to her, but she’ll probably just throw it out cause she’s mad at me,” She hated how much his relationship with his mother hurt him. It continued to be painful day in and day out, and it was all so unnecessary. His mother disgusted her. She didn’t understand how she could be so awful to her own son. Rafael had probably picked out something very nice for his mother, and if she found out Lucia threw it out….she was not going to sit there and let her continue to harm him. While they were on the subject, she wanted him to know she wasn’t expecting anything. 

“Don’t feel like you have to get me anything,” she told him, but judging from the look on his face, that was not what he wanted to hear. He was quiet for a second before looking over at her. 

“Would it be alright if I did?” he whispered. Liv didn’t have a problem with him getting her a gift, but she hoped he wouldn’t spend too much. She also didn’t want him to feel obligated. 

“I wouldn’t object,” she teased, trying to lighten the situation and make him laugh. Thankfully it worked well, and he smiled. She could feel how hard he was hanging onto her, trying to keep his balance. “Would you be alright if I got you something?” Liv asked, trying to gauge what his reaction would be. She already had some ideas for what she wanted to get him, but she didn’t want to upset him. He froze. She could feel how tense he suddenly became, and she wasn’t entirely sure why. He had a far off look in his eyes. “Rafa,” she said softly, trying to bring him back to the moment. He shook his head slightly.

“Oh, sorry,” he whispered, “Yeah, that would be alright I guess. Don’t spend too much on me though.” 

“Don’t worry,” she promised, helping him into the passenger seat of her car. His reaction worried her, but she didn’t want to push him too hard after such a hard morning already. “I promise you’ll like it,” she said softly. He was quiet for most of the ride home, leaving her to try and parse through the morning. 


	6. Chapter 6

Rafael slept for hours after they got home. He was out cold, all curled up in bed, looking softer and younger. Liv sat beside him for a little bit, rubbing his back. He was restless at first, and she thought he might be having a nightmare, but then he settled down and slept much more soundly. Liv left him alone after that, only checking in every now and then to ensure he was alright. He woke up only shortly before Noah was getting home, stumbling out into the living room, rubbing his eyes, looking sleep worn and ruffled. “Hey,” she said softly. “How are you?” He short of just shrugged, and it was then that she noticed the redness around his eyes. “Rafa,” she prompted softly. He sucked in a shuddering breath, pressing his face against her shirt, and she wrapped her arms around him as he began to shake with sobs. 

“Liv,” he whispered, and she rubbed his back, unsure what had him so worked up, so she held him close, rocking him. 

“I’m right here, what’s wrong?” she murmured, “Talk to me Rafa.” He sniffled, his breath hitching, and he tightened his hold. “I’m right here.” 

“I can’t stop dreaming about him,” he whispered, and his fingers were digging into her back, clutching at her. 

“Okay, shhh, it’s alright. You’re safe now,” she promised. She smoothed her hand over the back of his head, hoping she was helping him somehow. “Rafa, you’re here with me, and he can’t get you. Everything you were dreaming about is over.” The tears were soaking into her shirt, and she held him until he started to calm down. 

“Sorry,” he whispered, sniffling. 

“No, don’t be sorry,” she murmured. “I know this is hard. I won’t let him do anything more to you.” He was breathing heavily, trying desperately to stop. “Alright, what do you think would make you feel better right now? If there was one thing I could get you.” 

“I’m kind of hungry,” he whispered, still in her arms. 

“And what would you like as your first solid meal? I’ll make whatever you want,” she said. 

“Steak?” he joked, but then he looked up at her. “Pancakes sound good.” 

“You’ve got it,” she said, rubbing his back a little bit more. He seemed to appreciate that, shutting his eyes and grabbing at her again to keep her from leaving. 

“Can you just...stay for a few minutes. I’m sorry,” he whispered. She nodded, holding him close. 

“I’ve got you Rafael. It’s okay. Just take a few moments and calm down,” she whispered, and he nodded. His rapid breathing started to slow, his muscles relaxing one by one, her arms and soft words soothing him. He finally let go, wiping his eyes and scooting away. “Alright, I’ll just be in the kitchen if you need anything.” He nodded, but he was eerily quiet, grabbing a pillow and hugging it to himself as he turned his attention to the tv. She started making the pancake mix, keeping an eye on him as she worked. He was leaning heavily against the back of the couch, and she imagined he was still feeling exhausted. She hoped he might doze off again to give him a chance to rest up some more. By the time Noah noisily walked in the door with Lucy, Liv was beginning to flip the pancakes. 

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled, and Liv winced. Lucy grabbed his arm gently, shushing him and he quieted down slightly, “Uncle Rafa,” he tried again, softer. “I made you something.” 

“You did?” Rafael’s voice was soft, but he sounded alright, “Why don’t you come show me then?” Noah nodded excitedly, climbing up on the couch beside Rafael. Liv watched as he pulled something out of his backpack. She couldn’t see what it was, but she could hear Rafael softly thanking him for it. She went back to the pancakes, putting the first batch on a plate and starting more. It didn’t take her long to finish all of them, covering the plate with foil to keep the pancakes warm. She talked to Lucy for a few minutes after that before she turned to the two men on the couch. Rafael was looking at some piece of paper, Noah’s attention consumed by the tv. 

“Mommy,” Noah said excitedly, finally noticing her standing there. He jumped up, coming over for a hug.

“Hi sweet boy, how was school?” she asked softly. 

“Good! Can I have ice cream tonight?” Noah asked, and Liv couldn’t help but laugh softly.

“Maybe later. First you need to have dinner which is pancakes tonight at Uncle Rafa’s request, and then I thought maybe we could play some cards or monopoly,” she said, and Noah grinned. “How about you go wash your hands, put your backpack in your room, and then we can eat.” He ran off, and Liv sat down beside Rafael who was still staring at the paper. “You okay?” she asked softly, and he nodded. She didn’t want to pry, so she didn’t question him on the paper. She knew he’d tell her when he was ready or if it was necessary. “Your pancakes are ready,” she said. He nodded again, sighed and folding the paper up. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said softly before disappearing back into the bedroom. He was true to his word, only taking about a minute before he was sitting at the table, and she put a plate down in front of him. “Thank you,” he said, and she smiled. He took two pancakes, cutting them up into little pieces and pouring warm syrup on it. He took out all his rubber bands, sighing softly as he finally was able to eat a bite of solid food. The groan that escaped his mouth was both dramatic and practically indecent. She smiled as he began eating in earnest, patting his shoulder before getting Noah a plate. Noah, of course, managed to get all sticky when he was eating, so she ended up trying to wash syrup out of his hair. Rafael was sitting on the edge of the bed when she went to look for him afterwards. 

“Hey,” she said softly, sitting beside him. He was sort of hunched over, looking tense. “Something wrong?” He shook his head, but she didn’t believe him. “You ready for your bath?” she said with a little smile, and he snorted. 

“You ready to scrub my back?” he said softly, his tone light, and she laughed. 

“That’s funny Rafa, I don’t remember that part of our deal,” she said as he stood up.

“Fine print,” he said. “Maybe you should read more carefully next time.” Liv was glad to hear him joking around. She left him alone to start the bath and undress himself. When he called for her, she went back in and he was chest deep in a bubble bath. She bit back a laugh and took a seat on the edge of the tub. He still had a few lingering bruises that were an ugly yellow brown color maring the skin on his abdomen. She had a cup that she used to pour water over his hair that was in dire need of washing. He breathed out softly, his eyes slipping shut, his head tilted back. She ran her fingers through the thick locks, working the water through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp. The soft breaths that escaped him sent a shot of warmth to her belly that was unexpected. He looked so relaxed, so limp, his eyes fluttering shut, a pleased look on his face, and the little noises he made as she massaged his scalp were intoxicating. It shouldn’t have aroused her, but he was right there, wonderfully bare under the water. She had to stop herself from reaching out and running her fingers over his slick and soaped up skin. He was compact, but muscular and soft all at the same time. His arms were thick and built, his chest solid. He had lost some of the pudge that usually resided over his stomach, but she knew it would be back once he resumed eating normally. There had been tension between them before, and she had always thought of him as attractive, but never before had it been so distracting. Every touch, even just her fingers ghosting through his hair was like lightening, every brush of their skin made her feel more heated. He gulped as she trailed her fingers down from his hair to his jaw, thumb brushing over the prickly skin. He sighed softly, leaning his head into her hand. “I’m no expert on hair-washing,” Rafael whispered, his throat sounding blocked. “But I’m pretty sure you need shampoo somewhere along the line.” She laughed softly, his joke dissipating some of the tension in the room. She picked up the shampoo bottle that she had bought him after her trip to his apartment. The open bottle in his shower had been practically empty. She squeezed some of the thick liquid into the palm of her hand, massaging it into his hair, suds gathering in his dark locks as she rubbed the soap into a lather. The thick strands of hair were soft between her fingers, his locks slicked back as she smoothed it down. 

“You need me to give you a shave too?” she teased softly, her thumb brushing over his bearded jaw once more, fingers resting at the back of his neck, splayed out, her thumb running up and down his sideburns, over the thickening stubble that was foreign to her. 

“What?” He whispered, “You don’t like the beard?” His wet hand emerged from the water to brush over his face. “It is a little grey.” He scratched over the area, and she smiled softly, brushing her thumb over it once more. 

“It’ll just take some getting used to,” she said softly, “And I happen to like the grey.” His green eyes met her brown ones for just a moment, and she felt something warm well up in her chest. She hadn’t ever thought about the sparkle in those green eyes and how endearing it actually was. She got another cupful of water, and he tilted his head back once more. She dragged her fingers through his hair, working the soap out with the warm water. His hair was heavy now and dripping. Once she deemed it clean, she picked up the bottle of conditioner, working the thicker liquid into his hair. “Would you do me a favor tomorrow?” she whispered, and he opened his eyes, nodding softly. “Would you style your hair like you usually do?” He frowned, his brow furrowing, “Please?”

“Sure,” he finally whispered. She wanted to see a glimpse of her best friend, something to assure her he was still in there. She wanted to see him looking like his old self, and she knew it was selfish but she needed it. 

“Alright head back,” she said softly, and he complied. She rinsed the conditioner from his hair. He sighed contentedly. “Was that everything you hoped for?” 

“Yes,” he whispered. “Thank you.” He seemed much less tense than before, and he started gently massaging soap into his skin, over his chest, under his arm.“This makes me feel like a person again,” he admitted. “I feel like some spectacle sometimes, some exhibit at the Barnum and Bailey Circus.” 

“You’re still a person Rafa,” she whispered, cupping his cheek and turning his head so they could make eye contact. “Marc does not get to take that from you.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered softly, reaching up and covering the hand that rested on his cheek. She wanted to lean down and slot their lips together, to feel his skin and rake her fingers through his hair or down his back. She knew he’d be a good kisser, that mouth of his was talented in every other way. She had to shake herself from those thoughts.

“Alright,” she whispered, pulling away, pulling herself from him before she did something unwise. “I’m going to give you some privacy to get dressed. I’ll be in the living room with Noah, maybe we can play some cards or something.” He nodded, his jaw clenched just slightly, knuckles white where he gripped the edge of the tub. 

She sat with Noah, watching cartoons for a little bit, and Noah devoured a vanilla sundae before Rafael finally appeared, clean shaven, dressed in a pair of pajama pants and a tee shirt. He took a seat on the couch beside her and she was sure she smelled a whiff of his cologne. She smiled at him, and he offered back a weak raise of his lips. “So, what are we playing?” he asked softly, and Liv grabbed the deck of cards.

“War?” she asked. Rafael offered up one of his smirks.

“You’re on.” 

…………………………………

“That was fun Rafa,” Liv said softly, their shoulders just barely touching as they sat on the couch. He smiled and it looked real this time. 

“Yeah,” he agreed softly. “Someone crashed fast.” His gaze shifted her focus to Noah who was out cold beside them. 

“All that sugar. He ate pancakes and ice cream,” she murmured with a laugh. Rafael smiled, running a hand through Noah’s soft curls. 

“I’ll take him to his bed,” he whispered, and Liv smiled as he eased the little boy up into his arms, leaned him against his chest, hand smoothing over Noah’s hair and his back. He carried Noah to his bed, tucking him in under the covers, kneeling down and kissing his forehead before turning out the lights. Liv was smiling from the doorway, following him to the bedroom. He grabbed the folded up piece of paper. “My hero is my Uncle Rafa.” His voice was soft, but filled with emotion as he read from the paper. “My Uncle Rafa is a lawyer who helps to put bad guys in jail. My Mommy says he makes the world a safer place for me. He is funny and always makes me smile, and he makes my Mommy smile a lot too even when she looks sad. This is why I love him the most.” He looked up from the paper, and Liv couldn’t help but smile widely at Noah’s little note. Somehow that sweet boy managed to put a smile on Rafael’s face when it seemed he felt everything was hopeless. 

“He’s right you know,” she whispered. “His Uncle Rafa is very funny,” He smiled at that. 

“Thank you for letting me stay here,” he murmured, setting the paper down on the nightstand. “Would you...would you stay with me for a little bit? Just until I fall asleep?” She nodded, scooting up onto the bed with him. He settled in on his side, turning the lights out, and Liv stroked her fingers through his newly clean hair. She would stay with him all night if he needed it. 

………………………………

Rafael’s eyes blinked open, his body feeling overheated. The tail end of his dream still playing in his mind. He was sweating profusely, but for once it wasn’t from a nightmare. He almost wished it had been. Those dark eyes staring at him, soft lips brushing against his own, her fingers trailing across his his heated skin. He knew it was her. He could feel himself throbbing against the cool sheets under him. He was unbearably hard. Shame was welling up in his chest, and he cursed himself, his brain, his subconscious, he cursed everything. He had no business thinking of her that way. She was off limits. He reached a hand down anyways, trying his best to banish the dream, her, and all thoughts from his mind. It was supposed to be therapeutic, to help him feel more comfortable in his own skin, and there was no way he’d fall back asleep if he didn’t deal with his current situation. He couldn’t help but hiss as his fingers wrapped around his length, feeling so incredibly worked up. It wasn’t going to take him long to get off. He squeezed his eyes closed, pressing his face into the pillow and jerking himself roughly. He wanted to get it over with. His hand was too dry though, chafing along his sensitive skin, so he brought it up, spitting twice before stroking himself once more. He couldn’t help the breathy little gasps and moans that escaped his lips, so he pressed his face harder into the pillow. “Oh fuck,” he whispered, brushing his thumb over the swollen head of his prick, spreading precome everywhere. It made each pump of his hand smoother and easier. His hips started to rock as the pleasure built up, so he tightened his grip, but the further he sunk into the pleasure, the harder it was to keep her from his mind. He hated himself for it. He worked his hips harder, trying to finish faster, but it didn’t matter. He spilled into his hand, body flushed, a breathless moan escaping his lips.“Liv.” Then he was boneless on the bed, free to wallow in his self-loathing. He felt disgusting, shame making his face grow warm. He couldn’t dwell on it, or he’d never forgive himself. Instead, he sleepily got out of bed, cleaning up before curling up on his side once more. He knew the feelings of shame and hatred would intensify by morning, but he didn’t have the energy to deal with this now. He shut his eyes, drifting off once more. 

………………………………………

Noah’s voice was what jarred Rafael from his sleep. He could faintly hear Liv shushing him, but it was too late. Rafael was awake. Even hearing Liv’s voice brought back the mortification from the night before. He drew his knees up to his chest on the bed, leaning his reddening face against his legs. He was disgusted with himself for thinking about Liv while he….He wasn’t sure how he’d ever look her in the eyes again. He was honestly surprised he’d been hit with such a strong wave of arousal the night before. Usually he was much better at controlling himself, and when he had been in the bath, when Liv washed his hair, he had been feeling a little flushed and heated. By the end, he had been half hard, but nothing like the unbearable need that appeared following his dream. He hadn’t felt like that since before Marc. It was almost a relief to know that he still could jerk off without freaking out, that he still could make himself feel good and take care of his needs. Marc hadn’t taken that from him. He also felt less stressed out, less tense than before. He just felt ashamed. He couldn’t believe he let his mind wander like that, that he had been thinking about her. It wasn’t fair to her. He decided to go out to the living room and face her. He wanted to get it over with. He ran a hand through his hair before remembering Liv’s request from the night before. Styling his hair had seemed like too much of a hassle recently, but if that’s what Liv wanted, he would gladly go through the trouble for her. He felt himself blushing with embarrassment, unable to banish the prior night from his mind even as he slipped into the bathroom, combing gel into his hair and going through the motions he had perfected after college. His hair was longer than he was used to, but he made it work. He shaved for the second day in a row, dabbing on aftershave and taking a look at himself in the mirror. His face was still a little bit swollen, but it was getting better, and there were faded bruises and still healing cuts, but he was looking more and more like his usual self. He had lost significant weight due to the restricted diet which he didn’t mind. It made him feel more attractive. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to get dressed in something semi-nice or if he just wanted to stick to the status quo tee shirt and boxer routine. He decided getting all dressed up would probably startle Liv too much. Too much of his normal self all at once. It would be a farce anyways, a weak attempt to cover up his misery. He would get dressed later. 

On his way into the living room, he saw Liv sitting on the couch, and he took a seat beside her. “Hi,” he whispered. 

“Hey,” she said with a smile, eyes brightening when she saw his hair. “How did you sleep?” His secret was twisting inside him, poisoning his every thought, every interaction, but he fought the embarrassment, swallowing heavily before answering. 

“Alright,” he said vaguely. “I wish you hadn’t taken off work again.” 

“You had surgery yesterday Rafa, I want to keep an eye on you,” she told him, and he smiled. 

“Thanks,” he whispered, staring at his lap, afraid that she might see how much she really meant to him. He was terrified to make her hate him, to ruin their friendship because he couldn’t just be happy with it. He hated wanting more, but knowing she didn’t. He was trying to be okay with it, to be alright with just being her best friend. She put a hand on his arm, his gaze rising to meet hers, and she gave him a sad smile, her eyes shining with tears. 

“Rafa, you are going to get through this. I promise, and I am going to be here every step of the way because I care about you,” she said. He covered her hand with his own, trying not to cry. It meant so much to him that she was willing to help during such a trying time. He had no one else. Just Liv. What he would do to have her arms around him, but she had been so understanding with him so far, holding him, hugging him, and he was done asking her for affection. He didn’t deserve it. He was done pretending they were more. It wasn’t fair to him, and it certainly wasn’t fair to her. He was feeling more than a little pathetic, but Liv kept a kind gaze on him. “Hey, come here. It’s gonna be alright.” He hesitated, but Liv opened her arms to him, and his resolve crumbled. He felt tears stinging his throat as he curled up in her arms, head resting against her shoulder, and she rubbed his back. “Shhh Rafa, I know this hurts,” she soothed, but he was shaking. 

“I don’t know Liv. I just feel hopeless. I can’t stop,” he whispered. She hushed him. 

“You’ve been doing so much better. You’re getting better. You got your wires off, you’ve been cleared of HIV. Don’t assume things are awful. These feelings will pass,” she said, her hand smoothing over the back of his neck. He ended up curled into a ball, his head resting in her lap as she stroked a hand over the nape of his neck. 

“I’m trying,” he murmured. “So hard Liv, every single day, but it’s so hard.” He tucked his head down, pressing his face against her leg. “I don’t know if I can fight anymore.” 

“I know how hard you’re working Rafael, trust me, I know, and I know it’s frustrating, but you are getting so much better. You got up this morning on your own, and you did your own hair and you shaved your face. A week ago, you couldn’t even get off the couch without me prompting you,” she said, her hand brushing over his back again. “You know something Rafa?” 

“What?” he whispered, his voice overcome by tears. 

“I am so proud of you, so proud. You’re doing amazing Rafa. Listen to me. I would never lie to you,” she told him, scratching his back. He was shaking, pressing his face into the crook of his arm. “Rafa, I promise.” 

“I believe you,” he managed to get out. “If I believe anyone, I believe you. I’m trying.” 

“Do you feel up to going out today? I think it would be really great for you to get some air, to maybe eat at a nice restaurant with me,” Liv said softly. “We could go for a walk.” 

“I’m not sure,” he said, covering his face. “I don’t want to--Liv, I’m scared.” 

“I understand being scared,” she told him, rubbing his shoulder and down his arm, her hand brushing over his warm skin. “I’ve been scared a lot. Can I tell you something, something that I want you to keep a secret?” He nodded, looking up at her with glassy eyes. “Years ago, I went undercover to find a corrections officer who was raping inmates, and I ended up in a bad position. Really bad. That’s the closest I’ve ever come to being raped besides Lewis.” She could see his eyes fill with tears, a few escaping down his cheeks. “And I had PTSD afterwards. I could barely do my job, and I pointed a gun at someone’s head. I was terrified Rafa, but look at me now.” 

“But he’s still out there,” he whispered. “He’s going to come after me, and I don’t know if I could take another….” he trailed off. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’ve ever felt anything like this.”

“It’s okay to be scared of him, but I won’t let anything else happen to you,” she promised. “I will be right by your side. I just want you to know you’re not alone Rafa.” He turned his head, looking back at the television, going silent, and Liv just kept rubbing his back, waiting patiently for him to respond. He could have all the time he needed. His cheek was pressed against her thigh, his arms crossed tightly over his chest, his legs curled up tight beside them. 

“I feel alone sometimes,” he whispered. “I know you’re here, but I--I don’t know what to do.” 

“Come to me, talk to me. You are not a burden,” she said. He sniffled, finally wiping his face. 

“Then why do I feel like one?” he whispered. Liv squeezed his shoulder gently, and she was about to answer when Noah came running out of his bedroom. He stopped, looking from Rafael to his mother and back to Rafael. 

“Uncle Rafa…..” he whispered. “Why are you crying? Is it because of the bad man? I told you, me and Mommy are going to keep you safe.” 

“Noah, give Uncle Rafa some space,” Liv said softly. Rafael didn’t even respond. Noah looked worried, tears filling his blue eyes, and she felt Rafael shift around. He shoved himself up to a sitting position, beckoning Noah forward.

“Come here Noah,” he whispered. Noah rushed into Rafael’s arms, and he wrapped his arms around the little boy. “You don’t need to worry about me so much kiddo, that’s our job, us adults. We’re supposed to do the worrying. Not you.” 

“But I love you Uncle Rafa. It makes me sad when you’re sad,” he said, pressing his face against Rafael’s shoulder. Rafael took a shuddering breath, pressing his face against Noah’s curls. He couldn’t hold in the sobs, and he gulped in air, his arms tightening around Noah. The little boy’s face was pressed against his shirt, his hands clutching at Rafael’s shirt. 

“I love you too Noah,” he breathed, trying to control himself, but he was melting down. Liv continued rubbing his back, and it took a few minutes, but he finally managed to stop crying, pulling back and wiping his face. “I’m sorry Noah, I’m really sorry.” 

“Don’t cry Uncle Rafa, please,” he whispered, pushing up to his knees and hugging Rafael. 

“I’m alright Noah. It’s gonna be alright,” Rafael whispered, in dire need of a tissue. “I didn’t mean to scare you. I think it’d be really fun if you, me, and your Mom went out for some breakfast.” 

“It’s more like brunch now,” Liv said softly, and Rafael couldn’t help but laugh, wiping at his face again. “Noah, go get some shoes on. I need to talk to Uncle Rafa real quick, and then we’re gonna get some breakfast.” Liv grabbed him a couple tissues, handing them over, and he swallowed heavily. “You, me, and Noah can get some breakfast, and then you and I are gonna take a walk in the park, okay? Just you and me.” Rafael looked at her wide-eyed, but he finally nodded softly. “Alright mister, up and at ‘em. You gotta get dressed. I think we’d get some weird looks if you went to breakfast in that.” He couldn’t help but laugh softly at her joke. He disappeared back into the bedroom, and when he came back out, he was much more put together, dressed in some khakis and a thin pullover hoodie. He was bundled up in a winter jacket as well, his hands shoved in his pockets. Noah was bouncing with excitement, grabbing for Rafael’s hand and then Liv’s. They walked out of the door like that, but Liv managed to get Noah to let go of his Uncle and give him a little bit of space. Rafael was fragile, and she wanted to give him room to breathe. Rafael was matching her step for step, almost desperately, and it took her far too long to realize he was scared of falling behind. She slowed up slightly, not wanting to overwork his surely tired body. Breakfast was quick, Rafael eating scrambled eggs and a pancake. She had an omelette, and Noah had a stack of chocolate chip pancakes that he managed to get all over himself. Rafael kindly took him to the bathroom to clean up. By the time they came back out, Lucy had arrived to take Noah off their hands, and Rafael kept his gaze down the whole time. He seemed tense, uneasy, and she never wanted him to feel that way around her. Once Noah was gone, she turned to him. “I’m gonna pay the bill, and then we can talk.” He nodded, trailing after her. She paid for breakfast, surprisingly with no objections from him, and then they were outside. “I’m not going to make you talk Rafa. You know I wouldn’t make you do anything, but I would like it if you’d at least listen to me.” He nodded, following her as she started walking towards the park. “Did we ever finish talking about my trust issues?” she asked, and he shook his head.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he whispered, and she turned towards him, challenging him to look her in the eyes. He finally did lift his gaze. 

“I’m going to tell you Rafa because I do trust you. You’re not the only one who has struggled in relationships,” she said, starting to walk again. “Brian and I…..he was there for me at a time when I really needed someone.” She could practically feel Rafael glowering beside her, but then he looked up at her, his eyes watery.

“I’m glad you had someone. You deserve to be happy,” he whispered. She wanted to reach for his hand, knowing he was wishing he could have helped her during that time, but his body language screamed no touching. 

“You deserve to be happy too Rafa,” Liv murmured before continuing her story. “What happened with Lewis drove us apart. I couldn’t….I couldn’t open up to him. I couldn’t trust him enough to tell him what happened to me, and it drove a stake into our relationship, and then Tucker and I…..I don’t know what I was doing. I didn’t trust him enough either. He knew things from my past, so I didn’t have to tell him what I would usually have to, and I mistook some of what we had. I didn’t realize until it was too late.” 

“I’m sorry I turned you two in,” he whispered. “That couldn’t have helped.” He was staring at his feet. 

“Rafa, you did your job,” she assured him, and he shook his head. They were quiet then for just a little while until she found a bench where they could sit. Rafael was obviously upset, upset with himself, with Marc, with the world. Maybe even with her. He wrapped his arms around his torso almost defensively. 

“Did you feel this miserable?” he whispered. “After Lewis.” When she didn’t answer right away, a look of panic crossed his face, and he started to back track. “You don’t have to tell me,” he started to say, but she cut him off. 

“Rafa, it’s alright,” she whispered. “It’s okay.” He relaxed at her soothing tone. “I did. I really, really did. What you saw was only a layer Rafael. The hurt ran much deeper than that. I know how you feel. Maybe not exactly the same, and maybe not entirely, but I do know, and it does get better. I promise.” 

“I just wake up everyday, and I think about him. Sometimes a panic attack is what wakes me up. I can’t breathe when I think about any of it,” he whispered. “Every tree branch against the window, every shadow in the room, every phantom noise is  _ him  _ Liv.” He was shaking, one hand resting on his knee, clenching until his knuckles were pale white, the other shaking as he ran it through his hair. “My chest feels so tight, and it’s like I can’t breathe, and I think I am going to die.” 

“That fades Rafael, but it takes time. Try to believe me if nothing else. Time teaches you how to deal with this, and in the meantime, I am going to be right here,” Liv told him, and he nodded, his lips pursed together as he tried to hold in his sobs. 

“C-Can we go back. I want to go home,” he whispered, and she nodded, standing up and waiting for him to follow. He seemed less upset though as they walked back out of the park to the car, and when he was buckled in, she turned to him. 

“Did that make you feel better at all?” she asked, putting a hand over his, and he nodded. 

“I appreciate all of this Liv,” he whispered. “And the fresh air was nice. Maybe we could do this again.” 

“That’s a good idea,” she said. He was quiet the whole way home, but he seemed to perk up once they got inside. Noah was excited to see them and to have Spaghetti for dinner like she had promised. Rafael sat with him on the floor, laughing as Noah built lego figures. Liv watched them as she made dinner, that is until Rafael came into the kitchen.

“Please let me help,” he said softly, “I hate you taking care of me.” She moved over and let him stir the pasta. “Thank you,” he whispered, “Go sit down with Noah, drink a glass of wine.” She thought about it for a few moments, but in the end agreed for his sake. It wasn’t like he had very much left to do anyways. She sat with Noah on the couch, turning to her son and speaking in a lowered voice.

“Noah,” she said softly, and he looked up at her. “Uncle Rafa needs you to just love him right now. Lots of hugs when he says it’s alright, but when I say he needs some space, we just need to give him a couple minutes to calm down, okay?” Noah nodded. 

“Mommy?” he asked softly, and she nodded, waiting for his question, “Is the mean man gonna try and get Uncle Rafa?” 

“Uncle Rafa is going to be okay Noah,” Liv said softly, not wanting to scare her son. “Uncle Sonny, Aunt Amanda and Fin are looking for him, and they’re gonna make sure he doesn’t hurt Uncle Rafa again.” 

“Promise?” Noah whispered, and Liv nodded. He seemed satisfied then, turning back to the tv. “Mommy.” Noah said after a few moments of silence, and she looked at him. “I never want Uncle Rafa to leave.” 

“Me either sweet boy,” she agreed, hugging him tight. 

“Okay, dinner’s ready…..I think.” Liv couldn’t help but laugh at the insecurity about his ability to make dinner.

“I’m sure it’s fine Rafa,” she said with a laugh, helping him bring plates out to the table. She poured him a finger of scotch into a tumbler that she grabbed from his apartment, and he looked at it longingly as she brought it to the table. “I think you deserve this,” she whispered, and he laughed softly. He spent a few minutes cutting his spaghetti up to make it easier to eat, and then she smiled as he dug in. It was obvious he had been missing real food, and he made a pleased noise after taking a bite. Noah was smiling as Rafael told him a joke, and he started laughing. 

“Uncle Rafa?” he whispered. 

“Hmm hombrecito?” Rafael asked, taking a sip of his scotch. 

“Will you and Mommy read me a story tonight?” he asked, and Rafael looked to Liv. She raised her eyebrows, but jerked her head at him, prompting him to make a decision. “Sure Noah, we can both read you a story.” Liv gave Noah a bath after dinner, and then Rafael sat on the end of Noah’s bed while Liv was beside him, reading the book. It didn’t take long for Noah to fall asleep, and then Rafael was feeling a bit tired himself. 

“Let’s go out to the couch,” she whispered, and he nodded, coming with her. He took a seat, feeling a little overwhelmed. 

“I feel like I’m gonna…..I don’t know….” he trailed off, forcing himself to just breathe. Liv sat beside him, rubbing his arm. 

“Rafa, it’s gonna be alright. Just breathe a little bit. I’m here for you,” she whispered. He sat hunched up on the couch, pulling his legs up, resting his face against his knees. “Is there anything you want to watch?” He shrugged. She put on a comedy that Fin had been pushing her to watch. 

“Noah forgot Eddie,” Rafael whispered, grabbing for the elephant that he spotted on the ground. He picked it up. “He’s so….he makes me feel so, so much better.” 

“Kids are so beautiful like that,” Liv whispered. “Have you ever thought about having kids?” He looked away. 

“I just….I just don’t think I can….I don’t know what I’m doing with kids Liv. Taking care of myself lately has been so hard. How am I supposed to take care of a little kid? I’ve always thought I was messed up, with my parents, with my sexuality, and I don’t know. I’m clueless. I couldn’t even take care of myself when I was sick,” he admitted. 

“You took excellent care of Noah,” she said, “You are way too hard on yourself, and you don’t give yourself nearly enough credit.” He shrugged. 

“I googled it,” he whispered. Liv laughed.

“Rafa, I’ve googled things before. Trust me. Do you think I went to some special parent school or just automatically knew all of this stuff. I learned it as I went. You’re so smart. I know you would learn quickly. Noah looks up to you so much as an Uncle, as a role model,” she said, and he looked down.

“I’d never forgive myself if I messed a kid up like my parents did to me,” he whispered. “I’d never want to mess Noah up.” 

“You’ve been taking care of him plenty in the last couple weeks, and he’s absolutely fine, if not better than before you came Rafa. I wouldn’t lie to you about something like this. You know I wouldn’t,” she said. 

“I know,” he whispered, “I just can’t stop worrying. I don’t want to do anything that could possibly hurt him or scare him. I don’t know that I’m what’s best for him right now.” 

“He’s so happy with you here Rafa, and not once have I seen you put yourself above his needs. Even when you’re miserable, you talk to him, you reassure him. You’re amazing with Noah. I don’t want to hear otherwise,” Liv insisted. Rafael ran his fingers through his hair, wrapping his arms around himself. “Noah saved me Rafa. He saved me from myself, and I think you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You would be a fantastic father, and you are a fantastic Uncle.” 

“Thank you Liv. All of this means the world to me,” he whispered. She wrapped an arm around him, and he leaned into the hug. “Thank you for trusting me with everything we talked about today. Sometimes it’s really hard to remember all the mistakes I’ve made, and it does mean a lot to me that you are willing to tell me about some of your own issues.” 

“Sometimes all we need is to know we’re not alone. I know this is hard for you,” she told him. “Is there anything else you want to talk about? I’m here to listen.” 

“I just hate knowing that I let my parents damage me so much,” he whispered, “I let them make me so scared, and I ruined relationships because of it.” 

“Rafa, don’t blame yourself for that. We can’t help that our parents affected us. My father and my mother have greatly contributed to my own relationship issues. My father raped my mother Rafa,” his eyes shot up to her face. 

“What?” he whispered, and she nodded. 

“You heard me right, and later, I found out he had a son who he was there for, who he took care of all the while he ruined my mother’s life, and she took that out on me,” she said. Rafael tensed, his jaw clenching with what appeared to be anger. “And my brother almost made me lose my job. My old partner left without so much as a text or a call. I have had plenty of experiences that I’ve let affect me. It’s natural to want to protect yourself.” 

“But now I’m alone,” he whispered, “And I’m broken.” 

“You’re not alone, and you’re not broken,” she told him softly. “I am here for you. I care about you Rafa. I trust you, and I know you can trust me.” He went quiet after that, thinking about what she said and what it meant. It did change the way he viewed some of their previous interactions. Maybe he wasn’t so awful after all. Maybe it wasn’t about him. He felt selfish for taking all of it so personally, but at the same time, it was hard not to. He loved her with all his heart, and knowing he couldn’t have her was like telling him he couldn’t have air. It made him feel like he was going to die. This made him feel a little better somehow. Liv kept her arm around him as he turned his attention to the tv. He watched for awhile until he suddenly felt really drowsy, letting his eyes shut. All the crying had him tuckered out. 

……………………………………

When Rafael woke up, someone was pressed up tight against his back, arms around him, and he felt safe. He felt warm, like he belonged there, calm and loved. It had been a long time since he felt any of that. He shut his eyes, clinging to the moments of bliss, the moments where he could pretend he might have this for real. Forever. He knew she was there to comfort him, to help him through such a hard time because she was such a good friend. He was going to savor it anyways. He could see her painted nails where her hand was splayed out over his stomach, and he couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she was. Every single part of her, every last strand of hair, down to each of her fingers. She was Olivia. He turned his attention to the tv, half heartedly watching what was on. From her breathing, it felt like Liv was asleep. She felt so safe, so steady. She was keeping him above water when he felt like he was drowning. He had no idea how he could ever possibly show her how grateful he was, how he could repay her for throwing him this lifeline. He knew without her help, he’d still be laying on the couch, not eating, not drinking, not taking a shower, not doing anything to care for himself. 

“This is cozy.” Liv’s voice startled him, but made him laugh all the same. “Do you know what time it is?” she asked. He blinked, craning his head to look at a clock. 

“Eleven,” he whispered, his voice still gravelly from sleep. Liv’s hand rubbed over his stomach for a second, soothing circles to keep him calm. 

“Do you feel any better than earlier?” she murmured, and he nodded.

“Thank you,” he whispered. She gave him one last gentle squeeze before she let go of him. He wanted to beg her to stay, but he didn’t. Instead, he slowly sat up, stretching. “I think I’m gonna go get some sleep,” he whispered. 

“I’m gonna stay home with you tomorrow too just to make sure,” she said, and he started to argue, but she gave him a scathing look that shut his mouth. “Just one more day to make sure you don’t need any extra help after the anesthesia.” 

“Okay,” he finally relented. “Please do some work though. I can entertain myself.” 

“Deal,” she said. 

“I’m gonna head to bed,” he finally said, standing up. He slowly walked back towards the bathroom, washing up, washing his hair before going to bed. He laid on his side, awake, trying not to obsess or freak himself out over everything. It seemed like when he let himself over think, that was when it was the worst. Liv was doing such a good job talking him down, keeping him calm, and he wished that somehow he could have been there for her when she needed it. Everything that was going on with him now constantly felt like too much to handle, but he was trying so hard to hold on, to believe Liv, that things were going to improve. He just couldn’t believe that he let that happen, any of it. It hurt so bad to think about. He had allowed Marc into his life, and it ended in catastrophe, and it was all because he was lonely. He shut his eyes, trying not to spiral into self blame once more. He had been doing it so often recently. He felt himself slowly drifting off as he finally calmed down, relaxing into the bed and slipping off into a dreamless sleep. 

………………………………..

The sound of the door clicking open woke Rafael up almost immediately. He had been trying not to use his sleeping pills as much, but he often was jumpy and slept poorly. He shifted around, looking up over his shoulder, and for a brief moment he was terrified. He was sure it was Marc coming to pin him down, climb on top of him, maybe even to kill him. A sniffle tore him from his thoughts. “Mommy?” He recognized that voice, sitting up as Noah stumbled into the bedroom. He was wiping his face, and as Rafael turned on the light, he could see the red blotchy spots. It took Noah a few moments to realize Liv wasn’t in there. 

“Hey Buddy, what’s wrong?” Rafael said softly, and Noah took a step back. 

“M’sorry Uncle Rafa,” he mumbled, hiding his face. 

“No, no, no, come here hombrecito, it’s alright,” he said, kneeling down on the floor. Noah hesitated a moment before he ran into Rafael’s arms, pressing his face against his Uncle’s shirt. Rafael ran a hand through noah’s curls, rubbing his back and holding him close as he cried. “Shh, I’m right here. It’s gonna be okay.” Noah’s hands twisted up in Rafael’s shirt, clutching at him. Rafael rocked him gently, pressing his lips to the top of Noah’s head, “What happened little man?” Noah sniffled, pulling back and looking at Rafael, red eyes and snot sticking to his skin. Rafael brushed the curls from his face, rubbing Noah’s back. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you up,” he whispered, hand screwed up into a fist as he scrubbed at his eyes. “I thought Mommy was….” he trailed off, his little lip quivering and it broke Rafael’s heart. 

“Don’t apologize Noah. I’m here now, and I’ll listen if you’ll tell me what’s wrong,” he said gently. Noah bit his lip, so Rafael gently tilted Noah’s face up so he could look him in the eyes. “You can take all the time you need, but maybe we can move onto the bed where it’s more comfortable. Do you want some water?” Noah nodded softly. Rafael lifted him up onto the bed before going to get some water and a little snack to cheer Noah up. He cut up an apple, returning to the bedroom to find Noah with his legs pulled up onto the bed, holding tight to Eddie. Rafael took a seat beside him, rubbing his back and handing him the cup. “Sip that,” he murmured. Noah let go of Eddie to take the cup, and his elephant fell face first onto the bed. “You want an apple slice?” Noah nodded, taking the fruit and munching on it. Rafael grabbed a few tissues, waiting patiently for Noah to say something, but the little boy was quiet. He absolutely couldn’t have that. “Hey, Noah?” he whispered, making his eyes go comically wide. “You hear that?” Noah frowned. 

“What?” Noah whispered. 

“You gotta listen real close,” Rafael said before he started making exaggerated snoring noises. “I think Eddie fell asleep,” he whispered before doing it again, and Noah started giggling. It was like music to Rafael’s ears. He gently mopped the wetness from Noah’s cheeks, handing him the tissue so he could blow his nose. 

“Uncle Rafa?” Noah whispered, and Rafael nodded, waiting for him to go on, “I had a bad dream.” Rafael had a feeling that was the issue. He was all too familiar with how terrifying dreams could actually be. 

“I’m sorry Noah, I know that had to be scary,” he said gently. “But that’s over now. All of it wasn’t real.” 

“It felt real. It made me sad and scared,” Noah mumbled. Rafael handed him another apple slice. 

“Wanna hear a secret?” Rafael whispered, and Noah nodded. “I have had plenty of very bad, very scary dreams, but what’s most important is when you wake up, you take a deep breath and you remember that now it’s over and everything is okay. It’s alright to be scared. I’m glad you came in here,” he said. “Come here.” He opened his arms, and Noah cuddled up with him, leaning against Rafael’s side, and he gently stroked Noah’s arm and his shoulder, holding him tight. “It’s okay now.” 

“You have bad dreams?” Noah asked, looking up at Rafael with shiny, blue eyes. Rafael nodded slightly. “Are they about the bad man?” Rafael looked down at the comforter for a moment before nodding again. 

“Sometimes,” he whispered. 

“My dream was about the bad man too.” Rafael’s head snapped up at Noah’s words. “He hurt you again, and you died, and I was really sad.” Rafael swallowed hard. 

“Oh Noah,” he whispered, squeezing him closer. “He won’t hurt me, not again. Your Mom is making sure of it.” 

“Promise?” Noah asked, holding up his pinkie, so Rafael offered up his own, intertwining the digits. 

“I promise,” he said. Noah finished the apples, talking with Rafael, and he made sure the little boy brushed his teeth before he started to walk him back towards his bed. Noah stopped at the door, holding onto Rafael’s hand. 

“I don’t want to,” he whispered, looking up at Rafael with pleading eyes. It was no question. Rafael scooped him up, carrying him back to Liv’s bed. He hoped she wouldn’t mind. He curled up in bed, Noah beside him, and he shut the light off, kissing the top of Noah’s head. 

“Night little man. I love you,” he murmured. 

“Love you too Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered. Rafael had never felt more important in his whole life. He couldn’t imagine his life without Liv who he would never stop loving, and Noah who was a light when he felt like he was trapped in the dark. Noah made him feel like he was lovable, like he was worth something, and that meant the most. 

 


	7. Chapter 7

Liv burst into the room, breathing a sigh of relief when she saw her son cuddled up next to Rafael in bed. She had almost had a panic attack when she walked into Noah’s bedroom and found it empty. They made for quite the sight, Rafael on his back, his left arm wrapped around a pillow. Noah was curled up against Rafael’s right side, his uncle’s arm wrapped around him. Noah clutched Eddie who was resting on Rafael’s stomach. Rafael blinked apparently waking up from the noise. “Sorry,” he whispered. “Someone had a nightmare and forgot you weren’t in here.” 

“It’s alright. I just panicked for a second,” she said softly. “I think he can sleep for another half hour, poor kid.” 

“He was scared,” he said, easing out of bed and following Liv. “He--He’s worried about Marc hurting me again.” 

“Rafa, don’t you dare feel bad about that,” Liv said softly. “You can’t help what happened to you.” 

“I just wish he wouldn’t worry about me,” Rafael whispered. “I hate him being upset because of me.” 

“It’s just because he cares,” Liv said. “He loves you a whole lot,” Rafael smiled, blushing slightly. “Want some breakfast?” 

“I’ll make it,” he whispered, going to the kitchen. Liv watched as he started pulling out bread and eggs from the fridge. He combined milk, eggs and vanilla in a bowl, and added cinnamon. 

“Wow Rafa, French toast. That’s fancy,” she said, coming in to help him. He glared though, 

“I can make french toast on my own Liv. I’m not completely useless,” he whispered. She held her hands up in defense, leaning against the counter and allowing him to work on his own. He worked fast, and soon there was a whole plate of french toast ready to be eaten. Liv went back to her bedroom, gently shaking Noah awake. He whined at first, rubbing his eyes, but then he got out of bed finally. 

“Uncle Rafa made you breakfast, so let’s go get dressed and then eat,” she said. Noah followed her back to his own bedroom, getting ready for school before heading out to the table where Rafael had his breakfast already cut up. Noah went a little crazy with the syrup, but she let him. After he ate, Lucy picked him up and took him to school while Liv sat with Rafael in the living room, “How are you feeling now?” she asked. 

“Okay,” he whispered, “I think I’m going to lay down for a bit.” 

“Alright Rafa, I’ll be out here if you need me,” she told him. He nodded, going back into the bedroom and taking a seat on the bed. He tiredly rubbed his face, feeling exhausted. He was also feeling overheated, so he stripped out of his shirt, scooting back on the bed and leaning against his pillows. He pulled out his phone, scrolling through his email and sighing when he saw all the messages. Some of them were short well wishes from other ADAs, a sweet message from Carmen, work related emails on cases that he wasn’t a part of anymore. He closed his email, looking through the dozens of text messages, mostly from some group chat Carisi set up that included Liv, Fin, and Amanda. He had a few voicemails as well, one from his mother that he ignored, and then the unknown voicemail he hadn’t even listened to yet. He clicked on it, bringing his phone up to his ear. The voice that filtered through the speaker made him freeze. 

_ “Hey baby, I miss you so much right now. I can’t stop thinking about your sweet ass and your pretty little mouth and how good you feel. I’m sorry I’ve been away for so long, and I’m hoping to see you real soon sweetheart. I know you miss me.”  _ The phone slipped from Rafael’s hand, falling to the bed beside him. His throat felt completely blocked, like it was tightening more and more by the minute. He couldn’t breathe, like an elephant was on his chest, crushing him. His vision was tunneling, white noise overwhelming him. He was spiraling into a panic attack. His mouth opened, but nothing came out. He wanted to scream. Tears built up in his eyes, starting to drip down his cheeks. He needed Liv. He didn’t feel like he could possibly stand up, so he would have to find a way to make his voice work. It felt like his head was swimming, but he forced himself to take a deep breathe, to remember he wasn’t dying even though it felt like he was and he managed to squeak out a soft, 

“Liv,” he called, but it wasn’t nearly loud enough. He grimaced, taking a deep breath once more before he let out a strangled scream, “L-Liv?!” It took a few long minutes, but then she was rushing into the room, wrapped in a towel and dripping wet. He couldn’t even bring himself to feel bad. He was far too panicked, “Liv,” this time it was a wet little sobbing noise, and she was sitting down beside him, one hand keeping the towel up, the other going to his shoulder, 

“Hey, hey, Rafa.” Her voice cut through the white noise, her eyes meeting his, “What’s wrong? What happened?” He didn’t even feel like he could say it, so instead, with shaking fingers, he turned the volume up on his phone, playing it for her. Marc’s voice tormented him. Listening to the message again was like torture. “Okay, just try and breathe Rafael. It’s going to be okay,” she whispered, trying to get his attention, to get him to look at her. “It’s going to be alright.” 

“Nothing is alright,” he whispered. “He’s never going to stop this,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. Liv reached out for his hand, grabbing it and squeezing, 

“He can’t do anything to you now,” she promised. She stood up, “I’m just going to put some clothes on. I will be right back. Can you sit here for a minute while I do that?” He wanted to beg her to stay and hold him. Being alone for even a minute made him feel like the world was going to end, but he forced himself to nod, grabbing for a pillow and hugging it to his chest. As she left the room, his phone buzzed. She stopped, looking back at him, and he opened his phone clicking on the text message. It took him a moment to realize what it was, but he let out a horrified noise, dropping his phone on the bed. Over a dozen pictures of him and Marc, when he was passed out. Explicit photos. He thought he was going to be sick. Tears were now burning his throat, a heavy sting that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he swallowed. “Rafa, what happened?” Liv’s voice was soft, gentle, but he couldn’t seem to find any words until she started to reach for the phone. 

“No!” his voice was sharp, “Please Liv, please don’t look. I don’t want you to see me like that.” She met his eyes, putting a hand on his thigh. He couldn’t help but start sobbing, and Liv pulled him close, his back pressed against against her chest, her arms around him, stroking over his bare stomach, trying to calm him down. He was breathless, shaking, choking on his own sobs. Seeing himself in that position, limp and bent over as Marc violated him. His mouth forced open, Marc holding his head steady. His eyes were clearly closed, his body flat on the bed. At least he knew for sure what those bruises were from. Liv’s hands were soft, trailing across his chest, over his pecs, rubbing soft circles as he clutched at the bed. 

“Rafa, you’ve got to breathe,” she whispered. “I know this is hard for you, but whatever happened, you and I are going to figure it out together, okay?” He just pressed his face into the mattress. Those pictures, Marc had to have taken more, probably some sort of video too, and what if they ended up on the internet? What if his mother saw them? He didn’t even want Liv to look. Her hand rubbed up and down his side, “Hey. I won’t look at anything you don’t want me to. I understand, but let’s try to breathe together before we handle the problem.” He nodded, gasping in breaths. He grabbed for her hand that was wrapped around his midsection and clutched it tight in his own. “Okay, let’s count. This is something I learned in therapy. Breath in four, hold for 7, and then out for 8,” she whispered. He tried his best to match her breathing, and he felt himself starting to calm down a little bit, the icy panic receding, but he was still sobbing uncontrollably. He rolled over in Liv’s arms, pressing his face against her bare shoulder, wet skin sticking to his own. Her hands brushed over the back of his head, down his neck and to his back. He clung tight, and she shushed him softly, “It’s all gonna be alright Rafa,” 

“No it won’t,” he mumbled, scrunching himself up. He turned his head so his face was pressed against her neck, and he breathed in her perfume. The smell was faint, but it was comforting to him. 

“You can take as much time as you need, but then you and I are going to talk, okay?” she whispered. He didn’t answer. Instead, he pressed himself closer to her, feeling like he was going to die. He wished someone would just put him out of his misery. Liv’s hands brushing over his skin made him  feel more relaxed, but it hurt so bad inside. He felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Liv,” he whispered, “I can’t do this.” 

“Rafael, we both know that is absolutely not true. This may be hard, but we are going to get through this together. You and me. You aren’t alone,” she promised him. He sniffled, trying desperately to calm down for her. He hated feeling like his whole life was crumbling, but it was almost a daily occurance now. Finally, he felt like he could talk again. He pulled back a little bit, wanting to give Liv her space, but he wanted nothing more than to prolong the physical contact. She moved back just a little bit, and it was then that he noticed her state of undress. He couldn’t help but swallow heavily, sniffling and looking down. In a way, he was almost glad he was in distress because otherwise he might have another, completely separate, extremely mortifying situation. 

“Liv,” he whispered, starting to cry again. He pressed his face against his knees, trying to breathe in deeply and keep himself calm. She rubbed his shoulder, scooting closer again, 

“Rafa, come on, just tell me exactly what’s wrong. I can’t help if you don’t talk to me,” she said, trying to drag it out of him. She wrapped her arm around his back and he leaned into her again, hyper aware of how awkward it was, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He needed the physical contact. He needed her arms around him. “Rafa,” she murmured. “It’s going to be okay, I’m here for you. You matter. You’re loved. What Marc says to you doesn’t matter. I’m personally going to put the handcuffs on him so tight his hands will turn purple.” He sniffled, but he laughed just a little bit. He knew Liv would certainly follow through on that. 

“Liv it’s bad. It’s really, really, really bad,” he whispered. He forked a hand through his hair. 

“No matter how bad it is, you got through the assault Rafa. You survived. You can do this. I promise,” she told him, rubbing his back. “I believe in you. Can you believe in me for a second, and please tell me what’s wrong?” 

“He sent me……” Rafael trailed off, a sob breaking his voice. He couldn’t look at her. “He sent me pictures.” Liv waited for him to continue, but he didn’t feel like he could find his voice. He didn’t feel like he could say anymore. Liv’s hand ghosted over the back of his neck and through his hair, nails scraping across his scalp gently. She was trying desperately to calm him down enough to tell her, but there was something holding him back, and she wasn’t sure what to say to make him trust her. He was obviously terrified, and she could guess that the pictures had to do with that. 

“Please Rafa, please let me help you,” she said, and he nodded, still crying. He leaned his head on her shoulder, sniffling and trying to hold himself together. 

“They were pictures of me and him when I was….when I was passed out,” he said, dragging his fingers through his hair once more, leaning his head into his hands. He couldn’t breathe. 

“Okay, okay Rafa,” she whispered, holding him close and hushing him as he melted down in her arms. “I won’t look at anything you don’t want me to Rafa. I promise you. It’s your choice. Nothing in those pictures could possibly change how I view you. You are still my best friend. You are still Rafa. You are still there for Noah. This changes absolutely nothing.” 

“What if he puts them on the internet Liv. What if my Mom sees?” He could only pull away and curl up on his side, feeling hopeless. That was his worst nightmare. 

“If you’ll let me, we can call TARU, we can get Carisi down here to get the phone. He will take it straight to TARU, and they will try and track Marc down before something like that could happen,” she told him, but he was shaking his head.

“I don’t want anyone to see these pictures,” he whispered. “It’s disgusting. I can’t even breathe when I look at them Liv.” He covered his face, clutching his phone in his other hand as he sobbed. Liv hushed him and rubbed his back, waiting for him to calm down. He was miserable though, and he didn’t feel like it was ever going to get better. “I don’t want to do this anymore Liv.” 

“Don’t say that. I know this is tough, but it’s going to get better. I promise,” she murmured, laying down behind him again, and her arms snaked around his midsection once more. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing himself to wake up from this nightmare. He wanted it to stop. He wanted everything to stop spiraling out of control. Liv leaned over, whispering softly to him, hands rubbing circles over his bare skin. “Rafa, you are bigger than this. None of this defines you, especially not these pictures just like my scars from Lewis don’t define me.” He grabbed at her hand, trying to ground himself again. He couldn’t breathe. He needed her. He couldn’t get through without her. “Do you hear me?” 

“Liv I can’t stop,” he mumbled. “I need to, I need to stop.” 

“Focus on me Rafa. Focus,” she mumbled. “Focus on my hands, touching your skin, my arms around you, breathe in and feel the cool air in your nostrils, the cool sheets on your bare skin. Can you tell me what day it is?” 

“M--Monday? I don’t know,” he mumbled. 

“That’s right Rafa, it’s Monday and it’s December. What’s in two weeks?” she asked. 

“Christmas,” he whispered, feeling tense, but then he started to relax, he started to feel less like he wasn’t in his own body. He started to feel like Rafael again, to feel like he might get through. 

“Can you look in this room for me and find something for each color in the rainbow?” she whispered. He tried to force his brain to work with him, to sort through the foggy panic and think. 

“R-Red book,” he whispered. “Orange, orange,” he blinked, grabbing a handful of the blanket. “Orange…..” he laughed softly. “You have nothing orange,” he whispered. Liv laughed softly too. “Yellow picture frame,” he was already feeling better, feeling calmer. “Okay, okay,” he whispered. “You really think this is gonna be okay?” 

“Sit up, I’m gonna show you something,” she whispered. He felt like a lump on the bed, unable to move, but he tried anyways for her, dragging himself up so he could lean against the headboard, his phone resting face down on his thigh. She sat close to him, her knees brushing against his. “I’m going to show you this because I trust you,” she said softly, putting a hand on his thigh. She pulled her towel aside carefully, exposing an ugly scar on her leg. He was sure she thought it was ugly at least, but to him, it was just another part of Liv. It was a part of what made her who she was. What made her the woman he loved. He admired her ability to get through everything and still be herself. He wasn’t sure if he could ever be that strong. “This is one of the scars that isn’t ever going to go away,” she whispered. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t still be Olivia. Now it’s part of me, but it’s not all of me Rafa.” He felt tears pricking his eyes, hating the thought of her being in so much pain ever. “It may be ugly, but I’m more than it.” He shook his head immediately, grabbing for her hand and pulling it against his chest, holding it over his heart.

“It’s not ugly Liv,” he whispered. “It’s a part of you, so it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful, inside and out.” He squeezed her hand, and they shared a moment, their gazes locked. He hesitated a moment before looking back down at his lap, blushing. He wiped at his eyes a second before he grabbed his phone, toying with it for a moment, “Is this some ‘I show you mine, you show me yours’ sort of game?” he whispered, eyeing her with a sparkle of humor in his eyes. She was glad to see it. To see a part of him still intact. He opened his phone up, handing it over. “I trust you,” he said. She took the phone from his hands, scrolling through the photos. He appreciated her efforts to keep a straight face, but he could see the tension, and he knew it hurt her to see him like that. Like it hurt him to see her scars, to know she had to endure the pain that formed them. 

“Rafa,” her voice was soft. “Is it okay if I call TARU?” He felt tears building again. He didn’t want to say yes. He didn’t want people to see him like that, but he knew if Liv thought it was a good idea, he could trust her. 

“Is that what you think I should do?” he whispered, pulling his knees up again and leaning his head down. Liv rubbed his back softly, 

“It is what I think you should do Rafa, but it’s your choice. I won’t do anything without your permission,” she murmured. He went quiet again, feeling his breathing pick up, “You don’t have to decide now. Let’s try to keep calm,” she said gently, pulling him close again. He let her guide him to curl up in her lap, and she gently ran her fingers through his hair trying to keep him calm, to comfort him as he cried. It was hard to make so many decisions, to feel like everything was falling apart around him, and he did trust her, but could he trust everyone else? The detectives would see him, people he worked with would see him, and he wasn’t sure if he could make himself do that. “Shhh, I know. I know this is hard. Focus on your breathing.” He couldn’t help the soft weeping sound that escaped him. Her hand ghosted over his spine, down his back and rubbed in little circles, 

“Why does everything have to go wrong?” he whispered. “Why does he continue to hurt me? It’s not fair.” 

“I know Rafa, I know it’s not fair,” she said, smoothing his hair back. He shut his eyes, his lips quivering. He felt like he was going to be sick again. Her hands were soft on his skin, and it made him feel warmer, safer. 

“If you call TARU, everyone is going to see it,” he whispered, and she sighed, brushing some more hair away from his face. 

“No they won’t. It will be kept private. It won’t get out,” she said. 

“You don’t know that Liv,” he said, pressing his face against her leg, tears dripping from his face onto her skin. 

“No, I’m not a fortune teller, but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure only the people who need to see the pictures will see them, okay?” she whispered. He nodded. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m just scared.” 

“I know. I know this is so scary,” she said. “But this might be the way we catch him Rafael. Can you take that leap for me?” 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, covering his face. “I’m sorry.” He just felt numb. Liv held him as he stared off at the wall, unable to bring himself to make any decision. He felt petrified. As he lay there, Liv took a look at his phone again, sighing. There were so many pictures. Pictures from when he was passed out, and she wasn’t sure if he had noticed the pictures that appeared to have been taken sometime after Rafael was attacked. Pictures of him getting out of her car, of them both, pictures of them at the park. She was going to have to keep an eye out when they were in public. While she certainly didn’t think Marc took those pictures, someone was obviously following them. That would be a solid lead if she could find who it was. She didn’t want to upset him further, so she didn’t mention the extra pictures. He seemed despondent and truly unsure of what to do. Liv held him, continuing to brush her fingers through his hair and whisper to him for hours, but he was shutting down. When it was starting to get late, she eased out from under him, promising to be back in a little bit. She wanted to quickly put some clothes on, but she didn’t want to leave him alone for too long. He also needed to drink something. She grabbed a water bottle first from the fridge, and she was slipping into a tee shirt and panties when she heard him practically scream. She sighed, figuring it would have to do as she rushed back to him. He was clutching his phone, his face red and blotchy with tears, and he rolled over, hiding his face against the comforter. She sat beside him, 

“Hey,” she whispered, trying to get his attention, but he was just mumbling something under his breath, “Hey, Rafa,” she tried again, smoothing her hand over his shoulder blade and down his back. “Rafael listen to me,” she whispered. 

“No,” he whispered, “No, no, no, no, no. This can’t be happening,” 

“Rafa, listen to me,” she repeated. He finally stopped, looking up at her with watery, green eyes. His looked absolutely miserable. 

“He has someone watching me,” he said, and she sighed, her hand cupping his cheek, forcing him to look her in the eyes. 

“I will keep you safe,” she said, looking him right in the eyes. She wiped a few tears from his face, “I promise.” All he could do was nod, but he was still crying. He pulled away a little bit, grabbed a pillow and pressing his face into before he let out a scream. Liv ran her hand down his neck and back once more, trying to soothe him as he let out all his pent up emotions. He screamed again before he dissolved into sobs, shaking as he clutched the pillow like it was his life preserver. It felt like forever before she managed to calm him down enough to drink some water. He sat, knees tucked up against his chest as he sipped at the drink. She got him a cool washcloth, trying to wipe some of the wetness from his face to help the irritation. He was in no shape to do anything, and she wasn’t sure how he would react with Noah around. She honestly didn’t think it was a very good idea. Rafael would need most of her attention, so when he was sitting on the bed despondently, she found her own phone, calling Rollins. It rang a few times before the detective picked up. 

“Rollins,” she said softly. “It’s Liv. I need you to do me a big favor.” 

“Shoot,” Amanda said. Liv peaked back into the bedroom. He was just staring at the wall now, the bottle of water gripped loosely and forgotten in his hand, the opposite arm wrapped around a pillow, pinning it to his chest. 

“I have a situation here with Rafael, and I really don’t think it’s the best thing for Noah to be home tonight. Is there any way you could watch him? I can have Lucy drop him off at your place,” she explained, feeling exhausted by the day’s events. 

“Oh Liv, of course. Do you need me to send Carisi or Fin over to help?” she asked, but Liv didn’t think Rafael would respond well to that at all. 

“No, no, I think I’ve got it handled,” she said softly, “But um, Noah might be upset. I’ll have my phone on me--” 

“Liv?” his voice was hoarse and sounded fragile. 

“I’ll have my phone, call if you need me. Thanks Rollins,” she said before hanging up as she headed towards the bedroom. Rafael was now clutching the pillow with both arms, the water bottle in one of his hands. “Hey,” she whispered. “What’s wrong?” 

“Liv, I’m so….I’m so terrified,” he said. Liv sat beside him, putting a hand on his thigh. 

“You need to just breathe Raf, breathe,” she told him, trying to pull him back from the brink of panic. Never in her wildest dreams would she have imagined seeing him reduced to this, and she wished she could find a way to make him feel better. “What do you need right now?” 

“You can call them,” he whispered, tears starting to leak down his cheeks. She was so proud of him for making that decision despite how terrified she knew he was. 

“I am so, so proud of you,” she whispered. He nodded, pressing his face against the pillow. She pulled her phone out, dialing Carisi’s number. 

“Hey Lieu, talk fast. Fin and I are on the way to the hospital to meet a vic,” he said. She cursed softly at the timing. 

“Carisi, as soon as you can I need you to come to my apartment and get Rafael’s phone. It needs to go straight to TARU,” she said. “I’ll call them,” 

“Will do Lieutenant,” Carisi said. Liv hung up, turning back to Rafael who still looked miserable. 

“Come on, you should get something small to eat,” she suggested. He silently followed her out to the living room, curling up on the couch. She made him a turkey sandwich which he picked at quietly. After awhile though, he grew restless, standing up and starting to pace around, running a shaking hand through his hair. Liv couldn’t tell if he was nervous, upset, or angry. He paced for a few moments before sitting back down and curling up against her. He cried some more, staying in her arms for a bit until he shot up again. It was back and forth, never sitting still. 

……………………………..

Rafael was pacing. It felt like his anxiety was going to kill him, the panic making his chest tighten. He felt like he was going to be sick. He had barely touched the sandwich Liv made him, and now he was going back and forth from her to pacing. It felt like his emotions were everywhere. Fear, misery, distress, and he was starting to feel angry. How dare Marc violate him, attack him, and then have the nerve to call him. Rafael was so done with his manipulation, his mind games. He was done with the whole situation. He was absolutely done with being a victim. He never wanted to be victimized ever again. It was like a little spark that was growing inside him with every passing moment. At times it flickered, dampening to sadness once more, but the anger would return, growing more and more until he was clenching his hands at his side. It was getting close to dinner time, and he still was still wearing the clothes he wore to bed. Liv was sitting on the couch, scarcely clothed as well, just as they had been all day because of Marc. 

Marc had reduced him to a sniveling, pathetic man, and he hated him for it. He hated him with a burning rage. That was usually an emotion he reserved for his father. It was bad enough that Marc raped him, but to take pictures, to pretend he hadn’t done a thing wrong, that it was normal to be calling Rafael, promising to see him soon. Rafael hated him for the nightmares, for every tear he shed, for every day he couldn’t be out helping people. He hated Marc for ruining his life. He was sick and tired of feeling pathetic, of sitting on the couch and crying his eyes out almost daily. He was just starting to feel better, and there Marc was to fuck everything up all over again. The rage built and built inside of him before he lashed out, smacking books off the shelf, scattering toys and blocks with a strangled cry. “Hey,” Liv’s voice was sharp. “Rafa stop.” He wasn’t listening though, and he knocked a lamp off the table, shattering the bulb. He wanted to break everything, to scream until his voice was hoarse. He was so mad. 

“Who the fuck does he think he is?” he growled, but Liv was right in front of him, grabbing his wrists, stopping his violent outbursts, her soft brown eyes meeting his green ones. 

“Hey. Stop it. You need to cool off Rafael,” she said sharply, trying to snap him out of it before he hurt himself. He pulled away though, still feeling enraged, and he couldn’t ever hurt her. He needed his space. He backed up, turning and landing a punch on the wall. It wasn’t nearly hard enough to break anything, but it got some of his frustration out. He clutched at his hand though, the pain radiating up from his knuckles to above his wrist. A knock sounded out throughout the apartment, and Rafael was standing in the middle of the apartment, clutching at his wrist. “Stop that,” Liv hissed, glaring at him. “I am going to put on some pants, let Carisi in, and then you need to calm down.” He scowled, ripping the door open to allow the detective in. Carisi’s eyes went wide when he saw Rafael scowling at him. Sonny’s eyes were trained on the phone that was in a death grip in Rafael’s hand. 

“Are you just gonna sit there and stare at me, or are you going to come inside some time today?” Rafael snapped, glaring. He couldn’t help but raise his hand, wanting nothing more than to chuck the phone across the room. He could feel Carisi’s gaze on him, and he felt more than a little spiteful. “You want the phone Carisi?” he said, “You better catch it.” Liv appeared just in time to grab his wrist and glare at him again, snatching the phone, 

“You go cool off right now,” she said, her tone murderous, so Rafael stalked off towards the bathroom to try and clean himself up a little bit incase he needed to talk to anyone about the pictures. There was rage building inside him, increasing by the minute. When he made it to the bathroom, he looked at himself in the mirror, feeling disgusted. He was a mess, skin red and swollen, the tears irritating his skin. He clenched his jaw, sick and tired of feeling like this. He hated being weak, being the victim, sulking all day and crying. He was done. Red flashed before his eyes, and the next thing he knew there was a crashing noise and his hand was burning with pain. White flashed before his eyes, pain overwhelming his senses, his vision clearing just enough for him to see a bloody mess on his hand, glass shards sticking out from his skin. “Holy fuck,” he growled, cursing at himself. 

“Rafael, what the fuck?” Liv’s voice startled him. “What the hell did you do?” she gasped, grabbing for his hand. 

“I’m fine,” he muttered, pulling his hand back, but she leveled him with a death stare. 

“Listen here, you better drop the attitude with me. This needs medical attention, and if you don’t think so, you’re off your rocker Rafael. Hold still for a moment,” she said sternly. He clenched his other hand, letting her look over his knuckles. “What the hell were you thinking?” she whispered. 

“I’m tired of this Olivia. I’m tired of being pathetic. I’m tired of him fucking with me. I am so sick and tired of everything,” he growled. 

“Come on, we need to get you to the car,” she whispered after a few moments of silence. He shook his head, 

“What the fuck is the point?” he mumbled. 

“Rafa, I swear to god, if you don’t get your ass down to my car….” she trailed off, leveling him with a sharp glare, but he just narrowed his eyes for a second, muttering under his breath before letting her shove him towards the door. Carisi was still in the living room, his eyes wide as he looked at Rafael’s bloody hand. “Carisi, can you please drive us to the hospital? Someone decided to put his hand through my mirror.” Carisi’s eyes went wide, but he nodded, sealing Rafael’s phone in an evidence bag before he grabbed the keys and rushed out to start the car. Liv started to help him out of the apartment after getting him into a shirt and some shorts. She never imagined she might see him in flip flops. He was wincing as he walked with her, and she shook her head, “You deserve that, you dumbass.” 

He shivered when they took a step out into the cold air, and she regretted not putting him in some pants or grabbing a coat for either of them, but his accident had her all off-kilter. She certainly had not expected him to start breaking things, much less putting his hand through her mirror. Now he was bent over, clutching at his hand and groaning as the adrenaline wore off. She ran her hand down his back, trying to calm him down. “Shit, Liv,” he whispered, “Oh my God. I’m sorry about the mirror, I’m sorry.” 

“Shh, don’t worry about that right now,” she told him softly.“Breathe through the pain. We’re gonna be there soon. Carisi turn on the damn sirens and hurry up.” He leaned his face against her, sweating profusely. He was gasping in air, still grabbing at his own hand, trying to stem the pain. “Shhh,” she mumbled, running her fingers through his hair. “It’s gonna be alright Rafa.” Her fingers slid down his neck, rubbing gently under his shirt and comforting him through the pain. “It’s alright, we’re almost there.” He was pale and shaking. “Okay, you need to talk to me. Carisi, do you have a jacket?” 

“L-Liv,” he mumbled, “I feel--I feel cold.” 

“Hey, it’s gonna be alright,” she said softly. Sonny tossed her back his suit jacket that was in the passenger seat, and she wrapped it around Rafael’s shoulders. “We’re almost there. It’s okay.” It didn’t take long for Carisi to pull into the parking lot, and he helped her get Rafael out of the car. She felt better when they had him sitting in the waiting room, his head leaned on her shoulder as Carisi talked with the receptionist. They took him back fairly quickly, hooking him up to an IV and raising his feet up. He was shivering still, but he started to look better and better. She held his hand while they examined his knuckles. He gasped, his eyes squeezed shut. She wasn’t allowed to follow him down to x-ray, so she waited nervously in the room for him for come back. She was furious with him for hurting his hand, but she also felt his pain. Sometimes it was so hard to figure out what to do with all the pain, and admittedly, she was happy to see reactions that reminded her of her best friend. The pacing was certainly something that he did often. She couldn’t help but laugh softly despite her fear, despite her tears. She couldn’t believe she was crying over his hand, but seeing him in so much pain hurt her. She tried to stop as they wheeled him in, but he saw them. He looked much more relaxed, much more comfortable, 

“Hey, come over here,” he whispered. He patted the bed beside him, and she took a seat, letting him grab her hand. He squeezed softly, “Don’t cry for me Liv,” he murmured. 

“You look better,” she whispered, cupping his cheek, turning his face towards hers so she could look at his eyes, so she could assure herself he was alright. “How do you feel?” 

“Okay,” he mumbled, “They gave me some morphine.” 

“Good, I’m glad you’re feeling better then,” she whispered, “If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I will kick your ass Rafa.” He laughed softly, wincing as the plastic surgeon started looking over his hand again. 

“I don’t doubt that you will,” he said softly, groping around for her hand as they began to try and clean up some of the blood. 

“We’re going to flush your hand with a saline solution, and we’ll take it from there in order to remove the shards of glass. You are very lucky Mr. Barba, you could have done some serious soft tissue damage, but most of the wounds appear to be superficial,” the doctor said. “Once your x-ray comes back, we may need to put your hand in a cast,” Rafael scowled. 

“You don’t get to complain about any of this,” Liv said, glaring again. “You did this to yourself.” He rolled his eyes, but then he suddenly pressed his face against her, groaning softly. 

“Ahhhh, oh shit,” he whispered. 

“Okay, I’m going to get a few extra hands over here, and we’re going to take care of your hand,” the doctor said. Liv stroked his arm as he tried to catch his breath and calm down. She was about to try to make a joke or comfort him in some way when her phone started buzzing. She pulled it out, seeing three missed calls from Rollins and her heart started racing. Rafael noticed immediately. She brought the phone up to her ear, and she heard screaming in the background, 

“Rollins, what is going on?” she asked. 

“Liv, I’m sorry, but Noah is freaking out. He thinks Barba is dying or something. I can’t get him to calm down,” Amanda said, sounding distressed. 

“I’m sorry, please put him on the phone,” she said, forking a tired hand through her hair. Noah’s voice was watery when he spoke, 

“Mommy?” he whispered, 

“Hey sweet boy,” she said back. He sniffled loudly, 

“Mommy, I want to come home,” he said, and she felt awful. Rafael was staring at her. She tried to keep her voice down, not wanting to alarm him or make him feel bad. 

“I know Noah, but not tonight,” she said softly. 

“Why not. Why can’t I come home!? I want to see Uncle Rafa. Is he dying?” Noah sobbed, starting to hyperventilate. 

“No, no, no, Noah, he’s alright. He just needs a little extra help right now. I promise. You know I wouldn’t lie to you,” Liv said, but Noah continued to cry. “Noah, Noah, please listen to me.” Rafael touched her shoulder, motioning for her to hand him the phone. She sighed, finally relenting and helding it out to him, 

“Noah?” Rafael said softly. 

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah sobbed, “Why can’t I come home? I want to see you and Mommy.” 

“Oh hombrecito, lo siento, I’m so sorry. It’s because I’m having a really, really hard time right now. Do you remember when we talked about you letting me do the worrying? This is one of those times. I don’t want you to worry. You just have fun with Jesse and Aunt Amanda, and I’m gonna see you real soon. Is that okay?” Rafael said softly. Liv was impressed with him and his ability to calm Noah down. 

“Okay Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered, “I’m sorry.” Rafael’s heart broke when Noah started to cry. “I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you.” 

“Hey, no, no, no, Noah,” Rafael sighed. “I’m not upset with you. I promise. Listen to me, none of this is your fault. Here, you want to help me with something?” 

“Okay,” Noah sniffled. 

“Well, I did manage to hurt my hand, and I might have to get a cast, but I’m not sure what color I want. Do you have any suggestions?” he asked. 

“You want my help?” Noah asked, and Rafael laughed a little bit. 

“Who else is gonna help me? I don’t trust your mother’s fashion choices,” he said, and Noah giggled. Liv raised her eyebrows at him, and he gave her a little smirk that she was more than glad to see. “Now what do you say? You think you can help me pick?” 

“Will you let me sign it?” Noah asked, and Rafael couldn’t help but smile. 

“Sure little man, sure,” he said. “And you know what, Eddie can sign it too if he wants,” Noah laughed at that. 

“You’re silly Uncle Rafa,” he said, and Rafael chuckled. He was glad to hear Noah laugh, to hear his tears and sadness fade. It broke his heart to listen to him cry. “I can pick any color I want?” 

“Whatever you want Noah,” he said. Noah only took a couple seconds before he answered, 

“Hot pink and neon green,” Rafael’s jaw almost dropped, and Liv started laughing at his facial expression, 

“You gotta be careful what you promise five year olds,” she said. Rafael swallowed for a second, pausing to collect himself, 

“You sure that’s what you want?” he asked softly, praying Noah might change his mind, 

“You don’t like it?” Noah sounded so sad, and Rafael cursed at himself. 

“No, no, Noah, I do like it. I just wanted to make sure that’s your final answer. I’ll have to check with the doctor just to make sure they can do two colors, but I’ll see what I can do,” he said. 

“Okay. I love you Uncle Rafa,” Noah said softly. 

“Mmhmm, love you too buddy. I’ll see you sometime real soon,” Rafael promised. He managed to get off the phone with Noah, and Liv was barely holding back a snicker. “Don’t.” he said. 

“Spill. What color is Uncle Rafa’s cast gonna be?” she asked. Rafael blushed. 

“Hot pink,” he mumbled, and Liv started laughing, making him scowl, “Shut up,” he groaned, 

“I heard you say two colors, what’s the other?” she asked. 

“Neon green,” he almost said it too soft to hear, but of course Liv heard it and started laughing at him harder. He groaned, “I’m gonna look so incredibly ridiculous, but if it makes him happy.” 

“It will make him very happy Uncle Rafa,” she teased, and he glared once more. 

“Alright, Mr. Barba,” the doctor said, “I’m going to numb your hand so we can debride the wounds. We’ll start with a saline solution, and then we’ll go from there. Does that sound good?” All he could do was nod just slightly. “Can you please sign this paper for me?” Rafael did his best to sign the consent form with his left hand. Rafael felt sick as he watched them start to wash his hand out. He felt that icy panic from earlier creeping up on him, and he groped around for Liv’s hand. She stopped laughing. Her hand was back at his cheek, her touch light as she redirected his gaze on her own. 

“You’re okay. You look right here. Not at that,” she whispered. He nodded, trying to hold back tears. He was so scared. Scared it would hurt, scared Marc would post those pictures, terrified Marc would find him, but her soft brown eyes full of kindness soothed some of the paralyzing anxiety that seemed to consume his life daily. The saline was cold, and he swore he could still feel it stinging, but his hand was numbed. He squeezed Liv’s hand harder, trying to keep himself calm and loose. Tensing up wouldn’t help anything. After what felt like forever where they poured cold liquid over his hand and flushed the wound, the doctor stopped, 

“Alright, a lot of it is out, but I need to get in there and pull out the other shards that are left over. I’m going to go get your x-rays to take a look at those and see where we’re at,” he said. Rafael nodded, but Liv could see how scared he was. She could see it in his eyes, and it terrified her. Rafael was fearless, sometimes to a fault. He considered his options, but often times, he would take the risky route, put himself out on a high, shaky limb to get justice. He was brave. She realized she hadn’t ever told him that. She hadn’t ever told him a lot of things, things that probably would help him at the moment. There had always been this unspoken something between them, and just recently had she realized it was plausible. Recently, she finally let herself see him that way. It was more than just a day dream that had occasionally floated across her mind because she realized he wanted it. He wanted her and her son. She had always seen him as a hero. She had always admired the confident way he strutted around, but more recently, she saw the man inside. The man who was under the designer suits and italian leather shoes. She saw the human inside, and yet he was on the highest pedestal. He made her smile, made her laugh, and he made her son so very happy. And she swore, if it took every last moment in her life, she would get him back to himself. She would make him see that this horrible time in his life would not define him. 

“You are brave Rafa,” she whispered, trying to tell him the things she had been holding back for so long. She had to tell him, “You are the bravest man I’ve ever met, and now is no different. You are so, so very brave and don’t you forget that.” He nodded, tears in his eyes, leaning his face against her shirt. She ran her fingers through his hair again, “Shh, this does not define you. You are strong. You are brave. You will overcome this. Say it with me Rafa,” 

“I--I am strong,” he whispered. “I am brave. I-I’ll overcome this,” 

“Good,” she whispered, “Good. It’s going to be okay. I promise. You just remember that. When things get hard, you say to yourself that you are Rafael Barba and no one can take that from you because you’re brave and strong and you’re going to overcome this.” 

“Why am I so scared Liv? Why can’t I pull myself together?” he whispered. “I feel so broken, so scrambled. I’m all over the damn place.” 

“You’re scared because you’ve been through hell and back Rafa, but you made it. You survived. You are going to feel like yourself again,” she promised. “And I won’t leave your side until I get you there.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you Liv.” He shook until the doctor came back, but when they pulled the glass from his hand, he was brave. 

“Alright Rafael,” the doctor said finishing cleaning his hand. “I’m going to use some surgical glue to close your wounds, and then we’re going to cast your hand and wrist. I’ll go over your x-rays with you, and we should be able to get you out of here.” He nodded, and Liv knew he was too exhausted to do anything else. He looked incredibly tired. “What color are we thinking?” Rafael laughed softly, shaking his head. 

“Um, I have a very worried five year old boy waiting for me, and I allowed him to choose the color. He would like to know if you could possibly do two colors,” he explained. The doctor smiled, 

“Unfortunately, I can’t do two colors on one cast, but we are going to want to take a look at your wounds to ensure healing, so you’re going to end up in a second cast,” the man said. “What color would make your little guy happy?” 

……………………………………………….

Rafael looked like he was falling asleep on his feet as Liv and Sonny helped him back out to the car. He started to get into the car, and the jacket that had been draped over his arm slipped, showing the bright pink cast that was on his arm. Sonny snorted. “Rafael….” he had to stop for a second to keep himself from bursting out laughing. “Do you realize you have a pink cast on your arm?” 

“It’s for Noah, and if you say another word about it, I will cut your tongue out and feed it to you,” Rafael hissed. Sonny’s eyes went wide, and he got into the driver’s seat. Liv crawled in the back beside Rafael. He sniffled, resting his head against the window. 

“What do you need?” she asked softly. 

“I want to visit Noah,” he said softly. “Can I please just give him a hug and promise him everything is going to be okay?” Liv thought about it for a moment, wondering if he was okay enough to be around Noah, but she knew he would never want to hurt her son. Noah had sounded terrified on the phone, and kissing him goodnight sounded better than almost anything in the world. 

“Sonny please take us to Rollins’ house,” Liv said. 

“Sure thing Lieu,” he said. Rafael wrapped his arms around himself, resting his casted hand on his leg. 

“Liv….” he whispered, “Liv, I’m sorry that I did this. I’m sorry that Noah has to stay somewhere else. I’m really, really sorry--” 

“No Rafa. You don’t have to be sorry about anything,” Liv said. “Let’s go say hello to Noah, and then you and I are going to head home and figure this all out together.” 

“Okay,” he whispered. When Sonny pulled up to Amanda’s apartment, Rafael perked up. He smiled as he climbed out of the car, but he still had to lean against the elevator wall as they rode it up to her floor. Amanda answered the door, looking harried, but she grinned when she saw them. 

“Oh, he is going to be so glad to see you both,” she said, letting them inside. She led them to the couch, and Rafael could just see Noah’s curls peeking out over the top. “Noah, someone very special is here to see you.” 

“I don’t want to see anyone,” he whispered. His sad voice hurt Rafael’s heart. He tried to put on his best face, a face that didn’t scream I’ve been crying my eyes out all day and then I punched a mirror. 

“I bet you really don’t want to see your old Uncle Rafa then,” he said softly. Noah was hanging off the couch, his lips raising into a smile. He leaped off, running to Rafael and burying his face in Rafael’s shirt. 

“Uncle Rafa,” he exclaimed. “I love you. I really, really love you. I was so scared.” 

“I know you were buddy, I know. I love you, and I know you were scared. I’m so sorry,” he murmured, holding him close. “I am okay though. I promise.” 

“Can I see your cast?” he asked after a few moments. Rafael smiled, 

“They couldn’t do two colors, but they said they could hook me up with a bright green one later,” Rafael said. “How’s that sound?” 

“Real good Uncle Rafa. I wanna see,” he said excitedly. He grinned bigger than he’d seen in awhile at the pink cast, and it made him feel bigger than himself. He would do anything to make Noah smile like that. Noah threw his arms around Rafael once more, clinging, and Rafael held him as close as he could. 

“I love you, and everything is going to be alright Noah,” he whispered, “I promise.” 

“Can I come home tomorrow? I’ll just be here tonight right?” Noah asked. His blue eyes were pleading with Rafael to promise him that small thing, to promise him he could come home the next day, but he had no idea where he’d be at in the morning. He didn’t know if he could hold himself together. 

“Noah,” Rafael whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. He leaned his face against Noah’s curls, pressing is lips to the little boy’s forehead. “I wish more than anything that I could promise you that, but I don’t know. I’m really, really struggling. I promise you will be home soon, okay? Before Christmas.” 

“You have to call me, every night Uncle Rafa. You have to promise,” Noah said, and Rafael nodded. 

“I promise okay?” he murmured, squeezing Noah one more time. Noah looked over to Liv then, grinning and running into her arms, 

“Mommy!” he yelled, and Rafael smiled, watching them together. Liv held her son tight, and he hated himself for being the reason they couldn’t be together. He had to take a shuddering breath as he stood up, turning away for a second. He ran a hand over the back of his neck, feeling awful. He wanted to run back to the car, to give himself some privacy to cry, but he had promised Noah he could sign the cast. “Uncle Rafa, you can’t leave before I sign your cast and you give me a hug goodnight,” Noah exclaimed. 

“I won’t Noah, I promise. Rollins, do you happen to have a sharpie?” he asked, and she nodded, tossing him a black one. “Alright Noah, come here. You can sign this thing.” Noah grinned, spending a good couple minutes dragging the sharpie across the pink cast. Rafael kept his eyes shut, not really wanting to see what Noah drew at first. When he opened his eyes, he saw giant letters, scrawled across the front of the cast, and even though it made the pink all the more hideous, he smiled. “I love it,” he whispered, and he realized he was serious. 

The car ride home was fairly quiet. Rafael stared at his cast and tried not to cry. He hated himself. Liv rubbed her hand down his arm, but she also gave him space. He felt like he was going to be sick. As they got out of the car, Liv whispered with Carisi for a few minutes, and he didn’t even want to know what they were saying. He felt so exhausted. When they got in the door, he started to break down. Liv guided him to the couch, sitting him down and taking his free hand, “You need to breathe, and look right here at me.” He complied, calming himself down fairly well. 

“Liv, I’m sorry,” he said, and she shook her head. 

“You don’t have to be sorry Rafa. You don’t,” she told him. “You just have to worry about you right now. Noah is going to have so much fun with Jesse. I think it’s past time you eat something.” 

“Liv…” he whispered, bowing his head. “Liv, would you stay with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Yeah, you and I can get real cozy later. It’s gonna be okay,” she said gently. He felt cold and empty when she left to go make him something to eat. He curled up on the couch, laying his head down, letting himself zone out. It was easier than facing his crumbling life. 

When Liv came into the living room, a bowl of soup in hand, she saw him staring off into space. She wished he didn’t look so despondent and upset. She wished she could assure him, and that he would believe her when she told him things were going to improve. She sat down beside him, stroking his leg and trying to coax him out of the nearly catatonic state he seemed to be in. “Just let me lay here for the rest of my life,” he whispered. 

“Rafa, no, come on,” Liv said gently. “Sit up, I made you some soup.” He begrudgingly sat up, letting her push the soup into his hands. She got a blanket, wrapping it around his shoulders. He was shaking slightly, and she wasn’t sure if he was cold, anxious, or something else. “Does it taste okay?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “It tastes perfect. I’m sorry, I’m just really done with all of this.” 

“I know you are, I know, but you’re gonna be alright. You’re doing so well,” she told him. “This is a blip. You’re going to get through this just like you’ll make it through everything else.” 

“Do you really think so?” he whispered, setting the soup down as tears filled his eyes once more. “Cause I feel like nothing is ever going to get better. I feel like I’m going to die Liv.” 

“I really, really, really think so Rafa. You’ve trusted me before, and right now, I need you to try and trust me again,” she said. “Do you think you could do that for me?” 

“I can try,” he whispered, leaning forward against her. He needed her to hold him and comfort him. She wrapped her arms around him, pulling him down so they were reclined on the couch. Rafael rested his head on her chest, sighing as her hand stroked over his hair and down his back just as she’d been doing practically all day. She held him tight and made sure he knew he wasn’t alone as he cried, his face pressed into her shirt. “Liv, I want the anger to come back. My emotions are everywhere.” 

“It’ll be back,” Liv whispered. “It’ll be back eventually. Plenty.” 

“Will this go away?” he asked softly, feeling miserable. 

“Eventually, it’ll fade to some extent,” she told him. “It just takes time. Time teaches you to cope.” He sniffled, hiding his face completely. He didn’t ever want to let go. “Alright, sit up Rafa, you need to eat.” He resisted at first, but then he finally sat up, eating a few spoonfuls of the soup to appease her. She rubbed his back as he sat there, his legs bent up beside him. He finished the food for her despite feeling sick to his stomach. After he finished, he put the bowl down and leaned against Liv. He wished he could find it in himself to stop violating her personal space, that he didn’t constantly need coddling, but he felt like a shell of himself. She let him curl up against her. He was practically limp on her lap, staring in the direction of the tv, but she didn’t think he was really watching. He laid there silently, breathing softly, and she forked her fingers through his hair. He didn’t even react. Usually, even when he was in pain, he would lean into the touch, but he was still, almost too still. She left him alone though, trying to allow him the ability to work through whatever was going on in his head. She could only do so much. He had a lot of healing that was going to be dealt with by him and him alone. She could be there to support him, but she couldn’t do the hard work no matter what she wanted. 

“Liv?” he whispered. 

“Yeah Rafa?” she asked, glad to hear his voice. 

“Do you think he’s knows where I’m at?” he whispered. He sounded terrified. She sighed, 

“I honestly do not know,” she admitted. She couldn’t be anything but straightforward with him, “I can get a protection detail down here if you’d feel better, or we can continue on as we have been. It’s up to you.” 

“I don’t want to live like this Liv. I don’t want to constantly be looking over my shoulder or feeling petrified,” he said, sniffling. He wrapped his arms around himself, “I am so scared though. I’m scared he’ll find me, I’m scared he’ll hurt me or you,” his voice raised as he looked at her, admitting he not only feared for himself but her as well. She wished he wouldn’t. He needed to focus on himself, not worry about her. 

“I haven’t noticed anyone following us, so it’s probably a PI of some sort. Now we know he has someone tailing you. We’ll watch, and we’ll figure it out. I’ve got you. You told me you trust me. That you feel safe with me. I want you to focus on that, okay?” she said softly, not knowing what else to do. She needed to get him calm enough that he would be able to sleep. It destroyed her to feel him shaking, to hear the tremor in his voice. 

“Okay,” he whispered, leaning his head onto her thigh. He was quiet for another few moments. “Liv?” 

“Hmm Rafa?” she asked, and he looked up at her, shining green eyes showing his emotion.

“Thank you for being here for me. You’re all I’ve got,” he said. “You’re everything.” 

“I know this is all so tough Rafael, but I’m not the only person who cares for you. Rollins, Carisi, Fin, Noah. You have all of us,” Liv said. She wished she could add his mother to that list. She didn’t deserve a son like him. “And what about your yacht friends?” Liv teased, and he laughed softly. 

“I’m tired,” he whispered. “You’ll sit with me?” 

“I’ll stay with you all night, come on,” she said. He stood up shakily, grabbing for his head. “And let’s get a bottle of water in you,” Liv grabbed a cold bottle from the fridge, walking him back to the bedroom. He took a seat on the bed, slowly sipping the water. 

“Can you get my sleeping pills?” he whispered. She was taken aback. He hadn’t been using them very much, and it was upsetting that he was going to need them again. She wanted to strangle Marc all the more. She nodded though, going to the kitchen to dig through his bag of pill bottles. He was off most of it, the narcotics, the antiretrovirals, and he had finished his antibiotics. The ambien was under a few bottles, but she found it, bringing the bottle to the bedroom. Rafael took a whole pill, another abnormality. Usually he would take half a pill, telling her he didn’t want to be incapacitated. Sometimes he was even hesitant about taking half the pill. He swallowed it, finishing his water, and going to brush his teeth. She put on some pajamas, waiting for him to come back. He took a couple minutes, and when he did return, he quickly put on some pajama pants and a tee shirt before crawling into bed. Liv sat beside him, turning the lights down. Rafael was on his side, facing her, his eyes barely open. All the crying and panicking all day had him obviously exhausted. “Liv?” he mumbled. 

“Yeah?” she asked. 

“Don’t leave me,” he pleaded. 

“Never,” she promised. 

…………………………………………..

She was holding him, her arms around him, spooning as they both slept, but his erratic movements yanked her from dreamland. He was screaming, jerking up and shaking. She pushed down on his shoulders, trying to stop him from flailing around before he hurt himself, “Rafael, look at me. You’re at home. You’re okay,” He started frantically shaking his head, “Rafa, listen,” he was sweating, his skin slippery, his chest heaving with panic, 

“N-Not a nightmare,” he practically choked. Liv brushed some sweaty hair from his forehead, but he immediately sat up, shaking. Before she could say another word, he was on his feet, pacing now, hands intertwined on the top of his head. 

“You’re okay Rafa, you’re alright,” she said softly, but he was gasping, scratching at his arms, panicking. 

“He’s watching me. He’s gonna put those pictures all over the internet. He probably sent one in the mail to my mother,” he said, and Liv carefully got up, keeping her hands in the air. 

“Rafael, you need to breathe, come on,” she whispered, trying to calm him down. He was obviously not thinking clearly. He was letting his anxiety run the table, letting it drive him to conclusions. 

“Liv, he is nuts. He raped me and then kissed my forehead and told me he’d see me real soon. What the fuck is gonna stop him from posting that everywhere?” Rafael hissed, shakily running his hands through his hair. Liv approached him slowly, but he backed away, hitting the wall. He slid down to the floor, leaning his head against his knees and sobbing. 

“Can I touch you?” Liv asked softly. He just let out a little sobbing noise, starting to rock himself back and forth. Liv pulled him close, paying attention to his body language. He tucked his head against her neck, and she rocked him through the sobs. “It’s okay Rafa, you’re alright. You can’t think worst case scenario, try to keep the faith.” 

“What faith? What is there to keep?” he sobbed, “I’m ruined. Every day is hell Liv. I just want to die.” 

“I know this is hard, I know,” she whispered, “I felt like I was never going to get better Rafael but look at me now. I have Noah, I’ve been promoted at work, I am happy. You can be happy again too.” 

“I can’t breathe, my chest feels--Liv--” he gasped. 

“You’re having a panic attack,” Liv whispered by his ear. “Just focus on your breathing, the chest tightness will go away.” He did his best to listen to her, but he couldn’t stop sucking in air. He felt like he was going to die. 

“You need to listen to me,” Liv told him. “You need to try and breathe. It’s going to be okay.” He was trying to count his breaths just like she told him, but he was having trouble focusing on the numbers. Instead, he pressed his face against her, burning sobs catching in his throat. Each one shook his body in Liv’s arms. She rubbed his back, shushing him until he started to quiet down. He cried himself to sleep, leaning against her on the floor. 

………………………………..

It was still dark when she felt someone shaking her awake. She blinked a few times, seeing Rafael looking at her. She felt so exhausted, but she forced herself to open her eyes and focus her attention on him. “Liv,” he mumbled, his voice shaking with fear. 

“Hey, hey,” she whispered, cupping his cheek, “What’s wrong?” 

“Liv he’s gonna get me. He’s here,” Rafael whispered, and she frowned, looking around to see what possibly could have given him that idea. 

“What are you talking about Rafa?” she asked. “There’s no one here.” His forehead was glistening with sweat, his green eyes huge and watery as he looked at her pleadingly. “Talk to me,” she whispered. He was shaking now, running a hand through his sweaty hair as his face crumbled. 

“I heard something. I’m so scared Liv. I’m losing my fucking mind,” he sobbed, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry I woke you up.” 

“Sh, it’s alright, let’s get back in bed,” she murmured, getting him up to his feet. “You are exhausted Rafa, you’re not thinking clearly. You’re not losing your mind. Once you get some sleep, you’ll feel much better.” He was leaning against her as he staggered to the bed. He laid down, and she climbed in beside him, propping him against her. It was only a few minutes before there was some sort of thump outside, surely the wind, but Rafael flipped out. She held him tight, talking him through it, and once he dissolved into tears, she whispered to him, promising him that everything would be okay. He stared up at her, 

“I can’t do this,” he whispered. “I’m miserable.” Liv leaned down, placing a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“You can do this. Remember what I told you yesterday?” she murmured. “Can you say it for me?” 

“M’strong,” He whispered. “I—I’m brave.” 

“And?” She asked. He was grabbing at her, trying to get closer. 

“I can overcome this,” he finally said. 

“Good, good,” she murmured, pressing her lips to his forehead once more. He seemed to be comforted by it. He was still gasping though as he breathed, and she wanted to calm him down. He needed to stop panicking. She wasn’t sure how he’d react, but if she could make him feel warm and safe, it would hopefully get him to calm down. “Rafa, take off your shirt, it’s warm in here,” she said. He nodded, and she helped him peel the garment from his sweaty skin. He struggled out of his pajama pants. He shivered a little bit at the cool air hitting damp skin. “I’m just gonna take my shirt off. This will make you feel a little better okay?” 

“Kay,” he mumbled, not even paying attention to what she was saying. She left on her shorts, but she pulled her shirt over her head, leaving her in just a sports bra. Rafael leaned against her stomach, laying between her legs. She wrapped her arms around him, keeping him close, the skin on skin contact allowing him to begin to calm down. He relaxed into her arms, her hands running through his hair and over his shoulders. 

“Shh, shh,” she murmured, trying to calm his erratic breathing. “You’ve got to take a couple deep breaths, this is gonna be over soon. You’re gonna see that everything is alright. No one is here but you and me. Marc is not here.” She ran her hands over his chest, up to his shoulders and down his arms. He started to relax even more, turning his head and resting his cheek against her bare skin. “That’s right, that’s right Rafa.” 

“Thank you Liv,” he whispered, starting to fall back asleep. She pulled a blanket up over them both, and he took only a few moments to pass out. 


	8. Chapter 8

Rafael gasped, shooting up. He could barely breathe, his chest heaving as he bent over, trying to suck air in. He hated feeling like that, feeling like he was dying for no reason at all. He coughed and choked on his breaths. “Shh,” Liv whispered. “Rafael, shh.” 

“Make it stop,” he whispered. “Please Liv.” Her hands moved to his shoulders, massaging his traps, rubbing soft circles and whispering to him. It didn’t take long for her to get him calmed down some. She led him out to the couch, covering his shoulders with a blanket, and he sat there, shivering, scrunched up, and she went to start breakfast. 

“How does French Toast sound?” she asked. He didn’t answer. It didn’t take her long to make it though, and he slowly walked over to the table when she called for him. He looked spacey again, staring off instead of really eating. “Come on Rafa, aren’t you hungry?” He sighed dramatically. 

“I’m just….I’m exhausted,” he whispered. “All of this makes me feel numb. I’m just tired and numb.” 

“Can you try to eat something?” she asked. He nodded, taking a small bite of it. He took a little while, but he managed to finish what she made him. She started cleaning up, but he stopped her. 

“No Liv, you stayed up with me all night almost, I’ve got it,” he said, stacking the plates and taking them to the sink to do the dishes. Liv had a mug of tea, and he started to clean that too, but he was suddenly feeling a wave of anger overwhelming him. He was sick and tired of being a burden to Liv. It was exhausting to know she was taking care of him constantly, but he couldn’t will himself to feel better. He wanted to stop being a problem. She had stayed up with him all night, practically naked, holding him because he couldn’t stop crying, and he hated himself and Marc for it. His hate for Marc was mounting every day. He was sick and tired of feeling scared, of waking up with panic attacks, of waiting, his life on hold as the detectives tried and failed to do anything to help. He was tired of everything. His vision went white, and when it cleared once more, the mug was shattered on the ground and he was breathing heavily. His hands were gripping the counter, trying to keep himself upright. He still felt furious. 

“Rafa,” Liv sighed, pulling on his arms to try and move him away from the glass. “Go sit down. Now,” she hissed. He took a seat on the couch, and Liv was cleaning up the mess he’d created once more which just made him more angry. Rafael could barely breathe because he was so mad. His jaw was clenched, a pillow clutched in his hands. “This is the second day in a row that you’ve broken things. We need to do something. You sit here, and if you get mad, punch that pillow. I am going to get dressed. I will be right back,” she said. He squeezed his fingers into the soft fabric, trying to hold himself together, but he couldn’t stop himself from starting to punch it. His anger built until he dug his fingers into the fabric, tearing it apart. By the time he was finished, he had angry tears on his face. “What the hell Rafa,” Liv sounded shocked. Rafael threw the ruined pillow onto the ground, and she closed her eyes for a moment before she grabbed his arm, dragging him back to the bedroom. “Get dressed. Now.” she said, laying out an outfit for him. He scowled but pulled his clothes on as she asked. She grabbed his elbow, dragging him out of the apartment and down to her car. “Buckle up,” she said. He glared, but did it anyways. “Since you can’t seem to stop breaking everything, we’re gonna go do something to help you get some of that anger out.” He was quiet, his tumultuous emotions raging inside of him. He didn’t ask questions, following her inside the building, but when he heard the loud bangs, he looked at her questioningly. She smiled at him, “I’ll show you how,” she said. “I think you’ll be surprised at how much stress you’ll get out.” He trailed behind her, suddenly feeling nervous and hesitant. She handed him eye and ear protection, and he held it, idling. Liv waved him forward, and he finally followed her to a range. 

“Liv,” he said. “I-I don’t know about this. How am I supposed to shoot with one hand?” 

“I’ll help you. I have a smaller gun with less kickback for you to use,” she said. “You trust me right?” she asked when he looked at her dubiously. He nodded, earning a smile from her, “Now put on that gear, and I’ll show you what to do.” Rafael nodded, putting on the ear muffs and glasses. Liv put on her own gear, positioning him to face the target. She pulled out the gun, showing the basics of how to use it, and then she put it in his left hand, standing so her front was pressed up against his back, pressing his casted hand to his sternum to stabilize him. She guided him, helping him aim. She was looking over his shoulder, steadying him as he pulled the trigger. He flinched at first, the kickback surprising him, but then he turned and smiled at her. “That’s it,” she said, rubbing her hand down his arm before helping him to line it up again. He took a breath, aiming again before pulling the trigger. Liv swallowed, the areas where their bodies touched feeling electric. She was pressed up tight against him and their close proximity had her hot and bothered. The next shot seemed to shake his balance, so she put a hand on his hip, adjusting him so his feet were a shoulder width apart. He tensed up at the touch, but then relaxed against her, emptying his clip, shot after shot. “How’s that feel?” she asked, meeting his eyes. They were dark, pupils dilated, the heavy look shooting warmth to her belly. 

“Good,” he breathed. She showed him how to load the gun again, and he did the next clip on his own. Everytime their skin brushed or their eyes met, the air between them seemed to thicken. It felt warm, Liv’s throat dry each time she looked at him. He was so gorgeous, and she had no idea how she had ever looked at him before without thinking of that. The handsome slant of his jaw, the bulge of muscles peeking out from under his sleeves. His broad shoulders and back rippled as he took shot after shot, his green eyes focused on the target. He was sweaty and breathing hard by the time he finished, but he looked much more relaxed. She took the gun from him, returning the gear and on the way to the car, she smiled at him. 

“How was that?” she asked softly. 

“Great,” he said, his voice gravelly. “I feel…..better.” Liv started the car, patting his thigh as he climbed in. He swallowed, meeting her gaze, and she had to look away. Otherwise, she might do something she shouldn’t. 

………………………….

Rafael could feel his groin tightening, his skin feeling burning hot. The area on his thigh where her hand had just been was tingling. No one ever made him feel like this since he was a hormone crazed teenager, but somehow Liv managed to drive him insane. She was barely touching him, but it was enough. He could feel himself hardening in his jeans, and he fought with himself to stop. He despised his lack of control. He took a few deep breaths, trying to focus on something other than Liv. Her hand had been on his thigh, on his hip, her body pressed against his back so tight. He could just feel that soft touch brushing over his skin, moving closer and brushing over his groin, and he wanted it. He wanted her. He wanted to make her writhe around under him, to hear her scream his name. He clenched his fists, cursing at himself under his breath. This was not helping his current situation. The whole ride home was filled with him keeping his eyes shut or looking out the window and willing himself to calm down. When Liv pulled into the apartment, he got out, trying to get in front of Liv so she wouldn’t see the bulge his jeans were barely covering up. He couldn’t hide it in the elevator though. Liv thankfully didn’t say a word about it, giving him space as they rode up. He was thankful she left him alone. Liv opened up the apartment door, going inside, and he followed, feeling like his skin was too tight for his body. He was taking his shoes off and straightening up when she turned to face him suddenly, “Rafa, what do you think about getting Chinese food--” Her sudden movements put them face to face, his body just steps away from boxing her up against the wall. His eyes were glued to her lips. He couldn’t stop himself. 

Her lips were soft, pressed up against his own, his fingers threaded through her hair. He was so worked up, he could barely see. He grabbed at her, pressing her back against the wall, tilting her head so he could deepen the kiss. Her hands tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck, her nails dragging down the back of his neck. Her tongue swiped across his bottom lip and he opened up, allowing her access. He groaned into her mouth, clutching at her for dear life. He felt like his knees were going to buckle. Her hand moved up to cup his cheek, thumb stroking his jaw as her lips moved against his. She felt so soft and inviting, and her body pressed against his was delicious. Her thigh was just barely pressing against his erection, driving him crazy. She was doing something with her tongue that had him feeling lightheaded. He was trying desperately to keep up, but he certainly was not on his ‘A game’ which he hated because this was Liv. That startled him, and he pulled back, sucking in breath. It was Liv. He was kissing Liv. “Shit,” he whispered. Liv was watching him carefully, but he just rushed off to the bathroom. He stood in there, swearing at himself. What the fuck had he just done? His eyes were wide as he splashed some water in his face, running his fingers through his hair. His brain felt like white noise, the panic overwhelming him. He had just fucked up really bad. He had pushed Liv against a wall and kissed her. He cursed at his tired, emotional brain, smacking his hand against the wall. He had kissed her, and oh god, it had felt good. It felt so right, but then….she had been the one to stick her tongue in his mouth. He swallowed, not sure what to think. She hadn’t been pushing him away. She hadn’t looked angry when he pulled away. Just worried. It felt like his brain was short circuiting. He had no idea what to do with that information. He took another step, forking his hand through his hair again. He needed to sit down. He sunk to the ground, pressing his face against his knees. He was questioning everything. Did she have feelings for him? How long had she had feelings for him? How long had he been missing this? He felt like he couldn’t breathe. He had to force himself to take a deep breath, to stop his racing thoughts and focus on one thing. He might have a chance if he played his cards right. He was certainly not in a place to give her what she deserved. He wasn’t ready to love her or Noah the way they deserved, but if he could just pull himself together, if he could pick up the shattered pieces of his life and put them back together, maybe he could be that man. A knock on the door startled him. He opened his eyes, looking up and trying to keep himself together. To hold onto the hope that was blossoming in his chest. Thinking about having a chance at the one thing that he’d wanted the most in the last 6 years made him feel like life might be worth living. 

“Rafa?” Liv’s voice was soft from outside the door, “Are you alright in there?” 

“One minute,” he managed to force from his throat. He stood up, his fingers brushing over his lips, savoring a few moments to remember the first time she kissed him. He pulled himself together, as much as possible, before opening the door. Liv was standing there, looking worried. “Um…” he whispered, “I-I’m sorry about...I don’t know what got into me.” He had to clear his throat, afraid to meet her eyes and have his hopes come crashing down around him once more. 

“Don’t be sorry,” she whispered, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Really Rafa. Don’t be sorry.” She took a step closer to him, her hand moving up to brush across his jaw. “I am not upset with you.” He nodded, looking up at her with shining eyes. “You need to get some sleep I think,” she said, nudging him towards the bedroom, “I’m gonna order us some Chinese food, and we can just have a quiet night, okay?” He nodded, letting her guide him into the bedroom where he undressed and climbed into bed. He felt exhausted. Liv sat beside him, brushing some hair away from his face. “Everything is gonna turn out alright,” she promised, and for once, he believed her. 

……………………………………….

Liv watched Rafael as he slept soundly. He had passed out almost immediately after his head hit the pillow. He looked peaceful for once, and she knew he desperately needed the sleep. She allowed herself one moment to run her fingers over his soft hair again, one kiss to his forehead. She wanted to tell him how much she loved him, how much she wanted that kiss, but he needed time to process. He was already knee deep in so many emotions, and she wasn’t going to confuse him more. She needed to let him have time to work through his own head and his own feelings. She couldn’t push him too hard or she would risk ruining everything before it had a chance to thrive. She knew he was probably freaking out inside, but she did think he finally understood he was wanted and he was loved. She called in the Chinese food for later before setting an alarm and curling up beside him on the bed. She wanted to keep an eye on him in case he started to freak out again. She shut her eyes, letting herself get the sleep she needed as well. 

It was the alarm that pulled her from sleep. She blinked a few times, trying to gather her bearings. She was going to grab her phone and turn off the alarm, but something was pinning her down to the bed. It wasn’t a surprise to her when she looked down and got a faceful of dark hair. Rafael had rolled over at some point during their nap, turning it into an inadvertent cuddling session. She tightened her hold around him, savoring the moment until she couldn’t take the blaring alarm anymore. She eased out from under him, pulling the blanket up and tucking it around him before she went to go find her wallet. Noah was surely going to call in the next few hours, looking for Rafael. The Chinese Delivery man took her money, and she was unpacking the food when Rafael stumbled out of the bedroom, looking like a mess. His hair was sticking up, and he was rubbing his eyes. “Morning sleepyhead,” she teased and he laughed, taking a seat on the couch. She brought him his carton of chinese food, and he let out a soft, pleased moan. It had been forever since he ate something that smelled so good. He took a bite and shut his eyes, the flavor exploding on his taste buds. He started shoveling it into his mouth, and Liv put a hand on his shoulder as she sat down, “Woah there, slow down,” she said. “It’s not going anywhere,” He glared but did as she said. She handed him the remote, but he handed it back. He was not in the mood to be making any decisions at the moment. He just wanted to do something mindless. He was sitting criss cross on one side of the couch, Liv on the other, but she looked at him, “You can come closer. I won’t bite.” He swallowed a mouthful of noodles, staring at her for a second before scooting closer. 

“Look….” he whispered. “I really don’t know what got into me earlier. A-Are you sure it was….” he trailed off. 

“Rafa, I told you, it’s fine,” she reiterated. “I kissed you back didn’t I?” He nodded, averting his eyes back to his chinese food. He could feel a blush rising on his cheeks, and he couldn’t stop a smile from spreading across his face. “Here, you can have my spring roll,” she said, handing it to him. She knew he loved them. They were a little hard, but it didn’t hurt him too bad to bite into it. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. They would often playfully bicker over the spring rolls if they got lunch together, wagering them over case ideas. He scooted even a little closer, finishing the spring roll before going back to his noodles. Liv patted his leg, 

“Do you need anything?” she asked softly. He shook his head. 

“Maybe a shower,” he said after a second. 

“Maybe a bath,” she replied, “I can help wash your hair again. You won’t be able to with your cast,” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you for taking me shooting today, thank you for helping me through this mess.” 

“Of course Rafa. I’ll always be here for you,” she promised. It felt like his next bite of noodles was lodged in his throat as he tried to swallow around the tears. 

…………………………………………..

The bath water was nice and warm, and it felt heavenly for him to be submerged in it. He hadn’t showered in what felt like forever, and he was feeling absolutely disgusting. His hand was covered in a plastic bag to protect the cast just incase. He massaged some soap onto his skin, over the places he could reach, but Liv was going to have to help him with that too. He was trying not to think about her hands on his wet, soapy body. Even thinking about it had him feeling overheated. “I have White Grapefruit and Mosa Mint or Cucumber and Green Tea. Sorry we ran out of your shampoo,” she said, interrupting his thoughts. 

“Either way I’ll smell fruity. Whatever,” he said with a soft smile. His hair being clean was enough. He wouldn’t be picky. Liv took a seat on the edge, rolling up her sleeves. She put a hand on his shoulder, sending a shiver down his spine. He had to swallow, willing himself to think about something else like Buchanan. She gently tilted his head back, hand on his cheek and jaw, pouring water over his grimy hair. His eyes slipped shut as her fingers started stroking through the wet locks, drawing sighs from his lips. Her gentle fingers on his face reminded him of their kiss, her soft lips pressed against his own, her tongue making his head spin. He could feel himself stirring below the soapy water. He dug his nails into his thigh, trying to find a distraction that would get his mind off Liv. Her skin was so soft, it made him shiver. He had wanted her for so long, just a little taste wasn’t enough. 

“Your hair is so soft,” she whispered, working the cool liquid into a lather. Rafael leaned into her hand, and she gently scraped her nails across his scalp. It made him sigh, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“Ah, that feels good,” he whispered. When he opened his eyes, he saw Liv staring back at him, a dark look in her brown irises. She swallowed visibly and he had to break eye contact. He was painfully hard, and he could feel himself blushing. He felt so overheated, like the bath water was made of lava. Every single brush of their skin, every look made him dizzy. Her hand moving over his wet skin, rubbing over his chest and back sent jolts of warmth to his groin. He had to bite his lip when her hand brushed his nipple by accident. It felt like every single nerve in his body was on fire. 

“Head back,” she whispered. He complied, relaxing as the water washed the suds out of his hair. He was only partially grateful when she left the room. It only took a few quick pumps and he was coming, biting his lip to muffle his groan. Liv had him all worked up, spun around and tied in a knot. He carefully got himself out of the bath after that, dressing slowly, pulling his boxers up with one hand. He was still damp, clumsily scrubbing at his skin with a towel. He gave up, draping the towel around his neck and going to find Liv. She wasn’t in the living room or the kitchen though, and when he turned around to go find her, she emerged from the bedroom, looking a bit frazzled. She jumped when she saw him, her eyes going wide. 

“Woah,” he whispered. “Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I just….I thought you’d be in there longer,” she said. There was a brief moment where they had prolonged eye contact before he looked down at his feet, 

“Could you help me dry off?” he asked softly. She took the towel from him, slowly wiping his skin dry. 

“How long were you standing out here?” her voice was soft. 

“Just a minute,” he said, “I was looking for you in the living room at first and the kitchen.” She didn’t say anything after that, but when her hand brushed against his skin, it was damp with sweat. “Um...do you want to watch a movie or something?” he asked, hating the silence. Liv almost seemed upset, and he was worried that it was his fault. He was grasping at straws, trying to fix whatever this was. Liv being upset broke his heart.  

“Sure,” she said softly, patting his shoulder. He covered her hand with his own, looking up into her eyes. He wanted to say, he wanted to tell her how much he loved her, but he wouldn’t let himself. Not until he was ready. Not until he was capable of loving her the way she needed him to. Her phone buzzing startled them both, and she pulled it out of her pocket, “Carisi is going to bring your phone by in a little bit. TARU is done processing it,” 

“Okay,” he said. “I’m just gonna get dressed then.” He went into the bedroom, pulling his duffle bag out from the closet. He dug out a pair of shorts, his throat feeling tight. Had Liv noticed what happened in the bathroom? Was she upset with him? He took a seat on the bed, swallowing and laying back against his pillow. He turned his head and frowned. His pillow smelled like Liv’s perfume. Just faintly, but he noticed. When he first started sleeping in her bed, her pillow had obviously smelled like her, but the scent had quickly faded. He had thought about sneaking some of her perfume and spraying it on the pillow, but he hadn’t sunk that low yet. Had she been….laying in his bed? Well...technically it was her bed, but for all intents and purposes, she treated it like it was really his. He didn’t have time to think about it further, her voice ringing out from the kitchen, calling his name. 

……………………………..

Liv felt queasy, her stomach rolling as she contemplated him knowing. She felt bad about it, but after that kiss, and the ability to touch him all over in the bathroom, her head had been spinning. She had barely finished washing his hair when she closed herself in her bedroom, digging her vibrator out from a drawer and yanking her pants down. She pressed her face into the pillow that smelled like him, only taking a few minutes before she managed to finish herself off, collapsing back on the bed, feeling guilty. Thinking about him like that after all he’d been through, it felt wrong somehow. She knew she shouldn’t worry so much, but it felt so dirty. It was just her luck that as she walked out, Rafael had been right there, shocking her. She was sure he knew what she had just been doing. Things had gotten awkward fast, and she felt bad about that. She didn’t want him feeling weird around her, and she certainly didn’t want him thinking she was upset with him. She wanted to make sure he was alright. He had sounded upset before he went back to the bedroom, so she called for him, getting the ice cream out from the freezer. 

When he appeared, he looked worried, dressed in a ratty pair of shorts and a tee shirt. “Hey,” she said warmly, trying her best to not be awkward. He looked incredibly relieved. 

“Hi,” he whispered, green eyes glancing down at the counter. 

“You want some ice cream to go with that movie?” she asked, and he smiled warmly, 

“Hmm, I don’t know. Are you offering me a cherry too?” he asked, giving her a soft smirk. She laughed. 

“You think you deserve a cherry?” she teased. 

“Who do you think you’re talking to?” he asked, feigning outrage. “Cause I know you wouldn’t ask the ADA with the highest conviction rate if he deserved a cherry. He deserves all the cherries.” Liv laughed, shaking her head at him. 

“What would that ADA be without his fabulous partner, the Lieutenant of SVU who makes it possible for him to have that conviction rate?” she asked. He thought about keeping up the joke, but he couldn’t help himself, 

“He’d be nothing,” he whispered, his eyes glistening with emotion. Liv got quiet again, but she handed him a bowl of ice cream a moment later, three cherries on top. He took his ice cream, sitting down on the couch and taking a bite. It tasted so good. He was glad when Liv took a seat beside him, smiling at him and patting his leg again. 

“What do you want to watch?” she asked softly. He shrugged, taking the remote from her hand so he could look. He looked through Netflix until he found something that looked like it was worth watching. Liv scooted a little closer to him, pulling a blanket over their laps as they watched. Liv seemed tired, leaning against him a little heavily as they watched. He kept his eyes on the movie, not wanting an incident to happen like it had earlier. As he watched quietly, he thought about how long he had wanted Liv to know how he felt, how long he thought he could never possibly have her. He cursed at himself for being an idiot. She probably had just needed to go home and see Noah after a long day. It wasn’t about him, but he had made it that way. He took what she said and made assumptions. He shook his head. His stupid assumptions had lead to all this. He put himself in a terrible situation for absolutely no reason at all. His throat felt tight when he thought about it, so he tried not to. He was startled when Liv’s head rested on his shoulder, and he looked over, realizing she had fallen asleep. He swallowed, wrapping his arms around her shoulders, holding her close. He set both their bowls down, and as he leaned back, her head slipped to his chest. He ran his fingers through her hair, wishing it could always be like this. He wanted to think that he could eventually be good enough for her. He would try his best, but he wasn’t sure he could ever make it to that point. He needed to believe it because right now, he had nothing else to look forward to. Without her, he felt like he was worthless. His job had been crumbling around him as he felt more and more exhausted after each case. He had no family, no direction. Nothing but Liv. He barely had any friends. He pressed his face against the top of her head, kissing over her hair.

“Thank you Liv,” he whispered. “You make me feel like myself again.” He leaned his head against hers, trying to tell himself that everything was going to turn out okay. He was trying so hard not to lose all hope. He needed to hold on, and Liv was all he had left to hold onto. If he thought about other things, it seemed hopeless. It felt like he didn’t have anything worth living for. He held her tight, thanking the lord that he had her. That he still had a shot. First he needed to find a way to be okay on his own though. She was the prize, and if he just kept her in his sights, he would go through whatever he had to in order to reach his goal. She and Noah were worth it. They stayed like that until a knock on the door startled her awake. She cleared her throat, realizing the position they were in, 

“Sorry,” she whispered. “Guess I was more tired than I thought.” She yawned, standing up to go answer the door. Rafael stayed on the couch, toying with the blanket in his hands. Carisi followed Liv into the room, handing over his iPhone. 

“Hey Counselor,” he said softly, “How’s the hand?” 

“Oh, it fell off,” Rafael said, keeping a straight face. Carisi looked down to the pillow that was covering his arm and then back to Liv like he believed Rafael for a second, “Relax, Carisi, I’m kidding,” he said. “I’m surprised you didn’t break my phone,” he examined it, turning it over in his hands. “I’ll bill you if I find anything wrong with it.” The humor was a front for how broken he still felt, but he was trying to keep his own spirits up. Maybe if he pretended it was already okay, it would eventually be true. Sonny laughed, smiling warmly at him, 

“We’re still working on your case,” Sonny said, taking a seat. “We have the DNA and everything, and it’s just a matter of time until we get him.” 

“Thanks Carisi,” he whispered. “Even if you don’t, I guess I can just stay here for the rest of my life, on Liv’s couch, in my underwear.” When Sonny looked at him with wide eyes, he rolled his, “Seriously, Carisi, is gullible your middle name? I’m joking.” Sonny patted Rafael’s shoulder, 

“We’re going to get him. I promise,” he whispered. Rafael nodded, a sad smile on his face. He sighed, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. He had to take a deep breath before powering his phone back on. He had six voicemails, twelve new texts from Marc, and he wasn’t sure that he even wanted to look at them. In some ways though, he wanted to know. He couldn’t remember what happened when he was drugged, but Marc had apparently diligently documented the experience. He clicked through his phone, swallowing heavily before shutting it off again. He could barely breathe thinking about looking at them, but he didn’t want to just pretend they weren’t there. Liv came back and took a seat beside him, her hand touching his shoulder. 

“You don’t need to look at those,” she whispered. “Carisi told me TARU has all of them and they’re gonna keep track of any future messages he sends you. If you want to look, you can, but you don’t have to.” 

“I don’t know Liv. He makes me feel so worthless,” he said, dropping his head into his hands.“I wish he would just leave me alone. He already got what he wanted” 

“He wants power Rafa, power over you. Don’t let him have it,” she told him. “I know it’s hard, but you can do this. I know you can.” 

“I think I’m gonna go lay down for a bit,” he said, standing up. He was starting to feel overwhelmed again, his chest tightening like there was a fist in place of his sternum, the hand curled around his heart, slowly squeezing it tighter and tighter. He laid down on his side in the bedroom, hugging a pillow to his chest and trying not to cry. He didn’t want to cry anymore. He looked at his phone, wiping at a few tears that already managed to escape. A few of the messages were from his mother, one from Carmen which made him frown, and at least a handful from Marc. He listened to Carmen’s first, but it was simply her wishing him well and letting him know she wanted to drop dinner off for him. He texted her, not trusting himself to talk on the phone. He ignored his mother’s messages. She was certainly not the person he needed to speak to at the moment. Marc’s messages sat there, untouched, daring him to listen. The text messages that were surely more pictures sat in his messages, waiting to be seen, but he couldn’t bear to put himself through that. Not again. He was still wallowing, laying on the bed, feeling completely defeated when Liv knocked on the door, 

“You okay in here Rafa?” she asked. 

“Not really,” he whispered. 

“Someone is on the phone for you, but I can distract him for a few minutes if you need some time,” Liv said gently. He forced himself to take a deep breath, sitting up and wiping at his eyes, 

“No, no, give it here,” he replied, taking the phone from Liv’s hand. Noah sounded excited when he started talking. 

“Uncle Rafa,” he exclaimed, “Guess what?” 

“Hmm buddy?” he asked, not entirely trusting his voice yet. 

“Today, Jenny and I sat together at lunch,” Noah started telling him all about school, and Rafael smiled. Having something else to focus on was helpful in calming him down. He listened all about Noah’s day, and recounted his own adventures at the shooting range. Noah sounded happy enough to be talking to him which was another thing he appreciated about the little boy. Noah just loved him no matter what. He didn’t care if Rafael was in a bad mood, he didn’t judge him. All Noah did was love him unconditionally and it truly meant the world to Rafael. 

“Here’s a trick little man,” Rafael said softly, “Tomorrow, you need to talk to Aunt Amanda about getting Jenny some chocolate. Or, once you’re home, I’ll take you shopping.”

“When can I come home?” Noah asked, and Rafael shut his eyes. 

“I don’t know hombrecito,” he whispered. “I’m really sorry. Hopefully soon.” 

“It’s okay Uncle Rafa. I’m having lots of fun with Jesse. Can you and Mommy come visit again though?” Noah said, and Rafael found himself immediately agreeing. 

“Yeah, I promise,” he said. “Maybe I can read you a story.” 

“Okay! Love you Uncle Rafa,” Noah said. Rafael smiled, hanging up after telling Noah he loved him very much. He felt better after talking to the little boy. Liv was still waiting at the door, smiling. 

“Wanna talk?” she asked. He shrugged, handing over her phone. He laid his head back against the pillow, staring at the white ceiling. He felt his lip quivering like he was going to cry, but he tried desperately to hold back. He felt the bed dip with Liv’s weight, and her hand was on his bare leg, squeezing once, comfortingly, “Hey. I’m right here.” Rafael moved his head onto her thigh, and she started stroking his hair. 

“I wanna look,” he murmured. “But I’m scared.” 

“I know Rafa,” she replied, “I know you are, but it’s gonna be alright. I’ll stay right here with you if you want, and we can look together.” He took a few more deep breaths, trying to pull himself together. He forced himself to sit up, and she sat beside him as he started looking at his phone. He stared at the lock screen for a few moments before opening it up, and then he had to talk himself into clicking on the messages app. Liv rubbed his back as he tapped the conversation. A sob was threatening to tear its way from his throat. He hadn’t noticed Marc taking a picture that second night. He had been too busy bleeding all over the floor as he prayed for the pain to be over. “It’s over now Rafa. It’s over.” The pictures took him back to those horrible moments though. There was a single text message:  _ I don’t wanna have to do this again. _

“It’s not over,” he whispered, his head down. “He’s threatening to do it again Liv. He’s gonna come back for me.” 

“Rafa, I’m here. The police are all over this. He would have to be insane to come after you again,” she said, but he shook his head.

“He’s nuts Liv. He has to be crazy,” Rafael whispered. “He fucking thinks that stuff is still okay between us unless he’s just fucking with me.” He wiped at his eyes, wrapping his arms around his legs, keeping them against his chest. He felt miserable. 

“We aren’t going to let him do anything to you,” she told him, rubbing his back. “I promise we won’t let anything happen.” 

“I want to believe you,” he sobbed, “I want to be okay.” 

“Don’t cry, shh, it’s okay. I’m right here,” Liv whispered. “Tell me what you need right now. Don’t think about him. Just focus on you.” He was shivering visibly, staring at the wall. He had no idea what he needed. All he knew for sure was that nothing felt like it was going to be okay ever again. He tried to breathe, to tell himself that he wasn’t broken, but he felt shattered. Every time he seemed to get better, it was like he relapsed again. Marc kept torturing him with texts and phone calls and pictures. Rafael could feel his body going into fight or flight, his pulse increasing, making it feel like his heart was beating out of his chest. He was hyperventilating, grabbing onto Liv for support. He couldn’t breathe. She was trying to calm him down, but he was about to fall into a deep ravine. “Rafa, no,” she said. “You’re here with me.” 

“Liv….” he gasped. “Liv, I need to--I need the thing.” She looked at him, frowning. She had no idea what he was talking about. 

“What thing Rafael?” she asked, stroking his arm. He started pulling at his shirt instead of answering, and she started to understand what he was asking for. It had done the trick really fast before, so she was certainly willing to try it again. She pulled off her own shirt, gently pulling him back against her, his bare skin pressing against her own. She wrapped her arms around him, and he laid his cheek on her stomach, visibly calming almost immediately. He was still on the edge though, white noise ringing in his ears. Liv knew she had a long night ahead of her. 

…………………………………………………..

The sound of her phone ringing woke Liv up. Rafael was still curled up on top of her, but he was fast asleep. She groaned, trying to grab her cell phone without waking him. After talking with Carisi for a few moments, she knew she needed to go into the office, but she wasn’t sure how she was going to do that with Rafael feeling so terribly. It had taken forever for her to get him to sleep the night before. He had gone back and forth from crying softly in her arms to just laying there doing nothing. She was thankful though that he stopped completely panicking not long after they started the skin on skin contact. She hated how upset he was, and there was really nothing she could do about it. 

His nightmares had been bad when he fell asleep, and he had woken up a few times throughout the night, screaming until she managed to talk him down. Judging from the last few days, he would probably have a rough morning before the anger would come back and then he’d be fine. The anger was at least promising. He was acting more like his old self: just overboard. Rafael wouldn’t usually go off the deep end and break things, but he would get red faced and swear up a storm as he paced around the room. “Liv?” his voice sounded soft and groggy as she tried to get up. 

“I’m right here Rafa,” she whispered. He grabbed at her arm, 

“Don’t leave, please,” he begged, and she sighed. 

“Raf, I need to go into the office,” she said. “Here, if you get up and get dressed, you can come with me.” He clung onto her hand miserably, not wanting her to leave. He looked so exhausted, and she felt terrible for having to drag him out of bed, but Carisi made it clear she needed to come down to the station. She was so far behind on paperwork, it felt like she would never catch up. “You can stay here if you want, I’ll try to be quick.” His eyes went wide though and he frantically shook his head, tears pouring down his cheeks. 

“Please,” he whispered. “Please.” 

“Rafa, come on,” she said. “It would only be an hour.” 

“No,” he murmured, clinging.

“Okay then, up, I’ve gotta go,” she said, getting him to stand up. He let her slip a polo over his head and hand him clean boxers and khakis to put on himself. She made sure he put on deodorant and brushed his teeth before zipping up his brown winter coat and dragging him to her car. He sat hunched over in the passenger seat, so miserable like he just wanted to cry. She was surprised he wasn’t. He was looking out the window, but he was also sitting on the edge as close to her as possible. His hand was tapping his thigh repeatedly, and she wanted to calm him down and hold his hand, but she was a bit busy driving. When she pulled into the precinct, he didn’t move until she said his name. He just looked at her with sad, green eyes. “I know you’re still tired,” she said. “You can lay down in my office.” 

“Will you sit with me?” he whispered, and she wished she could tell him yes, but she needed to talk to the squad. She just hoped he would be okay on his own for a little bit. 

“Maybe for a little bit,” she said, trying to placate him. “I just have some things to get done, so you might be in my office alone for a little bit.” His hand started moving faster. She swallowed, wishing there was more she could do. “You okay to go inside now?” He shrugged, biting his lip and turning away again. “Come on,” she said, coaxing him out of the car. He reached for her hand then, and she let him hold it as they walked towards the door. He was moving slowly, carefully, right beside her like he thought someone might snatch him off the street if they were separated even by a few feet. His hand was shaky in her own, but she held tight to it, trying to ground him, “You’re okay,” she whispered, hoping it provided some sort of comfort. 

“Liv,’ he whispered, starting to tear up. He didn’t say anything else. He was quiet during the elevator ride, clutching her hand desperately. 

“Just keep breathing. I’m right here,” she promised. He nodded, shutting his eyes for a moment. The walk into the squad room was slow, Rafael hovering at the door at first. 

“I don’t like people staring at me,” he whispered, but Liv coaxed him forward. He still wouldn’t let go of her. The room got quiet almost immediately before Sonny stood up, smiling. 

“Hey Barba, how are you?” he asked. Rafael didn’t answer. Liv could feel Fin’s eyes on them as they went towards her office. She ignored him for the time being, focusing on Rafael who needed her the most. She sat him down on the couch, but he pulled at her arm until she sat beside him. 

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispered, leaning his face against her shirt. “Please, I feel like I’m gonna die.” 

“You aren’t going to die. That’s the anxiety talking. I’m right here. You’re in the police station. This is probably the safest place you could be,” she murmured, stroking her hand over his hair. “It’s going to be okay. Try to breathe.” He nodded, sniffling and trying to stop panicking. “I need to go talk to the detectives. I’ll try to be as fast as I can, and then I’ll come back in here and you can take a nap while I do paperwork.” He nodded, wiping at his eyes, but he still looked miserable. He curled up on his side when Liv stood up, and she found the blanket that she kept in her office, handing it to him. He pulled it over himself, clutching it tight in his hands and fighting with himself to stay calm. 

……………………………………..

Liv shut her door as she went back out into the squad room. All the detectives were standing up, looking at her, and she sighed. Fin had a little smirk on his face. “Morning everyone,” she said softly. “Want to brief me on what you’ve found?” 

“It’s not much Lieu,” Sonny said softly. “This case has been terrible. TARU traced the number, but it was a burner. He’s got to be hiding somewhere.” 

“What about the PI? He has to have someone trailing Rafael,” Liv asked. 

“I think we should get him protection,” Rollins said, “A team would be able to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious who was tailing you.” Liv didn’t think Rafael would like that, but she could mention it to him. He seemed to be very wary around anyone but her. 

“How is he doing?” Sonny asked softly. 

“He looked real cozy with you Liv,” Fin teased, and she glared again. She could see Rollins snickering. 

“He’s not doing that great,” she admitted, “Especially since the pictures. He’s on and off depressed and angry. His hand is messed up, and he keeps breaking things faster than I can stop him. He might get angry at some point while we’re here.” 

“Angry?” Fin said with a laugh, “He looks like someone killed his puppy Liv. He was holding onto your hand like you’re the air he breathes.” 

“Oh just you wait Fin. He’s destroyed a mirror, a mug, a pillow, among other things,” Liv replied. She was about to continue when she saw Rafael peering out the window at her. He was staring, like he wanted her to come back. His big eyes were almost too much for her. “Let’s go into a room and talk some more,” she said with a sigh. They took a seat at the table. “Rafael is doing better physically,” she said. “But mentally, he’s struggling. His wires are off for those of you who didn’t hear. Right now, he needs a lot of support from all of us. He’s terrified of Marc finding him. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind a visit if any of you wanted to drop by for a little bit once he’s doing a little better.” 

“And don’t mention the cast,” Sonny said, snorting softly. Fin’s eyes went wide, 

“What cast?” he asked. 

“He punched a wall and a mirror,” Liv clarified, “And a certain little boy wanted him to get a pink cast.” Fin and Amanda’s faces were priceless, but then they sobered up. 

“I don’t really know where we need to go next with this investigation,” Sonny admitted, “How can one man just disappear?” 

“He has a lot of resources,” Liv said. “Nothing came from the credit card purchase he made with Rafael’s card?” 

“I mean there was security video of him, but by the time we got there, he was long gone. He was driving a Mercedes-Benz, but we found that abandoned, so he must have gotten another car,” Rollins said. “We haven’t found anything promising since.” 

“I hate not being able to give him good news. He seems so scared,” Sonny whispered. “I don’t know if I can handle letting this case go cold Liv.” 

“It’s Barba,” Amanda said. “We’ve got to find a way to get this guy.” 

“Making this personal won’t help,” Fin said, being the voice of reason as usual. “Rafael needs you to think about this clearly. Let’s get him a detail to keep an eye out, and Rollins and I can drive down and see if we can get a lead on his new car.” Liv nodded, and she was about to go and talk to Rafael about it when there was a loud crash against the interrogation room window. She sighed, knowing exactly what it was. 

“Perfect,” she groaned. Everyone else was looking around at eachother wide-eyed, “Carisi,” she said standing up. “You get to play babysitter again. You have a half hour to come up with some way to get his anger out safely,” she said, rushing out of the room and to her office. He was chucking books at the window, grabbing papers from her desk and throwing them. “Rafael,” she said. “What’s the problem?” 

“What’s the problem?!” he yelled. “He’s still doing whatever the fuck he wants while I sit on a damn couch and cry my eyes out!” He punctuated his frustrated outburst by throwing another book, rattling the window. He picked up a chair, like he was going to throw that too, and Fin rushed in, grabbing him. 

“Shit, Fin, no,” Liv said, but it was too late. Rafael started struggling and panicking. 

“Barba,” Fin said softly. “Put the chair down.” Rafael was not listening though. He was freaking out. He struggled, starting to scream. 

“Fin, you’re making this worse,” Liv said, approaching the situation slowly. 

“Rafael,” Fin tried again, “Put the damn chair down before I make you.” Rafael seemed to hear that, so he dropped the chair. Something shifted in his demeanor, and he stopped fighting. 

“Please don’t hurt me, please, I’ll do anything. Just--Just don’t hurt me,” he started pleading, his eyes filling with tears. 

“Jesus Christ Fin,” Liv said, grabbing Rafael, and pulling him against her. “Hey, Rafa, it’s Liv, it’s okay.” He started pulling away, not listening to her. 

“Please don’t, I’ve had enough, please. I can’t,” he mumbled, tears spilling down his cheeks. 

“Rafael, no one is going to hurt you,” she repeated, trying to get this under control. He started to finally snap out of the flashback after some more coaxing from her, and he collapsed against her completely. 

“Liv,” he sobbed. 

“I know, I know, it’s okay,” she promised. “It’s going to be alright. Let’s sit down again.” She eased him onto the couch, holding him close as he cried. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” 

“Shhh, it’s alright. It was just Fin. He didn’t mean to scare you,” she murmured. 

“Fin, I’m sorry,” Rafael said, and Fin patted his shoulder, looking worried. 

“Don’t sweat it man,” Fin said. 

“I’m gonna get you some water, just hug this pillow for a bit,” she said.“It’s gonna be okay.” He took it, holding it against his chest and squeezing it tight. When she went out into the squad room, Fin followed after her. 

“Tell me again that you two aren’t a thing,” he teased, and Liv knew he was trying to make her feel better. “He just melted into your arms.” She shook her head at him, 

“He just needs some extra affection right now,” Liv told him. Fin snorted. 

“Whatever you say Liv,” he said, and she rolled her eyes. 

“I think you owe him an apology,” she said. 

“What are you talking about?” he said, “He was about to throw a chair through the damn window.” 

“And he thought someone was going to rape him because you grabbed him,” Liv hissed, her voice so sharp it could cut diamonds. Fin made a face at her. “Just say you’re sorry. It would mean a lot to him.” 

“Fine, but you owe me,” he said. Liv took him back a cup of water, and Fin trailed behind her, “Rafael,” he said. “Sorry I scared you.” Rafael nodded softly. 

“It was my fault anyways,” he mumbled, pressing his face against the pillow he was still clutching.

“Here, drink this,” Liv whispered, sitting down beside him. She had to talk him into drinking a little bit of the cool liquid, but once he started, he downed the cup. She rubbed his back. “It’s gonna be alright. You’re tired, lay down.” He laid on his side again, resting his head on the pillow, and he shut his eyes, tears dripping from his cheeks on to the pillow. “I’ll be right back.” 

“Liv,” he whispered pitifully, but she shushed him, trying to keep this under control. 

“I promise you, just a couple minutes,” she replied. 

“Okay,” he relented. She went back out into the squad room. 

“Fin, Rollins, get going. Carisi, you have twenty minutes and counting,” she said. She collected the paperwork she needed before going back into the room. Rafael gratefully laid his head in her lap and sniffled as she started working. It took him a little bit to fall asleep, but she was glad he was finally out. He obviously needed the rest. When Carisi came in, she was anxious to hear his idea. Rafael wasn’t going to last long before the anger was back. 

“Ax throwing!?” she said after he told her his idea. She had to lower her voice after a moment, so she wouldn’t wake Rafael. “You want to give him an ax?” 

“You gave him a gun,” Sonny said, crossing his arms, “It’ll be fun. He’ll have a blast, and most importantly, he’ll get some of his anger out.” 

“Fine Carisi,” she relented. “But if he gets so much as one cut on his finger, you’re gonna be chained to that desk until Mandatory Retirement. You will text me every half hour, and if he starts to panic or dissociate in any way, you will call me immediately. Do you understand?” Her voice was was low and threatening. 

“I promise,” Carisi whispered, hands up. Liv just hoped it wouldn’t turn out horribly. 

…………………………………………..

Rafael was steaming as he walked next to Carisi. “What the fuck is this even supposed to do?” he whispered. “This is idiotic Carisi. More so than usual.” 

“Just give it chance Barba,” Sonny said, paying the man at the front. Rafael grumbled a few more times, shoving his hands in his pockets. Carisi carried the hatchets, and there was an instructor who showed them how to throw the axes correctly. Carisi stood back, giving Rafael some space. He wasn’t sure he wanted to be anywhere near him when he had an ax in his hand. Rafael picked one up, looking it over and turning it around in his hand. 

“This still sounds idiotic. I’m gonna look ridiculous,” he grumbled. He sighed, tentatively drawing his arm back before throwing the hatchet. It barely hit the outside of the target, but it stuck to the wall. Something about it was cathartic, a release, and Rafael found himself picking up another ax and throwing it harder. 

“That’s it Rafael, get it out,” he encouraged. Rafael clenched his jaw, chucking the next one harder. He kept going, sweat pouring down the back of his neck. He threw them until he didn’t have anymore. Sonny went and collected them, bringing the pile back and letting him start over. He was starting to lose steam though, feeling exhausted until something else came out of Carisi’s mouth. “Imagine the target is Marc.” Rafael froze for a second, and Carisi looked like he wanted to take back the words immediately, but Rafael grabbed and ax and threw it so hard it felt like he dislocated his shoulder. It landed smack in the middle of the target though. He started throwing them with renewed vigour, and when he went up to collect them, he pulled most of them out until he got to the last one, and he could just picture Marc’s face, picture him laughing, and he started to see red. He started hacking at the target, letting out a tortured noise until he just sunk to the ground and cried. The outpouring of emotions was overwhelming. He sat there until he heard Carisi beside him, talking nervously on the phone with Liv. He let Carisi take him out to the car, and on the way back to the precinct, he started to feel better, but he couldn’t resist an opportunity to mess with the blonde detective. Carisi was glancing at him every few seconds, and Rafael kept up the act. When he got to Liv, he collapsed into her arms like he’d done earlier. “Carisi said….” he trailed off, dissolving into fake sobs, and Liv started whispering angrily at Sonny. Rafael couldn’t help, but start laughing then, and they both looked at him like he was a little bit crazy. “I’m sorry….I couldn’t help myself. He started freaking out,” he whispered. “I was feeling better by the time we were in the car.” They both just seemed happy to see him laughing though, and Carisi smiled at him. He felt like he had gotten a lot of anger out despite how ridiculous he had felt the whole time. “Thanks Carisi,” he whispered. 

“Sure thing Counselor.” 

…………………………………………..

Rafael was in a fairly good mood when Liv took him over to Amanda’s house. She was going to get some paper work done while he played with the kids. Amanda and Fin were still checking out the car lead anyways, so they were relieving her babysitter until she could get back. He was still worn out from earlier, but he wasn’t angry and he wasn’t crying which she considered a big step in the right direction. She let him inside, and he was smiling, looking around for Noah. They found him in the living room, and his eyes went wide with excitement when he saw Rafael. Rafael gave him a big hug, and then she got a hug from her son who she missed very much. Noah talked both their ears off for a few minutes before Rafael convinced him to go sit down. “Are you guys gonna stay over?” Noah asked. 

“No sweet boy,” Liv said, pulling him closer to her, so she could hold him. She missed seeing him every day, and she wanted to spend some time with him before she started working. “I’m hoping that you can come on home on Friday though.” 

“Really?” Noah asked, a big smile on his face, and she nodded. 

“Uncle Rafa and I are going to stick around for awhile until Aunt Amanda gets home,” she explained. They watched tv for a little while, and then Rafael ordered dinner while Liv got started on some of her work. She watched as he sat on the floor with Noah and Jesse, playing with blocks and dolls and whatever else they wanted to do. That amused them until the food arrived. Liv was focused on her work when she felt someone the couch dip beside her. She looked over and saw Rafael smiling and holding a container of take out food for her. 

“Do you have five minutes to grace us with your presence?” he teased, a small smirk on his face. She shook her head at him, but came over to the table anyways to eat with them. Rafael, Noah, and Jesse were eating spaghetti, and she made a mental note to get him a big steak whenever his jaw was healed enough to chew it. After they ate, Rafael turned on a movie to try and occupy Noah and Jesse’s attention, but they were more interested in climbing all over him. Liv wasn’t sure how, but after about fifteen minutes of Noah hanging off his back and Jesse pulling at his arm, they got him to give them piggy back rides. He started out one at time, but soon she saw him with both kids hanging onto his back and she grimaced, 

“Noah, be careful with Uncle Rafa,” she called. Rafael looked red faced and exhausted, but he powered on, carrying them around and swinging them and making them laugh. Eventually though, he ran out of energy and plopped down on the couch, Noah and Jesse groaning. 

“One more time Uncle Rafa,” he begged, but Rafael shook his head, 

“One more time and Uncle Rafa is gonna have a heart attack,” he whispered breathlessly. He was panting, laying his head back, eyes closed as he tried to recover. Noah cuddled up against his side after that, and Jesse on the other side as they quietly watched the movie. Liv finally started to make a dent in her pile, and by the time Amanda was home again, she was almost done. When Liv heard the door open, she looked up and saw Amanda coming inside, looking tired. After a glance at the couch where all three of them were asleep, she asked softly, 

“How’d it go?” Amanda sighed, coming closer and setting her things down before answering. 

“Well, we think he’s driving either a Camaro or an Impala. The salesman either couldn’t remember or wouldn’t tell us,” she said, sighing. “Fin is gonna try and get some sort of surveillance, but it was a couple weeks ago. It’s a stretch, but we’re gonna try.” 

“Good, that’s a good shot,” Liv said. “It’s something. Good work today. I’m gonna get him home. He’s exhausted. Thank you for keeping Noah for me. The past few days have been bad.” 

“It’s no problem,” Amanda said with a smile. “He’s been very well behaved after he realized Barba wasn’t going to die while he was here.” 

“He got very attached, very fast,” Liv said. “They’re good for each other.” 

“Fin said….is there anything going on between you two?” Amanda asked, and Liv blushed. She wasn’t sure. She didn’t want to speak too soon on something that was so tentative and unformed. 

“I’m gonna plead the fifth on that,” she replied. Amanda grinned at that.

“It’s just a matter of time,” she said, grinning. Liv just shook her head, going to wake Rafael up. It was time to get him home. 

………………………...

After another night of holding Rafael through nightmares and sobbing, Liv was seriously worried. He wasn’t sleeping and he certainly wasn’t in a good spot mentally. She wasn’t sure what to do anymore. As she laid in bed, looking down at his finally peaceful face, she tried to figure out some way that she could help him. He had been so miserable just a couple hours earlier. She wanted to somehow talk him into going to some sort of therapy. He had been so resistant to it though every time she mentioned it, and she didn’t want to upset him any more than he already was. His reaction to Fin was what worried her the most. He not only was having a panic attack, but he actually thought that Fin was someone else. Someone who was going to hurt him. Liv had been so angry with Fin for grabbing him like that. She would have rathered Rafael throw the chair through the window than what happened. 

“Liv?” Rafael’s voice was soft. She was surprised he was awake so soon. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” she asked gently, hand running over the top of his head as he looked at her sleepily. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “I--I need you.” 

“I know Rafa. I know this is so hard for you, but I promise this is going to get better. I’m right here,” she promised. “And I’m not going anywhere.” He turned over, pressing his face against her stomach, shutting his eyes again. 

“L-Love you,” he whispered, his voice muffled against her skin. She was stunned to hear it come out of his mouth, but it warmed her heart. 

“I love you too,” she said, but he was already dead to the world again. She would just have to tell him over and over again until he believed it. She held him close for a few more hours, rubbing his back until he woke up for real. He was quiet, looking miserable and staring at the oatmeal she made him. He wasn’t eating much which also worried her, “Rafa, do you want something else to eat? I can make you eggs or pancakes….” He just shook his head, taking a small bite and offering her a weak smile that really was barely a raise of his lips, but she appreciated the effort from him. “Can we talk?” she asked when it was clear he wasn’t going to eat anything else. 

“Talk away,” he whispered, staring at the table. 

“Rafa, I’m worried about you,” she said, and he snorted, 

“You’re just now figuring that out?” he said sarcastically. “Great work  _ detective _ .” 

“Rafael, I’m being serious, listen to me,” she said, wishing he wasn’t throwing up walls so fast. “I think you need to seriously put some thought into seeing someone.” 

“Liv, I told you I don’t want to,” he said firmly, 

“I don’t know that you’ve really considered this,” she argued. “You have to think about it rationally.” 

“Rationally Liv?” he hissed. “I can’t think rationally about anything. I feel like I am falling apart.” 

“I know Rafa, I know, but that’s exactly what I’m talking about,” she said. He was getting prickly and defensive, and she knew she had to get him to calm down before she would get anywhere. “You trust me right?” His angry gaze softened back to the kind, green eyes she was used to, and he nodded once. “If I didn’t really believe you needed to talk to someone, I wouldn’t be having this conversation with you.” He dropped his head into his hands, and she wanted to stop, but she had to push through, “Do you remember what happened yesterday?” 

“I freaked out,” he whispered. 

“Yes, you freaked out, and when Fin grabbed you?” she prompted. 

“I thought someone was going to rape me again,” he said, starting to break down. Liv rubbed his arm, “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry, but that was not healthy Rafa. I think it’s really important that you give it a try. For me,” she said, scooting closer so she could comfort him better. “Therapy really helped me Rafa. Look at me. I’m doing so well, and none of that would have been possible otherwise. I’m just asking you to give it a try.” 

“Okay,” he sobbed, pressing his face against her shirt. “I’ll try it.” 

“Okay, good, good,” she whispered. “I know this is hard.” He didn’t say anything for a long time, his sobs breaking her heart. She held him through it though, comforting him and trying to keep him calm. He laid on the couch for a while, staring at the ceiling, and she gave him some space. It wasn’t until about lunch time that he called for her. He was still laying in the same spot, clutching his pillow and looking at her with teary eyes. 

“I’m sorry I got mad earlier,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean it.” 

“I know Rafa. Don’t be upset. It’s okay,” she assured him, and he nodded gratefully, “You know what might be fun?” 

“What?” he asked softly. 

“Maybe tonight, you could go out for a little bit, maybe get some drinks,” she suggested. He shrugged, turning on his side and shutting his eyes as he hugged the pillow closer to him. “Half hour and then you need to get in the shower,” she said, patting his side. He grumbled, but didn’t argue, pressing more of his face against the couch. “I promise this is gonna get better.” 

“I don’t know Liv,” he whispered. 

“Would I lie to you?” she asked, and he shook his head. 

“You’re not in my head though,” he argued. She stroked the hair back from his face. 

“Just trust me on this one,” she murmured. She got him in the bathroom, but he wanted a  bath instead of a shower, so she helped him wash his hair and his body, toweling him off, and he looked better after that. He seemed much more refreshed and his mood seemed to improve. She got him to eat some yogurt and watch a tv show with her. He didn’t talk much, but he smiled and laughed at the funny parts. She had been texting with Fin who offered to take Rafael out so she could have a break. She just wasn’t sure if Rafael would be okay with that. He had migrated over towards her more and more as the movie went on, and she moved her arms so he could rest his head in her lap. “Rafa?” she whispered, scratching his back. 

“Hmm Liv?” he asked. 

“Would it be okay if Fin took you out for drinks?” she asked, hoping he would be okay with it. He turned, looking up at her. 

“Fin?” he asked. “Does he even want to go out for drinks with me?” 

“Yeah he offered to take you,” she replied. Rafael was quiet for a minute, and she worried he was getting upset again, but then he finally nodded. 

“I guess that would be alright,” he whispered. 

“And if you need me, you can just call,” she said. 

“I’ll be fine Liv,” he said. Liv smiled, hoping that he was right. 

…………………………………..

Rafael pulled at the button down he was wearing, trying to straighten it out and flatten the wrinkles. He felt nervous, but excited in some ways. He hadn’t been drinking in forever. It felt like a lifetime since he’d been to Forlini’s. Fin was waiting for him, but he was stalling, trying to get ahold of his nerves. The jeans he was wearing felt tight, and he considered going to change, but a knock startled him. “Rafa? You okay in there?” He didn’t want Liv worrying about him. She was already putting so much effort into taking care of him, and she deserved a night where she didn’t have to do anything. He pulled himself together, coming out of the bathroom.

“I’m good,” he said, tucking the phone in his pocket and tying his shoes. He headed down to Fin’s car, Liv following behind him. 

“If you need something, I’m just a phone call away. Have fun,” she said, squeezing his arm. 

“I’ll be fine,” he replied, “I’ll see you later.” He climbed in the car, buckling his seatbelt, but Liv was whispering with Fin outside the car. He checked his hair in the mirror, trying not to think about the fact that they were talking about him. Fin climbed in a moment later, shooting him a smile, 

“Ready to have some fun?” he asked, and Rafael nodded. “Good, cause tonight, you can just let go.” 

Rafael snorted before before replying, “Last time I let go, I ended up like this.” Fin was quiet for a few minutes, before Rafael turned to look at him, “That was a joke.” Fin laughed a little bit then. Rafael was fairly reserved until they were seated at the bar, and he needed to order a drink. He was so happy to finally get his hands on a nice glass of scotch. “Macallan on the rocks please,” he said, snacking on the peanuts that were in a bowl at the bar. “Thanks for dealing with me tonight,” Rafael whispered. 

“Aw, come on Barba, I offered to do this. I thought we could have some fun,” Fin replied, nudging him. Rafael smiled shallowly. 

“I know you’re just doing this for Liv,” he mumbled. Fin shrugged. 

“Believe what you want man, but either way, you might as well try to have a good time,” Fin said. Rafael was grateful for the arrival of his drink. He took a sip, grimacing at the burn in his throat. It was nice and smooth, and he shut his eyes, having missed the ability to unwind after having a stressful day. It was depressing to him that sitting around with Liv all day was enough to stress him out, but it seemed like most things did at this point. He shut his eyes, downing the rest of his drink and signally the bartender for another, 

“No ice this time,” he said. Each drink seemed to dull both his senses and his memories, leaving him with a warm feeling his stomach and a fuzzy mind. He was on his third glass when his mind started wandering to Liv. She was so beautiful, her brown hair that he wanted to run his fingers through, those soft brown eyes that could melt his heart with one look. Thinking about her soft skin had him feeling flushed. He could imagine himself pressed against her, mapping out every inch with his hands and his mouth, worshipping her like she deserved. “You know I kissed Liv,” the words were out of his mouth before he could even think about what he was saying. 

“You what?!” Fin asked, eyes wide. Rafael clumsily turned to look at him, almost losing his balance on the stool.

“I kissed her. She’s sooo pretty,” he slurred, taking another sip from his glass. “Her lips are so soft. I love her ya know.” His thoughts were consumed by Liv, “And…” he said, setting the empty glass down and motioning for another before turning back to Fin, “She kissed me back.” 

“So are you two...together?” Fin asked, and Rafael shook his head. 

“I don’t deserve her,” he whispered, picking up his new glass and starting on it. “She and Noah deserve a lot more.” 

“You know she’d probably smack you if she heard you say that. She’s always liked you a lot,” Fin said, and Rafael shook his head. “I think you had her since before you knew it Rafael. You should see the way she looks at you sometimes.” 

“I haven’t done anything to deserve her. She deserves the world,” he murmured into his glass. 

“You two are disgusting,” Fin said with a laugh. “Give yourself a break though, trust me, Liv’s had some bad experiences with men. You’re better than you think,” Rafael just took another gulp from his drink. 

“I just need to get ahold of myself. All of this happened because I’m an idiot,” he murmured, running his fingers through his hair. “I kind of asked her out sort of…and she said no, and I just...I felt worthless and then Marc and I met at a bar.” 

“Don’t beat yourself up over that scumbag, he drugged you,” Fin said. “And then he broke into your apartment and attacked you. He’s crazy.” 

“That’s what Liv said too,” Rafael whispered. 

“Well if you don’t believe me, listen to her. She wouldn’t lie to you,” Fin said. Rafael smiled, looking down at the bar, 

“I know she wouldn’t.”


	9. Chapter 9

Liv was sipping at a glass of red wine, sitting on the couch with her feet up when she heard a knock at the door. She had been relaxing for a few hours, but Rafael was in the back of her mind all evening. She couldn’t help but worry about him. Noah had been disappointed he couldn’t talk to Rafael on the phone, but he thankfully hadn’t panicked like the other nights. “Liv, I’ve gotta get going!” Fin’s voice sounded out, and Liv went to go say goodbye. She waved to Fin while Rafael took his shoes off. 

“Thanks Fin,” she said before turning to Rafael, “Did you have a nice time?” 

“Yeah it was good,” he said. The dopey smile on his face made her laugh a little bit. It was nice to see him fairly relaxed. 

“You want to come sit down? We could watch something,” She said. 

“Yeah, just uh, just give me a second. I want to get my charger,” he replied, turning to head down the hallway. She took a seat, waiting for him, but five minutes passed and then ten, and he was still in the bedroom. She set her wine down, going to look for him, 

“Rafa,” she called, “Hey, are you alright back here?” 

“Yeah, yeah sorry. I got distracted,” he said, coming back out into the hallway. The charger wasn’t in his hands though, 

“Do you need help?” she asked, taking a step towards his room, but at the same time, he stepped forward, likely on the way to the living room, and their bodies were suddenly perilously close. She could smell the scotch on his breath as he leaned down, pressing his soft lips against her own. He tasted like alcohol, but she was sure he could taste the wine she had been drinking. His hand came up holding onto her shoulder, like it was anchoring him to the present. His lips were hungry and the kiss was almost overwhelming at first like he thought she might pull away, but when she wrapped her arms around him, he slowed down, lips moving against hers languidly. She couldn’t help but bring her hand up, thumb stroking over his cheek as she cupped his face, her fingers brushing against his sideburns. His skin was so hot, his hands on her hips, steadying himself. Her thoughts were flying around at lightning speed and all she could focus on was how good he felt. He was breathless, his tongue delving past her lips, dancing with her own, and he groaned softly into her mouth. His hands moved to her back, pulling her impossibly closer to him, and their bodies were so close it felt like they were one. Liv was pressed back up against the wall, and Rafael pulled back just a second, looking down at her, wonder in his green eyes as he took a few soft breaths. She looked up at him, wanting to stay that way forever. He looked at her like she was his whole world, and it made a warm feeling swell up in her chest. His hand moved from her back to her side, stroking up and down over her ribs. He leaned down once more, brushing her lips softly a few times, slowly working up to the breathless, deep kisses that made her head spin. He had her boxed in, his hand cupping the back of her skull, pressing his lips more firmly against her own. 

“Oh God,” he mumbled in between kisses. She took his free hand, pulling it up to her breast. His hand was warm as he gently curled his fingers in, groping her tentatively at first. His thumb brushed over her nipple through her shirt and she sighed, arching into his touch. One of her hands trailed down his back, groping his ass and pulling him tight against her. He moaned appreciatively against her neck where he was pressing his lips as his erection brushed up against the inside of her leg. She shifted, planting her thigh against his crotch, providing solid friction and pressure. He rolled his hips slightly, sighing as she threaded her fingers through his hair, holding his lips against the hollow of her neck. He scraped his teeth over the sensitive skin, making her gasp. His own leg lifted slightly, pressing against her core. They kissed like that for what seemed like forever, touching, hands wandering under clothes, over smooth skin. Her fingers brushed over the soft hair that trailed from his belly button into his jeans. His skin was soft, but his body felt so solid. She brushed the pad of her thumb over his hip bone before her fingers delved under the waistband of his boxers. She could feel how hard he was against her thigh, but she wanted to feel it for herself. The first brush of her fingers over his heated skin had his hips jerking forward, a gasping breath hurtling from his throat. He clutched at her like he was going to faint, 

“That okay?” she whispered, smiling against his lips as he heaved in breaths, 

“Liv,” he whined, nodding his head frantically, 

“How about we take this to bed?” she asked softly, and he swallowed, but nodded again, taking a step back. He tripped on his own feet, stumbling slightly as he fell on his ass. Her first though was that he might be hurt which worried her, but then she really looked at his eyes, seeing the redness and the glassy look. She swore softly. He was a lot more drunk than she had initially realized. She knelt down beside him, and he started to push himself up, 

“M’okay,” he slurred, and she hung her head. She wanted him so badly, but he was obviously heavily intoxicated, and now that she was thinking clearly about it, she realized how bad of a decision it would really be. He was obviously vulnerable, and she certainly thought he needed therapy. He needed to be okay with himself before there was a chance for them, or it would fall apart before it even had a chance to thrive. She knew he would regret it later, regret being sloppy drunk their first time. She wanted to wait until they could both experience it fully, until they were both ready, so she forced herself to push his hand away when he reached for her, 

“Here, come on,” she whispered. “We need to talk.” His eyes went wide and he looked worried. 

“But Liv,” he said. “I don’t wanna talk.” 

“Too bad, come on,” she said. It took her forever to get him up to his feet, and he was a little off-kilter as she steered him into the bedroom, “I think you need to get some sleep.” He looked at her, sad eyes breaking her heart. “Rafa,” she whispered. “I want this, don’t think I don’t. I want you, but now is not the time. You are drunk.” 

“No,” he said. “I feel fine.” She couldn’t help but laugh as he tried to convince her, pulling away and trying to keep his balance, but he almost fell over again. 

“I’m sorry Rafa,” she whispered. “Not tonight.” She pressed a kiss to his forehead, and he made a pouty face at her, looking down at the obvious bulge in his pants sadly, and she burst out laughing again. She rifled through his bag, finding some pajama pants and helping him out of his shirt. As she was unbuttoning it, he reached out to touch her again, and she had to swat at his hand which just earned her another pouty face. He got the message then though, letting her pull his jeans off without any issues. She wrestled him into his pants and then he climbed under the covers, laying his head down on the pillow. She wasn’t sure how wise it was, but she climbed in beside him after changing quickly into her own pajamas. She turned out the lights, facing away from him, but she smiled when she heard his tired voice, 

“Love you,” he whispered. 

“I love you too Rafa,” she replied immediately. Things were definitely looking up. 

………………………….

Rafael’s head felt like it was swimming. He groaned as he opened his eyes just a crack, light pouring in and assaulting his confused brain. He wasn’t entirely sure why his head hurt so much, but it was a heavy ache that made him just want to hide under the blankets for the rest of the day. He vaguely remembered going out drinking with Fin, but the rest of it felt like a blur. That at least explained the nausea that was welling up inside him. He crawled out of bed, feeling terrible and dizzy as he stumbled to the bathroom. He was leaned over the toilet, throwing up when he felt Liv kneeling beside him and the sudden closeness made him flash back to the night before. Liv pressed up against the wall, her lips against his own, and he felt even worse. What had he done? He settled back, sitting down for a second before he managed to stand up. Liv helped him to the sink so he could brush his teeth. Afterwards, he slowly walked out to the table, sitting down with his head in his hands. He remembered kissing her, and he remembered her pushing him away, swatting at his hands as she helped him into pajama pants. He sighed softly, cursing at himself. 

“Is it that bad?” Liv’s voice was soft and filled with humor. He couldn’t believe she was even talking to him anymore. 

“It’s horrible,” he whispered. “Why are you even talking to me? I am so sorry,” 

“Oh….oh okay. I understand. Let’s get you some breakfast and coffee and then we’re gonna talk,” Liv said.“It’s not nearly as bad as you think. Trust me.” She leaned down and pressed her lips against his, shocking him. She pulled back, “It’s okay, I promise.” One more peck and she was going into the kitchen to make him breakfast while he sat there and stared straight ahead, feeling so confused. Liv definitely wasn’t mad at him though which was comforting. She brought him a big cup of coffee and some orange juice which he sipped at. The warm coffee tasted heavenly. It had been way too long since he had a nice cup of coffee. The eggs and toast she brought him next made him feel vaguely nauseous because of his headache, but he started picking at them, finally realizing how hungry he really was. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. She nodded, sitting down beside him and waiting for him to finish his food. It didn’t take him long to eat, and then he sipped at the coffee and swallowed the advil she brought. “Please tell me what’s going on,” he said, looking at her pleadingly. 

“Do you remember what happened last night?” she asked. 

“Sort of?” he whispered, “I remember kissing you, and then at some point you pushed me away, and I didn’t stop.” 

“That’s not even half of it,” she said with a laugh, “You came home after drinking with Fin, and yes, you kissed me, but I kissed you back. Actually, we were about to go to the bedroom when you wiped out on the floor and I realized you were drunk.” He was starting to understand now, relief fooding him. “And I didn’t want to do anything you might regret. Especially not after what happened with Marc. I think, right now, you have to focus on yourself, and I would just be adding extra stress. I’ll be here, waiting for you, as long as it takes though. I want you to be 100 percent sure.” He felt emotion overtaking his entire body, tears starting to prick his eyes. He had wanted to hear that from her for so long. He sucked in a shuddering breath, trying not to completely lose it. The entire situation reaffirmed his trust in her. He knew no matter what he thought the night before when he was drunk, he probably wouldn’t have been ready to do much past kissing anyways. She hadn’t taken advantage of anything, and more importantly, she had been watching out for him, thinking about what would be best for them both. He knew Liv was safe, and that was something he desperately needed at the moment. “Are you feeling okay?” 

“Better than I have in awhile,” he whispered, smiling at her. 

………………………………………………………….

Noah was grinning, following Liv inside. Eddie was tucked under his arm, and he looked so excited. It hurt Rafael’s heart to see him so relieved just to be home. It made him feel even worse for being the reason Noah had been stuck at Amanda’s for so long. Noah looked at him for a moment before going down the hallway, and Rafael’s heart dropped. Was Noah angry with him? He wouldn’t blame him if he was. Rafael just stayed on the couch, staring down at his lap. He made himself breathe over and over again, trying to keep calm. Freaking out would just make this worse. He had been doing better which wasn’t saying much considering where he started. He was up and eating, sleeping for most of the night without waking up screaming in a cold sweat, and more of the time than not, he was actually doing something rather than staring off into space. 

“Hi Uncle Rafa,” Noah’s voice was soft and timid. It wasn’t the excited exclamation he usually received. 

“Hi,” Rafael said softly. He could feel Noah eyeing him, and he felt tears building up in his eyes. He stood up, going in the hallway for a walk. He needed some space to calm down. He didn’t want to cry in front of Noah. He took a few steps down the hallway, tears escaping his eyes. He interlaced his fingers behind his head. The sound of the door opening alerted him to Liv’s presence in the hallway. 

“You okay?” she asked softly. He didn’t even turn to face her, not wanting her to see the tears in his eyes. 

“Yeah,” he whispered, “I’m fine,” Liv approached him cautiously, her hands going to his shoulders. 

“Talk to me Rafael, what’s wrong?” she asked. He just shook his head, but he didn’t pull away. 

“It’s nothing, let’s just go back inside,” he said. She nodded, opening the door up for him. He sat back down on the couch, turning his attention to the cartoon Noah was watching. “What are you watching little man?” Rafael asked. Noah shrugged. 

“Just tv,” he whispered. Rafael wrapped his arms around himself, trying to stay calm. Everything was fine. Noah hated him, but it was fine. He kept his eyes on the tv, telling himself that he would be okay. “Uncle Rafa?” Noah’s voice was soft. Rafael tried to take a deep breath and calm himself down enough to talk with Noah. 

“What’s up?” he asked softly. 

“Are you mad at me?” Noah asked. Rafael turned to Noah, his eyes wide with worry as he pulled him closer, 

“No, absolutely not. Why would you ask that?” he said. 

“Cause Mommy told me to leave you alone,” he said, “I thought maybe you were mad,” 

“Noah, I’m not mad, I promise,” he said, “Your Mom probably wanted to give me a little bit of space. The last few days have been long. I’m feeling better now Noah. You don’t have to leave me alone,” Rafael explained. Noah scooted closer, leaning onto Rafael.

“I missed you lots,” Noah said. “But I had fun with Jesse and Aunt Amanda.” 

“I’m glad you had fun,” Rafael said softly, “And I’m sorry you couldn’t be at home because of me.” 

“It’s okay Uncle Rafa, sometimes I’m sad too,” he said, “Sleeping over with Jesse was fun. We played with her dolls.” Rafael listened to Noah tell him all about the days he spent at Amanda’s apartment, and he smiled, glad that Noah hadn’t been miserable because of him. 

………………………………………………………..

Rafael was cold when he woke up. He snuggled further into the blankets wrapped around him, shutting his eyes again. He wished he wasn’t feeling so down, but the last day or two had been hard for him. He just wanted to lay in bed for a few more hours. He could see the snow falling out the window, and he turned, grabbing his phone. It was early, seven in the morning, and when he focused on the date, his eyes went wide. It was Christmas. Days were blending together at this point, and half the time, he didn’t even know what day of the week it was. He pulled the blankets tighter, shutting his eyes again. If there was one thing he wasn’t doing this morning, it was intruding on Liv and Noah’s Christmas. He would ask Noah if he liked the presents he bought him later, and that would be that. It wasn’t like he ever did anything on Christmas anyways. It was quiet for a few moments before his door burst open. “Noah!” Liv’s voice was a soft hiss, “I told you to leave Uncle Rafa alone. He’s sleeping,” 

“But Mommy, it’s Christmas.” Noah whined, “I want to give Uncle Rafa his present.” 

“Noah, maybe later. Come on,” she said. Then the door shut, and Rafael felt bad. Noah got him a present? Or maybe Liv got him a present from Noah, but either way, he should probably go out there. He didn’t want to impose though. He wanted to let them have Christmas the way they usually would. He slowly stood up, running a hand through his hair. Now that he was up, he wanted some coffee at least. He couldn’t decide what to do. He pulled on some sweatpants, going to the bathroom and starting to wash up a little bit. He splashed some water on his face, combed his hair and cleaned his fingers the best he could without getting the cast wet. After he felt presentable, he ventured out into the kitchen, pouring himself a mug of coffee. He looked to the living room, smiling at the decorations. He and Noah had spent hours hanging lights and putting tinsel on the tree. His eyes strayed to the fireplace and suddenly there was a lump in his throat. Liv must have hung stockings after he went to bed the night before. There were three. One for Liv, one for Noah, and one on the end that said Rafa, stitched into the stocking with red thread. He didn’t have time to think about it before Noah spotted him, 

“Uncle Rafa!” He yelled, standing up with a big smile on his face. He grabbed Rafael's hand, dragging him towards the living room, “Come onnn, it’s time to open presents.” Rafael let Noah pull him over to the tree, and he took a seat on the floor. Liv was watching, the amusement clear on her face. He scooted over closer to her, resting his head against her leg, “Can I give Uncle Rafa his presents?”

“Noah, open yours first,” Rafael said, “I promise I’ll open them,” he said with a smile. He didn’t have to tell Noah twice. Liv moved down to the floor beside him instead of sitting on the couch, and they both watched as Noah ripped wrapping paper from his presents. He had piles of presents, new toys and baseball gear all from Liv. the pile of presents he bought Noah was still under the tree, wrapped in different paper. He couldn’t wait to see Noah open them. When Noah had all of his presents open from Liv, she directed him towards his second pile that was a lot smaller than the first, but Rafael was sure Noah would be happy. Noah picked up the first present, pulling the paper off and the look on his face made Rafael smile. 

“What is it sweet boy?” Liv asked. Noah was too busy staring though, 

“Uncle Rafa, thank you, thank you,” he exclaimed, rushing over and hugging Rafael. Liv took the paper from Noah, and she smiled at him, 

“Are you trying to show me up?” she asked, a soft smile playing on her lips. 

“I can’t help if I’m his favorite,” he teased, and Liv laughed.

“I cannot you believe you got him Mets Tickets.” Rafael just grinned at her. 

“I know people,” he whispered. Liv shook her head. After Noah finally opened all his presents, Rafael pulled the pile out that he had bought for Liv. She took them, eyeing him carefully. As she slowly unwrapped them, a smile broke out across her face. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. “This is gorgeous. You didn’t have to get me this.” She was looking in the box at a gorgeous diamond necklace. 

“I couldn’t help myself,” he said. “Only the most beautiful necklace for the most beautiful woman.” 

“You’re too much,” she said softly. The next box had a pair of matching earrings, and he got a soft kiss on the cheek for his trouble. He wanted nothing more than to plant a kiss on her lips, but he held back. He needed to control himself. He needed to wait until he could get through all of the emotions. Liv would be waiting. She opened the other presents that were considerably smaller, but certainly made her happy. Making both of them smile after everything they had done for him made him feel warm inside. It made him feel good. “Don’t forget I bought you presents, and actually someone else got you something too.” 

“Can I go first?” Noah exclaimed, “I want Uncle Rafa to open my present.” 

“Sure sweet boy, how about you get it for him?” she said. Noah grinned, jumping up and grabbing the messily wrapped present. He handed it to Rafael who looked at Noah with shining eyes before looking back down at the present. 

“Thank you Noah,” he said softly before starting to unwrap the paper. It was a white mug, a big mug that said ‘World’s Best Uncle’ across the ceramic. Noah was grinning at him, and Rafael felt the tears starting to drip from his eyes. “Come here and give me a hug,” he said softly. Noah gave him a big hug, and Rafael pressed his face against Noah’s hair. “Thank you.” 

“Mommy helped me pick it out,” Noah said with a big smile. 

“Well I’ll have to say thank you to her too then,” he said, running a hand over the back of Noah’s head. 

“Alright Noah,” Liv said softly, “Why don’t you go get dressed and brush your teeth. We’re going to see Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny and Fin in a little bit,” Noah nodded, running off to get dressed, and it was just the two of them. “Here,” she said softly, pushing his presents towards him. He picked up the first one, starting to pull at the paper. As he slowly revealed the maroon fabric, he had to swallow hard. It was soft. He unfolded the tee shirt, tears pouring from his eyes as he realized what it was. 

“Oh my god Liv,” he whispered. He hugged the shirt tightly, trying to get ahold of himself. It was depressing that a tee shirt could make him cry. 

“Sometimes little things can make us feel so much better,” she said softly. “I know that shirt meant a lot to you.” 

“I can’t thank you enough,” he whispered, throwing his arms around her. It looked just like his old Harvard tee shirt. It was less worn, but it was perfect. It was a piece of himself that he had back. It was something Marc took that was returned. 

………………………………….

Rafael looked at himself in the mirror. This should have made him feel more like himself, but all it did was exaggerate how much he’d changed. He hoped he would be able to gain a little bit of weight back soon because his dress shirt felt baggy. The suit was loose in a few areas, and he sighed. He pulled the jacket off, laying it on the bed and sitting down. There was a knock on the door before Liv came inside. “Hey,” she said softly. “You almost ready?” 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. She put a hand on his shoulder, sitting beside him. 

“You alright?” she asked. He shook his head, pulling at the buttons of the shirt angrily. 

“I look ridiculous,” he whispered, “I lost so much damn weight. I can’t even wear my own clothes,” Liv rubbed his back, hand brushing over the shirt that was now too big. 

“So you’ve lost a little bit of weight,” she said. “It’ll come back once you’re back on a fully unrestricted diet. Trust me. So you can’t wear a suit for this. I’m going to wear a sweater, and you can too. It’s going to be alright,” 

“I know it sounds stupid, but it matters to me,” he said. He stood up, pulling his shirt off and throwing it into his duffle bag. 

“I know it matters to you Rafa, and I wish I could waive a magic wand and make this better, but I can’t do anything,” she said. She went to his bag, digging around until she found his olive green sweater and a pair of jeans. “Up, no moping on Christmas. Put on these clothes, and we are going to go have some fun.” He stood there watching as she left the room with her own clothes, the sweater clutched in his hand. He stood there for just a moment before taking his slacks off. He stepped into his jeans, pulling on the sweater and going out to find Liv. There were socks that Liv had bought him as part of his presents, and he grabbed the patterned Christmas socks that were honestly so tacky, he couldn’t believe he was putting them on his feet. They were dark green with little ornaments. He pulled on a pair of boots, waiting for Liv and Noah to appear. Noah had on a green long sleeve and a Santa hat which made him smile. Liv didn’t take much longer, also wearing green. “See, it’s cute. We all match. Let’s go. We’re going to be late.” 

“Yes Ma’am,” Rafael teased, and she glared. He and Noah followed her down to the car, climbing in. The ride the precinct went by quickly, and when they went into the squad room, most people were already there. 

“Hey Barba,” Amanda said when she saw him. He waived, shoving his hands in his pockets afterwards and sticking close to Liv. Noah went with Fin who was making him laugh and flying him around the squad room while Rafael and Liv were talking to Carisi and Rollins. Well, Liv was doing most of the talking. Rafael was just following her around like a lost puppy. She nudged his shoulder when Sonny went to get punch. 

“Come on, stop being sad. This morning was good,” she said. He shrugged. 

“I just don’t know that I belong here anymore,” he whispered. “I still feel so awkward around everyone.” 

“That will pass,” she promised. “Remember, you have goals to work towards. Just focus on getting better everyday.” 

“I can try,” he whispered. “I’m gonna go talk to Carisi or something.” She smiled, glad that he was willing to give it a shot. Rafael went over towards the snack table, getting a plate and starting to pick out finger food. He wanted some scotch to take the edge off his anxiety. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so nervous. He knew all of these people better than most anyone else. He didn’t have to worry, but he felt out of place. He felt like he didn’t belong. 

“You’re looking good. How’s your hand?” Sonny asked. Rafael shrugged, taking a bite of a soft finger sandwich. 

“It’s feeling a little better,” he said softly. “They’re supposed to take this cast off in a week or so and put on a second one.” 

“What’s the point of that?” Sonny asked. 

“They want to check the wounds on my hand and make sure they don’t get infected,” Rafael replied. 

“Shit, that reminds me, I have to talk to Rollins about a case. I’ll be right back,” he said. Rafael nodded, moving off to the side a little bit more. He pulled out his phone scrolling through missed emails. There were dozens of them, and all they really did was stress him out, so he put his phone away with a sigh. He was standing there, alone until suddenly Fin was pushing Liv towards him, and he frowned. Noah was at Fin’s side, giggling the whole time. Fin finally stopped when Liv was standing right in front of him, 

“I have no idea what’s going on,” Liv said softly. 

“Me neither,” Rafael whispered. 

“Oooh Barba, you’re under the mistletoe,” Rollins said with a laugh from across the room. Rafael felt himself starting to blush. Liv looked up, seeing mistletoe hanging above them. 

“I guess we’re both under the mistletoe,” Liv said, shooting him a soft smile. He swallowed. 

“Guess you guys should kiss,” Fin said smugly. 

“I don’t know,” Rafael said. “I really--I don’t think--”

“Shut up Rafa,” Liv said, and he closed his mouth. She pulled him closer, “Just kiss me. It’s fine.” 

“Liv, I--” 

“Rafael, kiss me,” her voice was stern. He swallowed hard. 

“Okay,” he breathed, “Okay.” He leaned in, his heart pounding in his chest, their lips connecting softly. It sent a jolt through his entire body, heat building the more they touched, and when he finally pulled away, there were whistles and catcalls throughout the room. He blushed. 

“Good,” she whispered, hand running over his back, and somehow that made it all okay. All he cared about was Liv’s opinion of him, and her praise made his chest swell with pride. 

…………………………………..

Rafael was laying in bed, Liv’s arms around him. She was gently running her hands over his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Quiet. You can’t help having a panic attack,” she said softly. She pressed a kiss to the back of his neck, “Is this alright? Am I helping?” 

“Yes, you’re helping greatly,” he replied, his voice barely audible. 

“Good. Just try and breathe. It’s going to be alright,” she whispered. He nodded, curling in on himself more. 

“Where’s Noah?” he asked. 

“He’s at Amanda’s remember? He wanted to go hang out with Jesse again, so it’s just you and me until the party tonight,” Liv said. He closed his eyes, focusing on his breaths, “Is there anything else I can do that will help?” 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, “I’m feeling a little shaky,” 

“You haven’t eaten in awhile, let’s go move out to the couch. We can watch a movie to try and distract you. It’ll be alright,” she suggested. He nodded after a second, but sitting up felt like a lot. “I know you can get up. I’ll help you.” She always seemed to be in tune with his needs. She was good at reading him, at noticing his body language. Her arm under his shoulder was helpful, and she helped him to sit up and get to his feet. She kept a hand on his elbow, steadying him as they walked towards the living room. He took a seat on the couch, and Liv draped a blanket over his shoulders. He clutched it around himself, pulling tight. She went into the kitchen while he tried to get ahold of himself. He was feeling better than earlier, but he certainly wasn’t feeling normal. When Liv came back, she handed him a sandwich and some water, and he started picking at it. Liv curled up beside him, and he leaned against her. Once he finished his sandwich, he set the plate on the coffee table, and Liv kissed his cheek. “Do you need anything right now?” He shook his head, “You’re doing so good right now. Keep your head up,” she whispered. 

“Say that again?” he asked softly. 

“Keep your head up?” she asked, and he shook his head, “You’re doing so good, perfect really. You’re perfect Rafa.” He sighed, letting her words comfort him. She ran her hand over his hair, and he shut his eyes again, “I called Lindstrom, he said he can fit you in after the holiday.” 

“Fantastic,” Rafael mumbled. Liv shook her head at him, but she didn’t press. He was going, and that was good enough for now. She ran her hands down his arms, over his biceps, and over his new, green cast. They had just given him the new one a day before, and Noah had already scribbled all over it. “Liv,” he mumbled, “I need something. I need help.” He needed grounding. 

“Alright, look around the room for me, find me something for each shade of the rainbow,” she whispered. 

“Liv, I need more,” he said, “I need you to scratch me or pinch me or something.” He wanted something physical. 

“Let’s try this,” Liv said softly, tilting his face so she could press her lips against his. He melted into her touch, kissing her back. They were soft kisses, over and over again, mostly just presses of their lips until he opened up for her. She dragged her fingers through his thick hair, running the other over his skin up under the soft Harvard shirt she bought him for Christmas. “Is that okay?” She asked softly between kisses, and he nodded. 

“Yeah, it’s helping,” he mumbled. He could literally feel the tension draining from his body as she kissed him. He was calming down. He was starting to feel like himself again. She was tethering him to the present, and he never wanted to let go. 

………………………………………

Rafael sipped at champagne, standing off by himself. Liv was talking to Fin and Carisi in the corner, and there were Unies and other DAs around, but Rafael kept to himself. He wasn’t feeling particularly social at the moment. He did feel much better than earlier though. Liv had helped him a lot. She always did. She seemed to always know exactly what to do, and that was a comfort to him. He always felt like he could trust her to help him no matter what was wrong. He took another sip of the champagne, looking out the window at passing traffic. “Hey,” Liv’s voice was soft. “How are you feeling?” He hadn’t even realized she was behind him at first. Her hand on his back was comforting though. 

“I’m okay. Just not in a party mood I guess,” he said. 

“It’s almost midnight,” she whispered. “You want another kiss?” He didn’t have time to answer as people started counting down, “Cause I think you’re gonna get another one.” He nodded minutely, turning towards her as they got down to one. Liv grabbed him, hand cupping the back of his head to keep him steady, and she kissed him hard. Not just a soft brush of the lips like earlier, but a firm kiss, her lips pressed hard against his own, her tongue dominating his mouth. He gripped her shoulders, holding on for dear life as she ravaged him. He couldn’t think of a better way to start the new year. 

…………………………….

Everyone was finally gone, and Rafael was in the best mood he’d been in all day. He picked up some of the cups from the table, throwing them in the trash, and the living room was mostly cleaned up. “Hey,” Liv’s voice was soft. “That was fun.” 

“The whole party or the part where your tongue was down my throat?” he asked, and she smiled warmly at him. 

“The whole party, but especially the part where my tongue was down your throat. I think I want to do that again,” she said. He nodded. “Good,” she whispered. “Now come here.” He took a few steps forward, Liv taking his hand. “You and I are going to go lay down and just kiss for awhile,” she said. “Any objections from the prosecution?” 

“None your honor,” he said, letting her pull him towards the bedroom. 

“Good,” she murmured, backing him up onto the bed. He was shaking just slightly though, and she wanted to check in with him one more time, “Take it easy. Just kissing,” she promised. “You tell me if you need to stop, okay?” He nodded. She leaned over him, pulling at the buttons of his shirt while she started trailing kisses up to his mouth. He sighed, his hands scrambling to find something to hold onto. He ended up grabbing at her shoulder and her lower back, pressing their bodies closer together as he scooted up the bed. Liv’s hands were all over his chest and stomach, reaching under his shirt, her lips on his neck. He felt breathless, grasping at her. “Does that feel good?” she asked softly. He nodded, feeling lightheaded. He pulled her back up to his lips, wanted to be as close to her as possible. Every touch had him arching into her more and more. The kisses built in heat and passion, but then it was getting to the point where it felt like his skin was on fire with sensation. He was feeling overwhelmed like he was going to short circuit. It was like Liv noticed the change, and she slowed down, winding down to a stop. She rested her head on his shoulder, running her hands over his bared chest as they laid together. “Did you have a nice time tonight” she asked. 

“The best,” he murmured, shutting his eyes. There was no better feeling than falling asleep with Liv next to him. 

………………………...

Liv was holding his hand. That’s all he could focus on. Otherwise, he would freak himself out. He had promised her he would try, so that’s what he would do. He could feel his body shaking. “Hey, it’s alright. He’s really nice, I promise.” 

“I don’t know Liv,” he whispered. “I just don’t want to talk about it.” 

“It’s going to make you feel better. He’s going to help you feel better,” Liv promised. She wrapped an arm around his shoulders, rubbing small circles on his back, “Try it today for me. We can talk about how it went tonight, okay?” He nodded. She was right. He knew she was right. The panic attacks and the pain that had just been getting worse recently or stagnating, they needed to stop. He couldn’t take the stress. He needed to find a way to get ahold of himself. He needed to find a way to cope. He just hoped that Lindstrom would be able to get him there. He hoped he would be able to find himself again. Lindstrom was his opportunity to improve, to be good enough for Liv. He somehow had to find a way to open up even though it was terrifying, even though it would hurt. Talking to someone honestly felt impossible. Liv was the only one he trusted enough to tell. 

“Rafael?” the man’s voice was soft and calming which was comforting to Rafael. Liv let go of his hand, and he swallowed, standing up. He kept his eyes glued on the ground, following Dr. Lindstrom inside the room and taking a seat. Lindstrom smiled warmly at him. He twitched around nervously, trying to calm himself down. “I’m Dr. Lindstrom,” he said, holding his hand out for Rafael to shake. Rafael took another breath before taking the offered hand and shaking it, 

“Rafael Barba, but you already knew that,” Rafael said softly. Lindstrom smiled at him again, and it was strangely comforting. 

“You want to tell me a little bit about what brings you here today?” Lindstrom asked softly. Rafael sighed, running his fingers through his hair. He felt like he was being watched carefully, so he tried to focus on something else. 

“You mean besides Olivia?” he said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood. Lindstrom laughed softly, but it was clear he was still waiting for an answer. “I was attacked,” he finally admitted softly. 

“You mind telling me how long ago?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael had to think. Time was blurring together. 

“About a month, a little more I think,” he said eventually. “I’ve been trying to deal with it on my own and with Liv’s help, but it’s getting to be too much.” 

“Well, I’m very glad you’ve agreed to come talk with me today then,” Lindstrom said. “Do you think you might be able to give me some more details about what happened?” Rafael had to take another deep breath.

“Um,” he said softly. He had to turn away for a second, tears filling his eyes. 

“Take your time. You don’t have to tell me all of it today. We can work through this,” Lindstrom said, and that comforted Rafael. He crossed his arms, rubbing his hand over his bicep. 

“I was assaulted,” he admitted. It felt like a little bit of a weight off his chest to admit that to someone other than Olivia or a police officer. “Twice actually.” 

“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Lindstrom said, and when Rafael looked up into his eyes he felt like the man was being genuine which was helpful. 

“It was someone I knew, and the police still don’t have him in custody. I haven’t been home since it happened,” he said. “I’ve been staying at Liv’s house.” 

“Would you consider Olivia your main support system?” Lindstrom asked, and Rafael nodded. 

“I don’t have anyone else,” he whispered. 

“No parents or siblings?” Lindstrom prodded, frowning slightly. 

“My mother and I do not have a good relationship,” Rafael said, “And we haven’t for a very long time. My father is dead, and I don’t have any other family.” Lindstrom nodded, writing something down while Rafael squirmed around slightly. 

“Can you tell me a little about your relationship with the man that hurt you?” Lindstrom asked, but Rafael shook his head. It was too early for that. He didn’t feel like he could. “Alright, that’s okay. Maybe another time. How about you tell me about how you’ve been dealing with this so far then.” That question was much safer. 

“I’ve been focusing a lot on my physical health. My jaw was broken, I was bruised everywhere, I had a concussion, among other issues. I talk to Liv a lot, especially when I’m really upset, but sometimes it’s hard because I know she’s putting in so much effort to try and keep me above the water when I feel like I’m drowning,” Rafael replied softly.

“Have you expressed that to her?” he asked. Rafael shook his head. 

“She would just brush it off. She’s an amazing friend, really, she’s what’s keeping me going right now. Without her, I’d be nowhere,” he said, picking at a thread that was loose on his pants. 

“In the last two weeks, how many days would you say you’ve felt down, depressed or hopeless?” Lindstrom asked. Rafael frowned. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “A lot. Probably almost every day.” Lindstrom nodded, 

“When you’re feeling poorly, what do you notice first?” he asked. Rafael had to think about that. 

“I usually get a tight feeling in my chest if I’m starting to panic or if I’m afraid. If I’m sad, it’s usually just a heavy sense of tiredness and dread. I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything,” Rafael explained. 

“Have you ever thought about hurting yourself?” he asked. Rafael swallowed. 

“Maybe fleeting thoughts when it gets really bad,” he said, clenching his hands. 

“Often?” 

“No, only occasionally,” Rafael said. He could feel himself blushing. 

“Let’s try a few breathing exercises, and then I’m going to talk with you about what to do if you start to feel panicked,” Lindstrom said. 

“Can Liv come inside when we talk about that?” he asked softly. “I think it would be good if she knew too.” 

“Sure, if that’s what you want,” Lindstrom said. He showed Rafael a few breathing techniques that he wanted him to practice. Rafael did what he said, and it did calm him down some even then. When they were finally done, Lindstrom went to go get Liv who was still in the waiting room. When she walked in, he couldn’t help but smile. Her presence was enough to make him feel a lot calmer. She pulled up a chair, patting his hand. “We were just going to talk about coping strategies. When he has a panic attack, how do you usually handle it?” 

“Usually I try to talk him out of it. I’ll tell him that it’s going to be okay, and I’ll try to talk him out of whatever is scaring him. I’ll remind him to breathe,” Liv said. “When it’s really bad, I’ll hold him.” 

“Usually after a nightmare or if I’m having a really bad day,” Rafael said, “Sometimes, I’ll take my shirt off, and Liv will too. The skin on skin contact calms me down.” Lindstrom sat there, staring at them for a second. He looked between them before writing something in his notes. “Is that...okay?” Rafael asked. He hoped it was because it worked really well for him. Lindstrom opened his mouth to answer, but then shut it again. After a second though, he finally replied, 

“Well, it’s not what I would use as a first option. I’d like you to try and control yourself when possible without Olivia’s help, but if it continues to escalate, I don’t see why not. What we’re looking for here are ways that work for you. The breathing exercises I just showed you are your first tool to help yourself. At your next appointment, I think maybe we’ll try some light meditation, and we’ll go from there. How does that sound?” he asked. Rafael nodded. It sounded good. He was surprised at how light he was feeling. Maybe therapy wouldn’t be so bad.

………………………………………………..

Rafael rushed out of Lindstrom’s office, looking for Liv’s car. They were going to be late. He had been distracted during his session, and when they did the meditation exercise that was quickly becoming his favorite, he had gone over the end time. He finally spotted the car, jogging over and getting into the passenger seat, “We’re going to be late,” Liv said. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he replied. “I got distracted.” He was shocked at how much the therapy was helping him already. He was feeling better and better everyday. The progress was clear. He didn’t feel nearly so hopeless when he woke up in the morning. He felt capable of going out with Liv if she wanted. He was still beating around the bush when it came to actually describing the attack to Lindstrom, but he was pretty sure that was going to get easier.  Liv reached for his hand as she drove, and he couldn’t help but smile. It felt right. The soft touches were getting more and more normal. More casual. A hug when she came home from work, a hand on his lower back when she passed by him in the hallway, a hand on his leg when they were watching tv. It was nice. He never wanted it to end. He never wanted to go home, to be alone again. Liv was his anchor. She was rushing to the hospital though because it was finally time to get his cast off, and it couldn’t happen soon enough for him. It felt like his hand was suffocating inside the green plaster cast. His skin smelled like sweat and grime, and he was honestly counting down the minutes until it was off and he could take a shower. They rushed into the hospital together, hand in hand, and he checked in right on time. It was only minutes before a nurse came looking for him, and Liv sat with him in the room while the doctor took a look at his x-rays and gave the final go ahead. They sawed through the plaster, and a nurse had to cut through the padding with scissors before he could slip his arm out of it. His wrist felt stiff, and he grimaced. He wanted to clean up. He was barely listening as the nurse told him how to take care of it for the next few days. He had enough of hospitals. More than enough. He never wanted to go to the hospital again in his life if he could help it. 

“How’s it feel?” Liv asked while she gathered up his things. 

“Stiff and disgusting,” he replied. 

“Oh cheer up,” she said. “Let’s go home. You can pick the movie tonight.” He sighed but nodded, following her out to the car. When they got in the apartment, he went straight to take a warm shower, running hot water over his arm and gently soaping it up. It felt nice to not have to wrap his arm with a plastic bag while he showered. After his shower, he dried off and wrapped a towel around his waist before going to the bedroom to find some clothes. He was digging through the bag when Liv came in, wrapping her arms around him from behind. He stood up, and her hands smoothed over his stomach,  her lips brushing over the area between his shoulder blades, “I ordered pizza.” 

“Mmm,” he hummed. “Sounds good.” She spun him around, pressing a kiss to his lips, and he smiled. “What kind?” He whispered in between pecks of their lips. 

“I got a cheese pizza for Noah and pepperoni for you,” she said, and he smiled, pressing their lips together again. 

“Is he almost home?” he asked. 

“Yeah, Lucy should be dropping him off soon,” she replied, her fingers tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck. “You better get dressed,” she said, her hand running over his damp back. “Too bad,” she said. He could feel himself blushing as she left the room. He quickly dressed himself in a tee shirt and pajama pants, ready to settle in for the night. Noah was hyper when he came in the door, and he was very excited for pizza. They all settled on the couch, Liv leaning against him as they turned on the movie he picked. Noah was cuddled up on his other side. Rafael wasn’t sure anything had felt so right in years. 

……………………………………………

Rafael sighed, standing in front of the mirror. He wanted to wear a suit, but they were all still too baggy. He didn’t like the way they looked. He dug around his bag until he found the new shirt he bought at the store the week before. It was a whole size smaller, and it probably wouldn’t fit across his biceps, but he pulled it on anyways, buttoning it up. It was really tight on his shoulders and his arms, but it did fit. He picked out a tie that looked acceptable, slipping into the tightest suit he owned. It was still baggier than he liked, but it was a hell of a lot better than before. It would have to do. It felt good to dress up again, and when he looked at himself in the mirror, he smiled. He was starting look normal again. “Hey you, aren’t you looking spiffy this morning,” Liv said, her arms curling around his waist. He covered her hands with his own, 

“Nothing but the best for Noah’s Job Day,” he said softly, turning around to catch her lips in a soft kiss. She smiled, leaning her cheek against his chest. He held her close, savoring the affection. He wasn’t sure what they were at this point. They hadn’t talked about it really. They were just letting it progress naturally and going with it as it happened. 

“Are you and Noah going out for lunch still?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“I’m gonna take him for some spaghetti,” Rafael said. “And I’m gonna have some Scotch. I think I’ll need it after all these kids.” 

“They’re gonna eat you alive,” Liv teased. She laughed when he glared, “Oh, calm down, I’m joking. It’s going to be fine. They’re gonna love you.” She tightened his tie knot even though it looked perfectly fine, pressing one more soft kiss on his lips. “I’ve gotta go. Good luck today Rafa. Noah is brushing his teeth right now.” 

“Thanks Liv,” he said softly. “I love you.” 

“Love you too Rafa, I’ll see you tonight,” she said before she rushed out of there. He couldn’t wipe he smile from his face after that. He knew he probably looked like a dope, but he couldn't help it. He fixed his tie one more time before going into the hallway, 

“Noah? Buddy, we gotta get going or were going to be late!” he called. Noah appeared after a few moments, backpack slung over his shoulder. The ride to his school was short, and Rafael walked Noah into class, sitting in a chair beside the little boy’s desk. He sat through a few boring presentations before it was finally his turn and he cursed softly at himself. His hands were shaking. Noah smiled though, taking his hand and leading him up to the front of the room. 

“This is my Uncle Rafa,” he said with a big grin on his face. “He works with my Mommy. He’s a lawyer. He puts all the bad people in jail, and he makes me feel safe. He’s really good at arguing with people.” Rafael smiled softly, holding in a laugh, but what Noah said next made his cheeks heat up, “My Mom said he could charm the pants off a Nun.” 

“Yes, part of my job is persuading a jury,” Rafael said, stepping in. “Do any of you know what persuading means?” He spent about a half hour breaking down his job for Noah’s class before it was over. He was smiling afterwards. It had actually been a lot of fun, and it was kind of nice to talk about work again. Noah was grinning at him and showing him off to all his little friends which made Rafael feel like the coolest man in the whole world. He had felt so small for so long, but Noah was making him feel like he was made of gold. Once they finally got a minute alone, he couldn’t stop himself from asking. “Noah?” he said, trying not to laugh. “Did your Mom really say that thing about me and a Nun?” he asked, and Noah nodded. Rafael laughed softly. “Alright then, you ready to go get some spaghetti for lunch?” Noah nodded, and Rafael grinned. Making Noah smile like that made his whole day better. 

…………………………………………………

Rafael was sitting on the couch when Liv walked in the door. He felt so good. Going to Noah’s school had been great for his mental health and his self esteem. Noah made him feel like a superhero. “Hey you,” she said, crossing behind the couch and putting her hands on his shoulders. She leaned down by his ear, “How was job day?” 

“Very fun,” he said, turning his head to catch her lips in a kiss, “How was work?” 

“Oh, the best,” she said sarcastically. “I am exhausted.” She plopped down on the couch beside him, and he smiled, “You ready for that steak I promised you?” 

“Oh, more than ready,” he said. His jaw had been getting better and better, and he was working up to tougher and tougher foods. He finally felt like he might be able to eat a steak without having too much pain, and going out for dinner with Liv wasn’t something he was going to turn down. 

“Let me just change really quick, and Lucy should be here soon to watch Noah,” she said softly, and he stood up, wanting to get out of his suit. He followed Liv back to the bedroom. She picked out a more comfortable outfit, and Rafael pulled on jeans and a sweater. It was nice, very domestic. They both hugged Noah goodnight before heading down to the car. As Liv was driving, Rafael couldn’t help but laugh as he thought about earlier, 

“Noah said something funny today,” he said softly. 

“What’s that?” Liv asked. 

“He said that you said I could charm the pants off a Nun,” Rafael said, chuckling. Liv was quiet for a second. 

“I did say that,” she eventually said, slowly, and he laughed. 

“Context?” he asked, and she blushed, 

“You had just won a big case, I was talking to Carisi. It was a joke,” she said softly, and he couldn’t help but laugh again. He patted her leg, 

“Well he told his whole class today,” he said. “Don’t worry though, I thought it was hilarious.” 

“The things kids hear,” she said softly, shaking her head, “So,” she said, after a few moments of silence, “Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I was wondering if you would be okay if we maybe did something,” 

“What something?” he asked, swallowing. 

“Just a date. We can see what happens,” she replied. He took a breath, but he nodded. 

“Yeah, okay, yeah. That would be great,” he finally said. 

“You just have to tell me if something is too much or too soon,” Liv said, peeking over at him, and he nodded. It wasn’t too soon, or at least, he hoped it wasn’t. Their relationship was progressing, and he wanted to be ready for that. He was ready to give it a try. “Promise me Rafa.” 

“I promise,” he said softly.

“Alright, I’m gonna see if Sonny can keep an eye on Noah,” Liv said with a grin. 

“I’m really excited about this steak,” he said, and Liv smiled, reaching for his hand. They walked in together, after Liv parked. He ordered a scotch for himself, trying not to feel overwhelmed by the thought of a Valentine’s Day date. He hadn’t been on one in so long. A date with Liv was so intimidating, but it was what he wanted all along wasn’t it? This was basically a date wasn’t it? He shook his head, trying to calm down and not psych himself out. It was just him and Liv, and it was supposed to be fun. 

“You okay over there?” she asked, and he nodded, reaching across the table for her hand, “I can hear you overthinking.” 

“I’m working on it,” he whispered, “A lot,” 

“How are you feeling about therapy?” she asked. 

“It’s really helping,” Rafael replied, “I’m very grateful you talked me into it. Lindstrom really makes me feel safe enough to talk.” 

“Well, I know a thing or two about feeling broken,” she said. He smiled sadly. “We’re quite the pair.” When his steak finally came out, and he took the first bite, he had to close his eyes. It tasted so good. It was better than anything he’d been able to eat so far. There was only so much he could have when his jaw was so tight, but now he was getting back to his normal self. Physically, emotionally, and mentally, he was finally getting back to where he wanted to be. It was progress, slow but sure. It was movement in the right direction. Everything with Liv felt so right, it always had, and even if he was scared, he wouldn’t give it up for the world. “Seeing you smile like that is refreshing,” she said softly, and he smiled again for her. 

“I wouldn’t be smiling like this if it wasn’t for you,” he said. 

“You’ve put in all the hard work,” she said with a smile, and he couldn’t deny how long of a road it had been, but none of it would have been possible without her. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, “Thank you for helping me.” 

“Thank you for letting me help you,” she said softly. He smiled again, going back to his food. When they finished dinner, and he had a few glasses of scotch, they walked back to her car hand in hand, and he couldn’t wipe the grin from his face. He never wanted to go back to lonely nights where he sat alone in his apartment and watched movies on tv to try and ignore the silence. Now he spent all day with an energetic little boy who loved him more than anything and a woman who loved him. Liv loved him. When they made it inside, laughing softly at each other, it was dark and they both headed back towards the bedroom. Rafael sat down on the bed to pull his shoes off, but then Liv climbed on beside him, and he looked over at her. The way the moonlight streamed through the window and hit her face just right, she looked beautiful. He was just buzzed enough that kissing her seemed like a really good idea, so he leaned over, shifting so he could pull her closer and brush their lips together. It was soft at first, tentative, but then she forked her fingers through his thick hair and confidence soared through him. He eased her back down on the bed, balancing over her and pressing their lips together. His hands trailed over her shoulders, down her side, and he pressed himself closer to her. “Rafa,” she whispered, and he nuzzled his face against her neck. 

“Hmm,” he mumbled, kissing her skin softly, feeling her racing pulse under his lips. 

“You’re so perfect,” she whispered. “You’re amazing.” 

“You’re amazing,” he mumbled back, returning to her lips. He wanted to taste her everywhere, but he didn’t have the confidence to do anything more than kiss her at the moment. Her hands trailed up under her shirt, running over his warm skin, over his back and her lips were firm against his own as she dragged him closer. 

“You doing okay?” she asked softly between kisses, and he mumbled a yes. His hand ran over her thigh, up and down her leg, and he felt breathless and drunk on the taste of her lips. She vaguely tasted like the wine she had been drinking at dinner, the fruity grape taste dancing across his lips. She gently grabbed his wrist, pulling his hand up to her waistband. “Touch me Rafa,” she whispered. He gulped, “Are you alright?” 

“I’m not sure,” he whispered. “I-I’ll try.” 

“If you need to stop, just stop,” she reminded him, and he nodded. She gently guided his hand into her jeans and under her panties. The warmth and wetness made him shiver. He felt clumsy and disjointed as he kissed her, his hand shoved under her jeans, and when her hand started inching up his thigh, he tensed up. He practically jumped when she groped him through his jeans, gasping, and pulling away slightly, “No?” He thought about it for a minute before shaking his head, 

“Not tonight,” he said, and she nodded. She grabbed at his hand, pulling it up and under her shirt instead so he could palm her breast.

“Let’s take a step back then,” she said softly. “We’ll get there eventually,” He nodded, swallowing heavily, there was something about her directing him. Something about her controlling the situation. He ignored it though, going back to kissing her neck as he gently cupped her breast. It was easy but heated as they made out on the bed until she finally pulled away, “I think it’s time to call it a night,” she whispered. “You’ve been drinking, I’ve been drinking. We should get some sleep.” He nodded, stripping down to his boxers and cuddling up beside her.

“We have to do that again sometime,” he whispered, and she smiled at him, the promise of much more to come clear in her eyes. 

……………………………………..

He had changed his shirt three different times. At least his shirts fit him now though. He was putting on weight, finally, now that he could eat normally again, and he was starting to fill out his clothes like before. He was feeling more and more comfortable in his own skin. He finally settled on a pink shirt, it was Valentine’s Day. He could feel his hands shaking as he straightened his collar and tightened his tie. He wanted to look perfect for Olivia. She was supposed to be home very soon, and he could barely contain himself. He had a bouquet of roses waiting for her on the counter. They were going out for Italian at Forlini’s because there was no better place he could think of. They had already spent so many nights there, so many nights together, pouring over case notes and talking. It meant something special to him, to them. He was trying to fix a wayward strand of hair when he heard the door open, and he scrambled out to the kitchen, grabbing the bouquet and waiting for Liv to look up at him. She looked a bit frazzled and a lot tired. “I’m sorry I’m late,” she said softly. “We picked up a case late, and I--I got stuck. I didn’t mean to--” 

“Liv,” he said softly, and she looked up, her face relaxing as she saw him, “Go put on some different clothes, and let’s go get something to eat. Stop worrying.” He was smiling, and she couldn’t help but smile back. He felt his chest swell with pride, knowing that he made her feel better made him grin like an idiot. She was constantly making him feel better, constantly comforting him, and knowing he made a difference, even just a little bit meant the world to him. She appeared a few moments later, wearing a gorgeous pink dress that made his jaw drop. “You-You look stunning,” he said softly. “Absolutely breathtaking.” 

“See, I knew you could charm the pants off a Nun,” she joked, and he laughed. He felt calmer already. 

“I’m serious Liv, you’re beautiful. Don’t you dare think otherwise,” he whispered. 

“Thank you,” she said, taking the roses, and smiling. “These are amazing and thoughtful.” It was then that he noticed that she was wearing the diamond necklace he bought her for Christmas and the matching earrings were sparkling. “Let’s go,” she said softly, taking his hand. He let her lead him from the apartment and down to a car. He didn’t want her to have to drive around tonight. They climbed in the back together, sitting so close, the entire sides of their bodies were touching. He had been thinking about this night for so long. He felt like it was a huge step in their relationship. He felt like it as a huge step forward for himself, a step in the journey back to being himself. Their fingers were intertwined, resting in his lap, and he stroked over her skin with his thumb, moving over her knuckles and the back of her hand, It was comfortable, and he didn’t feel like he needed to talk. Being around Liv was always comfortable. They could talk for hours or they could sit in comfortable silence. She looked over to him, her lips curling up into a smile, her hand rubbing down his forearm. “You’re awfully quiet tonight,” Liv said softly. “Are you alright?” 

“I’m just admiring you,” he whispered. “How was work?” 

“Long, complicated. You know how it goes,” she said. “Most of the time I’m wishing I was at home with you.” That made him smile. 

“Just come home then,” he whispered teasingly, and she shook her head at him, smacking his arm.

“Don’t tempt me mister,” she said. 

“I’m a troublemaker, remember?” he teased, and she laughed again. 

“You keep this up and I might have to arrest you,” she said jokingly, and stared at her for a second before laughing. 

“I’ve been told I’m very charming. Please don’t arrest me Officer Benson,” he said, a sparkle in his eyes. 

“Are you trying to bribe an officer?” she asked, and he held his hands up innocently. 

“Only if you’re willing to accept,” he whispered, and she smiled. 

“Maybe I’ll take you up on that later,” she murmured, leaning over to kiss him. Her hand rested over his heart, and she could feel it racing. She loved the dark look in his eyes, the way his breath had picked up minutely. She filed the information away for later, getting out after the car pulled up to the restaurant. Rafael smiled, holding the door open for her on the way in. He also pulled the chair out for her at the table, ever the gentleman. He took a seat at the table, looking over the menu. His phone started buzzing in his pocket though, and he tried to ignore it, but it kept ringing over and over again. “You can answer that,” she said, a small smile on her face. He nodded his thanks, pulling it out and frowning at it. Why the hell was Carisi calling him? 

“Hello?” he said softly. 

“Hey Barba, I know you’re out on a date, but I need to ask you an important question,” Sonny said. Rafael sighed. 

“Make it quick,” he hissed. 

“Did Marc ever drive you anywhere?” Sonny asked. Rafael swallowed.

“Yeah, he drove me a couple times,” he said. Liv was looking at him strangely. 

“What car was he driving?” he asked. 

“A Mercedes-Benz, why?” he said. 

“Was he ever driving anything else?” Sonny asked. Rafael shook his head, sighing. 

“Um…..” He paused trying to think. “One time, I think it was a BMW maybe.” 

“Shit, we have this all wrong,” Sonny hissed, “God dammit. Thank you,” he said. Rafael frowned, but Sonny hung up before he could ask any questions. 

“Can I get you a drink sir?” the waiter asked, but Rafael felt like his voice was nonexistent. 

“I--I need a minute,” he mumbled, standing up and heading towards the bathroom. 

“Rafa--” Liv said, but he was already gone. He paced around in the bathroom for a few moments, wondering what the hell Carisi had been talking about, what it meant. He looked at himself in the mirror, cursing softly before he realized he was letting Marc take more away from him. He was letting Marc ruin his date with Liv, and he was not about to let that happen. He took a deep breath, thinking about all the things Lindstrom ever said to him during therapy, and then he went back out to the table. 

“Sorry about that,” he said softly. “I’m okay now.” 

“You sure?” she asked, and he smiled reassuringly. 

“Positive,” he said. “Where’s the waiter?”   
“I took care of it,” she said softly, and he frowned. 

“You ordered for me?” he asked. 

“That’s okay right?” she asked, “You seemed a little overwhelmed, and um, I didn’t think you’d mind.” Usually he would mind. He would mind a lot, but it was Liv and he trusted her. If she didn’t know what to order him from Forlini’s, he would be shocked. 

“I don’t mind,” Rafael said softly. “It just caught me off guard is all.” 

“Good because if I ever do anything that--”

“Liv, it’s fine,” Rafael said, interrupting her, “Really,” She nodded. The waiter brought him a scotch, and he told himself he was only going to have one. He wanted to be clear headed. He took a sip of it, smiling at her. It didn’t take long for their food to come out, and he smiled, breathing in the smell of the food. He was so hungry. He caught her eyes again. “You did perfect,” he whispered. 

“Don’t sound so surprised,” she said, and he laughed. They talked and ate, and he laughed more than he had in a long time. She made him laugh when he felt awful. Liv’s smile made him grin. When they finally finished, he offered his arm to her, and she hooked hers through. “You ready to go home?” she asked. The tone of her voice made butterflies flutter around in his stomach. He wanted this so bad. 

“Yes,” he whispered, his voice low. When they climbed back in the car, she leaned her head on his shoulder, and he held tight to her hand. He was nervous but excited. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. She pulled her hand from his grasp, resting it on his thigh. Her hand was heavy and warm, and it sent tingles up his leg. She squeezed gently, and he felt his breath leave him. Her hand trailed up and down his leg, feather light touches, brushing over the inseam of his pants. Each trail down his leg went further up the next time, closer to his crotch, and she was pressing soft kisses to his shoulder and to his neck, and he could feel his cock beginning to pulse in his pants. He swallowed hard, his eyes fluttering shut. 

“You okay?” Liv asked softly, and he nodded, his mouth feeling dry. 

“Liv,” he mumbled, already feeling out of control. Her touch was so soft, and he wanted so much more, but he was on edge, trying to stay calm. 

“I’ve got you Rafa, I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere,” she said softly. When the car stopped, he pulled out his wallet with shaking hands, paying the driver, and then they started up towards her apartment. In the elevator, she started kissing his neck again, and he focused on breathing, his hands running over her arms, up and down. They barely made it in the door before she pulled him in for a deep kiss. He was off balance and unsure of what to do with his hands. He knew it was the nerves, but he was having trouble calming down. It was all so real. It was really happening. “Bedroom,” she said, and he shivered, following her lead, letting her steer him back towards the bed. He landed on his back, and she leaned over him, pulling at his clothes. Once his shirt was off, she eased up onto the bed. “What do you want to do?” she asked softly, basically straddling him. 

“I wanna touch you,” he whispered, “Will you let me?” 

“Of course,” She said, rolling onto her back beside him. He shakily pushed himself up, slipping out of his pants. He took her in, her body sprawled out beneath him. He reached under her, unzipping the dress, easing it down her body and off, leaving clad in only her underwear and bra. He didn’t even know where to start, so she kissed her lips again, savoring the feeling of her hands buried in his hair, directing him, pulling him closer, letting up. He was on top, but she was in control. As he kissed down her neck, his fingers fumbled with the clasp of her bra, and he felt sixteen again. When he pulled it off, he threw it to the floor, pressing his face between her breasts, nuzzling, kissing, feeling her skin. Her fingers brushed gently through his hair, but he wished she would grab him more firmly. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, brushing flicking his tongue across it and making her gasp and arch against him. Gently running his hands down her sides, soft motions meant to slowly work her up, and he felt satisfaction. Making her feel good was so fulfilling. He moved down, trailing kisses over her stomach before he was finally between her legs. He eased her legs up on his shoulders, nuzzling the inside of her thigh. 

“Liv,” he mumbled, and she looked down at him, her chest heaving. 

“What’s up?” she asked, “What do you need?” He blushed, shaking his head before pressing a kiss over her panties. He wanted her to grab him, to pull him where she wanted, to tell him what to do, and he didn’t understand this sudden urge. He had no idea where it was coming from, and it was embarrassing. He felt unsure, confused, but he knew he wanted it. “Rafa,” she whispered. “It’s alright. You can tell me.” He knew she wouldn’t laugh at him. He knew she would do it if he asked, but would she think any differently of him? 

“Liv,” he said, “I want you to tell me what to do.” His voice was so soft, but there was no disgust on her face, just love in her eyes. 

“Are you sure?” she asked, and he nodded, swallowing. “Alright,” she said, stroking her fingers through his hair some more. It was like she knew he needed to calm down a little bit. “Take off my panties,” she whispered, and he moved to hook his fingers in them, but then she spoke again. “With your teeth.” She looked unsure, but her voice was firm, and it sent a shot of warmth down his body. 

“Shit,” he whispered, breathing before he did as she said, dragging the lace down her legs. She grabbed his hair then, just like he wanted all along, pulling him between her legs. He gripped onto her thighs to steady himself. He dragged his tongue through her folds, moaning softly when she tightened her hold on his hair. 

“Is that okay?” she asked, and he nodded, getting to work, putting on a show for her. As he sucked and licked and worked harder, she started pulling him more. She pulled him up to suck on her clit before moving him back down, and he was rock hard in his pants, hips jerking against the bed. She pulled him back, her chest rising and falling rapidly, looking down at him with dark eyes. He could feel the wetness on his face, and he was sure his hair was sticking out everywhere. “You’re so beautiful like this,” she whispered, and he blushed, a moan tearing its way from his throat. She yanked him back down, thighs tightening around his face as he flicked his tongue over her clit over and over again. “You’re perfect Rafa, doing so well.” He let out a guttural groan. “Give me a few fingers.” He was good, obeying her immediately, and she bucked against his face. She was so close, he could feel it in her legs, so he crooked his fingers and she fell apart, thrusting against him until she finally collapsed back onto the bed. He was gasping in breath, his eyes screwed shut, cheek resting on her thigh and she stroked his hair. “Can I do something for you?” she asked softly. He looked up to her, his eyes unsure. “We’ll take it slow, trust me one more time Rafa. I don’t want to leave you hanging. That was incredible,” He gulped, but nodded, “Get on your back,” He rolled over, scooting up the bed, and she stared at him for a moment, drinking in the sight. His erection distorted the red boxer briefs he was wearing, and Liv trailed her hands up and down his legs, pressing a soft kiss to his lower belly. “I want you to be loud, don’t hold back,” He nodded, gulping as she pulled his underwear down, his cock springing free and slapping against his belly. He was rock hard and leaking, and she smiled, gently wrapping a hand around him, pumping up and down slowly to start. He tensed up, his muscles hard, and she paused, “You alright?” He nodded, breathing audibly and shutting his eyes. “Eyes open Rafa, on me. It’s just me,” 

He whined as she grasped him firmly, her thumb swirling over the smooth head, making him gasp and arch up. It was like he lost his voice, like he forgot how to talk, words lodging in his throat. He wanted to scream about how much he loved her, but it was stuck. He couldn’t say it. Instead, he gripped onto the sheets, his eyes shining with emotion. He prayed that was enough, that she would understand. His toes were curling, his body rising off the bed as she pumped him harder and faster, his shaft pulsing, lightning jolting through his entire body. It didn’t take him long to spill all over her hand, shouting her name, and then he was coming down, tears pouring from his eyes, and she pulled him close, promising him that everything was alright. She held him tight, shushing him and calming him down, leaning him on her chest, their sweaty skin sticking together as they lay in silence. Rafael had never felt so safe in his entire life. 

……………………………………….

Rafael felt exhausted. His eyelids felt heavy as he tried to open them. It was like they were stuck together. As he slowly gained more and more awareness, he noticed the hand running over his back. “Morning,” he mumbled, his voice still gravelly and breathy from sleep. 

“Good morning sweet man.” Liv’s voice was soft, “You feeling alright?” 

“Never been better,” he said, running his hands over her skin. She chuckled softly at him. 

“I think we should probably get a shower,” she said, but he whined softly. 

“Five more minutes, please,” he whispered, opening his eyes finally, squinting at the light. He trailed his fingers down her stomach, and she wrapped her arms around him, 

“Fine, but then we’re going to take a shower and you’re buying me breakfast,” she said. He mumbled his agreement, not wanting to move. Being so close to her, it felt so safe, so right. She started stroking his hair again, and he couldn’t help but smile thinking about the night before. He felt good knowing he had made it through the night without freaking out. He was proud of himself. Every detail was branded in his mind, playing over and over again, and he couldn’t stop smiling. Except for that one thing. Everytime he thought about it, he felt ashamed of himself. He had no idea where it had even come from, and after what happened with Marc, he felt disgusting. 

“Let’s take a shower,” he said abruptly, sitting up, running fingers through his hair, and Liv looked worried. She followed him to the bathroom, wrapping her arms around him under the water, pressing her lips against his back, and he let her. 

“I think we need to talk,” she whispered, and he nodded. “After the shower,” he nodded again. She rubbed soap all over his chest, down his arms and over his back. Her touch was soothing, and he tried to just relax. He didn’t think Liv was going to judge him, but it was hard not to judge himself. She massaged shampoo into his hair, pulling him in for a kiss, and he started to soap her up. They dried each other off and dressed before going out to the couch. “We need to talk about what happened last night,” Liv said, and he could feel himself blushing profusely. “You don’t have to be embarrassed.” 

“But I do Liv,” he whispered, refusing to meet her eyes. She reached for his hands, and he let her hold them. 

“Tell me then, tell me why you’re embarrassed,” she said. He was quiet for a few minutes, trying to figure out the best way to explain it to her, 

“Because I liked it….a lot,” he whispered. “I liked it when you bossed me around.” 

“What’s so bad about that?” she asked, and he gulped, 

“After what happened with Marc….” that was all he got out before she cut him off. 

“No.” she said firmly, “Absolutely not. You do not feel bad about that. He does not get to do that to you. You liking the ability to let go of control for a little while has nothing to do with being sexually assaulted.” He looked at her, tears in his eyes, swallowing around a lump in his throat. “Do you hear me Rafa?” she asked, and he nodded. “Good. If we are going to do this, we have to talk about it.” 

“Last night was good,” he said.“Really, you make me feel safe.” 

“We should take this one step at a time. If you want to try something, I want you to tell me. We can talk about it and figure it out, okay?” she asked. He smiled, incredibly grateful that she was willing to try new things for him. “I’m not used to this sort of thing,” 

“Me either,” he whispered. 

“Alright, good. You still owe me breakfast,” she said, standing up. He watched for a second as she walked towards the door to get her coat. He couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest man in the world.


	10. Chapter 10

Rafael was rushing around the apartment, collecting his things, trying to orient himself. He needed the tickets and his wallet and Noah’s glove and his phone, “Rafa!” He had to stop and remind himself to breathe. 

“Yes Noah?” he called softly. 

“We’re gonna be late. The game is starting soon,” the little boy said, coming into the kitchen where Rafael was currently trying to keep himself together. He was about to take Noah to a Mets game while Liv was at work, but it had him a little stressed out. Noah had gotten upset earlier, and he spent half the morning trying to get him to eat his breakfast. 

“Okay Noah,” he said softly, sighing. “How about you go get your glove from your room, and I’m going to get my wallet and the tickets and we can get going. Okay buddy?” Noah nodded with a huge grin that made Rafael smile. He ran a hand through his hair, looking over the kitchen and realizing he was going to have to leave the dishes until they got home which was unfortunate, but they weren’t going to make it otherwise. He found his phone on the counter, tucking it in his pocket. His wallet was there too, but the tickets were still in the bedroom. He went in there, digging through his bag until he found the envelope and grabbed it and the wrapped present. He had bought Noah a Mets jersey that he was planning on giving him once they got out the door. He looked in the mirror for a moment, straightening his salmon polo. He dug through his closet until he found a jacket, and he was about to go to find Noah when he heard the little boy call for him. “Noah? Do you have a coat? It’s cold….”

“Look Uncle Rafa, there’s someone here to see you,” Noah said, standing by the door. Standing next to Marc. Rafael felt like he was drowning in panic almost immediately. It was like time slowed down for a second, and he remembered every excruciating detail of what Marc did to him. He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, feeling faint. He wanted to grab the phone and call Liv, but he couldn’t. He needed to get Noah out of here. 

“Hey baby,” Marc whispered. “I missed you.” Rafael didn’t even know how to respond. Marc put a hand on Noah’s shoulder which made Rafael feel like he was going to throw up. 

“Leave him out of this Marc,” he whispered. “This is between you and me.” 

“I don’t know Rafael, he’s pretty cute,” Marc’s words made his blood boil. No way in hell was he ever letting Noah get hurt. 

“You don’t need him. I’m right here,” he made himself say. Marc touching him in any way was enough to make him feel ill, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice. “Just let him go and let me talk to him, and I’m all yours, okay?” Marc looked at him skeptically for a second before he nodded. 

“Come here and give me a kiss first,” he said after a second, and Rafael’s stomach was rolling. He could barely breathe, his hands shaking as he forced himself to cross the distance between them. Marc lifted his hand from Noah’s shoulder, pulling Rafael close and crashing their lips together. Rafael froze, terrible memories flooding his brain. He did his best to block them out and keep control of himself, but he was getting dangerously close to losing it. It felt like a lifetime before Marc let go of him, and he started sucking in air, trying not to cry. “Two minutes,” he whispered. Rafael swallowed, grabbing Noah’s hand and dragging him a few feet away.

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, his lip quivering. He looked absolutely terrified. 

“It’s going to be okay Noah, but you have to do what I say. Can you do that?” he whispered, brushing curls from Noah’s face. Noah nodded, tears spilling onto his cheeks. “I need you to go hide. I’ll come find you later, and everything is going to be alright. I promise.” Rafael pressed a kiss to Noah’s forehead. “I love you, okay?” 

“I love you too Uncle Rafa,” Noah whispered. Rafael wiped his eyes, standing up and turning back towards Marc. He took a deep breath, using all his energy to fight the crippling fear that was threatening to overwhelm him. Marc took a step towards him, and Rafael swallowed heavily, pushing at Noah. 

“Go on Noah. Now,” he said. 

“But Uncle Rafa, I promised I’d protect you,” Noah said, and Rafael had to shut his eyes for a second. 

“I know you did, but right now, you have to listen to me,” Rafael repeated. Noah started to argue again, so Rafael raised his voice. It was the last thing he wanted to do, but he needed to Noah to somewhere safe, so he could find some way to deal with this. He didn’t want Noah to see. “Go Noah!” Noah finally left which Rafael was incredibly grateful for. It was just him and Marc. The bigger man closed the distance between them, brushing his fingers through Rafael’s hair. 

“I missed you,” he whispered, and Rafael had to squeeze his eyes shut as Marc pressed a kiss against his forehead. 

“Marc, why are you here? You should go,” he whispered shakily, his brain racing a mile a minute to try and talk his way out of this situation. 

“Why am I here?” He asked with a laugh, “I think you know. You have a lot of apologizing to do.” 

“Okay, but I don’t think now is the time or the place Marc. Olivia--” he started to say, but Marc cut him off. 

“Won’t be home until later. I’m not stupid,” he whispered. “Now, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. You know I don’t like hurting you, but I can’t help it when you make me.” He put a hand on the back of Rafael’s neck, threading his fingers through the lawyer’s hair and pulling him closer with a hand on his hip. “What will it be Rafi?” Rafael felt a sob rising in his chest, but he swallowed it down, his eyes filling with tears as he resigned himself to his fate. Marc was so much bigger than him, and if he wanted to get out of this alive, he was going to have to cooperate. 

“The easy way,” he whispered. Marc slotted their lips together once more, and Rafael didn’t fight, but he also didn’t participate. He just focused on not starting to sob because it would make everything worse. Marc’s hands made him feel sick as they ran over his back and kept him trapped. 

“Good choice,” Marc whispered, his hot breath on Rafael’s face. He ran the pad of his thumb over Rafael’s lower lip, “I don’t know if I want your soft lips around my cock first, or if I want another go at your gorgeous ass,” Rafael whimpered. He clenched his fists so tight, he was sure the skin was going to break. This was such a nightmare. Marc seemed to consider him for another minute before he pushed him down to his knees. He had to squeeze his eyes shut, the tears finally escaping. He waited for the sound of a zipper, but it never came, and instead he felt Marc pushing his upper body towards the ground. Once he was flat on the floor, Marc’s weight basically pinning him down on his stomach, soft breath billowed against his ear as Marc whispered, “You’re so beautiful for me. Things are fine when you just relax and don’t make them harder than they have to be. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. I wanted to come earlier, but you had the police after me. Tell me you’re sorry for that.” Rafael could barely find his voice as Marc reached under him, unbuckling his belt and undoing his pants.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his cheek resting against the floor. He wanted Liv. She was the only one who could calm him down when he felt like this. He was clinging to the good memories to get him through this because otherwise, he didn’t know what to do. He thought about Liv’s smile as Marc dragged his khakis down, and he replayed the sound of her voice telling him that she loved him when Marc went for his boxers next. The sobs that he had been holding in finally escaped and his body was shaking with them. Marc kissed the back of his neck, stroking over his side, 

“It’s gonna be okay baby, I promise I’ll be gentle this time. You know I didn’t want to hurt you,” he whispered, but it just made Rafael cry harder. Marc’s jean clad hips were pressed against his ass, but he could feel the outline of the other man’s erection clearly. Marc pressed his hips forward, grinding against him slightly, and Rafael had enough. He couldn’t go through with this. No matter how much he tried to talk himself into it, he couldn’t. He was going to have to find some other way to keep Noah safe. He couldn’t believe that Marc had the nerve to break in here and attack him again, to pretend like he was the one who did anything wrong. He could feel his anger rising, and he tried to calm himself down enough to think clearly. He needed to get out from under Marc, but he was trapped. Marc was pinning his wrists to floor, but when he leaned back slightly to unfasten his own pants, Rafael was able to get his hands under him. As Marc leaned down, pressing his stomach against Rafael’s back, he shut his eyes and jerked his head back, nailing Marc in the nose with the back of his skull. As the bigger man let out a pained cry and clutched at his likely broken nose, Rafael wriggled around managing to knee Marc in the groin, sending him toppling to the ground, crying out in pain. He didn’t even spare him a second look as he scrambled to his feet, dragging his pants and boxers back up as he sprinted back to Liv’s room. He dug through his pocket, trying to get out his cell phone with shaking hands. He could barely see through the tears that were distorting his vision. He could feel his heart thumping in his chest, and he was full on hyperventilating. He was sure that Marc was right behind him, right about to reach out and grab him and drag him back to floor, but he managed to get in the room, and when he saw Noah huddled in the corner, he shut the door, locking it and propping a chair under the handle to try and keep the door shut for as long as possible. Noah was absolutely quaking in the corner, so Rafael let himself have one second to take a deep breath before he wiped at his eyes and started dialing Liv’s number with shaking fingers. He knelt down as the phone rang, setting it on the bed, 

“Noah, come here,” he said, his voice shaking. Noah looked up, his blue eyes wide with terror. 

“Uncle Rafa?” he asked, “Is the bad man gone? I’m sorry I let him inside. I know you told me not to answer the door, but you were busy and I-I didn’t mean to.” 

“Shhh hombrecito, I’m not mad, shh,” he whispered, coming closer to him. “You need to listen to me right now. He’s still out there, but I’m calling your Mom, and everything will be alright. I need you to go in the closet. You need to be really, really quiet and cover your ears tight. Don’t you come out unless me or your Mom comes to get you. Can you do that? Can you be really brave for me?” Rafael asked. Noah nodded, tears still streaming down his pale cheeks. Rafael opened the door, pushing noah inside and to the corner. He put a blanket over him just to be safe before he grabbed for his phone again. His call went to voicemail, so he dialed again, raking his fingers through his hair. He could hear Marc’s footsteps in the hallway, and he was starting to panic again. He wracked his brain for anything that he could use to help himself, to protect them. He was drawing a blank until suddenly he remembered. He dug under the bed for the little safe, dragging it out. He forced himself to ignore the knock on the door. 

“Raf, I know you’re in there baby. If you don’t cooperate, I’m gonna have to hurt you and the little boy.” Rafael had to try and block out Marc’s voice because he couldn’t focus otherwise. The panic increased with each thump against the door as Marc drove into it, obviously trying to break it down. Rafael’s fingers were shaking as he punched in the combination, his phone ringing and ringing as he prayed for Liv to answer. It was a relief when he finally got the little box open, pulling out the sleek pistol and grabbing the box of bullets. He loaded the magazine, dropping bullets everywhere as he tried to stuff them in, but he finally managed to fill it, clicking it into place and turning the safety off. A loud thump against the door accompanied by the sound of splintering wood told him Marc was almost in the room. He pulled back on the slide, chambering a round as he hit Liv’s name one more time. His heart was beating so loud, it was thudding in his ears, and his hands were shaking. He could feel himself hyperventilating again. Just as he heard Liv’s voice filter through over the phone, the door crashed open and Marc was coming closer and closer. Rafael pointed the gun at him, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Marc,” he whispered. “Walk away.” But Marc just kept coming closer. “I will shoot you.” 

Marc just laughed, “I know you wouldn’t shoot me baby. Come on, hand it over,” he whispered, kneeling down. “You don’t shoot people you love Raf.” Rafael could hear Liv’s voice, hear her begging him to answer her, but he couldn’t focus on that. He just kept his hand as steady as he could and took a deep breath, 

“Last chance,” he said softly. The last thing he ever wanted to do was shoot another person, but he couldn’t let Marc hurt him or Noah. Marc made a sudden movement and Rafael’s finger squeezed the trigger, a loud bang sounding out in the room. He jerked back with the force of the shot, smacking himself into the nightstand. Marc was laying still on the floor, blood pooling around him, and Rafael dug through the drawer, finding Liv’s extra pair of handcuffs. He locked Marc’s hands behind his back, going to the closet to get Noah. Noah was crying when he opened the door, 

“Leave my Uncle Rafa alone,” Noah whispered. 

“I’m okay Noah, it’s alright,” he said, and Noah opened his eyes, vaulting into Rafael’s arms. “It’s all over buddy. Come on. It’s going to be okay.” He held Noah close, running his fingers over the little boy’s curls. He felt like he was going to pass out after all of emotions that  had coursed through him in the last half hour. He took Noah out into the living room, sitting on the couch, and holding him close for both their sakes. His body was trembling over and over, his chest heaving as he fought to keep himself calm. Noah was sniffling and clinging to him, and he wanted to say something that would calm him, but all he could do was press his face against the top of Noah’s head. Thinking about any of it was overwhelming, so he just sat there, staring at the wall and holding Noah tight as he tried to convince himself he was safe. 

……………………………………

Liv’s head was spinning. She was on the verge of tumbling into a panic attack as Fin sped towards her apartment. She was too upset to drive. She had been in her office, about to do some paperwork after finishing up an interrogation when she saw Rafael had been trying to call her for about ten or fifteen minutes. Noah had been having an awful morning, so she wasn’t sure if he needed some help with that, but when she answered, all she heard was Rafael’s terrified voice, muffled so much, she couldn’t make out what he was saying, another voice that she didn’t recognize, and then, after trying desperately to get his attention to no avail, a loud bang like a gunshot sounded out and then she couldn’t hear anything at all. Carisi and Rollins were on their way along with another squad car and an ambulance. This was not supposed to happen. Rafael was supposed to be at a Mets game with Noah, not possibly bleeding out in her apartment. The stairs felt steeper than ever before, but she rushed up, hand shaking as she grabbed for the door knob. Judging from the ambulance outside, she knew the paramedics were inside and she prepared herself for the worst. She prayed she wouldn’t open the door to find Rafael or god forbid Noah on a stretcher. “Just breathe Liv,” Fin said softly. She nodded, pushing the door open and taking a step inside. Rafael was on the couch, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, Noah in his arms. The paramedics were wheeling a stretcher out of the hallway, and she froze, unsure of what she just walked into. Rafael was staring into space, unmoving. 

“He’s been unresponsive since we got here. As far as I can tell, they’re both fine. This guy needs some attention, but the gsw doesn’t appear to be too serious,” the man said. Liv felt like she was going to collapse with relief. She rushed to the couch, pulling Rafael and Noah into her arms, 

“Rafa, it’s okay now,” she whispered. “I’m here.” 

“Mommy,” Noah said, his voice filled with tears. He squirmed out of Rafael’s arms, running into hers. She held her son close, kissing the top of his head, 

“Hey sweet boy,” she whispered, “Are you okay?” 

“The bad man hurt Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, clinging tight to her, “And I had to hide in the closet.” 

“Uncle Rafa is okay now Noah. I promise,” Liv whispered, trying to comfort him. He seemed to calm down after a few minutes. She knew she needed to take care of Rafael, so she brushed some hair away from Noah’s forehead before looking at him. “Do you think you could go spend a little bit of time with Aunt Amanda? Maybe get some lunch? And when you come home, Uncle Rafa and you and I are going to watch a movie,.’ Noah wiped at his eyes, but nodded, letting Amanda take his hand. She turned to Rafael who was still sitting there like a statue, putting her hand on his arm. “Rafa,” she whispered. “It’s over.” It took a few moments of coaxing, but he finally emerged from the deep recesses of his mind, his eyes focusing on her as they filled with tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and she pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. She was so glad to hear his voice. 

“Don’t be sorry,” she murmured. “You did so good. You and Noah are both safe now.” 

“Noah,” he sobbed. “Marc was gonna hurt him.” 

“You stopped him Raf, it’s alright,” she said, stroking her fingers through his hair as she pulled him close. She turned to Carisi and Fin who were standing there, both staring at the way she was holding Rafael. Fin had a smug look on his face. “Carisi, you’re going to sit with him until the doctors will release him to you. Understood?” she said, and Carisi nodded, following after the stretcher as it was wheeled from the room. “Try to breathe Rafael.” He was hyperventilating and crying in her arms, and she was grateful that Noah was already gone. “I’m not going anywhere.” 

“Can I talk to him for a few moments?” one of the paramedics asked. She nodded, rubbing his back as he wiped at his eyes and tried to get a grip on himself. The paramedic checked him out, shining a penlight in his eyes and checking his pulse. “Mr. Barba, did you hit your head at all?” 

“Yes,” he whispered, still fighting tears. “I--I headbutted him. The back of my head hurts.” He reached back, touching the sore area and wincing. 

“Let me take a look,” the man said softly, gently tilting his head so he could look at the injury. Rafael winced when he touched it, hissing softly. “Your head doesn’t look too bad. Keep an eye on him over night for concussion symptoms: nausea, fatigue, fuzziness, memory issues. You look pretty good physically. I’m going to get you a paper bag to help with the breathing.” Rafael nodded, resting his elbows on his knees as he tried desperately to slow his breathing. Liv rubbed his back, shushing him as he cried. The paper bag did help him to start calming down, but he still felt the fear and the dull sense of panic deep inside him. He was grateful for Liv’s soft touch as he tried to utilise the coping techniques Dr. Lindstrom taught him, but none of them were making him feel any better. Marc had been minutes away from forcing his way inside Rafael and raping him again. 

“Fin,” Liv said. “I want you and CSU to process the crime scene. I’m going to take care of him and get his statement, okay?” 

“Wait,” Fin said. “Someone should do a quick swab of his hands.” One of the techs came over, carefully swabbing him before they let Liv help him up and guide him down the hall. He was shaking with every step, an she could see him trying to count his breaths, trying to ground himself in the present, but he was still gasping for air, tears pouring from his eyes. 

“It’s okay now,” she whispered. “You’re safe.” 

“I don’t feel safe,” he muttered as she guided him into Noah’s room. It was the only place where they’d get some privacy. Liv knew he needed some extra help, and she was pretty sure she knew what would make him calm enough to give his statement. She eased his shirt off of him, and he didn’t even argue. Her stomach dropped when she saw his pants were unbuttoned and unzipped, his belt hanging loose from the loops. What the hell happened to him? 

“Rafa, I need you to tell me, do I need to take you to the hospital for a rape kit?” she asked gently. He started crying harder, but he shook his head which made her sigh in relief. She took off her own shirt, and she stopped considering the situation. He was really upset, and she imagined more skin contact would be beneficial, “Raf, you want to take your pants off? We’re gonna try and make you feel better.” He nodded, slowly slipping out of the pants and leaving them in a pile on the ground, “Are you okay if I take mine off too?” He nodded again, and she quickly got out of her own slacks. She coaxed him onto the bed so he could lay back against her, resting his head on her shoulder. His back was pressed up against her stomach and thighs, her arms wrapped tight around him, legs boxing him in. He was shaking like a leaf against her, and it was much more obvious now that they were so close to each other. “Everything is okay now. You’re safe.” 

“Liv,” he sobbed, clinging to her. She rubbed her hand in soothing circles over his chest, whispering by his ear.

“He can’t hurt you anymore. It’s all over now. You survived,” she murmured. He nodded miserably. He felt like he was going to throw up, thinking about Marc’s hands all over him, his weight pinning Rafael to the ground. “Let’s do some deep breathing. Feel me breathe and try to match it.” She exaggerated her own breathing, slowing it down so he could feel it and use it to try and relax. She could feel him trying, could hear the soft counting as he tried to do what Lindstrom taught him. “Good sweet man, that’s good. Imagine water running over your toes, slowly making its way up the rest of your body and as the water touches each place, just try to release the tension.” Lindstrom taught her the water trick, and Rafael had mentioned it helping in the past. His body started to relax against hers, and his breathing started to improve even more. “Talk to me Rafa, how do you feel?” 

“It’s like my chest is going to explode,” he whispered. “Please Liv, make it stop.” 

“Okay, shh. Everything is okay. Can you tell me where you are right now?” she asked. 

“We’re in Noah’s room. It’s Monday. I was going to take Noah to the Mets game,” he said, his voice trembling. 

“That’s great,” she said, encouraging him, “You’re doing so good,” He got quiet after that, his body starting to relax, but he was still visibly upset. He cuddled up in her arms, his eyes shut, and she pressed a kiss against the top of his head, trying to comfort him. He was still for so long, she thought he might have fallen asleep, but then he looked up at her, his eyes full of suffering, 

“Liv,” he whispered, “What’s wrong with me?” 

“Nothing is wrong, you just feel scared and vulnerable and nervous, and that is completely normal,” she promised. “Marc is gone though.” 

“I killed him!?” he asked, sounding distressed. 

“No Rafa, he’s at the hospital. Carisi will make sure he stays there,” she promised. He nodded, seeming like he felt comforted by that knowledge. 

“Can I have a kiss?” he whispered, “I need something...I need you.” He was very tactile at times like this, so she wasn’t surprised he wanted more touch to help ground him. She nodded, letting him take the reigns. He needed grounding. He brushed her lips tentatively at first, enjoying soft kisses, but they steadily grew longer and firmer. When he finally pulled away, he seemed like he felt much better, laying his head down and closing his eyes once more. 

“Do you want to sleep for like a half hour before you give your statement to Fin about what happened earlier?” she asked, and he nodded, looking exhausted. He shut his eyes again, drifting off quickly. The fact that he was relaxed enough to nap was encouraging to her. He was curled up against her, finally breathing softly, and she held him close. Things had been going so well recently, so having him freaking out again suddenly was disheartening. She cursed Marc for showing up just when things were starting to normalize. Rafael had been getting steadily better and better, but he had finally seemed to be close to feeling like his old self. She had been hopeful that a conversation about them and labeling their relationship would be imminent. All she could do was hope that this didn’t set him back too far.

……………………………….

Fin was documenting the crime scene, making sure CSU didn’t mess any of it up. He had known from the beginning that Liv and Barba had the hots for each other, and Rafael had confirmed that when they had been out drinking. Fin didn’t really care what they did in their freetime as long as he didn’t do anything to Liv. Fin wasn’t afraid to teach him a lesson if he broke her heart. Speaking of which, he still needed to get Barba’s statement, but he and Liv had disappeared and had not come back. He walked down the hallway, looking around for them. He stuck his head in Noah’s room, stopping short when he saw them cuddled up in Noah’s bed, barely wearing anything. The worst part was neither of them noticed him at all because they were too busy kissing. He quickly retreated. That was certainly not something he needed to see. “Jesus,” he muttered to himself as he went into the other room. “They should put a sock on the door or something. That’s nasty.” He pulled out his phone, dialing Carisi’s number. 

“Hey Fin,” Carisi’s voice was soft, “Marc is okay. The doctor said he should be out of surgery soon, and I’ll try to get his side of the story. I’ll see if I can trip him up.” 

“Wait until he’s been cleared by the doctors. We don’t want any of this called into question. I want him in an interrogation room with a camera when we talk to him. Understood?” Fin said sternly. 

“Copy that Sarge,” Carisi replied. Fin waited a little bit before going to check on Liv again. This time he knocked on the door, wanting to avoid a repeat performance of earlier. Liv let him inside, and Rafael was still asleep in Noah’s bed. She had thankfully dressed herself this time. 

“I need to talk to him. Carisi said Marc is gonna be out of surgery soon, and I told him to hold off on questioning until we get a camera and doctor’s clearance,” he said. 

“Good call. Be gentle with him. He’s not taking this well,” she said softly. Fin snorted. 

“I’ll go easy on him. Just make sure he’s wearing clothes when I talk to him,” he said, walking away. “I’ll be waiting at the table.”

…………………………………………..

Rafael slowly made his way out to where Fin was sitting. He took a seat across from him, trying to keep himself calm. He was so relieved, realizing that Marc was in custody now, but thinking about what possibly could have happened earlier made him want to throw up. He felt shaky and nervous in a way that he hadn’t in awhile. “Hey Barba,” Fin said softly. 

“Hi,” he whispered, running his fingers through his hair. 

“I just need you to run me through what happened earlier so I can get it documented. Think you can do that?” he asked gently. Rafael wasn’t sure why Fin was handling him like he was made of glass, but he wouldn’t complain. He didn’t feel like he could do anything normally at the moment. He took a deep breath, nodding as he collected his thoughts. 

“N-Noah and I were going to go to a Mets game. I was trying to get him ready, and I told him to get his things together. I was in the bedroom for maybe five minutes, getting the jersey I bought him and the tickets and when I came looking for him, he had opened the door and let Marc in the apartment.” Rafael had to pause, shivering when he thought about it. Marc had been so close to raping him again, just a few minutes away. “I was terrified he would hurt Noah, and he threatened as much, so I made a deal with him. I told him to let Noah go, and I would do what he wanted. He made me kiss him before he would let Noah leave. I told Noah to go hide, and then Marc was kissing me again,” he couldn’t stop the tears from flowing, a few making their way down his cheeks. Liv’s hand was soft on his shoulder, and he hadn’t even realized she was listening in. “He pushed me down to my knees and then onto my stomach and he climbed on top of me. I knew what he was after, but I thought that maybe if I didn’t fight, he would leave Noah alone. He pulled off my pants and my boxers, and then I realized I couldn’t go through with it. When he stopped pinning my arms to the ground, I managed to get them under me so I could headbutt him afterwards. I hit his nose with the back of my head and then I kneed him in the balls. I ran back to the bedroom, and I locked the door. I tried calling Liv while I put Noah in the closet to hide. Marc started breaking down the door though, so I got the gun out from under the bed. I told him to get back more than once, but he kept coming so I had to shoot him. Afterwards I put him in handcuffs and removed myself and Noah from the room,” He spent another few moments reading over the paper and signing his name before he was free to go. He wanted to take a long shower and then curl up in bed. Liv’s hands rested on his shoulders, massaging gently, and he tried to relax into her touch, but he he felt so tense. 

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered, “You did so well. You did perfect.” 

“I’m sorry I put Noah in danger,” he whispered, hanging his head, and she shook her own.

“You didn’t do anything wrong Rafael,” she promised. “You both made it out of the situation totally safe and that is what’s important.” 

“He was so scared. I had to yell at him to get him out of the room,” Rafael said, hating that he felt like his father. He hated raising his voice, especially with a child like Noah. 

“And I bruised his arm pulling him away from a taxi,” Liv replied. “You made sure he was safe first. Sometimes you have to yell or grab or do anything you can to protect them. You did good Rafa.” 

“I can’t believe he showed up here, and he almost…..” he couldn’t help the soft sob that escaped his throat. “He almost did it again.” 

“It’s not fair, but now he’s in custody. It’s all going to be alright,” she murmured, trying to get him through this enough to see that it was good in the end. Marc wasn’t out and about where he could possibly hurt Rafael. Not anymore. 

“I think I’m going to lay down again,” he whispered, standing up. Liv watched him worriedly as he walked back towards her bed. She talked with Fin, making sure everything was in order before he and CSU left. 

Once she was alone, she sighed, trying to come down from the stress she’d been experiencing. She had almost lost it when she thought Rafael and Noah might be in danger. She hoped Noah wasn’t too upset. Rafael obviously was. She went back to the bedroom, taking a seat on the bed where he was laying. He was curled up on his side, hugging a pillow to his chest. She put a hand on his ankle, gently rubbing up and down. “Rafa,” she whispered. “What do you need right now?” He sniffled, 

“I think I need to be alone,” he whispered, his voice distorted by tears. 

“Oh,” she said. “Um...okay. Are you sure?” He just nodded, not even looking at her. “I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” He just nodded again. 

………………………………………….

When Rafael woke up, he still felt miserable. He was finally getting back to normal. Why did Marc have to show up again and ruin all progress he had made. Rafael felt like he was drowning again, and he certainly didn’t feel capable of giving Liv what she deserved. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get through a trial. He felt like it was going to break him. He needed to call his therapist, but even setting up an appointment seemed overwhelming. He slowly sat up, pulling on a shirt before heading out to the kitchen. He got a glass of water, sitting down at the table and tiredly rubbing his face. He peeked up, seeing Liv sitting on the couch, and then he noticed what she was watching. It was a kids program that Noah loved. He looked around for a moment, wondering if Noah was home, but it wasn’t until he got up and headed that way that he noticed Noah curled up in Liv’s lap. He was passed out, Liv running her hand over the top of his head. He knew how comforting that could be when distressed. She almost always seemed to find a way to calm him down when he needed it. He quietly took a seat on the couch beside them, looking sadly down at Noah. “Is he okay?” he whispered. She nodded, rubbing Noah’s back, 

“He’s a little shaken, but I think he’ll be okay,” she replied. Rafael hated that Noah had been caught up in his mess. He felt like he had failed the one person he wanted to protect most. Liv could handle herself, but Noah was just a child, and he had been trying so hard. Now Noah was probably traumatized and it was all his fault. He felt like he had mountains of nervous energy coursing through him, and he tried desperately to stop shaking, but he was failing miserably. 

“Liv,” he whispered, and she looked at him. He hated having to ask her to do more for him. “Can you please call Lindstrom for me? I need to go see him.” 

“Sure,” she said, looking worried. He had been handling almost everything for himself recently: his appointments, the house, watching Noah while she was at work. He was nice enough to do the laundry for her when she was busy. Sometimes he made dinner. “I’ll call him tomorrow morning.” 

“Mommy?” Noah mumbled softly, and she looked down to him. 

“Hmm sweet boy?” she asked. 

“Is Uncle Rafa mad at me?” he whispered, and Rafael’s heart broke. 

“Noah,” he said. The little boy looked to him, blue eyes filling with tears.

“I’m sorry Uncle Rafa. I’m really, really sorry,” he was crying again, and Rafael gathered him up into his arms. 

“No, no, no, I’m not mad. What happened earlier was not your fault Noah. It’s okay,” he whispered. “You and I are both okay and the bad man is gone. Uncle Sonny arrested him. There’s no reason to cry hombrecito, none.” 

“I didn’t mean to,” Noah mumbled. “He knocked on the door, and you were busy. He said he was your friend.” 

“Noah,” Liv said softly, “This is why Uncle Rafa and I told you not to open the door. You don’t know any better sweetheart. From now on, promise me you won’t.” 

“I promise,” Noah said softly. 

“See, it’s okay now,” Rafael promised, pressing a kiss to Noah’s forehead, “How about we watch a movie?” 

“Will you make me popcorn?” Noah asked softly, and Rafael laughed, ruffling his hair.

“Sure hombrecito,” he murmured, getting up to go into the kitchen. He felt better when he could reassure Noah. The little boy didn’t deserve to feel guilty about a situation that was Rafael’s problem to begin with. When he returned, bowl of popcorn in hand, Noah cuddled up on his lap, Liv leaning into his side and he tried to just relax and enjoy the movie. He needed to destress anyways. Noah thankfully seemed to cheer up when watching the movie, laughing and snuggling up against Rafael and Liv. He fell asleep in the middle, and Rafael held him until the movie ended before carrying him back to his bed and tucking him in. Afterwards, he wanted to get a shower before he went to sleep. Thinking about earlier, about Marc’s hands all over him, he felt so dirty. He got a change of clothes from his bag and a towel before turning the water as hot as it would go. It burned when he stepped under it, but he felt like it was the only thing that might make him feel clean again. He scrubbed himself with soap and washed his hair, standing under the steaming water for as long as possible. Once the water started running cold, he finally turned it off and climbed out, wrapping himself up in the towel and drying off. He pulled on his boxers and a tee shirt, foregoing the pajama pants before brushing his teeth and going to the bedroom. He was ready to go to bed already. He laid down, covering up with the blanket and trying not to think about Marc or anything else for that matter. He flinched slightly when he felt the bed dip with Liv’s weight. 

“Rafa, are you okay?” she asked softly, and he didn’t know how to answer, so he just kept quiet and pretended he was asleep. She settled back onto the bed, and he squeezed his eyes shut, wanting to pass out. He was so tired. Her soft hand in his hair did make him feel better, and the kiss she pressed to his temple helped as well. He felt himself relaxing as he drifted off slowly, finally succumbing to the pull of darkness. 

……………………………….

It was still dark when Rafael opened his eyes. Liv had an arm thrown over his waist, a way they had slept many times before, and as always, it was a comfort to him. Knowing she was there with him made such a difference, especially at night when his imagination would run rampant. The more he thought about it though, the more he felt pathetic. It had been months since everything, and he still felt like a complete wreck. Liv didn’t need to be babysitting him. He felt like he was weighing her and Noah down. If he was going to keep feeling like shit, why should he make her deal with it? He was better off to get out of her hair. He would have to do it delicately though. He didn’t want to hurt her. He just needed to extract himself carefully. He slowly eased out of the bed, trying not to wake her up. No matter how much the physical contact calmed him, he couldn’t indulge. He needed to distance himself. He grabbed a pillow and a blanket, sparing one last longing look towards the bed. He wanted to stay. He wanted to believe that he could someday deserve her, but he didn’t want her waiting around for him because he wasn’t sure he’d ever get there. He pressed a soft kiss to her temple, telling himself it was the last one before he slipped out of the room and shut the door. 

The living room felt empty and cold, but he tried to make himself comfortable on the air mattress. He laid on his stomach, hugging the pillow to him, shutting his eyes and trying to clear his thoughts. He didn’t want to think about Marc or Liv or anything else. He just wanted to stop feeling like dirt. He fought the impending tears, swallowing them around the lump in his throat. His throat was stinging, his body starting to shake, and he stopped trying to hold back. He let out the emotions, crying quietly into his pillow. None of it was fair. It wasn’t fair that Marc attacked him and now wouldn’t leave him alone, it wasn’t fair that he wasn’t good enough for Liv, it wasn’t fair that Noah thought it was all his fault. He felt empty and torn apart. He could just imagine Noah’s face when he left, and he hated having to do that, but he didn’t feel like he had a choice anymore. If he loved Liv, if he really, truly loved her, he had to let her go. He was not what was best for either of them. He would just have to get over it and learn to be okay with being her best friend. He had to make it work. Even if he was miserable, he would at least know Liv and Noah had their best chance. That’s what would get him through. 

………………………………

When Liv woke up, she immediately realized the bed was empty. She opened her eyes, wondering if Rafael was in the bathroom or somewhere else. She slowly sat up, grabbing her phone and checking the time. It was early for Rafael to be awake unless he had a nightmare or some sort of other issue. Usually, he would wake her up if he needed anything. She slowly climbed out from under the covers, going to look for him. When she walked into the living room, her heart dropped, seeing him curled up on the air mattress. His face was red, tear stained, and blotchy.  She wasn't entirely sure what was going on with him. She understood seeing Marc again had been traumatizing, and he certainly had been through hell, but he hadn't withdrawn from her before. Was he upset with her? Was she pushing him too fast? Did he even want any of this anymore? She was really worried about him. She let him sleep, knowing he probably needed it, going to take a shower and get dressed. She wished she could take his pain away and relieve the burden from his shoulders. He was walking around with an enormous weight keeping him down. 

When she finished getting ready for the day, she started making breakfast. Rafael didn’t wake up until after she finished, sitting at the table and quietly eating the food she made him. He was excessively quiet, picking at the food and pushing it around his plate. There were dark bags under his eyes, his shoulders slumped as he stared at the table. “You okay?” she asked softly, hand on his shoulder. He shrugged her off. “Rafa, come on, talk to me,” He turned away, looking down at the floor. She needed him to let her help. Shutting her out wasn’t going to do anything for him, but his defensive and hostile behavior wasn’t looking promising. “What do you need right now? I need you to talk to me.” 

“I need you to stop suffocating me,” he exploded. “Stop treating me like I’m five years old. I’m a fucking adult so just stop. Leave me alone!” Liv was taken aback by his outburst, speechless as he stalked off down the hallway. She felt tears pricking her eyes. He had been angry and upset, but he hadn’t lashed out at her like that ever before. It was jarring and upsetting. She hoped he didn’t really mean that. She honestly didn’t think he did, but she couldn’t help questioning it. She wiped at her eyes. She cleaned up before calling Dr. Lindstrom to set up his appointment like had had asked. Even though he hurt her, she tried to look past what he said. He was obviously not himself. There was something else going on here, and she wasn’t going to let him push her away. She had done that after Lewis, withdrawing and slowly drifting away from Brian. Rafael meant too much. She couldn’t let him go no matter how hard he pushed. Not unless she knew he meant it. She was on the couch when Noah appeared, rubbing his eyes. She had kept him home from school for the day after what happened the day before. 

“Mommy,” he whispered, “Where’s Uncle Rafa?” 

“He’s resting Noah,” she replied, getting him some breakfast. She let him watch cartoons while she tidied up. It had been hours by the time Rafael reappeared. He was fully dressed, his hands shoved in his pockets. He looked ashamed of himself, his eyes glued to the ground. 

“Can we talk?” he asked softly. She nodded, gesturing for him to lead the way. He walked her back to the bedroom, pacing around for a second before looking up at her finally, his green eyes full of regret.

“I’m sorry about what I said earlier,” he said softly. “I didn’t mean it. I just--I need some space right now. It’s not you.” He averted his eyes again, a habit that had been continuing on since he was attacked. It was strange. He always used to meet her gaze no matter what, but now he seemed scared of his own shadow, too nervous to actually look her in the eyes. It was heartbreaking. 

“You can have whatever space you need Rafa. You just have to talk to me,” she replied. He nodded. She looked around the room, noticing his personal items collected. His charger was unplugged from the wall, his books missing from the nightstand, the quilt his grandmother made him missing from the foot of the bed. He was fully dressed, his duffle bag sitting on top of the bed, zipped up. She looked from the bag to him and he crossed his arms over his chest, 

“I need to go home,” he whispered. She wanted to yell at him and shake him. Her eyes pleaded with him to take it back.  _ You are home _ . She couldn’t say that to him though. He had just asked her for space, and she couldn’t turn around and immediately disregard his request. 

“Are you sure?” she asked gently. He just nodded at her. “I can take you whenever you want. Just let me know.” He nodded again. 

“Liv,” he whispered, and she looked up at him, meeting those green eyes she loved so much. He swallowed before taking another step forward. He pulled her close, holding tight like it was the last time. 

“Don’t,” she whispered. “Please. Later. Not now.” He nodded, squeezing her for an extra second before pulling away. “Let me take you out for lunch.” He thought about it for a moment before nodding. “Anywhere you want. I’m just going to go get Noah dressed.” Noah was watching the tv happily when she found him. He beamed at her. 

“Is Uncle Rafa feeling better?” he asked. 

“A little bit. We’re going to go get some lunch. Why don’t you go get dressed sweetheart,” she replied turning off the tv and taking Noah’s plate. He scampered off to his bedroom to get dressed. She wasn’t sure how she could possibly tell him that Rafael was going home. She wasn’t sure if he wanted to take care of it himself and talk with Noah, or if she needed to tell her son. She knew he was going to be devastated. Rafael appeared a few moments later, looking frazzled, but ready to go. “I made your appointment with Lindstrom. It’s tomorrow afternoon,” she said, studying his face to ensure he understood and heard what she said. She wasn’t sure he was thinking clearly about anything anymore. 

“Thank you,” he said, and she could tell he meant it, emotion filling his voice. 

“So, where are we headed?” she asked him. He was quiet for a moment, collecting himself before responding. 

“I just want a steak. I don’t care where we go,” he finally whispered. She smiled, 

“You got it,” her voice was soft. She’d give him everything she could. Noah reached for Rafael’s hand on their way out the door, and Liv prayed that somehow she could find a way to break it to Noah that he was leaving so that it didn’t upset him too much. She was almost certain he was going to be absolutely devastated no matter what. He was talking to Rafael the whole ride to the restaurant, smiling and laughing. She could see the sadness in Rafael’s eyes though, and she hated to see him looking like that. He was fairly quiet throughout lunch, eating a small portion of his food and packing up the rest. At least she knew he’d have some sort of food he could eat. She was worried about him, about how well he would take care of himself once he was alone. As they were walking back to the car though, he pulled her aside after Noah was inside and whispered, 

“Let me tell him. I’ll take him for a walk in the park and we can talk man to man,” he said with a soft smile. She nodded, glad he was taking the time to tell Noah himself. The car ride home was quiet, Noah even noticing the somber mood. As they pulled up to the apartment, Liv wondered how he was going to manage this. Noah was going to be a wreck. Rafael climbed out of the car, talking softly with Noah for a few minutes. Her son beamed, likely excited about going to the park with his Uncle. She watched as Rafael took his hand, turning around and promising to be back within a half hour. 

……………………………………

Rafael felt nervous. He didn’t want to upset Noah, but he wasn’t sure what to do. He was positive in his decision, but hurting Noah and Liv tore him apart. It was honestly the last thing he wanted to do, but they deserved so much better than him. They deserved someone who had their life together. He had already taken up way too much of their time. He needed to extract himself from the situation before it got too complicated. Noah was happy, smiling and looking around, pointing out dogs in the park. Rafael smiled, prolonging the inevitable. He led Noah to a bench, sitting down and patting the seat beside him. Noah sat down too, looking up at him curiously, “You and I need to talk little man,” Noah looked worried immediately, hearing Rafael’s tone of voice. 

“Is it about yesterday?” he asked softly, and Rafael shook his head. 

“No Noah. Do you remember when your Mommy told you that I was going to have to go home eventually?” Rafael asked gently. Noah stared at him for a minute, tears filling his eyes. “Noah, don’t cry bud, it’s going to be okay. I’ll still see you plenty.” 

“I’m really sorry Uncle Rafa. I’m really sorry I let him in. Please don’t leave. Please,” he begged. Rafael pulled him closer, his heart breaking at the little boy’s distress. 

“Noah, I promise you that’s not why I’m leaving,” he whispered, ruffling Noah’s curls. Noah was shaking his head though, the tears starting to stream from his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” Noah just kept saying it over and over again no matter how many times Rafael tried to reassure him. He was desperate to make the little boy feel better. The last thing he ever wanted was for Noah to feel like this. 

“Noah. Look at me,” he said. The little boy finally stopped pressing his face against Rafael’s shirt and clinging, looking up at his Uncle with a tear-stained face, his little lip quivering. 

“Please don’t leave,” he whispered. 

“I’ll tell you what,” he said softly, “You c an Facetime or call me anytime you want. Just because I’m going back to my house doesn’t mean we’ll never see each other again.” 

“Will you come to my birthday party? You promised you’d make my cake,” Noah said.  Rafael wiped a few tears from Noah’s face, brushing a couple curls out of the way.

“I’ll be there. I promise,” he whispered, “With one triple chocolate cake that will probably make your mom hate me.” 

“Mommy could never hate you Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, starting to calm down a little bit. “I love you,” Noah whispered. 

“I love you too Noah. Never forget it,” he replied, pulling Noah into a hug. Rafael stroked a hand over Noah’s hair, holding him close for a few moments, “We better go back now. Your Mom is gonna worry.” Noah reluctantly let him hold his hand as they walked back, and Rafael tried not to let himself get too emotional as they made their way back to the apartment. Liv was in the kitchen when they walked in, and she smiled at him sadly. 

“You ready to go?” she asked. Rafael nodded. “Alright, go get your bag. I got you some groceries. Your apartment should be all put back together. The squad cleaned it up after CSU made a mess.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered. She nodded, turning to Noah when Rafael went back to get his duffle bag, 

“Do you want to come with? We’re gonna go take Uncle Rafa home,” she said. Noah looked incredibly sad, but he nodded, “Don’t worry sweet boy. You’ll see him again.” 

“I want him to stay Mommy,” he whispered, starting to cry again. Liv smiled sadly, brushing her fingers through his hair, 

“I know Noah, me too,” she replied. 


	11. Chapter 11

Rafael was shaking as they neared his apartment. He hadn’t been inside since the night Marc attacked him, and he left in an ambulance. He honestly wasn’t sure how he would feel once he got inside. He tried to keep calm though, not wanting Liv to worry about him. When she pulled up into the parking lot, he had to take a few calming breaths, “You okay?” she asked softly, and he forced a smile onto his face.

“Never better,” he whispered. He was sure she could see through it, but he kept up the picture of happiness anyways. Liv carried a bag of groceries up for him while he carried his duffle and held Noah’s hand. The elevator ride was short, too short, and all too soon they were approaching his door. Liv handed him a key, and he stood there, staring at the door for a couple minutes, trying to pull himself together. Noah stood back with Liv, holding his mother’s hand. Rafael didn’t feel remotely ready to go inside, but he had to. It was time for him to be a grown up again and stop imposing on Liv. His hand shook as he put the key in the lock, turning it and opening his door. He took a few tentative steps inside, looking around at the familiar place. It was the same as it had always been, but somehow it felt foreign. He had purchased the apartment when he transferred to Manhattan, the cozy space looking inviting. He needed somewhere that felt like home. He needed something to help him after long days at work, and this place had always done that for him. Now it just felt tainted and dark. He walked right past the living room, unable to bring himself to look at the carpet or the couch. He went straight back to his bedroom, setting the bag down on the bed and looking around. His clothes were all put in the closet, but they weren’t arranged how he usually organized them. The detectives had done a good job cleaning up, and he was more than grateful. Somehow he didn’t care that his clothes were out of order. He just felt exhausted. Nothing that usually mattered to him felt important anymore. He felt too tired to even try and fix it himself. Instead he just turned around and headed back out to find Liv. She was in his kitchen, putting his groceries away with Noah’s help. 

“I wrote down all your appointments for you, they’re on the table,” she said. “I’m sure someone will be contacting you about Marc and the trial very soon. If you need anything, you know you can just call me. Night or day Rafa.” 

“Thank you,” he said gratefully, “Thank you both.” Once she finished putting the food away, she started straightening up, and he knew she was putting off leaving, but he didn’t mind. It gave him a few extra minutes to get himself under control. Finally though, there was no excuses left, and Liv started to get Noah together to leave. 

“Noah, say goodbye,” she said gently. Noah was crying again, clinging to Rafael who knelt down to hug him.

“I know buddy, I’ll see you again sometime soon. It’s okay,” Rafael promised, pressing a kiss to the top of Noah’s head. 

“You can visit or call Uncle Rafa whenever you want,” Liv said, and that helped Noah a little bit. 

“I love you,” Noah whispered, and Rafael hugged him tighter for just a second. 

“I love you too,” he promised. Afterwards, he stood up, facing Liv. He felt slightly awkward, but he wanted her to know just how grateful he was for everything. “I don’t know what I would have done without you Liv. You showed me so much kindness, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay you for that.” 

“Keep your head up Rafa. You’ve been doing all the hard work,” she whispered. He sniffled a few times before nodding. “I know you’re doing what you need to right now, but I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here waiting for you no matter how long it takes. It’s gonna take a lot more to push me away.” He kept his eyes averted, wishing she would just let him go. He didn’t understand why she was holding on so tight when he wasn’t worth her time at all. “You better give me a hug mister.” He stepped forward, pulling her into his arms one more time. She held tight to him, and it almost made him want to call the whole thing off, but he made himself stick to the plan. It was for the best. As he pulled away, he couldn’t help but press a kiss to her cheek. “I love you,” she promised. “Take care of yourself.” He just nodded, watching as she walked down the hallway, holding tight to Noah’s hand. 

…………………………………………

Being all alone again was making him feel paranoid. He spent the first hour unpacking his bag and trying to busy himself cleaning up, but he quickly lost motivation. He ended up, laying in bed, his television playing quietly as he hugged a pillow. He had been studying the marks on the paint for about an hour, trying not to break down, but it was getting harder and harder. He didn’t want to see Marc ever again, much less face him in court. If he somehow got away with it, Rafael wouldn't ever feel safe again. He shivered. He could still feel Marc’s hands on his skin, pulling at his clothes, pinning him down. It made him feel nauseous. He wanted Liv. Somehow, she always managed to make him feel better, but now that he was alone, he wasn’t sure what to do. He hugged himself tighter, pulling the covers around him and shutting his eyes. The tears that escaped felt cool against his warm skin, the dread eating him alive. He knew he should get up and take a shower or clean up or even eat, but he didn’t have the energy to get out of bed. Nothing was worth the effort. Life didn’t feel worth it anymore. 

………………………………………

Liv sat on the couch, Noah curled up on her lap for the second time that day. Noah had been crying since Rafael went home, and she had tried everything to cheer her son up. She tried giving him ice cream, watching a movie, playing games, cuddling him, but Noah was so upset. She hated that Noah was blaming himself for what happened with Marc. Of course she wished he hadn’t opened that door, but he was only five years old, and it was far too much for him to be blaming it himself. Honestly, she was a little upset with Rafael, but she knew he was trying to do what he thought was best even if he was completely wrong. She thought about sending him a text, but she didn’t. She was trying to respect his wishes, and he had asked for space. Instead, she watched the movie and tried not to think about how much she missed him. It felt like she would turn around and he’d be there, making her laugh or playing with Noah. He had made himself such a staple in their lives, and then he just suddenly pulled away and it broke her heart. She hoped he knew how much she loved him. She thought they had been finally getting somewhere before Marc decided to ruin everything all over over again, and now he was further away than ever before. 

“Mommy?” Noah’s voice was soft and watery. 

“Hmm sweetheart?” she asked. 

“If Uncle Rafa isn’t mad at me, why did he leave?” he whispered. Liv smoothed Noah’s hair down, thinking for a moment. She figure being honest was the best option. She just hoped it didn’t make Noah feel more like it was his fault. 

“Noah, Uncle Rafa isn’t mad at you, and he didn’t leave because of anything you did. That man really, really hurt Uncle Rafa bad. He’s like the bad people that we put in jail. Does that make any sense?” she asked. Noah nodded, so she continued, “I think it was very hard for Uncle Rafa to see him again.” 

“I wish I didn’t open the door,” Noah whispered. 

“I know you do Noah, and I know Uncle Rafa knows that too, but he probably would have come inside anyways. You can’t change what happened before,” Liv whispered. Noah sniffled, but he did seem to be feeling little bit better. 

“Can I sleep you with tonight Mommy?” he asked softly, and Liv sighed. In the end she agreed to one night. Noah had a hard couple of days. She sent him to go put on his pajamas, and she found herself inflating the air mattress. It was halfway up when she realized what she was doing and stopped. Her bed was empty. It felt like almost a given that Rafael would be there but not anymore. She sighed, turning off the tv and going back to the bedroom that felt empty without his things. Her nightstand looked bare without the books that he would leave on top, the closet looked huge without his duffle bag on the floor, the bed looked uninviting without his quilt draped over the end. It didn’t feel like home without him. Laying in the dark room, Noah asleep beside her, their family didn’t feel complete without Rafael. 

……………………………………...

Rafael had told himself he would get out of bed by 11, go to his therapy appointment, eat his leftovers for lunch, and maybe watch a movie. It was one in the afternoon and he was still burrowed under his blankets, crying on and off. His therapy appointment was in thirty minutes, but he honestly didn’t think he was getting out of bed any time soon. He wasn’t hungry at all. He shut his eyes, wishing he would just fall asleep to get a respite from the misery. It was almost too much to bear. Being alone was worse than he’d even imagined, especially after his confrontation with Marc. He would sit there and remember how it felt to be pinned down again, the terror that made his blood run cold as he tried to load the gun. The only part of it all that he was incredibly grateful for was being able to protect poor Noah. Noah hadn’t deserved any of what he had to endure. When Rafael had walked out, seeing Marc touching Noah, his heart had almost stopped. It disgusted him that Marc would ever use Noah to threaten him, but it certainly didn’t surprise him. He wished Liv was there so she could wrap her arms around him and rock him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. Somehow, she always managed to get him out of his own head, but now he was all alone again, and he knew he would have to get used to it. No matter what Liv tried to say, everyone had a limit, and he was sure he would hit hers eventually. He rolled over, feeling even more exhausted. It was depressing that laying in bed made him mentally tired. He wasn’t even doing anything except wallowing in his own misery. He was pathetic. The only people that even cared about him at all were Liv and Noah, and he wasn’t sure why they did. He wished so many things had turned out differently, but here he was, unable to get out of bed in the morning and he hated himself for it. As he laid there, staring off into space, he thought he heard his phone ring, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

……………………………………………

It was light out when Liv woke up. She could hear knocking on the door, so she carefully got out of bed, trying not to wake Noah up. When she made it to the door, she realized it was Lucy coming to watch Noah. She had no reason to stay home today. It was so strange to suddenly have everything going back to the way it was before Rafael started staying with them. “Lucy,” she said softly. “Hi, come on in.” Her babysitter followed her into the living room, and she took a seat on the couch. “Noah had a really rough day yesterday, so he might be upset.” She explained the situation to Lucy before going to hop in the shower and get dressed for work. It was already pretty late, but it would be good for her to go to the office, not that they would be expecting her today after what just happened. Noah was still asleep when she left. 

When she walked into the office, Fin was doing something over by the board that displayed the details of Rafael’s case. Carisi and Rollins were at their desks, and they all looked shocked to see her, 

“Hey Lieu,” Carisi said. “What’d you do with Barba?” 

“He decided to go home.” She said with a sigh, “I have no idea what he’s doing.” 

“He what!?” Amanda exclaimed, “Is he okay?” 

“I really don’t know Amanda, I don’t think he’s in a great spot, but he asked me for space,” she said tiredly. “What did the DA say about the case?” 

“Marc was arraigned this morning. I’m not sure who is going to be handling it though. I don’t think McCoy decided,” Fin said, turning around. 

“Judge set bail at just under a million. I’m not sure if he posted or not,” Carisi added. “I think they’re keeping him at the hospital for another day, just to make sure.” 

“Did they at least ask for an order of protection?” she asked, and Carisi shook his head. “You’re kidding me!” 

“And Marc posted bail an hour ago,” Amanda said. 

“Carisi, can you check in on Barba? I want to make sure he’s alright. I’m going down to the DA’s office,” Liv said. She set her bag in her office, trying to calm down, but she was angry. She was very, very angry. She had more than a few scathing words for Jack McCoy. She stomped back out of the office, driving as fast as she could to the DA’s office. She didn’t even stop to ask the secretary what he was doing. She just went right in. He looked up from his desk, 

“Lieutenant Benson,” he said, his voice kind. Like there was nothing wrong. It just made her even more angry. 

“Mr. McCoy, is there a reason you decided not to ask for an order of protection for Rafael Barba?” she asked tersely. 

“To be honest with you Lieutenant, I’m not up to speed with the details of the case. I assigned it to an ADA, and I’m letting them handle it,” he said, looking back down at his paperwork.

“How dare you,” she said lowly. “How dare you treat him this way. Rafael is the best ADA I’ve ever worked with. He gives his life to this job. He is family, one of us, and you’re letting some random ADA handle the case. You should be making sure he gets the best. Do you even understand what he’s been through?” she asked, glaring. 

“If I personally followed every case, there wouldn’t be time for anything else,” he replied. 

“I’m not asking you to follow every case. I’m asking you to follow one. I’m asking you to ensure it gets done right. This man has attacked one of your ADAs three times, and he just posted bail with no order of protection in place. Unacceptable,” she was trying to keep her voice calm, but she was sure he could hear the anger with every word. 

“Since you’ve decided to come all the way down here and tell me how to do my job, why don’t you enlighten me. Who would you suggest handles this case?” McCoy asked, sitting back in his chair, crossing his arms, 

“You should personally be handling this case, but because I’m almost positive you’re going to say no to that, I think you should bring Alex Cabot in as a special prosecutor,” she said. He was quiet for a minute, thinking about what she said. 

“Alright Lieutenant, I’ll call her up, see what she says. Give Rafael my best alright?” he said. She nodded, backing out of the room and trying to calm down. She was just glad he’d agreed to what she asked. Now she needed to ensure Rafael was okay because if he got hurt again, she wasn’t sure he would make it. She pulled her phone out as she went back down to her car, dialing Carisi’s number. Her phone rang a few times before he finally answered. 

“Hey Lieu, I’m outside Barba’s door, but he’s not answering. I’ve been knocking for about fifteen minutes,” he said. 

“Exigent circumstances Carisi, I want you to break down that door,” she said, “If he’s in there, he might freak out. So be prepared for that.” 

“Lieu, are you sure about this?” Sonny asked, and then he paused for a few moments, “I think he’s coming to answer.” There was the sound of a door opening, and then some muffled talking, “He’s safe Lieu. I’ll call you back later.” Then there was just a dial tone. 

……………………………………….

Sonny had been standing outside Rafael’s door for what felt like forever. He had been knocking and knocking, but there was no answer. He was worried, but when Liv told him to break down the door, he didn’t want to for a few reasons. First of all, he knew it would scare Rafael, and he didn’t want to throw him into a panic attack. Secondly, his door would have to be fixed again which none of them wanted, and thirdly, he was almost sure Marc was still at the hospital. He knocked again, and thankfully he heard some shuffling inside. When the door opened, he had to reign in his surprise. Rafael was mess. His eyes were bloodshot and red around the edges, his skin swollen and splotchy. His hair was ruffled and greasy, and he flinched at the light, arms wrapped tightly around himself. He was only wearing a soft Harvard tee shirt that looked new and a pair of boxers. “Do you need something?” he whispered, not meeting Sonny’s eyes. 

“Can I come in?” he asked. Rafael made a face but nodded after a second, moving out of the way. Sonny headed towards the living room, but Rafael idled at the door before disappearing down the hallway. Sonny waited around for a few moments, but he didn’t come back, so he tentatively made his own way down the hallway, peeking his head into the bathroom and the study before finding Rafael’s bedroom. All the blinds were pulled, Rafael laying in a heap under the covers. “Rafael,” he said softly, “Do you need anything? Have you eaten today?” 

“Just screw off Carisi,” Rafael’s voice was tear-filled and soft. Sonny wasn’t entirely sure what to do, but he knew he couldn’t leave Rafael all alone like this. 

“Barba, please let me help you,” he said softly, taking a tentative step inside. “When’s the last time you ate something?” He sniffled, refusing to meet Sonny’s eyes. The detective had to squint to even see him in the pitch black room. “When is the last time you ate?” he asked again. 

“I don’t know okay!” Rafael finally snapped, “I don’t know. I just lay here. It makes it hurt less.” 

“What hurts?” Sonny asked gently, wondering if he had some sort of injury. 

“Everything Carisi, everything hurts. I just want it all to stop,” he mumbled. Sonny sighed, trying to figure out what to do. 

“You might feel a little better if you took a shower,” he suggested softly. Rafael let out a shaking sob. 

“I can barely stand. I feel exhausted,” he whispered. “I feel exhausted and all I’ve been doing is laying here.” 

“I can run you a bath if you want,” Sonny offered. Rafael curled up more on his side, quiet for another couple minutes until he finally relented. 

“Okay,” he whispered. Sonny smiled, glad to have gotten through somehow. He went to the bathroom, toying with the handles until he figured out how to run the water. He filled the bath up before going to find Rafael. He was still laying in bed in the dark room. 

“Bath is ready,” he said softly. Rafael waited a few seconds before he got up with a sigh. He slowly staggered off towards the bathroom, so Sonny left him to it, turning on the lights on in the bedroom. The sheets needed to be changed. He pulled them off the bed, digging around in Rafael’s closet to find another set. He hoped Rafael had garlic because he was going to make him some spaghetti, his grandmother’s recipe. 

……………………………………..

Rafael slowly stripped out of the Harvard shirt that Liv bought him. He felt this bone deep sadness, a crushing sadness that hurt so bad, he thought he was dying. He wished he was dying. Then there would be an end in sight. He stepped out of his boxers, slowly lowering himself into the warm water. It was on the cooler side. Liv knew he liked it so hot it felt like his skin was burning off, especially at a time like this. He wished Liv was the one taking care of him. He was grateful Carisi had stopped by, grateful that he cared, but all Rafael wanted was Liv. He knew it was his own fault he couldn’t have her, but he refused to be selfish. She deserved so much better, and wasn’t going to let her settle for him. As he slowly scrubbed himself with soap, running his fingers through his hair and washing away the grease, he tried to stop feeling like he was going to die. He tried to tell himself he wasn’t going to die, that he could possibly make it through all of this feeling like himself again. He felt the tears welling up in his eyes, and he didn’t fight them because he didn’t have the energy. He could barely breathe through the tears, but in a way, it was cathartic. Crying made him feel a little better, so he let it happen. He sunk down into the water, deeper, letting it wash away the soap before he decided he was done. When he climbed out of the bath, he realized Carisi hadn’t gotten him a towel. He sighed. His head felt fuzzy, and he certainly wasn’t thinking clearly. He stood there, shivering and dripping for a moment before he remembered that he might have left some towels in the closet. He hadn’t been in his home in weeks, and he felt all turned around and unsure. He thankfully found a towel on the shelf, wrapping it around himself and drying off. He tucked it around his waist, going to his bedroom to get some clothes. He found another clean tee shirt in his drawer, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and trying to clean up. He did feel refreshed. He took a seat on the bed, the cool sheets feeling nice against his skin. He leaned back against his pillow, trying to relax. Carisi had turned on his tv, and even though he wasn’t really interested in whatever was on, it was something to focus on. It was some show about buying houses. He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. A knock on the door got his attention, and there was Carisi, his sleeves rolled up, holding a plate with noodles and spaghetti sauce. Rafael wasn’t sure he wanted to eat it. He hadn’t been interested in food since he got home. “I made you something to eat,” Rafael didn’t answer, and Carisi came closer, “Don’t tell me you aren’t hungry. When’s the last time you ate?” Rafael shrugged, but he took the plate, picking at the noodles. It was only then that he realized how hungry he actually was. He wolfed down the rest of it, feeling a little better as he set the plate down and leaned back, feeling sleepy. He felt himself drifting off to sleep for the first time since he got home. 

…………………………………

Liv was sitting in her office when her phone started to ring. When she saw Carisi’s name flash across the screen, she scrambled to answer, “Carisi, hi, how is he?” she asked. 

“He’s uh...he’s asleep finally. I got him to take a bath, and I made sure he ate, but Liv he’s a mess. I don’t think he’s been out of this bed since you dropped him off here,” Sonny said softly. “I’m going to make sure he has something easy to eat for dinner while I’m still here.” 

“Thank you Carisi. I really appreciate it. Can you stay there until I can get threat assessment to send a couple of Unis down to keep an eye on him incase Marc tries something,” she said softly. She hated thinking about him laying at home in his bed like that. He had been practically comatose on her couch at certain points during his stay with her. She wanted to rush over to his apartment and promise him everything would be alright, but he asked for space. She hated that word. She hated that he felt like he needed to pull away. She wished he would let her comfort him when he really needed it. She wasn’t sure how she felt about leaving him with the unis, but she couldn’t ask Carisi to stay with him all night. She would try to figure out a better solution another time, but at the moment, she would settle for knowing he had protection. She needed to talk to him about the situation though. Because even though she was going to respect his space, she thought he would probably like to hear the news from her, and she wanted to give the unis a heads up about what they were walking into. 

She grabbed her jacket and her bag when it was a reasonable time to go home. She was planning to drop by Rafael’s and talk to him. She selfishly hoped he would be happy to see her. She hoped that she could put a smile on his face for both their sakes. Seeing him distressed was so painful for her. When she knocked on the door, Sonny answered, looking a bit worse for wear. He was holding a few dirty plates in his hand, a dish towel thrown over his arm. “Hey,” she said. “How are you?” 

“Tired,” he said softly. “Barba is in the bedroom. I’m gonna finish these dishes.” 

“Is he doing okay right now?” she asked. Carisi shook his head no. Liv sighed, coming in slowly. She walked down the hallway, knocking on the door. He didn’t even answer. She knocked again. “Rafa? It’s Liv. I need to talk to you. Is it okay if I come in?” 

“Okay,” his voice was faint. She opened the door, sighing when she saw him. He was laying down, blanket pulled up over him as he stared at the wall. The room was dark, the tv playing softly in the background, but he obviously wasn’t paying any attention to it. 

“Hey,” she whispered. “Noah misses you.” 

“I miss him too,” he whispered. She was quiet for a few moments before she spoke again, 

“Can I come sit down?” she asked. He was being very quiet which killed her inside. He nodded slightly, so she took a seat on the edge of the bed. “Did Carisi make you something good for dinner?” he shrugged at her question. “He’s not driving you up a wall yet?” 

“He’s okay,” Rafael whispered. 

“Rafa, can you sit up? I need to talk to you about something serious,” she said. His lip quivered slightly, but he steeled his face rather quickly. He pushed himself up, slowly, easing back against the pillow and letting out a sigh. 

“What’s up?” he asked softly, “Just say it, please. I can’t do all this beating around the bush.” 

“Marc is out on bail,” she whispered. “I know that is not ideal, and I know that’s scary, but Carisi was here with you, and I have a detail on the way. Someone will be by tomorrow to make sure nothing happens to you.” He stared straight ahead, and when she looked over, she could see the tears streaming down his cheeks. He sniffled, reaching up to wipe them away. He lowered his head, breathing harshly and mumbling under his breath. “What would make this easier for you Rafa?” 

“I don’t know Liv. I have no idea what could possibly make me feel better,” he whispered. It was quiet for a long time after that, but he didn’t pull away when she laced their fingers together. His chest was heaving at first, his breaths so rapid, he was practically hyperventilating, but as they sat there, he started to calm down. 

“I yelled at Jack McCoy today,” she whispered. He looked over when she said that, 

“What?” he asked. 

“I yelled at him because he’s an asshole,” she said, and he laughed. It was soft, but it was a laugh, “He assigned some baby ADA to your case which is why Marc is out on bail. I told him to get his head out of his ass. He’s calling up Alex Cabot, and we’re going to take care of this case for you, okay?” she explained. He nodded after a few moments, 

“Thank you for having my back with everything,” he said. 

“Always,” she replied. 

……………………………………………..

When Liv got to the office, she felt exhausted. She hadn’t slept well the night before, keeping herself up worrying about Rafael. He had been laying in bed again when she left, passively watching the tv, but she was glad he was doing something with his time instead of staring blankly at a wall or crying. It was a baby step in the right direction. She had been up, laying in bed herself, wondering if he was scared or upset. It killed her to not be near him. She wanted to comfort him when he needed it. She was glad she at least knew someone was keeping an eye on him though. She set her bag down at her desk, going out into the squad room. “The Unis from last night called, told me Barba hasn’t even come out of his room since they got there,” Sonny said. Liv sighed, 

“Rollins?” She asked, and Amanda nodded, grabbing her jacket, “Just try to get him to eat at the very least.” 

“Sure thing Lieutenant,” Rollins said heading out the door. Liv already had a headache. 

………………..

When Sonny let himself into Rafael’s apartment, he sighed. It had been weeks of the same thing. When he walked into the bedroom, Rafael was curled up in bed, just like every other day. He put a smile on his face, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hi Carisi,” Rafael murmured. He looked particularly exhausted this morning. 

“Do you want some breakfast?” Sonny asked. Rafael didn’t answer. Instead his eyes just filled with tears. “What’s going on?” He tried, wanting to help, but if Rafael wouldn’t talk, he couldn’t do anything. “You look like you need some sleep.” 

“I didn’t sleep last night,” he whispered, and Sonny frowned, “My mind races, constantly. I can’t calm down.” 

“How about you try to get some rest right now. I’m here. I won’t let anything happen. When you wake up, I’ll make you some food,” Sonny offered. Rafael nodded, sniffling. Sonny took a seat on the bed, settling in to wait until Rafael fell asleep. He was a little surprised Rafael had even revealed that he hadn’t slept the night before. Often he was guarded and quiet. It didn’t take long for him to start softly snoring, so Carisi snuck out of the room, taking a look around the apartment. The fridge was getting empty. He would have to tell Liv. He decided he was just making hoagies after taking a closer look at the ingredients at his disposal. He cleaned up a little bit, having nothing else to do while Rafael was asleep. He settled on the couch to watch some tv, ignoring the holes in the carpet. They should have gotten him a new carpet. It wouldn’t matter anyways though, he refused to step foot inside of the living room. Sonny flipped through the channels, wondering how to help him. At first, he had been hopeful that after a couple days, Rafael would snap out of it, but when it continued to drag on, he continued to worry. They were all at a loss. The only thing Sonny could think of was suggesting therapy, and he had been trying, dropping hints when he could, but Rafael just brushed it off every time. He would just have to keep trying. It was a couple hours before he went back to check on Rafael. He was sitting up in bed when Sonny walked in, and the detective smiled at him. “Shower?” he asked. Rafael nodded, standing up and getting some new clothes for himself. They had a routine going, and it did seem to help with some of Rafael’s confusion and memory issues. He did the same thing every day Sonny was there. It also seemed to cheer him up at least a little bit. He might sit up and watch some tv or scroll around on his phone for a little bit instead of just laying there. Rafael disappeared into the bathroom, and Sonny left him to it. He started making sandwiches in the kitchen cutting the rolls open and layering meat and cheese in the bread before adding veggies. He added mayo to Rafael’s and some italian dressing to his own. It wasn’t long before Rafael appeared, hair damp, a clean tee shirt and boxers sticking to his skin. He took a seat at the table, looking at Sonny oddly when he didn’t set down the sandwich right away, “I’m gonna give you this, but you have to listen to me, okay?” He nodded, sighing. Sonny set the plate in front of him, getting him a glass of water to go with it. Rafael took a bite, keeping his eyes down on the plate. 

“What do you want Carisi?” he whispered after chewing for a moment. He could feel Rafael’s gaze on him, and when he looked up, those sharp green eyes were narrowed. 

“I think it’s time you considered going to see Lindstrom again,” he said. Rafael’s eyes grew cold, 

“I’m fine,” he whispered. 

“No you aren’t,” Sonny replied. “All you do is lay in bed all day, and trust me, the Rafael Barba I know, doesn’t lay in bed all day.” 

“The Rafael Barba you know doesn’t exist anymore,” he whispered, standing up abruptly. “I’m going back to bed.” 

“Barba, wait--” Sonny started to say, but Rafael was already gone. He sighed, swearing softly. He thought about for a moment before picking up his plate and slowly heading back towards the bedroom, “Rafael,” he said from outside the door. 

“Carisi, please go away,” Rafael’s voice was sad but angry. 

“I have your sandwich. Please eat it,” he said softly. 

“I don’t want it,” Rafael replied. Sonny sighed, opening the door. “Are you deaf? I said go away!” 

“You’re hungry. I know you are,” Sonny said, coming further inside. 

“You’ve ruined my appetite,” he whispered. 

“How did I do that?” Sonny asked, handing him the place. 

“You made me look at your face,” Rafael grumbled, but he took the plate, wiping at his eyes. 

“Think about it Rafael. You were doing so much better,” Sonny said softly. “Lindstrom has helped you already.” 

“And then Marc showed up, and an hour later, I’m a wreck again. It’s not worth it. Life is not worth it anymore Carisi. I just want to die,” he whispered, laying his head back against the pillow. 

“Come on now Barba, don’t say that,” Sonny replied. “You can’t give up now. It’s not hopeless. I promise you that. What about you and Liv?” 

“What about us?” Rafael whispered. 

“Aren’t you two…..” Sonny trailed off. He had been sure they were finally dating. 

“We’re nothing,” Rafael mumbled. “I don’t deserve her.” 

“Why don’t you go to therapy then, work on everything, so you will deserve her,” Sonny said. 

“I won’t put her through that,” Rafael said. “I won’t. I don’t know that I’ll ever get better.” 

“You’re not listening Barba,” Sonny said softly. 

“I am listening. I just know how it is Carisi. I’m better off dead. Just go. Let me alone,” he whispered, rolling over. 

“What about Noah?” Sonny asked, feeling desperate. Hearing Barba talking like that was a huge red flag. “How devastated would he be if you died? He lost it when you went to the hospital to get some blood work done.” 

“Noah will be fine,” he whispered. “He has Liv. He doesn’t need me. He just thinks he does. It’ll take him a little bit, but he’ll get over it. He won’t even remember me probably.” 

“What about Liv then? She’s barely holding herself together right now, and if you died, she would never, ever forgive herself Rafael. She loves you,” Sonny argued. Rafael was being particularly irritating at the moment, not listening to a word he was saying. 

“She’d get over it too Carisi. I’m not that special,” Rafael mumbled. Sonny was getting frustrated now. Rafael wasn’t listening at all. 

“You know what Rafael, you’re right,” Sonny said. Rafael stiffened for a second, seemingly shocked that Carisi was agreeing with him. “Maybe Liv will get over it, and maybe Noah will get over it, but they shouldn’t have to deal with any of that. You’re being selfish.” 

“I’m being selfish,” he whispered with a laugh. “Carisi, it would help everyone else. Look at me right now. I’m a burden. Liv sent you here as your job. Besides, I’m miserable, so shoot me for wishing it was over.” 

“You wouldn’t be helping anyone. You’d just be hurting your friends and your family,” Sonny said. “And your pain could end if you go to therapy.” 

“Shut the fuck up about therapy Carisi,” Rafael hissed, sitting up. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about. This has nothing to do with you anyways.” 

“This does have to do with me. You’re talking about hurting people I care about. I care about you Rafael. You need to wake up and stop pitying yourself,” he replied. He was not going to let Rafael wallow in this self-loathing. 

“Pity?” Rafael spat, his eyes narrowing, “How about you talk to me after you’ve been raped and harassed. I’m done Carisi. I tried. I’m done. I am so damn tired.” 

“Fine, die. I’ll just take your job,” Sonny said. Rafael’s eyes narrowed even more. He let out a scoff, “I’m serious. Like you said, no one will miss you anyways. McCoy will probably hire me right away.” Rafael sat there for a second, visibly shaking with anger, his face reddening. Then suddenly a book was flying at Sonny’s head and he ducked, letting it thunk against the wall and fall to the floor. 

“McCoy is an asshole Carisi. I don’t give a fuck what he thinks about me. Get out. Just get the fuck out of my apartment and leave me the hell alone,” his voice was anger fueled. Sonny’s mouth fell open, and he looked from the book back to Rafael. It was a huge law book, and Sonny’s eyes bugged out of his head. “Out.” The detective held up his hands, retreating from the room and shutting the door. He pulled out his phone, dialing Liv’s number as he stood in Rafael’s hallway. It rang a few times before she picked up, 

“Hey Carisi? Is there a problem?” she asked. 

“Barba just threw a book at my head,” he said, still feeling more than a little bit shocked. To his surprise, Liv laughed, “What the hell, that’s not funny. He threw a giant law book at my head.” 

“It’s a good thing Carisi,” she replied. “He’s angry. He’s coming out of his funk, at least briefly. Get him angry. After he comes down from it, he’ll be docile and he might actually listen to you.” 

“So I want him to throw a book at me?” Sonny said. 

“Yes Carisi, you want him to throw a book at you. Try not to let him hurt himself though, and be careful yourself. He can get violent,” she replied. 

“Yeah, no joke,” Sonny muttered, “I guess I’ll talk to you later,” he said. He opened the bedroom door again, but he had to shut it quick because Rafael threw another book. 

“I told you to get out,” he yelled. “Get the fuck out of my room!” 

“I’m not in your room. I’m in the hallway,” Sonny replied. 

“Carisi, if you don’t shut up--” he didn’t even finish the sentence. Instead, Sonny heard some crashing from the inside the bedroom. It was only moments before he heard Rafael start screaming. It was a terrible sound, loud and tortured. Sonny cracked the door open, seeing him on the floor, on his knees, books and papers and clothes scattered around him. His fists were clenched, up by his head, his face red, tears streaming down his cheeks. Sonny knelt beside him, trying to be there. Slowly, he began to calm down, crying instead of screaming. After he finally let the emotions out, he sat there, sucking in air. 

“Try and breathe,” he said gently. “You’re alright.” Rafael sniffled, wiping at his eyes as he tried to stop breathing so hard. He managed to get ahold of himself using one of Lindstrom’s breathing exercises. He knelt there, wiping at his eyes and swallowing, 

“I’m sorry I threw that book at you,” he whispered. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Sonny replied, “What are you thinking right now?” 

“I don’t know,” Rafael murmured. His mind felt blessedly blank which was a double edged sword. It wasn’t racing like it had been recently, but at the same time, he didn’t feel like he could think clearly. 

“If I call Lindstrom, will you go?” Sonny asked softly. Rafael sniffled, but he nodded. He didn’t have any fight left in him. “Don’t worry about any of this stuff, let’s just get you dressed.” Rafael let Sonny help him up to his feet, and he sat on the edge of the bed while the detective found him something to wear. He felt mentally and emotionally exhausted as he pulled the jeans on before slipping into the sweater Sonny picked out. He put on some deodorant and brushed his teeth, but that was all the effort he had left to give. The ride to Lindstrom’s office felt short, and then he was sitting in the waiting room, pretending to read a magazine. When the door opened, he swallowed, looking up at Lindstrom who smiled at him, 

“Rafael, I’m very glad to see you. Come in,” he said softly, stepping aside. Rafael took a deep breath before going into the office. 

…………………………………………

Rafael was sitting in bed again, Rollins doing something in his kitchen. He was feeling a little better after his therapy appointments. Lindstrom had him temporarily coming every day. He was being difficult and he knew it, not talking much during the sessions, but it wasn’t on purpose. He wasn’t sure what to say. It was slowly improving though, each appointment getting easier and easier. Lindstrom was good at digging it out of him. “Hey Rafael, I made you some soup,” Rollins said, poking her head in the room. 

“Thanks,” he said softly, turning his attention back to the tv. She brought him the bowl, sitting next to him on the bed with her own food. 

“How was your appointment earlier?” she asked softly. He shrugged, taking a bite of the soup. “When’s the last time you and Liv did something? I could call her if you want,” He glared at her when she said that. 

“You’re worse than Carisi,” he mumbled. “Stay out of it.” 

“Well you haven’t thrown a book at my head,” she said, and he blushed. 

“You haven’t caught me at the right time,” he shot back, grabbing for a thin paperback that was sitting on his nightstand. “I could do it right now.” 

“Carisi said you threw a two pound book at him, like a huge one,” she said, making vague gestures with her hands. 

“He’s exaggerating,” he replied. She smiled. 

“I don’t know Barba,” she whispered, “I ‘ve seen those books in your office.” Rafael just rolled his eyes again at Rollins. “But seriously, tell me about you and Liv.” 

“There’s nothing to tell Rollins,” he said, but almost immediately his phone started to ring. He grabbed it, looking at the lock screen and Liv’s name flashed across the screen. 

“Sure there isn’t Barba, sure,” she teased, leaving the room as he answered. 

“Hey,” he said softly, unable to help the smile that spread across his face. 

“Hey Rafa, how are you?” Liv asked. 

“Okay. I’m going to therapy every day,” Rafael whispered. 

“That’s good,” she said, sounding happy. “That’s really, really great. I was actually calling because I’ve held off Noah for awhile now, and he would like to come see you if you can find some time in your busy schedule.”

“I did tell him any time he wants. I’m literally doing nothing, so I guess it doesn’t really matter when you show up,” he replied. 

“Alright, I guess I’ll be seeing you tonight. I don’t think Noah can last another day. I’ll bring dinner and a movie. It’ll be fun,” she said. 

“Okay,” he said. After he hung up, he couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Seeing Liv made a warm feeling well up inside him. Everytime he thought something was completely hopeless, she somehow managed to restore his faith. Just knowing she cared about him meant so much. It was everything. 

………………………………

Rafael stood in the bathroom in front of the mirror. He had bags under his eyes. He sighed, splashing water on his face. There wasn’t much he could do about it. He pulled out his gel, working to do his hair. He wanted to look his best for Liv and Noah. He had found a clean shirt and some jeans after some searching, and he took a shower, shaving his face for the first time in weeks. He dabbed some cologne on his neck, brushing his teeth before leaving the bathroom. He changed the sheets on his bed, leaving the door open and spraying some febreeze in there to try and air it out. All he had left to do was wait. He sat in the kitchen at his table, toying around with his phone, anxiously checking the clock. Finally after he had been waiting around for hours, his stomach twisting and turning with nerves, there was a knock on the door. He answered, smiling when Noah grinned at him, “Uncle Rafa, I missed you!” he yelled, running forward for a hug. Rafael held him tight. He had missed Noah more than he wanted to acknowledge. There was a spot in his heart that had opened up for Noah that no one else had ever managed to touch before. He cared for Noah in a way he couldn’t explain; it was private and deep, something he never wanted to give up. 

“I missed you too little man,” Rafael whispered. When Noah finally let him go, Rafael stood up, smiling softly at Liv who was watching them from the doorway, “Are you gonna come inside?” he asked softly, and she laughed. 

“How are you?” she asked softly. 

“A bit better,” he said. She started walking towards the living room, but Rafael went to his table, taking a seat. Liv picked up on his discomfort quickly, going to the kitchen instead. 

“Noah,” she called. Noah came running out, “You want to help me?” she asked. Noah nodded, taking the bags from her hands and unpacking them onto the counter. “Rafa, you too, come on, I have vegetables that need cutting.” Rafael raised his eyebrows, but he stood up, going to the counter and getting out a cutting board. They worked together, Noah and Liv laughing, and Rafael smiling. He watched as she lifted Noah so he could add ingredients to the pan, and he felt a sadness deep inside of himself. He wished that he felt like he could give them everything they deserved. He wished that he could be a part of this permanently. 

After dinner was ready, they settled on his bed to watch the movie. Noah sat between them, chattering constantly to Rafael the whole time. He didn’t mind though. What Noah had to say was far more important to him than anything that could happen during that movie. After they finished eating, Noah cuddled into his side, and he didn’t take long to fall asleep. Rafael ran his hand over Noah’s hair, holding him close. “He’s really been missing you,” Liv said. 

“I miss him too,” Rafael whispered, looking down at Noah’s peaceful face.

“How has therapy been?” she asked softly. He shrugged. 

“It is helping some,” he said. He sighed softly, leaning heavily against the pillow, his hand moving almost subconsciously through Noah’s hair. “I do feel better, a little bit. It’s just hard for me. Every day feels like a fight, and I was so close to just throwing in the towel.” He trailed off, he wanted to stop talking. He needed to stop, but it was so easy for him to bare his soul to Liv. She was so easy to talk to, he couldn’t help himself. She reached for his hand, lacing their fingers together. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. “Please, don’t you ever give up on me. I won’t ever give up on you. If you feel like giving up again, I want you to call me. It’s what I’m here for.” 

“Thank you,” he whispered, squeezing her hand. As he turned his attention back to the tv, trying to focus, his mind was fixated on their intertwined hands. Once more, he told himself it had to be the last time. Each time he allowed himself even just one more minute, it got harder and harder to pull away. The problem was, he didn’t want to. 

……………………………….

A knock on the door interrupted Rafael’s panicked thoughts. He had been anxiously sitting at the table, butterflies fluttering around in his stomach. He felt like he was going to be sick. He had been awake since three in the morning, pacing, walking, trying to distract himself. He’d already thrown up twice, heaving and gagging until his throat was raw. He had dragged himself up around six, taking a cold shower and then turning it scalding hot as he rinsed off. It had been an hour, standing in front of his closet in nothing but a towel, trying to decide what to wear. What colors would possibly sway the jury in his favor. He finally settled on a grey three-piece, often his go to suit. He picked a light blue shirt and a dark tie, both solid and simple. Black boxer briefs that matched his tie, dark blue suspenders, light blue socks to match his shirt. He meticulously dressed himself, making sure everything was perfectly pressed and flat. And then he’d settled at the table, dropping his head into his hands, worrying about if his shave had been close enough or if his hair looked greasy even though he had washed it four times, careful to get it right the first time when he gelled it, so he didn’t add too much product. His head was running a mile a minute, and when he opened his door and saw Carisi, he had to take a deep breath. 

“Morning Rafael,” Carisi said, smiling softly. Rafael didn’t have it in him to smile. He had been feeling so much better recently. Lindstrom had really been making strides with him. He usually got a full night of sleep, he went for runs in the morning, and sometimes he’d go to a little cafe down the street and read a book after his jog while he had a cup of coffee. He was feeling better, terrified he might relapse again, but better. It had been a few weeks since he’d really talked with Liv. Noah called him almost every other night for long talks on the phone or FaceTiming which often consisted of him watching cartoons with Noah and Eddie, but he had been trying to keep his distance so he could keep perspective. “I brought you a coffee and a bagel,” Sonny said as they headed down the stairs. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, rubbing a tired hand over his forehead. He settled into the squad car, sipping at the hot coffee and trying to settle his nerves. He had already done so much prep for this. He spent hours sitting on the witness stand answering questions over and over again. He’d been in court thousands of times, but somehow that felt like nothing compared to this. He ate a few bites of the bagel, but he didn’t have much of an appetite. 

“Can I get you anything?” Sonny asked, but Rafael just shrugged. He wasn’t sure what he wanted. As they got closer and closer to the courthouse, he could feel himself sweating, but he closed his eyes and took deep breaths. As he breathed, he felt some of the panic receding. He was trying desperately to stay calm. He knew he could. It had been going so well for weeks. He couldn’t let himself fall apart now. Carisi parked the car, and he sat there for a minute, staring at his hands. “You okay?” 

“I have to be,” he whispered. 

“Take a few deep breaths, we got here a little early, so you have time,” Sonny said. Rafael nodded, continuing his exercises, trying to keep himself grounded. He looked up at the courthouse steps, and they had never looked so intimidating before in his life. He got out of the car slowly, waiting for Sonny to follow. When he stood up, he could feel his body shaking, but he wasn’t going to let his emotions dictate him. He couldn’t. Instead, he took another deep breath and then a step forward. Sonny offered him an encouraging smile as he kept moving, The sky was cloudy and dark, giving him a bad feeling, but he ignored it, approaching the steps. The media was already gathered on the stairs, and Rafael hung back for a second, collecting himself. He was about ready to take that first step when he heard a soft voice from behind him, 

“Hey Rafa,” her voice soothed him almost instantly. He turned, seeing Liv standing there, black slacks, a light jacket, beautiful as always. Her hands were shoved in her pockets. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “Hey,” He wanted to step forward and pull her into a hug, but he controlled himself instead. “I--I’m sorry I haven’t called.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said gently. “Are you ready to go up? I think Alex is inside.” 

“Yeah, um, you want to help me through this mob?” he asked. She nodded, putting a hand on his back as they started up the steps. Sonny was on his other side. They helped him push through the media, and he tuned out the reporters who were screaming at him. He was doing good until one of the reporters shoved a microphone in his face. He froze for a second, the sudden movement startling him, but he took another breath, ignoring the camera flashes, focusing instead on Liv’s hand splayed across the middle of his back. She pushed past the reporter, and then they were at the top of the stairs, ready to go inside the big doors. He offered her smile, leading the way into the building. It felt so foreign yet so familiar. Liv found him somewhere quiet to sit so he could gather his thoughts before he had to go speak. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” She asked, and he nodded, “If you need anything, just tell me. I’m going to be right in there with you.” 

“What’s happened so far?” He asked softly. He had decided beforehand he wanted to be at as little of the trial as he could. He was going to be there during his testimony and when the jury came in. It was the best choice for his mental sanity. He didn’t want to worry if things started going south, and there were certainly always moments in a trial where it looked like everything was going to fall apart. 

“Well your doctor testified about the tox screen, the effects of GHB, your injuries, and I testified. Melinda testified about the DNA and all the forensics, and Alex is going to finish out with you,” Liv explained. Rafael nodded, taking a deep breath. He was trying to steel himself for what he was about to do. As he was thinking about it, he realized he had no idea who the defense lawyer was. 

“Liv,” he said, looking to her, “Who is his lawyer anyways?” Liv stared at him for a few seconds, her eyes blown wide. Her mouth opened and then closed again, and dread coiled up in his gut. He could tell something was very wrong simply by the look in her eyes. 

“Alex didn’t call you?” she asked softly. He shook his eyes, keeping his eyes trained on her face.

“Liv, just tell me, please,” he said softly. 

“Marc is representing himself,” she said. Immediately it felt like his entire world had ended. He could feel the blood rushing through his ears, his heartbeat speeding up, and he had to grab onto the table to steady himself. “Rafa,” Liv’s voice sounded like it was coming from miles away. “It’s gonna be okay Rafael, you have to try and stay calm.” She leaned her head down by his ear, whispering to him, “You have to try and calm down.” She counted softly by his ear, helping him to keep himself in check. He breathed deeply, trying to listen and follow her directions. Being caught off guard by this was not ideal. It had him feeling off balance and upset, on the verge of panicking. He wanted to go back home and hide, but instead, he shut his eyes, counting his breaths. “I know this is hard,” she said. 

“Liv,” he whispered. “I-I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“Okay, okay, you need to listen to me. You think you can do that?” she asked. He nodded, eyes shut, trying to calm himself down. She pulled a chair over, sitting beside him and holding his hand. “I know this is not what you wanted, none of this is, but Marc can’t do anything to you now. What’s the worst that could happen in there? He might yell at you, but he can’t touch you. You have prepared for this Rafael. You’ve been working for weeks with Lindstrom. You can do this.” He looked to her with watery eyes, squeezing her hand, 

“I didn’t prepare for this Liv. I don’t know if I can handle talking to him. He messed me up so bad,” he sobbed. 

“I know it’s tough. You survived everything he did to you. You can survive this. I promise you that. You shot him Rafael, you defended yourself. You took back the control. All you have to do now is answer his questions,” she said. He wiped at his face, but stayed quiet. “Do you remember when I sat up on that stand while William Lewis screamed at me? It was humiliating, I won’t lie to you, and it was certainly not easy, but here I am. I know you can do that too.” 

“I am not as strong as you Olivia,” he whispered. 

“That is not true. You better take that back,” she said sternly. “You are so, so strong. Don’t you dare believe otherwise because it is absolutely false, do you hear me?” She cupped his cheek, forcing his eyes up to meet her gaze, “You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit. All you ever do is doubt. I thought you were supposed to be smart.” He laughed weakly, sniffling, “I promise you will get through this trial, and you are going to nail that son of a bitch to the wall. I’m not going anywhere. I will be right there with you.” 

“Liv,” he whispered, “He’s going to destroy me. There’s too much wiggle room.” 

“What are you talking about? There’s no wiggle room. The first three charges have picture evidence, the fourth has a ridiculous amount of forensics to back it up, and we have Marc’s texts, his phone messages. He’s dead to rights Rafa. You’ve got this,” she said. He shook his head, laying it down on her shoulder. She stroked her hand over the hair on the back of his head, trying to calm him down. “It’s not ideal, I know, but it’s going to be alright. You can push through this. I know you can.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, and she hugged him a little tighter. 

“We’re going to do this together,” she promised. “Say it.” 

“We can do this together,” he mumbled. She didn’t let go of him after that, holding him close until it was almost time, and he let her. When they were walking towards the doors, so he could wait for Alex, he saw his mother, and his eyes bugged out. Liv hooked her arm through his own, patting his bicep in a show of support. “Mom!?” he asked in a strangled whisper. 

“Rafi,” her voice was soft, ashamed, and from the way he stiffened, Liv knew he thought she was ashamed of him. 

“Mom,” he whispered. “I really need to focus right now. If you want to yell at me again, please wait until after,” his voice shook as he spoke. 

“Sweetheart, I don’t want to yell at you,” she said gently, and he looked at her, the disbelief evident on his face. “I know that things are not okay between you and I, but I’m hoping you’ll give me another chance. I believe you, and I’m here for you right now.” He looked away, and Liv could see the glistening wetness in his eyes. She rubbed his arm as he stood there, considering what his mother said. “I’ll go if that’s what you want.” 

“No,” he whispered, “I can’t do this right now, but you can stay. Maybe we can talk later.” She nodded, reaching out, but stopping herself before she touched him. As she walked away, giving him his space, Liv led him to a bench to sit down. 

“You okay?” she asked, and he nodded. 

“I just--I wasn’t expecting that,” he whispered, “Why now? Where the hell did that come from?” 

“Um,” Liv said, and he looked to her, “Let’s just say your Mom and I had a little heart to heart.” 

“You…” he trailed off, “Thank you,” he whispered. “You didn’t have to get involved in more of my drama.” 

“Well, you are family, so your drama is my drama,” Liv said gently. He shook his head, 

“No it isn’t, but thank you,” his voice was soft. “What did you even say to her?” He asked. Liv sighed. It had been about a week before the trial was scheduled to start. 

_ Sonny had called her when she was in her office, telling her about Rafael’s improvements. It was getting to be a routine where every day, late in the afternoon, he would call and update her. When he told her Rafael was starting to seem like himself again, she had sighed in relief. He had been so far gone for weeks, and it was incredibly concerning to her. He had been able to rely on them though, his family. When she thought about the whole situation, what made her the most angry was his mother. Where was she? Did she regret anything she said to him? She couldn’t imagine abandoning her son the way Lucia had deserted Rafael. With the trial coming up, he was going to need all the support he could get, and even if he was going to push her away, she would make sure he didn’t have to go through this alone. She grabbed her jacket, going to her car and getting ready to drive to the South Bronx.  _

_ When Lucia answered the door, a sour look crossed her face, her eyes narrowing as she recognized Liv. “Lieutenant Benson,” she said coldly.  _

_ “Mrs. Barba,” Liv said with just as much ice. They stared each other down for a moment.  _

_ “Is there something you needed Lieutenant?” Lucia finally asked.  _

_ “As a matter of fact, I need to speak with you about Rafael. Can I come in for a moment?” she said. Lucia stood there for a couple minutes before she finally moved aside, allowing Liv to enter the apartment.  _

_ “I don’t know what you could possibly have to say to me,” she said, walking towards the kitchen. Liv followed.  _

_ “I have so many things I would like to say to you if I’m being honest, but I’m just going to stick to what I came here for. Rafael is not doing well. If you even pretended to care about your son, maybe you would know that. He’s trying really hard right now, but he’s going through something that no one should have to deal with,” she said. “He needs your support. It would help him a lot.”  _

_ “Support?” she said with a laugh, “You want me to tell him I agree with his choices?” Liv couldn’t keep herself together anymore.  _

_ “I want you to be a mother. You don’t deserve your son. Rafael is the strongest, kindest man I have ever met, and all you ever do is criticize him. You make him feel worthless. Your son was so depressed, we were worried he might try something. He was convinced he would be better off dead. No matter what happened between the two of you before, it’s time you step up and be his mother when he really needs you,” Liv’s voice was so tight, she barely recognized it. She was trying not to yell, but if she had to, she would. Lucia had the decency to lower her head. It was quiet for a long while.  _

_ “Is he okay?” she asked softly.  _

_ “Not really,” Liv said, “He’s doing better, but he has to testify, and it is not going to be easy. He still has a long road back.”  _

_ “I don’t know how I am supposed to help,” she replied.  _

_ “Be there,” Liv exclaimed, feeling frustrated, “Be there for him. Don’t tell him it was his own fault, don’t tell him he deserved it. Tell him you love him, and that you’re proud of him. Tell him everything is going to be okay. Tell him that he is precious, everything you should have been saying to him since he was a little boy.”  _

_ “Do you think he would listen to me?” she asked, and Liv nodded, “I don’t know.”  _

_ “You might not deserve his forgiveness, but that doesn’t mean he won’t give it to you. He’s really great if you give him a chance,” Liv said, standing up. “I hope you decide to give it a try,” and with that, she left.  _

When she looked to him, his eyes were glistening with tears. “Don’t look at me like that,” she said softly with a smile. “I’ve got your back, always.” 

“Even when I’m a dumbass?” he asked softly. 

“Especially then,” she promised. “Now I want you to look at me.” His green eyes met her soft brown ones. “I want you to tell me what’s gonna happen when you go in that courtroom.” 

“I’m gonna nail him to the wall,” he said softly, and she smiled. 

“Exactly, and then I think maybe there’s a steak with your name on it when this is all over,” she whispered. He smiled softly, but he didn’t answer, looking down at his feet. She didn’t push him. 

“Mr. Barba? They’re ready for you,” Rafael looked up when he heard his voice, and Liv walked him inside. She took a seat in the gallery, but he stopped before he crossed the floor to the witness stand. Marc was sitting to his left at the defense table, and he felt sick to his stomach. He made himself look though, staring into the those ice cold eyes, and he kept his own gaze hard, willing his hands to stop shaking. Marc shot him a smile, and he smiled right back, refusing to show weakness. He slowly made his way up to the stand, parroting back the oath and trying to quell the nerves that felt like they were exploding inside of him. He watched as Alex Cabot stood from the prosecution table. They had been doing prep for weeks, he and Alex. Usually Sonny sat with him when he was there, and it had gotten easier and easier, just like the therapy. He tried to think of it like that, like it was just prep, but Marc staring him down made that so much harder. 

“Mr. Barba, good morning,” Alex said, looking at him, and he focused on her, not Marc. It was easier. He snuck a peek at the gallery, seeing Liv and his Mom and the squad. They were there to support him, to be his backbone. They would help him keep his strength. “Can I call you Rafael?” she asked. That was good, it would make him more accessible to the jury. It would make it more personal. 

“Sure,” he said, trying to remember everything Lindstrom talked to him about. His breathing was the most important, so he took a calming breath while he still felt like he could. 

“Let’s start at the beginning, can you tell me how you met the defendant?” she asked, coming around the table to lean against the edge as she spoke to him. He could feel Marc’s smirk without looking, but he blocked it out, focusing on the question. 

“Sometimes after work, I like to go get a drink. I had just finished up a case, and I was drinking at a bar when he approached me,” Rafael answered. 

“And what did he do then?” she asked. He took another breath, trying to parse out what was important. He couldn’t remember fully what they had spoken about during prep. He took a second, collecting himself like Lindstrom told him to, and then it came to him, the alcohol. 

“He bought me a drink,” he said, “And then he bought me more and more, and then he asked me if I wanted to go home with him.” 

“Did you?” Alex asked. 

“Yes I did,” Rafael replied, trying not to look at the gallery. It was hard for him to admit the choices he made in front of Liv, in front of his Mom.  _ “Your bisexuality doesn’t change you as a person. It doesn’t change how I feel about you personally or professionally. You’re just Rafa.” You’re just Rafa.  _ She made him feel like a person, and she made him feel like maybe it wasn’t all his fault. 

“Did he ask you to do anything that you were uncomfortable with?” she asked. Now came the hard part. Rafael swallowed, nodding, 

“He wanted to have sex, but he wanted to be on top. I don’t trust very easily, so it’s hard for me to put myself in a vulnerable position like that. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it,” he explained, keeping his hand flat on the wood. He was trying to hold back nervous tics and twitches, but it was hard to keep himself calm. 

“How did he react?” Alex asked him, coming closer. She could tell he was getting nervous and upset. 

“He agreed to other activities. He said it was alright, but it became a problem later in our relationship,” he said. He cringed even thinking about a relationship with Marc. It was hard to remember a time when he felt safe enough with Marc to be in a room with him alone. It was hard to know that he put himself in that situation. 

“Can you elaborate on that?” Alex asked. He looked to the gallery, needing some reassurance, and Liv nodded. It helped soothe him. 

“It was okay at first, he took me for dinner, we watched movies at his place, but he was fixated on his fantasy. He pushed my boundaries every time we had sex. He bothered me and pressured me over and over again, and I was in the middle of a tough case. It was too much, so I caved, and I consented,” he said. 

“So, you consented to have sex with the defendant, him on top, you on the bottom?” Alex asked to clarify, and Rafael confirmed the statement. “Do you remember what happened after that?” Rafael had to shut this eyes for a moment, 

“I laid down on the bed,” he said. “He got on top, he used a condom like I asked, but he was rougher than I like. It made me uncomfortable. When it finally ended, I was crying. I think I felt overwhelmed. Marc was very gentle with me then, he stroked my hair and brought me some water. He told me to sip it slowly, and I did, and then the last thing I remember clearly was feeling drowsy very suddenly. My limbs felt heavy.” He could feel the tears building up, a burning sensation making his throat hurt. His nose was burning too, his eyes filling with tears, making his vision blurry. He tried to swallow them down, to keep himself in check, but it was hard. It was hard remembering being that helpless. 

“You told the police in your original statement that your memories were fuzzy. Can you tell me how that changed?” Alex asked. He was glad she was getting out in front of that question. He swallowed again, 

“I--I worked through some of it with a therapist. Sometimes, memories come back to victims with time even if they were drugged. Usually in pieces,” he explained. 

“Objection,” Marc said, looking to his lawyer who was his co-counsel. The man nodded, whispering to Marc for a second, “He’s not an expert.” 

“Mr. Barba is qualified to speak based on his experience as a sex crimes attorney,” Alex said. 

“Overruled, continue Ms. Cabot,” the judge said. 

“Can you tell me anything else you remember from that night?” she asked. Rafael kept his eyes down, the tears escaping. It was only a few. 

“I remember being face down on the bed, his fingers shoved inside of me, and I wanted him to stop. I couldn’t talk or move. He stroked my hair and told me he was going to give me more. I don’t know if this was before or afterwards, but I remember him forcing himself in my mouth, choking me, my head was limp. I couldn’t move or fight,” his voice was soft, breaking with each word. 

“What happened the next morning?” Alex asked him. Now, she was almost directly in front of him. He wiped at his eyes for a second, wanting his voice to sound solid and not wavering. 

“I woke up with a terrible headache. I felt drowsy and sluggish, but it wasn’t like anything I’d ever felt before. I was confused, and then I realized I was late for work. Marc told me I drank a lot the night before, but I only remembered having one drink. I was rushing, trying to get to work, and I accidentally knocked my wallet into the trash can. When I pulled it out, I saw three used condoms tied off,” he explained. 

“How did you react?” Alex asked. 

“I was so disoriented and confused, I rushed to my office and changed my clothes before trying to make the end of a meeting at the SVU precinct. When I arrived, Lieutenant Benson, a friend of mine, pulled me aside and asked me what happened. I was scared, so at first I denied that anything wrong happened. I left after I let her put makeup on my neck to cover the hickies. I went back to my office, and I asked my assistant to give me fifteen minutes. I sat down on the couch in my office, and I just cried. I cried because I couldn’t remember, and I cried because I was scared, and of course, Lieutenant Benson came after me. She sat down next to me, and she convinced me to go to the hospital and get a rape kit,” he said softly, trying to distance himself from the memories. It was hard not to have them start playing in his mind. Laying in that hospital room while they swabbed him everywhere, while they took pictures, wondering what had happened to him while he was incapacitated. 

“And afterwards?” Alex prompted, bringing him back to the present. He took a deep breath, 

“Lieutenant Benson took me home,” he said. Alex didn’t want him implying he had done anything wrong. She made him leave out the part where he insisted on being in his own apartment. “I couldn’t sleep, so I took half an ambien, the doctor gave them to me to help me sleep. I was on my couch, and I must have finally fallen asleep. The next thing I remember is someone pulling me off the couch and hitting me. It was over and over again. It wasn’t until he spoke that I realized it was Marc. He was angry I had talked to the police, and he forced himself in my mouth. After that, he pulled down my pants and he raped me. I cried, I begged him to stop, but he choked me and kept going. When he finished, he kissed my forehead and he told me he was going to come back. I couldn’t move almost at all. I managed to grab my phone from where it fell a few feet away, and I texted Lieutenant Benson to come help me. Then it was just painful and fuzzy.” 

“Do you remember what happened when she arrived?” Alex asked. He nodded again, 

“Yes. I just remember hearing her voice, and I knew I was safe. It soothed me. I calmed down some just because she was with me,” as he said it, he looked to the gallery, seeing Liv’s soft smile. She was keeping him calm even now. “She told me that everything was going to be okay, and she told me help was on the way. She asked me who hurt me, and I told her it was Marc. She sat with me until EMS came and took me in the ambulance. My jaw was broken, they had to intubate me, and I had a second rape kit done,” he said, his voice soft. “It was very hard.” 

“Can you tell me about what you did after your stay at the hospital,” Alex asked, and he grimaced. 

“I was very depressed,” he replied, “I couldn’t take care of myself, so I stayed with Lieutenant Benson. The police were trying to find Marc.” 

“When was the next time you had any contact with the defendant?” Alex asked. 

“He texted me, and he kept calling and leaving messages. He told me he was going to come back again, and he sent me….pictures of myself. It made things worse,” he said. “And then I was finally starting to feel like myself again, months later, Marc reappeared. I was getting ready to take my friend’s son to a baseball game when Marc knocked on the door. He’s only five, and he opened the door. When I came out, I saw Marc standing with him, and I had to make sure he didn’t hurt him, so I told Marc that if he let him go, he could do whatever he wanted to me. Once Noah was safe, I-I let Marc kiss me, and then he made me get on the floor, and he started undressing me, but I realized I couldn’t let it happen again. I broke his nose with the back of my head and I kneed him in the groin so I could get away. I had to shoot him in the shoulder to stop him.” 

“I’m sorry I have to show these to you Mr. Barba, but I need you to tell me about these pictures please,” Alex said, clicking on the tv. He shuddered when he saw the pictures of himself. They made him feel sick to his stomach. “You said that the defendant sent these to you?” Alex asked. 

“Yes,” Rafael said. “That’s his apartment, and that’s me.” She clicked through the pictures, and he kept his head down, not wanted to look up or look at Liv. They disgusted him. 

“And these are text messages the defendant sent you?” Alex asked. 

“Yes,” he said again. She played his voicemails, and Rafael felt sick to his stomach. Then came the pictures from his rape kit, his bloody, messed up face, all the bruising, the tearing, the blood everywhere. 

“Alright Mr. Barba, thank you,” Alex said, smiling at him. He was halfway done. When Marc stood though, he felt a heavy dread starting to consume him. He had to keep breathing with every step forward Marc took. It was only moment before he was right in front of Rafael, drawn to his full height, and he knew he was trying to intimidate him. The problem was, it was working. He knew how to deal with bullies though. Never show weakness, so he swallowed down his fear, and kept his face straight, not showing his emotions. He remained stoic. 

“Hey Raf,” Marc said, putting his hand on the stand. 

“Objection, your honor,” Alex said, standing up. The judge glared at Marc. 

“Step back, and you are only to refer to the witness by his last name,” the judge said. Marc held his hands up, taking a step back. 

“Alright, Mr. Barba,” Marc said. “I want to talk about the night we met. What did we do when we went back to my place?” Rafael took a second. He knew Marc was going to try this. He knew he was going to try and embarrass him. 

“I performed oral sex on you,” Rafael said softly, and Marc was smirking like a smug bastard. “And you used your hand on me.” 

“And how about the next time we hooked up?” Marc asked. 

“Objection, your honor, he’s trying to embarrass Mr. Barba,” Alex said. 

“Overruled, but get to your point,” the judge said. 

“Did I ever force you to do anything in our sexual encounters prior to this alleged attack?” Marc asked. 

“No,” Rafael said softly. 

“You admit you consented the first time we had anal sex?” Rafael hated this. It was so hard for him to talk about everything that happened, and Marc knew exactly what buttons to push. 

“Yes, I consented,” Rafael said. 

“And weren’t you moaning and and pushing back against me the whole time?” Marc asked. 

“I may have been,” Rafael replied, “But I mostly remember disliking how you pinned me down.” 

“Oh, but you came all over the sheets, more than once,” Marc said, “Isn’t that true?” Rafael frowned, he didn’t remember that. 

“I remember having one orgasm,” he said. 

“That’s right, you don’t remember half of the night. You don’t remember begging me for more, right? Did you have anything to drink that night?” he asked. 

“One glass of whiskey,” Rafael said. 

“Have you ever blacked out when drunk in the past?” Marc asked. 

“I don’t usually get drunk,” Rafael replied. 

“You did a lot of things with me that you don’t usually do,” Marc said, and Alex stood to object, but Rafael answered anyways. 

“You raped me,” Rafael said. Marc was starting to get to him. 

“That’s what you want everyone to think, but you and I both know that isn’t true,” Marc said, taking a step closer. Rafael was starting to feel like his chest was getting tight again, but he focused on his breathing, trying not to panic. “Tell me something, are you comfortable with your sexuality?” 

“Objection,” Alex said, standing. 

“Goes to his motives for testifying your honor,” Marc said. 

“Overruled, Mr. Barba, answer the question,” the judge said. 

“I’m comfortable with myself,” Rafael replied. 

“Have you ever had a successful relationship with a man?” Marc asked, and Rafael could feel his face reddening. This was private information.  

“No,” Rafael finally admitted. 

“Have you ever wished you were straight?” Marc asked, and Rafael could feel his face getting even hotter. He felt tears starting to prick his eyes. Marc was humiliating him. This was not something he wanted to talk about. 

“Mr. Barba, you have to answer,” the judge reminded him. 

“Yes,” he finally whispered, his voice strained, “Yes, I have wished I was straight before. It is very tough sometimes to accept yourself, but I’ve grown since then.” 

“You’re afraid of what people think of you. Our relationship made you uncomfortable,” Marc said. “You don’t want to admit to yourself or anyone else that you enjoyed everything we did together.” 

“That’s not true,” Rafael insisted, his voice breaking. “You brutalized me.” 

“You begged me for it,” Marc said, “Again, and again, and again, and then you were scared because I took our relationship seriously.” 

“Stop lying,” Rafael said, the tears streaming down his cheeks. 

“Didn’t you beg me to not use a condom? You wanted to feel me inside of you,” Marc said. 

“Objection,” Alex interrupted, but Rafael was upset, he couldn’t stop himself from answering. 

“I thought you gave me HIV, I cried for days when I realized you didn’t use a condom,” Rafael argued, wiping at his face. 

“You called up your friends, the police, and they moved forward on the case because they have a personal relationship with you, not because they actually believed any of it,” Marc said. Rafael couldn’t stop himself from starting to sob. The tears made it hard for him to breathe calmly. He didn’t feel like he could do this anymore. All of it was too much, Marc standing so close to him, yelling at him, telling everyone blatant lies. It was too much. He felt so violated again. He looked to the gallery, expecting to see his mother looking disgusted, to see Liv looking disgusted, but instead, Liv sat there, her eyes on him, and she lifted her hand putting it over her heart. It spoke volumes to him. It was her telling him so many things with one simple gesture. That one action made him feel like he wasn’t alone, like she loved him, like it was going to be okay, and it was enough that he felt like he could speak again. 

“That’s not true,” Rafael whispered. 

“It’s okay Raf. I still love you, and baby, I forgive you,” Marc said softly, reaching out and touching Rafael’s wrist. “No more questions.” Rafael felt frozen as he sat there, but as he started to destress, he reminded himself that it was over. He was done. Marc didn’t get to talk to him anymore. He was managing to control the tears that had been falling, keeping them inside, but he needed to leave the room quickly if he didn’t want to break down in front of everyone. He forced himself up to his feet, trying to keep steady by holding onto the stand. The judge had ended court for the day, so Liv and Sonny were there to help him out of the room. Liv guided him to a room where they could sit. He was shaking as he sat down. 

“Good job,” Liv whispered. “You did such a good job.” 

“Liv,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears again. He let himself go. He needed to let out the emotions. Marc talking to him made him feel sick. He felt like he had been violated all over again. 

“I know, I know that was tough, but you did it,” she said. “You did so well. He’s just blowing smoke up there. None of them are going to believe that. I promise.” He leaned his face against her shirt, letting her comfort him as he cried. He needed it to stop hurting. He was so tired of it. 

“It’s not fair that he got to do that to me,” he whispered. “He did it to me again.” 

“No he didn’t Rafael. You kept calm during it, and you did great. The jury is going to believe you, and he’s going to jail,” Liv said softly. 

“You really think so?” he asked softly, his voice distorted by the tears. Liv stroked her thumb over his cheek, cupping his jaw and kissing his forehead, 

“I know so,” she promised. 


	12. Chapter 12

Rafael was in bed when his phone started ringing off the hook. He shoved his head under a pillow, wondering who the hell wanted something from him at this time of night. He rolled over, groaning and grabbing for his phone. He yawned, his head feeling fuzzy. He just wanted to pass out forever after his day in court. He felt emotionally and physically exhausted. He pressed the accept button without even checking to see who was calling. “Hello?” he asked softly. 

“Hey Rafa.” He was a lot more awake as soon as he heard Liv’s voice. 

“Liv? What’s up?” he asked, pushing himself up to a sitting position. He rubbed his face tiredly.

“Sonny is on his way to your apartment right now, I need you to come down to the station,” she said. It was something about the tone of her voice. It was something very bad. 

“Liv, please, how bad is this?” he asked, running his fingers through his hair, “I’ve had a hell of a day, and I don’t know if I can handle any more.” 

“I can’t explain this to you on the phone. Get up, get dressed, and Sonny will be there soon. I’m going to make sure it’s alright,” Liv promised. He paused a few moments, taking a breath. 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon I guess,” he said softly. He hung up, setting his phone down and trying to keep himself in check. He had to run his fingers through his hair again, his nerves starting to get the better of him. He wished Liv would just tell him what was wrong instead of beating around the bush. She could have told him on the phone, but it was bad, so she wanted to make sure he wouldn’t kill himself or whatever else she was scared about. He got up, turning on the light and yawning again. He dug around in his drawer, finding a pair of jeans and a sweater. He didn’t have the energy to try harder. He grabbed his phone and his wallet, and as a last minute thought, he grabbed the picture Noah had drawn for him, folding it up and tucking it into his pocket. He had been keeping it with him, and it helped when he needed it. A knock on the door and he was feeling anxious, but he pushed through it, going to answer. 

“Hey Barba,” Sonny said, a soft smile on his face. Rafael’s eyes immediately landed on the coffee in Sonny’s hand though. He reached out and took it, sipping at the warm liquid. He would need the caffeine judging by the look on Sonny’s face. 

“Let’s just go Carisi,” he said tiredly. Sonny gave him his space when they were in the car, just driving quietly, the radio playing on low. Rafael looked out the window as they sped through the city. He was so ready for all of it to be over. He couldn’t handle this sort of thing anymore. He took another sip from his coffee. “Thank you for the coffee Sonny,” he said softly. 

“You’re welcome Counselor,” Carisi replied. 

“On a scale from one to ten, can you please tell me how bad this is?” Rafael asked. Sonny didn’t answer right away, his eyes staying on the road, “Please, I can’t walk into this blind. I just can’t,” 

“I don’t know how to answer that Rafael. It’s good in some ways, but it’s also bad. Try to stay calm,” Sonny said. Rafael shook his head. How was he supposed to stay calm? He felt like he was going to die. He shut his eyes, breathing slowly and trying to keep himself under control. He reminded himself not to catastrophize. He needed to find out what was wrong before he let himself get upset about it. When Sonny parked, he took another deep breath before standing up and going inside. When he walked in the door, Rollins shot him a look like she felt sorry for him, and Fin offered him a soft smile. The door to Liv’s office was closed. 

“I’m just going to…” he trailed off, running his hand through his hair again before going to Liv’s office. He opened the door, going inside. Liv looked up, motioning for him to take a seat on the couch. “Liv, please just tell me what is going on right now. I can’t--I can’t do this right now, okay.” 

“I know Rafa, just sit down. I’m gonna tell you,” she said, getting up and bringing the computer with her. When she sat down, she laid a hand on his knee, “TARU called me a few hours ago. They were working on some files on Marc’s computer, and they found a video,” she said. He swallowed. A video? A video of what?

“A video of….me?” he asked finally. 

“Yes Rafa, a video of you,” her voice was gentle, and she had this sympathetic look in her eyes that he hated. He hated her feeling bad for him. He didn’t want her pity. “It’s from when you were drugged, and I need you to watch it and identify Marc’s voice or his penis or whatever you can.”

“I don’t know Liv,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears again. “I don’t know if I can do this.” 

“Okay, I know. Take some time. I need to call Alex though,” Liv said gently. Rafael nodded, but he didn’t want her to go quite yet. 

“Will you sit here with me for a few minutes?” he asked, and she nodded. She set the computer down, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He leaned against her, shutting his eyes and trying to assure himself it was going to turn out okay. “Has everyone seen it?” he asked softly. 

“No, just me and Fin. Carisi and Rollins know we have it though,” she said, pulling him closer so she could actually give him a hug. 

“Is this damning Liv?” he asked. 

“You are clearly out of it. Obviously incapable of giving consent. It’s damning,” she said. That did make him feel better. Maybe this whole mess could be over finally. 

“That helps,” he whispered. He sniffled, wiping at his wet cheeks, “You can go make your phone call. Just give me like fifteen minutes to try and get myself together, and I’ll try.” 

“You are a very brave man Rafa, don’t forget that,” she said, standing up. “I’ll send Rollins to get you something to eat.” 

“Thanks Liv,” he whispered. As he sat in her office alone, he started to think about what this meant. On one hand, Marc was certainly going to prison. There was no doubt, but on the other hand, everyone in that courtroom was going to see him like that. They had all seen the pictures though. He was going to have to ask his mother to sit one day out. Thinking about her watching that video had his chest feeling tight. He tried not to let the fear paralyze him though. He needed to try and stay calm, so he could do this. He spent his fifteen minutes of alone time doing deep breathing exercises. He was itching to call Lindstrom and set himself up an appointment, but it was the middle of the night, and he had already been such a pain in the ass patient. He looked up when there was a knock on the door, seeing Liv coming in with some Chinese food for him. He gratefully took the carton, setting it on the table in front of him. Liv took a seat beside him again. 

“Alex is almost here. She’s going to watch with us, and she’s going to have to call Marc,” Liv said. “Is that gonna be alright?” 

“I don’t really have much of a choice,” he whispered, but Liv shook her head.

“If you feel uncomfortable in any way, I want you to tell me immediately. I will figure something out Rafa. I promise,” she said gently. He nodded, feeling emotional. Liv made everything so much easier for him, and it meant the world when everything felt impossible. “You’re not alone in this.” 

“I know Liv,” he whispered. He was sure the look on his face betrayed all the feelings that overwhelmed him every time he saw her. This was why he had to distance himself. Every time he was even close to her, his feelings were so distracting. He had loved her for so long that it was hard to control himself. It was so normal for him to feel that way around her, sometimes he forgot to filter it or fight it even. Liv rubbed his back gently, trying to comfort him. 

“You remember I won’t look at you any differently because of this,” she promised, and he nodded, intertwining their fingers. After a few moments of silence, he started to eat his food to try and stay calm, so he could make it through even though it was tough. When Alex arrived, she knocked on the office door, and Liv let her in. 

“Hey,” she said, “How are you holding up?” Rafael just shrugged in response to Alex. “I didn’t really get to talk to you earlier, but you did well on the stand. I think the jury is with us.” 

“Thanks,” he whispered. 

“Let me see this video. I’m gonna have to get a copy that I can turn over to the defense. Especially if I want to use it tomorrow,” Alex said. Liv nodded, getting her computer. She set it down on the coffee table, and Rafael put his food down, not feeling hungry suddenly. Liv sat beside him, plugging a flash drive into her computer and setting the video up before turning to Rafael. 

“You ready?” she asked, and he nodded. She hit play, and he immediately felt sick. The video was obviously taken with a cellphone, the shot starting from farther away, showing Rafael sprawled out on his stomach on the bed. Marc stepped closer to him, zooming in on Rafael’s face. His eyes were closed, his mouth lolling open, soft groans escaping him every so often. 

Marc’s voice made it even worse, “It’s okay Raf,” he said softly, hand running over Rafael’s soft hair, “You won’t remember any of this.” He started stroking his hand over Rafael’s back for a couple minutes before he dragged his limp body around so his legs were hanging off the bed, his body bent over the side. “I should have done this before. You’re so gorgeous baby, oh I can’t wait to get inside you again.” 

“You doing okay?” Liv’s voice tore him from the video, and he swallowed, his mouth feeling dry. Watching this made him feel horrible. 

“I guess,” he whispered. He focused back on the screen. Marc now had his fingers inside of Rafael, the camera zoomed in, and he had to turn away. “Can we please stop for a second?” he whispered, his voice cracking. Liv paused it, minimizing the window so he wouldn’t have to look. 

“Take your time Rafa,” she said softly. He nodded, staring down at his lap and fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. 

“I don’t know if i can do this,” he whispered. 

“I know it’s tough,” Liv said, “But I also know you can do it. Is there anything I could do that would make this easier?” 

“Can Alex wait outside?” he asked softly. “I’d feel more comfortable if it was just you and me.” He hung his head, feeling ashamed of himself. “I’m sorry.” 

“No worries Rafa,” Liv assured him, pulling Alex aside for a few moments and whispering. Rafael took those extra few moments to try and get himself back under control. He wanted to stop crying. He mostly knew what Marc did to him anyways. Watching was just so much harder though. It left nothing up to his imagination. It made him feel vulnerable, and he knew Alex needed to watch, but he hated her seeing him like that. Liv was the only one he trusted, the only one he could be open with like that. “Tell me when you’re ready,” Liv said, taking a seat beside him again. He had to take a few more shuddering breaths, “It’s over Rafa, it’s all over,” she said, trying to make sure he wasn’t having flashbacks or getting too upset. 

“I know,” he whispered. “I know it is, but it’s really hard to watch. We should start it again. I want to get this over with.” Liv nodded, but she put a hand on his leg again, hoping it was comforting to him. Liv brought the video back up, hitting play again, and he swallowed hard. 

“Oh baby, you feel so good around my fingers. So tight and hot. Come on, open up for me,” Marc said, and Rafael could hear soft noises coming from his own lips. They were muffled against the bed, but he knew exactly how he had been feeling at that moment from the splintered remnants of that night that had come back to him. He was terrified, unable to do anything but lie there and take it. He couldn’t even fight back. “Like velvet. You ready for some more? I know you are.” When the camera zoomed in on Marc pushing inside of him, Rafael had to grab onto Liv to steady himself. He felt like he was going to throw up. Liv’s hand was a comforting weight on his thigh, and he leaned closer to her. “Oh fuck, Raf, you should have let me do this sooner.” As he spoke, his voice grew in anger, his movements growing more violent. He grabbed onto Rafael’s shoulder to give him leverage to thrust harder. 

“It’s over now,” Liv’s voice penetrated the horror he was feeling as he watched his own body being violated. Her hand moved from his leg up to his hair, stroking through his dark locks. The video continued on like that with Marc changing positions and talking the whole time. It made Rafael feel so incredibly awful, worse than he’d felt in awhile. Almost worse than how he felt in the courtroom. “Alright, can you identify the person in the video for me?” she asked. He took a breath again, 

“It was Marc,” he said, and Liv nodded.

“Good, you’ll probably have to do that officially in court somehow, but that will do it for tonight,” Liv said. “Do you want Sonny to drive you home?” 

“No,” he said. He didn’t really want to be alone at the moment. 

“I’m going to be here for a couple more hours. You can stick around and keep me company if you want,” she offered. He nodded. Being around Liv for a little bit longer sounded better than going home to not sleep for the rest of the night. “Do you want me to put this in the fridge?” 

“Yes please, I’ve lost my appetite,” he said softly. Liv nodded, taking the food and disappearing from the room. He assumed she needed to talk to Alex. He dug his phone out of his pocket, shooting a text to Lindstrom to see him in the morning. He needed a therapy session badly. When Liv returned though, she brought him a bottle of water which he sipped at. 

“Do you want me to sit with you?” she asked, and he nodded. Liv brought over some papers, taking a seat beside him on the couch. “What do you need right now Rafa?” she asked softly. 

“I-I don’t really know,” he whispered. “I need to lay down I think.” 

“Maybe you could try to get some sleep,” Liv suggested, and he sighed, 

“I don’t really think that’s going to happen,” he said, “But I can try.” 

“I really think this would be good for you,” Liv said, grabbing for the jacket she slung over the arm of the couch when she had come back to the office. She bunched it up in her lap, patting it, “Lay down, close your eyes,” she said softly. He couldn’t help himself, curling up on his side, his cheek resting on the jacket. She gently stroked her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down and relax him enough that he might fall asleep. “Everything bad that happened is over,” she whispered. “Now, you’re safe with me.” 

“I’m safe,” he mumbled, already feeling drowsy. She was so familiar, so comforting, and he felt like maybe he could fall asleep. All the stress of the day melted away when he was in her arms, and he was exhausted from all the emotions, so laying down with Liv so close had him starting to drift off already. His last conscious thoughts were of the peace he felt as Liv’s fingers danced across his scalp, forking through his soft locks of hair. 

……………………………………………………

Rafael was sitting down. He felt so tired, and his back hurt from sleeping on the couch, but he had to reappear on the stand in just twenty minutes to talk about the video. Alex had apparently spoken with Marc and his lawyer about a deal which he had promptly refused. Rafael was a little perturbed she had offered a deal without even asking him, and he was on the fence about it anyways. In some ways, he didn’t want to get back up on the stand, and he didn’t want anyone to see that video, but he didn’t want Marc to get out of the full prison term. Marc and Alex made that decision for him though, so here he was, getting ready to testify again. “Raf, they’re ready for you,” Liv said, poking her head out of the courtroom. He swallowed, taking a step inside the room. He walked back up to the stand, sitting down and feeling lightheaded. Alex smiled at him comfortingly. 

“Mr. Barba, I’m going to play a video for you and the jury,” she said standing up. She started the video, and then turned to him, “Can you please identify the people in the video for me?” 

“The man on the bed is me,” he said softly, “And the man speaking and filming is the defendant.” Alex had to finish the video for the jury, and Rafael kept his eyes trained on the ground as long as he could. When it was over, Alex sat back down, and Marc stood. He felt his stomach rolling. 

“Why do you always do this to me?” Marc asked, and Rafael wasn't even sure how to respond to that. “I’ve tried so many times to show you how much I love you, but then you turn around and stab me in the back.” 

“Objection,” Alex said, but Marc wasn’t listening. 

“Admit it isn’t true Raf, admit it,” Marc said. “It’s bullshit.” 

“It’s not,” Rafael said softly. 

“Admit it,” Marc’s voice was rising. 

“There’s video proof,” Rafael said. Marc seemed to think about it for a moment before he suddenly started rushing the stand. In the blink of an eye, the bailiff had tackled him and they dragged him out kicking and screaming. Rafael just sat there. His heart was racing ten thousand beats per minute, his eyes fixated on the wall. Liv was beside him before he realized any time had passed at all. 

“Rafa,” she said softly. “Hey, do you want me to call Lindstrom? Marc is gone now.” He didn’t answer for a few moments. Marc was gone. He had just lost it in front of the jury, and they had dragged him away. He was gone. Giggles started bubbling up in Rafael’s chest before they escaped his mouth, growing louder until there were tears streaming down his cheeks as he laughed so hard his face was turning red. Liv was looking at him like he’d lost his mind, and honestly he wasn’t sure that he hadn’t, but he just found it so funny that Marc completely lost his cool and had been tackled in front of everyone. After all the humiliation he had to endure in the last six months, Marc had finally gotten some of what he deserved. “Rafa,” she said again, “Are you okay?” He couldn’t stop the laughing though. Finally he started to calm down, his sides aching. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, I just, he humiliated himself in front of everyone. It’s like karma, finally.” Liv smiled softly, brushing some hair away from his face. 

“Karma is a bitch,” she said, and he laughed again. 

………………………………………

Rafael was sitting in the gallery, holding tight to Olivia’s hand. The trial was finally over. He was finally about to hear the words he had been waiting for, for so long. He finally might be able to sleep at night with no nightmares. There was a creeping dread building up inside of him though. There was this little voice in his head that was telling him despite the insurmountable evidence the prosecution had presented that Marc might get off. That voice was torturing him, making him feel shaky, but he kept reminding himself about the evidence. Liv kept telling him too. 

Marc was standing at the defense table, cuffed, and Rafael felt like all of his breath left him as the jury began to read the verdict. “We find the defendant guilty.” It was like all the tension he had been carrying around for months finally left his body. He felt like jelly, his body limp and relaxed. Marc was going to jail for a very long time. He was finally done. It was finally over, and he was done. As he stood, he felt like he was going to pass out. Liv held tight to him, 

“It’s over now Rafa. It’s done,” she promised. “It’s done.”

………………………………..

Liv was done. It had been weeks since the trial, over a month actually, and she hadn’t heard a word from Rafael. She had given him loads of space. So much space he could probably build multiple houses between them. He was doing well. She heard it from the rest of the squad. He was finally looking like himself again, acting like he used to. He was changed. There was no question of that, but he was slowly getting as close to normal as he was going to. She was done waiting around for him to decide he was ready because she knew he never would. He was terrified, so scared he would be a disappointment. He didn’t think he deserved her, and she hated knowing that he felt that way. He was pushing her away even though he knew she loved him too. She had hoped at the beginning that he might work his way through those feelings and realize she could make that decision on her own, but he had shown no signs of changing his mind, so she was going to change it for him. She wasn’t waiting around anymore. She was going to make a move, and hope that he responded well. The whole elevator ride up, her skin was tingling, thinking about finally getting her hands on his skin. It had been so long, and she wanted him so badly. As she approached the door, she second guessed herself for a moment, but she was confident she knew what was going on in his head. She knocked on the door. 

Rafael looked ruffled and delectable, wearing a pair of grey sweats that rested low on his hips and a white tee shirt that stretched across his broad chest. His hair was fluffy and lightly gelled, falling out of place, a brushing of stubble across his jaw. She couldn’t wait any longer. Surprise flashed through his eyes when he saw her, but she barely gave him time to say a word, “Liv!? What--” his words were muffled by her lips crashing into his, her tongue delving past his lips, her hands trailing over his tee shirt, one coming up to cup his cheek as their bodies came closer. Liv pulled back after a few moments, the kiss taking the edge off. She checked his eyes for any panic, but he mostly just looked surprised. 

“You’re a moron,” she said. “A dummy,” she kissed him again before murmuring, “A big dummy.” With two hands on his chest, she shoved him backwards, cutting off all objections. She pushed him against the wall, getting her lips on his once more, her hand groping him through his sweats, and his arm flailed out, smacking the door shut. “I’ve never met someone so infuriating,” she whispered before sucking on his pulse point. 

“Ah,” he gasped when she pulled some of his skin between her teeth. “Did you just, oh God,” he could barely speak, feeling breathless and desperate. “Did you just come here to insult me?” She didn’t answer right away, grabbing handfuls of his shirt and yanking him around, melding their lips together once more as she backed him up towards the couch. She shoved him onto the couch hard, climbing onto straddle his lap. 

“No,” she whispered, her breath ghosting over his ear, “I came here to fuck you.” His eyes went wide as he swallowed, his pupils blown with arousal. He paused a second, hands at his sides, so she started kissing his neck. His head fell back at first, baring his skin for her, but then he started to tense up. 

“Liv, Liv, wait a second,” he said, and she stopped kissing his neck, but she pressed a finger over his lips, “Liv--” 

“No. I don’t want to hear another word out of your mouth unless you’re telling me how good I’m making you feel or that you love me. Not a word,” she said. She paused for a second before adding, “Unless you need me to stop.” He swallowed hard again, but he wasn’t fighting her. “Good,” she said, pulling him back in for a hungry kiss. She didn’t feel capable of waiting much longer. Later, she wanted to take her time and map her way across his body, taste every inch of skin, but right now, she needed him inside of her. She was aching for him, warmth pooling in her belly, every area where their skin touched felt like it was tingling. His lips were soft, his stubble scraping across her cheek as she kissed him. He was letting her take the lead, sitting back and opening his mouth for her, their tongues dancing over each other, his hands resting on her sides. She shifted to put more of her weight in his lap, and she could feel him hardening against her leg. He was groaning softly into her mouth as she started to pull at his shirt, lifting it over his head and flinging it to the ground. He grabbed at her shirt, easing it off of her, and then she was dragging down his sweats, leaving them tangled up around his knees. She slipped out of her own pants, flinging her panties to the floor and then she fisted his cock a few times before sinking down around him. His head fell back against the couch, a loud groan escaping his lips. “This is okay?” she whispered before doing anything more. He nodded, his breathing so ragged, she thought he might be hyperventilating. 

“It’s good,” he whispered, “So good, please.” She slotted their lips together again while he unclasped her bra, pulling it off and palming her breast. One hand cupped her breast, the other resting on her hip as she started rolling them, lifting herself up and slamming back down. He let out soft gasps and moans with each movement, his hips rising to meet hers more and more as the pace increased. His head fell back, his whole body taught, hands tightening around her, pulling her body closer. “Fuck, Liv.” 

“I love you,” she whispered, stroking her hands through his hair before connecting their lips again. His thumb brushed over her nipple making her groan, and she balanced herself with a hand on his shoulder, hurtling them both towards climax at an unsustainable pace. His skin was reddening, the flush spreading over his chest, and he was gasping in breath between kisses. 

“Shit, you’re gonna give me a heart attack,” he whispered with a laugh, their breaths mingling, her forehead leaned against his. 

“Don’t be dramatic,” she whispered, and he laughed again, but it turned into a strangled sound when she bit down on his neck. 

“I’m gonna die, you’re gonna kill me,” he gasped, “But that’s okay, it sounds like a delicious way to go out.” Liv shook her head at him, pressing their lips together to shut him up. She couldn’t get enough of him. He was like a drug, and she was hooked. She felt like she could do this for the rest of her life. She never wanted to let him go, never wanted to sleep in a separate bed again. She wanted him more than anything she had ever wanted before. His hand tightened on her hip, meeting her movements furiously. His free hand dropped to her clit, rubbing circles, the pressure increasing inside of her until she felt like she was going to explode. Rafael was close, she could see it in his face. His eyes were half lidded, his jaw slack as he whispered her name over and over again. “I love you too,” he murmured. “So much, I love you so much.” 

“Come for me Rafa, come on,” she whispered. “I’m almost there.” They fell over the edge together, her hand tightening around his shoulder so hard it would probably bruise. His hand was on her back, yanking her closer, her name tumbling from his lips continuously. His head rested against her shoulder, his hand stroking over her back. They were a mess of limbs, sweaty skin sticking together, but neither of them ever wanted to move. He was gasping against her skin, gripping onto her. Tears were filling his eyes, but they were good tears. He felt good. “You okay?” Liv’s voice was soft. He swallowed around the lump in his throat, 

“I’m more than good,” he mumbled. “Am I still an idiot?” 

“Yes Rafa, you’re still an idiot,” she whispered, and they both laughed. 

“Do you want to move to the bed?” he asked. “We should probably--we should probably talk about this.” 

“We can talk later,” Liv said. “You and I are going to get dinner. We can talk then. I want five minutes to catch my breath, and then I want you back inside of me.” He chuckled softly, 

“The mind is strong, but the body is weak,” he mumbled. “Liv, I think I’m gonna need more time. I don’t know if I can--I don’t know.” 

She sighed dramatically, a smile playing on her lips, “I guess I could wait, but you better make it good later.” He thankfully realized she was joking, 

“Copy that lieutenant,” he whispered, and she laughed. “Really though, let’s go to my bed.” 

“Okay,” she whispered. 

“I think you need to carry me,” he said, feeling boneless as he relaxed into the cushions. “I can feel every individual muscle in my body.” Liv climbed off of him carefully, and she smiled. He looked utterly debauched, his chest still heaving. She smiled at her handy work, feeling more than a little bit satisfied. He was so gorgeous like this. She helped him untangle his legs from his sweatpants and boxer briefs, flinging them to the ground beside his shirt. 

“Come on Rafa,” she said, helping him up. He groaned but quieted down when she held his hand. He collapsed into bed when they made it there, and she climbed in beside him, wrapping her arms around him. He snuggled into her, shutting his eyes. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I’m an idiot.” 

“I forgive you,” Liv replied, rubbing his back, “You’re gonna make up for it.” 

“Mhmm,” he whispered.

“And then I’m gonna take you out for a nice steak because we wouldn’t want you to miss your dinner and get all grumpy on me. Once I’ve adequately fed you, then we can have an actual conversation about this,” she promised. 

“Conversation and steak sounds good,” he said. She could hear the tiredness in his voice, 

“You can take a nap sweet man,” she said, her hand smoothing over the back of his head. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. You still owe me some mind blowing sex.” 

“It feels like this is a dream,” he whispered. “You’re too good to be true. I know you think I’m an idiot, but I still don’t feel like enough for you or Noah.” 

“Rafa, I am going to spend the rest of our lives proving to you that you’re worth it,” she promised. “But right now, I want you to let me love you. I need you to trust me. You are worth more than you know.” 

“Okay,” he whispered, “Okay.” 

“Now get some sleep. You need to rest up for later.” 

……………………………………………………..

When he woke up in Liv’s arms, he felt emotional. He wasn’t dreaming. It was real. Liv loved him, and she thought he was worth her time. He still felt so inadequate, but she asked him to trust her, and he was going to do his best. He would go to therapy every day if he had to. “Morning sleepy head,” Liv whispered. 

“Morning,” he replied, not moving. He rested against her, never wanting to move from her arms. 

“You think you’re ready to fulfill your promise?” she whispered against his hair. He felt wiped, but Liv’s smooth skin pressed against him, the suggestion of going again, and he was beginning to feel flushed once more. 

“Oh Liv,” he whispered. “I am going to blow your mind.” 

“Good,” she said. “I’ve been waiting for a very long time.” He sat up, letting himself look her over and take all of it in. She was so beautiful, wrapped up in his soft blue sheets. He had just changed them that morning. He pulled the sheets away from her skin, licking his lips. He had thought about this more times than he liked to admit, always inadvertently, but he had thought about it. He knelt between her legs, pulling them up so he could press his face against her core. She gasped, fingers immediately twisting in his hair. He nuzzled the inside of her leg for a moment before diving in, licking a stripe down her middle. He loved the soft noises coming from her mouth, her fingers yanking on his hair as she directed him where she wanted him. He let her take the control, pulling him in different directions. He was relentless, working her up into a frenzy. She was groaning and gasping his name. “Rafa, more, please, fingers,” she gasped. He immediately did as she asked. He wanted to make her feel so good. She came hard, squeezing her legs around his face. She was limp on the bed, breathing heavily as he climbed up to his knees. 

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered, drinking in the sight of her sprawled out on the bed, coming down from an orgasm he gave her. It was surreal. 

“Come here,” she whispered, opening her arms, and he eased himself down, balancing on on his arm that he rested beside her head. Their lips fit together just right, her hands running over his bare skin and he shut his eyes and reveled in the opportunity to run his hands all over her body. He kissed her lips, over and over again, moaning when she pressed her tongue in his mouth. Then he kissed her neck, sucking and nipping lightly. He made his way down to her breasts, his tongue flicking over her nipple, making her gasp and arch into him. Making her feel good sent shots of warmth to his groin. His thighs felt like they were burning, and he was lightheaded. It felt like all the blood in his body was traveling south. He was kissing down her stomach when she grabbed his wrist, pushing at his shoulder until he rolled over onto his back and she could climb on top again. She started on his neck, sucking and biting until he was sure there were dark purple bruises, but he didn’t care. Her teeth scraping over his adam’s apple was intoxicating. He gripped her arms, holding on for dear life as she started to kiss across his chest and over his nipples. He hissed, feeling ridiculously sensitive. When she took him into her mouth, his eyes fluttered shut for a moment before he forced them back open. He groaned out loud as he watched her bob over him. His hands were scrunched up in the sheets, his mouth falling open as she swirled her tongue over the head. 

“Olivia,” he moaned. “Oh Liv, please.” He didn’t even know what he was begging for. Her nails scraped over his thighs, and she hummed around him making his back arch off the bed. “Shit, shit.” When she pulled off, he whined, and she smiled at him lovingly.

“I believe it’s your turn to do the work,” she said, and he laughed, pressing her down against the bed and pushing himself up so he was perched over her. “Blow my mind,” she whispered into his ear. He pressed inside of her slowly, watching her face the whole time. The moment felt heavy and emotional. He felt the intensity. Her brown eyes looked up to him, full of love and admiration, and felt tears welling up in his own. He laced their fingers together, pressing her hands back against the bed as he rolled his hips forward. “A little slower,” she whispered, and he complied. Their lips moved together, their bodies so close it felt like they were one. Her leg was wrapped around his hip, ankle hooked over the back of his thigh, pulling him in harder with each thrust. “I love you Rafa,” she whispered between kisses, “I love you so much, forever.” 

“I love you too,” he breathed. “I’ve loved you for so long.” She caught his lips again before pulling a hand free so she could cup his cheek. 

“Rafa, I need you to come home,” she said, the tears shining in her eyes. “Come back home to me and your little boy. To our son.” Tears trailed down his face as he pressed into her again, 

“Okay,” he whispered.  “Okay.” The pace stayed slow, controlled, but his thrusts were heavy and satisfying. Liv arched against him when he massaged her clit with his thumb, and he started to move a little faster, “Come on Liv,” he whispered. 

“Oh, oh Rafa, harder,” she whispered. A well-aimed thrust threw her over the edge, pulsing around him as she rode out her high. He wasn’t far behind, pressing his face against her breasts as he came down from the most intense orgasm of his life. He felt changed. He laid in her arms, once more, and this time neither of them felt the need to talk. 

………………………………….

Liv was laughing as he climbed into the passenger seat of her car, his hair still damp from the shower. “It’s not funny,” he whispered. 

“Oh Rafa,” she said, shaking her head, “You gotta admit it was kinda hilarious.” 

“Liv, they were knocking on the fucking wall,” he was glowering. They had been going at it again, her instructing him to go harder and faster, and he obeyed, but his headboard smacking against the wall combined with their swearing and groaning must have been louder than they realized. Loud knocks on the wall sounded out, but she had talked him into ignoring it which he hadn’t minded in the moment, but now he was sulking. She figured once she got some food in him though, he would be in a much better mood. “You don’t have to live here,” he whispered. She wanted to remind him that he didn’t have to either, but she was going to wait to discuss that until after he had eaten. In the moment, he had said one thing, but she wanted him to be clear minded and able to think about his options before they made concrete plans about how and when.

“Relax, I’ll make it up to you later,” she promised. That placated him for the moment. “And smile cause you’re about to get some really nice scotch and a big, thick steak. Whatever you want.” 

“Thank you Liv,” he whispered, and she reached over, squeezing his leg. When they pulled into the parking lot, he got out, letting her hold his hand on the way in. He asked for a booth, and he smiled finally when he took a seat across from her. 

“See, you’re already feeling better,” she said, reaching for his hand. 

“I always feel better when I’m with you,” he said softly, putting it on the table. She couldn’t help but smile. 

“I love you too,” she whispered. The waiter came by, interrupting the moment, but Rafael seemed happy to order his scotch and his steak. She ordered pasta and some cabernet. They kept the conversation light until the food came out, and that was when she finally redirected it to the serious talk they needed to have. “How do you feel about all of this? I know we had been going slow before this, and we don’t need to jump in if you need more time. I need you to be honest and open with me.” 

“Honestly, I’m feeling okay,” he said, taking a sip of his drink. “You know I’ve wanted this for a very long time. I’m sorry I was so scared that I almost ruined everything.” 

“Don’t apologize. Being scared is natural,” she said. “This is all new. We just have to talk okay? You and me have to find time to talk to each other.” 

“I can try,” he whispered. “What are we going to call this? Are we telling people?” 

“Do you want to tell people?” she asked. Rafael took another bite of his steak before nodding. “Let’s just start easy. We can tell them we’re dating. We’ll see where everything goes.” 

“What about Noah?” he asked. 

“What do you mean?” she said looking up as she took a sip of her wine. 

“What are we going to tell Noah?” he said, looking far too worried. She almost laughed at him, but she managed to hold back. 

“We can just tell him the truth. He loves you Rafa. He’s gonna be so excited,” Liv said. He still looked stressed though, despite her reassurances. “Look at me. Now is when you tell me what’s wrong, so I can help.” His green eyes met her own, and she hated the fear that was obvious in those beautiful irises. 

“I don’t even know what a good Dad looks like Liv, I don’t know if I can be there the way Noah needs me,” he said softly. She didn’t understand how he could be so oblivious,

“Maybe you should look in the mirror,” she said. He rolled his eyes, but she glared, “Don’t you roll your eyes at me. When Noah was sick, you took such good care of him. So good, in fact, that you forgot to take care of yourself. Then when Marc showed up, you let him hurt you again to protect Noah. You put his needs first. You’re already doing such a great job Rafael. No one is perfect, but you’re doing great.” His lip quivered, his eyes filling with tears. He sniffled, taking another sip of his drink before wiping the tears from his face. 

“You really think I could do it?” he asked. 

“I know you can do it,” Liv said, “And we can start slow. When you’re ready, we can just ease you in. You and I can make decisions together, and I can start telling Noah, and as you both get used to the arrangement, you can start doing more and more. We can figure it out together, okay? None of this has to happen overnight. We can just start out with you and me.” They were both very serious about this. Despite the fact that their relationship was still young, they had already been practically in a relationship when he was staying in her apartment. They both knew where this was headed. It was only a matter of time. “No pressure, I know what you said earlier, but I want to hear your thoughts on moving in. It can wait if you need, but I’m not going to lie. I miss you like crazy, so I hope it would be sooner rather than later.” 

“When I left, it was because I felt like I was being selfish. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for either of you, but I knew if I stayed, I wouldn’t be able to make the tough decisions. Today was the first time I went into my living room since Marc raped me in the middle of the floor. My apartment doesn’t feel like home anymore. My home is with you. With you and Noah,” he said softly. It was Liv’s turn to get emotional this time. “So, if you’ll have me, I want to come home very soon. I want to wake up beside you in the mornings, and I want you to be the last thing I see at night.” 

“I guess maybe we should call the squad up, see if they’re up for a move,” she said, and he nodded. She couldn’t stop smiling. It was all she had wanted for over a month. She just wanted him to come back home. “How are you feeling about work?” she asked. 

“Um…” he whispered, “I’m not quite there yet. Right now, I’m still trying to get back to being me.” 

“Whatever you decide is okay,” she said, “I love you no matter what.” 

“I love you too,” he whispered, “More than anything. I just wish this had happened earlier.” 

“I realize all those times you were asking me out were your attempts to make our relationship more, and I was too blind to see it. I wish I’d seen it earlier,” Liv said. 

“We all make mistakes,” Rafael whispered. “I seem to make huge ones.” 

“Why did you start dating Marc in the first place?” she asked, hoping to point out to him that there were good things about Marc. There were things that he truly had liked, and there was no way he could have seen what happened coming. He looked up to her, the discomfort clear in his eyes. 

“I don’t know that you want to hear this,” Rafael said. She put her hand over his. 

“If you had to live through it, I can hear it,” Liv said. He wanted to be honest with her, but he didn’t want her to feel bad in anyway, and he also felt a little stupid for the way he acted. 

“After I asked you to go get drinks, I honestly just felt depressed and rejected,” he admitted softly. “I don’t want you to feel bad, really. I just was feeling really down, so I went out for a drink by myself, and he started hitting on me. I was so sick of being alone. I jumped into it blindly. It was my fault.” Liv stared at him, her mouth open just a little bit. 

“Rafa,” she whispered. “Oh sweet man, I am so sorry you ever felt that way because of me.” 

“No, don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I made that decision. It was me,” Rafael reiterated. 

“It was Marc’s fault Rafa, but I’m sorry all the same. Thank you for trusting me with the truth,” Liv replied. He smiled, nodding. 

“You make me feel safe,” he whispered. She smiled back, going back to her food before asking him another question. 

“Everything we did earlier was okay?” she asked, “I didn’t mean to ambush you, but I couldn’t sit around and wait anymore.” 

“It was good. Trust me, I’m not complaining,” he said softly. 

“You’re up for a little more when we get home?” she asked. He nodded, his eyes going dark briefly. “Don’t get too excited mister, we still gotta walk out of here.” 

“I think you owe me some dessert,” he said, and she laughed, tossing him the dessert menu. 

“I’ll get you whatever you want Rafael,” she said, so glad that everything finally seemed to be going well. 

………………………………….

Rafael was sitting on the bed, Liv kneeling between his legs. He stroked the back of her head, fingers forking through her hair. The hot, wet suction made his eyes flutter shut. “Oh God, Liv,” he whispered. “You’re so beautiful.” She trailed her fingers over his sweaty skin and he moaned loudly when she did something delicious with her tongue. The pleasure was building inside of him, growing as she moved up and down on his cock, tightening her lips on the way down. She pulled off for a moment, looking up to him, her hand pumping up and down his shaft as she pressed a kiss to the leaking head. 

“Good?” she asked, and he laughed breathlessly, 

“Oh, more than good,” he whispered. 

“Does this make up for earlier?” she asked, continuing to move her hand. It was so hard for him to put together a coherent thought. Things had changed so quickly in a day, and the last thing he had expected to be doing when he woke up that morning was sitting on his bed while Liv gave him a sort-of apology blow job. 

“So much. Screw the neighbors,” he whispered. She laughed again, her thumb spreading the precome over the slick, sensitive head, and he had to lean back. He felt lightheaded, and somehow he felt himself hardening even more as she took the head of his cock back into her mouth. Soon he was flat on his back, fighting to keep his eyes open so he could see her taking  the rest of it. “Oh shit, Liv, I’m not gonna last much longer.” She swallowed around him, her hand fondling his balls, finger brushing over his perineum, and he was gone. When he felt like he could open his eyes again, he groaned, swallowing, “That was...incredible, thank you.” 

“It was the least I could do after traumatizing your neighbors,” she said with a laugh. He felt like he needed a shower again, but he was so exhausted. He rolled over on his stomach, panting against his pillow as he tried to calm down. He felt like an exploding ball of nerves, his body thrumming with the aftershocks of pleasure. He was expecting her arm to curl around his waist, but instead her soft voice rang out in the silence between his heaving breaths. “Rafa?” her voice sounded weird. 

“Hmm?” he asked, feeling uneasy about the tone of her voice. 

“What happened to your back? That looks like it hurts,” her voice was worried and soft, and he swallowed. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he replied softly. He knew she was talking about the angry, jagged scar that decorated the middle of his back. It still hurt from time to time, reminding him of bad memories. 

“Rafa, I know you told me about your Dad. Did he--” she started to ask, but he interrupted. 

“Leave it alone Liv, I told you it doesn’t matter,” he snapped, getting out of bed and digging around in his drawer for a tee shirt and some boxers. He settled back down on his side, hugging the pillow to his chest as he stared at the wall. The arm he expected before finally wrapped around his side, her body pressing up against his back, 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she whispered. “You don’t have to tell me. Maybe we should just go to sleep. It’s been a complicated day. I’m tired, you’re tired.” He just nodded, not feeling like speaking. She turned the light out, holding him close, but he was wide awake all of the sudden. Why was he so scared to tell her? Snapping like that was uncalled for especially when she was only trying to help him. She was only caring, and he was shutting her out. If he wanted this to work, he couldn’t push her away anymore. She would hold whatever he told her close to her heart. He would never have to worry about her using it against him or telling anyone. He could trust her. He sat up, reaching over and turning the light back on before looking at Liv. She was looking at him, the worry evident on her face, propping herself up with her hand. She had the sheets pulled up around her, covering her skin. “Rafa, really, I’m sorry. Let’s just go to bed.” He swallowed, looking at her as he reached down and pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor. He grabbed her hand, bringing to to a small scar on his stomach. He moved it up to a mark on his chest, and then he turned around to face the wall, guiding her hand to rest on the angry red line that marred his skin. Her fingers brushed over the furled, tightened flesh lovingly, a stark contrast to the way he had gotten the scar. Liv wrapped her arms around his neck from where she was kneeling behind him, rubbing soft circles on his chest. 

“One night,” his voice trembled as he started to speak. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” she whispered. “Really, you don’t.” 

“One night when I was eight, I was laying in bed. I was starving. There was this gang at school and they always used to come after me for my lunch money, but Eddie would protect me. He was sick though, so I didn’t eat lunch when I was at school,” he paused, swallowing heavily. “My Dad was angry with me, and honestly I don’t even remember why. He was always angry with me. He was ignoring me, and that meant my mother was too. I wasn’t allowed out of my room, but I was so hungry. I couldn’t sleep, so I went down to the kitchen, and I was looking through the fridge for anything that I could take back upstairs.” Tears were welling up in his eyes, and he took a second to breathe. Liv’s arms tightened around him, pressing her lips to his cheek. “He heard me, of course, and he threw me against the wall. My Mom was in the other room, I know she heard me scream. He kicked me for a little bit, and then he pulled off his belt, and he started beating me with it. With the buckle. That scar on my back is from the buckle of his belt.” 

“Oh Rafa,” she whispered, and suddenly her body felt even closer to his. She kissed the side of his neck, and he leaned into her touch, “You didn’t deserve all of the awful things they put you through. You deserved so much more.” 

“It’s okay Liv,” he whispered. “It’s over, and I am okay.” 

“No,” she hissed. “It’s not okay. It’s never okay. What happened to you is never okay. But I’m here if you need to talk about it. I’m right here.” 

“It’s very hard for me to talk about,” he admitted softly. “It’s hard to think about, but I trust you. I know I can talk to you about it, so I’m sorry I snapped at you. You didn’t deserve that at all.” 

“Stop apologizing,” she said. “You don’t need to apologize for that.” 

“Yes I do. You were just caring, and I do need to apologize,” he replied. He stood up, stepping out of his boxers. He didn’t want anything between them anymore. He laid back down on the bed, turning out the light before cuddling up in her arms again, resting his head against her shoulder. “I guess I probably need to talk to my Mom at some point,” he whispered. 

“Not if you don’t want to,” Liv replied, her hand stroking over his hair and back. 

“She’s my Mom,” he whispered, “I know she’s messed up alot, but she’s my Mom, and I want to try.” 

“Then I’m going to support you in that every step of the way Rafa, but I can’t sit here while she walks all over you. You need to set down rules with her,” she said. He nodded. He knew Liv was right. So far, his mother had been nothing but toxic, and he couldn’t let that happen anymore. He couldn’t let her continue to push him down, and if Noah was going to be his responsibility, he wasn’t going to allow that negativity around his son. 

“Noah,” he whispered. “She’s going to want to see Noah, but I need her to prove to me that she can change before I’m letting her anywhere near him.” 

“I told you, you are a great father already,” she said. 

“Will you go with me when I talk to her?” he asked. She tightened her hold around him, 

“Of course I will.” He smiled, feeling like this was a new beginning. He finally had his chance to be happy, and he sure as hell wasn’t letting go of it for any reason. 

………………………………………….

Rafael was restless. Liv could tell just by looking at him. He was pacing back and forth, running a hand through his hair, and she wished he would take a deep breath and try to calm down. “Hey,” she said softly, and he looked to her, “Breathe. She can’t do anything more than refuse to listen.” 

“You’re right,” he said, but he still looked worried. 

“I know you really want this to work out, but it’s in her hands, not yours,” Liv reminded him. He nodded again, straightening the sweater he was wearing. They headed out to the car, a bottle of wine in Rafael’s hands as she drove towards his mother’s house. 

“Is Noah having fun at Sonny’s house?” Rafael asked softly, and Liv nodded. 

“Sonny told me they’re eating lots of ice cream and staying up late, so Noah is probably ecstatic,” Liv replied, and Rafael shook his head. “He’s going to be so glad to see you.” 

“You think?” Rafael asked, looking to her unsurely, “I don’t want him to feel like everything is changing.” 

“Rafael, Noah will be so happy to see you. Like I said, we’re gonna take this slow. Noah doesn’t have to call you Dad tomorrow or even a year from now. We need to see what you’re comfortable with and what he’s ready for,” Liv said. “We were living with each other for months, so this relationship is unusual.” 

“I know. We just started dating, but it feels like it’s been forever,” Rafael whispered. “I know you better than anyone else.” 

“If it’s ever a lot or overwhelming, you have to promise me you’ll say something,” she said. He nodded. 

“I promise,” he said. When she pulled up beside the apartment, he took another deep breath, and she put a hand on his leg. 

“This is going to be alright. I promise,” Liv told him, “Come here, give me a kiss.” He leaned over, connecting their lips softly for a brief moment. “Just look forward to later when you and I can go home, spend some time together, alone, before Noah is back tomorrow,” she whispered. 

“Would it be okay if I talked to him?” Rafael asked, “I want to talk to him, see how he feels, and maybe take a week or two before I fully move in.” 

“Sure Rafa, of course,” she said. “That sounds like a good idea. Come on now, we can’t sit out here forever.” 

“You don’t want to live in a box with me on the side of the street? We could cuddle for warmth,” he joked, and she laughed. “No really, the possibilities are endless when it comes to cardboard. Endless supply of material.” 

“Come on,” she said, pulling on his hand. He sighed dramatically, but he followed her to the door. His Mom buzzed them in, and when they made it up to the apartment, he knocked on the door. When the door opened, they were immediately hit with a spicy and delicious smell coming from the kitchen. “Mijo,” she said with a big smile, coming at him with open arms. He froze, stiffening, and he didn’t move when she wrapped her arms around him. Liv wanted to tell her to back off, but she kept her mouth shut. Rafael wanted to repair his relationship with his mother, so she was going to support him in that every step of the way. 

“Hi,” he said softly.

“Here, come in, I made dinner,” she said, and Rafael looked to Liv, his eyes wide. She patted the back of his shoulder, pushing him inside, and then she followed. He took a seat at the table, setting the wine down. Liv sat beside him, and rubbed her hand over his thigh. He smiled, but there was a tightness to his features that broke her heart. “You doing okay?” she asked. He didn’t have time to answer though because his mother made a reappearance. She carried in a big pot that was steaming, setting it down in the middle of the table. “I made fricasé de pollo _ ,  _ Rafa’s favorite,” Rafael made a face when she said that, but he didn’t say anything, smiling when she looked to him. He poured Liv a glass of wine, setting it in front of her before pouring his mother some wine as well. He poured himself a glass while his mother was filling his bowl. 

“Smells good,” he said, “Gracias Mami.” 

“You’re welcome Rafi,” she said, and his smile grew tight again. When everyone was settled and eating, he looked up, 

“Mom, we need to talk,” he said. 

“Okay then darling, talk away. I’m listening,” his mother replied. He looked to Liv, and she offered him a reassuring smile, holding his hand. 

“I know you don’t like talking about this sort of thing, but we both need to acknowledge that things are not and have not been alright between us for a long time,” Rafael said softly. 

“Well maybe things would be better if you didn’t send your girlfriend to do the talking for you,” she said. He took a sip of his wine, his shoulders visibly tensing up. Liv squeezed his hand, biting her tongue so she wouldn’t cut in. 

“Mom, I thought you agreed to talk,” he said, his voice tight. She frankly wanted to end it already, but he was trying so hard. 

“I did agree to talk Rafi, we’re talking, aren’t we? It’s kind of a two way street. And I agreed to talk with  _ you _ . I think your girlfriend owes me an apology,” Lucia said. Rafael clenched his jaw, red starting to spread up his neck. 

“She has a name,” he hissed. “It’s not ‘my girlfriend,’ her name is Olivia, and she owes you absolutely nothing. I thought you wanted to try. I thought maybe you would actually give this a shot.” He stood, like he was going to leave, but Lucia scrambled up too.

“Wait Rafi, don’t leave, wait,” she said, and he stopped, his face turning red now. 

“Why not,” he said lowly. “You don’t care. You never have.” He looked like he was going to explode, but he turned away for a couple moments, hands laced behind his head. 

“Rafi--” 

“Don’t,” his eyes were filled with rage. “I’m going for a walk because I’m not Dad, and I won’t yell and scream and terrorize my family. I’ll be back.” With that, he disappeared out the door, and Liv tried to keep herself in check. This was not her battle to fight no matter how much she wanted to protect him. It was awkward, the silence, and in the end, Liv couldn’t help but say something. 

“He’s trying really hard right now because he wants this to work. He would really appreciate it if you gave even a little bit of effort,” she said softly, “And if you need me to apologize to you for the sake of your relationship with Rafael, then I’m sorry. I’ll say whatever you want.” Lucia didn’t say anything else. When Rafael came back inside, he looked better. There were flakes of snow in his hair, and he was shivering, but he looked better. 

“I am going to talk, and you are going to listen,” he said, his tone of voice leaving no room for argument. “I want to try, but there have to be rules. I need to set down some ground rules for my own mental health. I’m still fragile from everything,” he explained. “Are you going to shut up and hear me out?” She didn’t answer right away, but she finally nodded. “This has to be by my rules, or we can’t see each other. For too long I’ve let you walk all over me, and I can’t do that anymore. You can’t yell at me if you don’t agree with my decisions, you can’t tell me I’m going to hell, you can’t put me down constantly. I need you to let me live my life. You don’t have to agree with my decisions, but I need you to respect them. I need you to respect me.” It was quiet for a long time after that, but finally, Lucia looked up to him, and nodded once more, 

“I can try,” she said, finally softening a little bit. “I can’t promise you I’ll be perfect.” He finally took a seat again. 

“I’m not asking for perfect,” he said, “I’m asking for decency. I also need you to give me space. A lot of what happened in this house still haunts me. I’m still very angry,” his voice was soft, and Liv patted his back, trying to keep him calm. “I am doing my very best to work through that anger. I am trying, but it might take me time. I need you to ask me if you want to hug me or something like that. I have a lot that I’m still sorting through right now, so I’m sorry, but I need time.” 

“Take the time you need,” his mother said. She was a little cold though which Liv resented. Liv resented this entire conversation. She hated the way Lucia was being rude to him, and she hated that he was letting it happen. He took a long gulp of his wine. 

“I want to go home,” he said softly. “I’m ready to go home, and I want to call Noah.” Liv rubbed his arm, starting to get up when his mother spoke, 

“Do you think I could see Noah sometime? I’ve been waiting for the day you would give me grandbabies,” she said. Rafael’s face hardened immediately. 

“Noah is not a baby. He is five years old, and you won’t be going near him until you can prove to me that you are going to stop being toxic. That little boy is a child, and I refuse to subject him to anything that might harm him. Frankly, I don’t trust you,” he said, his voice sharper than it had been all night. Even if he wouldn’t stand up for himself, Liv knew he would stand up for Noah. He would step in front of a bus for Noah. 

“Alright Rafa, let’s go on home,” Liv said softly. “I think it’s been a long night,” and he nodded. 

“I guess I’ll talk to you another time,” Rafael said, rubbing his face tiredly before letting Liv take his hand. She walked him out of the apartment, and he settled into the car, feeling drained. Liv leaned over, pressing her lips to his softly, and as she pulled away, he grabbed at her shoulder, keeping her close, “Don’t leave.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered, “But I’m a little twisted up like this. When we get home, we can cuddle for the rest of the night. Whatever you want.” He nodded, letting go of her finally, “Did I ever tell you how much I love you?” he smiled, buckling his seatbelt. A year ago, he would have been going home from his mother’s to an empty apartment, hating himself, but now he had Liv. Now he was okay. Things were so much better. 

……………………………………………

Liv’s fingers in his sweaty hair felt so nice, his head resting on her bare stomach. He was running his hand down her side, over her damp skin, down to her thigh, “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered. “the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” He was tracing shapes with his finger over her stomach, his nails tracing down her skin lightly every few seconds. He was addicted to her. To talking with her, to looking at her, to kissing her, to being inside of her. He was addicted to Liv. He pushed himself up, looking down at her, at the soft rise and fall of her chest, at the love in her eyes as she looked right back. 

“I am so proud of you for earlier,” Liv whispered. Fingers brushing through his hair. He couldn’t help but smile, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her lips. It was intoxicating. Every touch made him feel dizzy. It was surreal. “I love you,” she whispered between pecks of their lips. 

“I love you too, more than anything,” he said. “No matter what happens between me and my Mom, you and Noah are all the family I need.” She pulled him down for deeper kisses, keeping their lips connected for long moments, moving in a sensual dance. His body was thrumming again, his hot skin pressed up against the length of her body. He kissed her neck, wanting to suck hickies into her skin, but he pulled back, looking at her, “Do you mind if I give you a hickey?” he whispered. She laughed softly, 

“Are we fifteen?” she joked. He pressed his face against her neck again, nuzzling, 

“I want to look tomorrow and see it. I want to remember that this is real everytime I look at you. It feels like a dream,” he whispered. “I feel like I’m in the middle of the best dream I’ve ever had.” 

“You’re not dreaming sweet man. This is real, and yes, you can give me one hickey. I’ll trust your discretion,” she said, stroking her fingers over the back of his head. He pulled her skin between his teeth, gently sucking and nipping an area below her jaw. Her blunt nails dragging against the skin of his back was an added layer of stimulation. He needed her again. He hadn’t had so much sex in a very, very long time, but he felt like he could keep going forever. 

“Liv, I need to be inside of you again,” he whispered. 

“You’re ready to go again already?” she asked. “Wow Rafa, this might be a record.” 

“You have no idea what you do to me Olivia,” he mumbled. She laughed, pushing at his shoulders. He let her push him onto his back, climbing over him to straddle his hips. 

He couldn’t help the way his mouth fell open as she lowered herself onto him. “Does that feel good?” she asked softly, pinching one of his nipples. 

“Ohhh fuck,” he whispered, “Fuck.”

He couldn’t help arching up against her, her hands planted on his chest, giving her leverage to start a brutal pace. “Shh, you think you can be quiet for me?” she asked softly. “Noah’s gonna be home tomorrow, and you and I are going to have to either be really, really careful or there will be no more sex when he’s home.” 

“I can try,” he whispered, his mouth feeling dry. She traced her thumb over his bottom lip, pausing for just a moment to look down at him, to look at the trust in those green eyes, and she realized how lucky she was to have him. 

“Alright, sweet man,” she whispered, guiding his hands to her hips and grinding down on him. His breathing was heavy and deep, but he was doing well keeping his noises in check. His pupils were blown wide, “You’re so gorgeous and strong,” she murmured, her hands running over the muscles of his shoulders, palms sliding across his stomach. “My beautiful Rafa.” He grunted softly, his hips rising from the bed when she said that. “My wonderful, perfect man.” She kissed his forehead and then his lips, and he was craning to keep her from pulling back. 

“More,” he whispered, “Please, please.” 

“Shh, shh, I’ve got you,” she said softly, pumping her hips harder. He was biting his lip, trying to muffle the moans. “You’re perfect. You feel so good,” she promised. 

“Ah,” he gasped as she dragged her nails down his chest. She pressed a finger to his lips, reminding him to keep quiet, and his mouth fell open. He stayed obediently quiet though, his face screwing up in ecstasy as she hurtled them towards orgasm. His hands were squeezing tight around her hips, and he tried to loosen his grip so he wouldn’t bruise her, but he was hanging on so hard, pulling her down faster and harder with each thrust. She was doing the work though, and he was hanging on for the ride. He was sucking in heaving breaths, focusing his energy on keeping quiet. She ran her hands down his biceps, 

“Come on Rafa,” she whispered, “Come for me.” He let go, her name falling from his lips as he rode the waves of pleasure, and when he felt like he could move again, his eyes fluttered open, looking at her through half-lidded eyes. 

“Let me finish you,” he mumbled, “Please.” 

“I suppose,” she joked, “Where do you want me?” 

“You’re the commanding officer here Lieutenant,” he whispered, a little smirk on his face, and she was going to wipe that right off. She crawled up the bed, straddling his face, and he grabbed her thighs, getting to work. 

………………………………..

“I thought you said your favorite meal was lechon,” Liv said the next morning as they were lounging in bed, enjoying the last few hours of their alone time. 

“It is,” he whispered, his eyes closed, sheets pulled up to his waist. “You would think she would know her own son’s favorite meal.” 

“You would think a lot of things Rafa,” Liv whispered, pressing a kiss over his pec. 

“It doesn’t matter now anyways,” he said. “She’s really excited about Noah though. She texted me three times already. I didn’t even know she could text.” 

“Oh,” Liv said, continuing to work her way across his skin with her lips. 

“She wants to go to lunch. I think I’m going to give it a try next week,” he whispered. Liv pulled him in for a kiss. 

“If she starts to give you a hard time, I don’t want you to put up with it,” she whispered. He sighed, 

“I know,” he murmured. She rested her head on his chest, and he ran his fingers through her hair, his hand smoothing over the back of her head. “When’s Noah gonna be home?” he asked. 

“A couple hours,” she replied. 

“We should take a shower,” he said. “I’m taking him out for ice cream later.” 

“Oh he’s going to be so happy,” Liv said. “Come on, I’ll scrub your back.” She took his hand pulling him out of bed with her and to the bathroom, kissing him lazily as she waited for the water to warm up. 

“You just wanna look at my ass,” he teased softly, arm looping around her waist to pull her even closer. 

“It is pretty cute,” she murmured, giving it a squeeze. He laughed softly, pressing his face against her hair. When they climbed under the water, it was lazy touches and slick skin, the steam fogging everything up. He finally dressed himself once he was out. The closer he got to Noah coming home, the more he felt like he was going to panic. He wanted this so badly He wanted this to go well. He needed Noah to be okay with this. He toyed with his burgundy sweater, watching tv and trying to distract himself. “Hey, don’t tell me you’re stressing about Noah. Rafa, come on,” she said, sitting down next to him. 

“Liv, I can’t help it,” he whispered. 

“Here, just come here, and let’s watch something,” Liv whispered, laying back and pulling him into her arms. He rested his head against her chest, sighing as she stroked her fingers through his hair. “Shh, breathe, in and out. Don’t be scared of my five year old.” He laughed softly, her joke making him feel better. “I promise you he’s gonna be very happy.” They laid there watching tv until there was a knock on the door, and Rafael stood up, excited but terrified. He let Liv answer, and she took Noah’s bag. He could hear them talking as they came inside. 

“And Uncle Sonny bought me ice cream, and we watched movies--” Noah trailed off, seeing Rafael standing in the middle of the living room. His eyes went wide, a smile breaking across his face, 

“Uncle Rafa!” he exclaimed loudly. He ran over giving Rafael a big hug. When they called him the night before, they hadn’t told him Rafael was coming back. They wanted to proceed cautiously. Rafael wasn't actually entirely sure when he was moving back in full time. He didn’t want to get Noah’s hopes up too high. 

“Hey hombrecito, how are you? I’ve missed you lots,” he said, shutting his eyes. He missed this. Noah’s hugs were almost second to none. 

“I missed you too Uncle Rafa. So has Eddie,” Noah said, refusing to let go of Rafael. 

“You wanna go get him? Maybe he wants a hug too. I’m not going anywhere,” he said softly, kissing the top of Noah’s head. 

“Okay,” Noah said, pulling away and heading to his bedroom. When he came back, he handed the elephant to Rafael who made a big show of giving Eddie a hug which made Noah giggle. 

“What do you say you and me go for a walk in the park?” Rafael asked. Noah beamed, nodded, and Rafael looked up to Liv who winked at him. 

“I’ll see you boys later then. You be careful out there,” she said, kissing Noah’s forehead. He had to restrain himself from planting a kiss on her lips. He tousled Noah’s hair as they made their way out the door. He zipped Noah’s coat before they went outside. It was hopefully going to start warming up soon, the later they got into March. Rafael held Noah’s hand as they walked towards the park, and Noah talked his ear off the whole way. When they made it to a bench, Rafael sat down and Noah frowned. 

“Come here little man,” he said, “We are going to have a little talk,” Noah sat next to him, looking worried which just increased Rafael’s nerves. “Um, I have a question for you, and I just want you to be honest with me. It’s okay if the answer is no.” 

“Okay,” Noah said softly. 

“Noah, you know I love you and your Mom very much, right?” he asked. Noah nodded. Rafael knew he was just buying time, but now he had to bite the bullet. “Would it be alright with you if I dated your Mom?” Noah frowned for a second. 

“Like me and Jenny?” Noah asked. Rafael smiled. 

“Yeah, sort of,” Rafael replied. 

“Are you and Mommy going to get married?” Noah asked. Rafael sighed. He wished he could say yes to that with absolute certainty, but he and Liv hadn’t even spoken about the possibility. 

“Maybe,” he said, “Eventually.” 

“Are you going to kiss?” Noah made a little bit of a face, and Rafael couldn’t help but chuckle. 

“Yeah, we’re going to kiss,” he said. Noah paused for another minute, looking up to Rafael, 

“Are you gonna come home and live with us again?” he asked. Rafael was pretty confident it would happen. Despite his previous hesitation, seeing the hope in Noah’s eyes, he couldn’t help himself. He nodded. 

“Yeah,” he said softly. “But it might be a week or two.” Noah was too busy throwing his arms around Rafael to really pay attention to the last part. 

“Okay,” Noah said. Rafael couldn’t help but grin. 

“I really love you,” he whispered. 

“Me too Uncle Rafa,” Noah said. Rafael stood up, swinging Noah around and setting him on his feet, 

“Alright slugger, let’s go get some ice cream,” Rafael said, taking Noah’s hand. 

“Can I have sprinkles too?” The puppy dog eyes made Rafael groan, 

“Your mother is going to kill me,” he said, but he couldn’t say no. As they started walking again, Rafael couldn’t help but grin. He finally had a family. 


End file.
